Smile, no one cares about how you feel
by TheBordelineNonAlcoholicWriter
Summary: Summary on the first page at the top. I don't want to rewrite it to fit XD Trigger warnings are there as well. So proceed at your own risk
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I don't really like a lot of things about this story but I've worked on it for so long so I'll just upload everything as soon as possible. I also think it's fair to warn that I'll mix both American and British English. Not by design, I just haven't been very good at differentiate between the two over the years. You'll probably be able to guess what I wrote two years ago and what I added recently.

**SUMMARY: **

Fred couldn't really recall when he started to feel so… _empty, _but at the same time _lost_. He didn't just wake up one day starting to feel like this. No, the demons´ dirty hands sneaked up on him little by little everyday. First it was just a few simple insecurities that he didn't think much about, like that he maybe should lose some weight. But when did the cold feelings grow to this level? The feeling feels slightly familiar though… have he felt like this a long time ago? Why? And you doesn't anyone notice anything? Do they even care about him? Not even George? At least HE should notice that something is different about the other half of the great pranksters? Or is it like they say, that no one really cares about you unless you're happy?

**TW (written in 2016):**

Contains triggers for self harm, suicide, eating disorders, mentions of sexual assault, (unrelated) sexual content etc. A Fred centric fanfic (cuz I love him, but I also love to hurt him). Sorry for the grammar, NOT a native english speaker. But luckily, I don't have to have more than understandable grammar to be allowed post on fanfiction sites. Actually, I'm probably allowed to have worse grammar here now when I think about it.

* * *

The twins groaned at the same time when they heard furious knocking on their bedroom door.

"Wake up!" They heard their little brother Ron shout from the other side. "Mum told me to fetch you, it's time for breakfast. You better come down before she comes up here herself".

None of them moved before at least ten minutes after Ron had left. George opened his eyes and sat up in bed. He rubbed his eyes before stretching his back until he heard a satisfying pop.  
"What time is it?", asked he with a raspy morning voice.

"How am I supposed to know?" Fred asked, irritated, before sitting up.

"No need to be rude".

"No need to be stupid".

"Touché", answered George and both chuckled before getting out of bed.

"Can you cover up for me?" asked George when the twins returned to their room after breakfast. Fred scrunched up his face in disgust but nodded anyway.

"You know, they´ll find out some day about your new habit".  
George poked his tongue out at him while getting a package of cigarettes from their wardrobe.  
"This is not the most troublesome thing I have ever done", answered he and closed the wardrobe door.

"And people say that I'm the impulsive one", muttered Fred and George laughed.

"You still are, this is just an exception", said George before leaving their room to have a smoke or two somewhere on their yard.

Fred sighed before leaving for the bathroom. He disliked that George was smoking but it's not like it was any of his business, at least not in George´s opinion.  
Fred locked the bathroom door, stepped out of his clothes and took a quick shower. When he was finished he was just about to get dressed again but stopped moving when he caught the sight of his reflection in the full body mirror. Something was… different. Frowning, he reached out with his hand to touch the cold glass. But as soon as his fingers made contact with the surface there was like a quick lightning in his head. It could only have lasted for less than a second but it felt longer. Lightning, darkness, a child screaming and then he found himself on the bathroom floor.  
"What the bloody hell was that?" he asked himself confused while standing up. "I must be more tired than I thought", Fred thought.

Fred returned to his room and sat down on his bed, George returned shortly after. Surprisingly, Fred couldn't smell any cigarette smoke. Instead, another strong smell filled his nosel.

"Did you drink a bottle of soap to mask the smell, or what?" asked he teasingly and George glared at him.

"I had no other choice! I didn't have time to brush my teeth before mum arrived!"

"I wonder what's gonna kill you first; the cigarettes or the soap".

"And I wonder what's gonna kill you first; me with a wand or me with a knife". Both laughed.

"Mum baked cookies, let's eat a few… or many", said George but Fred shook his head.

"You already know that I´m trying to be more careful with what I eat", answered he and started to play with the hem of his shirt.

"Healthy Fred is boring", groaned George and Fred laughed.

"We´ll see who´s boring in 20 years when I´m admired by hundreds of girls while you accidentally roll over them like the blob you´ll be".

"You'll be the first one I'll roll over", threatened George and poked his tongue out at Fred before leaving the room.

Fred sighed and laid down. He had started eating less last month when he noticed that he couldn't fit in one of his shirts. His mum claimed that she accidentally shrunk it while washing it but still, it made him think. It's not like it's the first time someone or something pointed out his weight… at least his weight compared to his brothers´. He knew that he was by no means fat but his siblings were either slimmer than him or more muscular… which made him the lazy and fat one of the weasley siblings… he couldn't deny that he was lazy though. It would be a little harder to follow his new diet tomorrow because today was the last day of the summer holiday. He would probably gain more pounds thanks to all the delicious food at Hogwarts which bummed him out a lot but hopefully he would be able to have at least a little control over himself.

* * *

Fred woke up in the middle of the night with a scream. Thankfully, he was lying on the ground with his face buried in the tangle of sheets around him so nobody heard… not like it was anybody there to hear his scream to begin with. His gaze landed on George´s empty bed and then to their window. It was still dark outside, which meant that George probably was in the bathroom or something.

It took Fred at least 15 minutes to untangle himself from the red bed sheets (and not without almost choking to death at least six times). He sat down on the bed with his feet placed on the ground and buried his head in his hands. This was the third time this week; the third time he had this weird dream. A dream about trying to reach a door but the closer he got the heavier his body felt and it became more and more difficult to see. Why did the dream scare him so much? Normally it would just be bloody annoying but he always woke up with his heart up in his throat.

Fred looked at the watch and saw that he didn't have to get up for another four hours. He was exhausted but didn't want to go back to sleep just yet. Maybe it would help if he talked to George about it? He would probably make fun of him at first but would still help him. That's just how a macho relationship between brothers were.

He decided to wait but when George didn't show up for another hour he got a little worried and went to see what was going on. With a ear pressed against the bathroom door, he could clearly hear that someone was in there. The strong soap smell was a dead give away too.

"Hey soap breath, what's taking you so long? I need to talk to you". asked Fred while knocking on the door. The movements behind the door stopped. "Georgie?" said Fred hesitantly when he didn't get an answer. Mentioning his name seemed to snap him out of it and the movements was heard again but in a much quicker pace. "I hope you´re not jerking off in there while I'm talking to you because that's gross", joked Fred and chuckled.

"Oh you wish", was the answer he got but George´s voice sounded a little more off than usual. So an incestrual joke had to slide this time.

"Are you alright in there?" asked Fred, just a little more seriously and got a snort in reply. Fred was just about to ask again when the door flew open, hitting Fred hard in his head so he stumbled backwards a few steps. "Ow", said he and covered the place on his forehead that surely would bruise. He looked up and was just about to complain to George but stopped himself when he saw his twin brother's eyes. There were something distant about them and they looked... different.

"Did I hit you with the door?" asked George when he saw what state Fred was in.

"No, I banged my head against the wall", answered Fred sarcastically.

"I take your remark as a sign that I didn't hurt you too bad", answered George and Fred glared at him.

"I'm fine enough to give you a similar bruise!" threatened he.

"A similar one? Aren't we identical enough?" asked George before returning to their room.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" asked Fred but got no response.

He sighed before entering the bathroom, might as well check the damage. He stood in front of the mirror and brushed some hair from his forehead. He could already see a bump forming.

"I´ll get him for this", murmured Fred angrily.

_**"Get him for what?"**_

"For ramming the door in my head of course!"

_**"You shouldn't have stood there saying mean things to him without thinking about the possibility of him reacting in a negative way".**_

"I didn't say mean things to him, only harmless nagging… ".

_**"Didn't seem like it. That you got the door in your head was only karma´s way of punishing you for it".**_

"Karma?"

_**"Yeah you know, do something bad and karma will make something bad happen to you".**_

"Sounds stupid".

_**"You know I'm right".**_

Fred snorted and shock his head. "Sure thing lad", said he before turning off the light and leaving the bathroom.

George was fast asleep when he returned to their room. He was laying on his back with his hands folded over his stomach and had a peaceful expression on his face._ "There goes my plan about talking about my bad dream",_ thought Fred before crawling underneath his covers and laid down so his back was facing George. _"Could the thing about karma be true? No way!"._ Fred might've been someone who practised magic in a world with gnomes, vampires and other similar things but karma sounded like some stupid superstition. _"But I guess I can let this one go, I did annoy George after all"._ Fred rolled over on his back so he was staring at the ceiling. For being one of the most irresponsible weasleys in the family, he sure thought things over a lot. It's not like this was such a big deal.

He looked over at George and couldn't help but stare at his rising and sinking stomach. He looked back at his own and thought that his stomach was higher up than George´s. Hopefully his new diet would pay off.

* * *

It was already the twins' third year at Hogwarts. It was kind of hard to believe. The Weasleys stood on the platform and the train had just arrived. Fred and George bid their family farwell but it took several minutes before Molly actually let them leave. It took a lot of struggle and a stick but they managed to get on the train at last.

"She knows that she have to let us go one day, right?" asked Fred and George shook his head.

"Mother? Never".

They found their friends Lee, Katie Bell and Angelina argumenting and decided to join despite not having a clue about the subject of the conversation. It didn't take long for Fred to zoom out though. The events from the night before was still fresh in his head. The dream, George´s behavior and… and that voice. It sounded familiar but he didn't know anyone with that kind of voice. Why didn't he freak out even though it caused his insides to get cold? Maybe it was just that inner voice that everyone have that's supposed to make you do what's right. Ugh… he was a prankster! He was not supposed to have one of those!

"Fred? Are you alright?" asked Angelina and Fred looked up from the floor to look at her.

"Yeah I'm fine, just not enough sleep". That was actually not a lie.

"What happened to your forehead?" asked Lee and leaned in closer. "Did Percy finally try to kill you?"

"What? No! George accidentally rammed the bathroom door in my head. No one have tried to kill me yet", answered Fred and thought that he caught a guilty look in George´s eyes.

"Yeah… sorry about that", said George and scratched his neck. Fred smirked at him and laughed evilly.

"You should watch your back from now on", warned he and George gulped. The threat was of course empty but they would all think something was off if he told them that he didn't care about it.

"Just don't drag us into it", said Lee and the twins looked at each other before saying: "We'll see about that", at the same time.

* * *

Next time Fred zoomed out was during the sorting ceremony and he didn't come back to earth until it was time to eat. The food looked delicious as usual. It took all his willpower to not overload his plate.

"What´s wrong Freddie? No appetite?" asked Lee from behind the mountain of food on his own plate.

"It's a new diet he's on, he´ll get over it in time", answered George and stuffed his mouth full with mashed potatoes.

"You want to bet on it?" asked Fred before taking a bite from his meat pie. George shook his head.

"Nah it would be too easy".

"Don't discourage him! He could really lose some weight", joked Lee and everyone laughed.

"Love you too", answered Fred with a huff and looked away.

"There is some truth to it though".

"Shut up, I know".


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I'm sorry if you were one of the people who read this story when I first uploaded. I was a stupid person

* * *

"Did you guys hear that Fathi Loré quit being the school´s counselor?" whispered Lee in the middle of transfiguration.

Loré had only worked there for four years and were "sick" most of the time.

"I'm not surprised, considering the students", said Angelina and stared at the twins who smiled back innocently.

"Our pranks have never... ".

"... ever made anyone insane", finished George and The girls rolled their eyes.

"The teachers´ nervous breakdowns tells otherwise".

"Oh You cannot prove that we´re responsible for that!" complained Fred.

"I doubt the weasleyphobia came from your older brothers", said Katie and the twins plus Lee started to laugh.

"Weasleyphobia? That´s a new one", said George when he had calmed down.

"It's probably gonna be a real thing in the future", said Lee and the others agreed. "Just wait".

It had only been a couple of months but Fred could already see some changes in his body, but not only about his body weight. Though he was happy with the result of his new diet, he hated the dark bags underneath his eyes and his skin looked more dead than usual. He used to look like the stereotypical ginger who looked like the soul had left his body (Lee´s words, not his) but now he resembled more like a ghost. Fred knew that this was because of the lack of sleep. The same nightmare haunted him every time he closed his eyes for more than fifteen seconds, which meant that it could come to him even when he was wide awake. He never told anyone about it and no one noticed anything. He tried to mention it to George once but George teased him about it. Nothing serious, but that made Fred discover how lonely he actually was. I mean, who could he turn to about this kind of things? Lee would react like George, Percy would think it was part of a prank, his parents wouldn't understand, his older brothers were too far away and the girls would probably think less of him. Crying from a bad dream doesn't really sound that manly in Fred´s ears. He feel a little let down though because no one gave him a sign that they knew he was in pain.

Fred sighed and looked up from his pumpkin juice to look at his brother and friends who were eating happily while making fun of each other. He was tired as hell and confused because he swore that he had a plate with food in front of him just seconds ago.

"Where did my food go? Or did I eat it without noticing?... Did I eat the plate too?" asked he and the others laughed at his confusion.

"Accidently eating plates sounds more like something little Ronny would do, consider how much he eats", replied George and Fred couldn't help but agree with that statement.

"It´s over here", said Angelina and picked up the plate before placing it in front of Fred. "We decided to remove so you wouldn't fall asleep on it and go to class again with food in your hair... okey, me and Katie decided that, Lee and George thought it would be funny".

"Yeah, it would be funny if it was someone else than me", answered Fred grumpily and put some bacon stripes in his mouth. He awarded himself with fatty food once a week to not give up on the diet. "And what do you mean with again? When did I fall asleep on my plate and went to class with food in my fair?"

"What do you mean with when? The real question is for how long", answered George with a smirk and Fred Groaned in response.

"Do I dare to ask for how long you let me do that?"

"Almost two weeks, 12 days to be more exact", answered George and laughed when Fred groaned in annoyance and banged his head on the table... right on his plate. The other three started to laugh too and Fred tried to look angry but couldn't prevent his smile from showing for long.

They all laughed until Katie announced that class was about to start. Fred became a little pissed off because he didn't have time to wash himself. He turned to the others and said bitterly: "Make that 13 days of food hair to class".

* * *

Fred became more restless and paranoid when he started to notice how every teacher looked at him oddly like it was something they couldn't understand or something they knew but couldn't accept. His brain was always working hard in their presence, working hard to remember if he had pulled a certain prank by himself that really got him into deep shit. If it is a prank then he must've done it himself because the teachers didn´t send George or Lee any of those looks. Fred really tried to remember if it was something he had done but nothing came up. It stressed him out and annoyed him to no end that an important part of his memory was beyond his reach.

_**"Maybe it's nothing you did but rather about what you´re capable of doing. You´re the 'genius' behind the scams after all and maybe they finally figured it out. Karma will come for you!".**_

AND the supposedly "right and wrong" voice in his head didn't help at all. Luckily he could somewhat relax in the common room because teachers didn't go there unless it was an emergency. He and George were laying on the floor in front of the fire place while reading from a comic that they found among their dad´s things (he loved muggle things after all). Lee, Angelina and Oliver Wood were occupying the couch. Angelina and Oliver were talking about quidditch while Lee was bored out of his mind.

"Freddie?" said George and snapped his fingers in front of Fred's face to snap him out of his thoughts. "You're doing it again".

"Doing what?" asked Fred with a yawn and George rolled his eyes.

"Zooming out of course, you're like a bloody sloth!"

Fred raised an eyebrow at him and was about to answer with a smart ass comment when Angelina joined the conversation.

"Now when I think about it, you have been quite drained lately. Have you been sleeping properly?" asked she and Fred gave her a fake smile.

"I'm alright, don't worry about it", assured he but neither Angelina or Oliver brought it. "Damn those non-oblivious people!"

_**"I thought that you wanted someone to hear you cry for help like a little baby".**_

"You're obviously not fine if you fall asleep in the middle of quidditch training", said Oliver angrily. "At least 20 meters above the ground on your broomstick".

"With ME on my broomstick right under YOU!" complained Angelina.

Fred rubbed his eyes and let out another yawn. "You two make a big deal out of this", answered he tiredly and George laughed.

"The exact same thing happened at least eight times", answered he and Angelina crossed her arms over her chest.

"Is it really a coincidence that you fall asleep EVERY time I´m the under you!?" exclaimed Angelina and Fred shrugged.

"I guess my body waits to shut down until it knows that there's something underneath it to make the fall less painful".

"ARE YOU CALLING ME A SAFETY MATTRESS!?" Fred lifted his hands in surrender.

"No I didn't say anything... my body did".

"First of all", said Oliver. "That sounded perverted and second of all: you're clearly not sleeping enough. You should go to madam Pomfrey about it, maybe even the school counselor... if he was still here".

Fred felt something sting inside of him by the mention of mr Loré but he didn't know why. It disappeared as quickly as it came though. George snorted at Oliver and put an arm around Fred's shoulders.

"Nonsense captain, Fred's fine. He's just probably not used to all the new homework".

"Have you ever even done your homework?" asked Percy from out of nowhere with narrow eyes.

George grinned at him. "No, that's why everything´is overwhelming this year".

"You´re so irresponsible!" scowled Percy and the twins faked a hurt look.

"Ouch Perce", said Fred and covered his heart with his hand.

George said with an equally broken voice, "Yeah! We ARE responsible! We have actually read four books... ".

"Muggle comics doesn't count! It's just non-moving pictures with a few words on everyn page".

"It's still reading... ".

"I give up!" claimed Percy and left the common room.

Everyone seemed to have forgotten about what they were talking about (everyone except for Fred). Because everyone went back to what they were doing before the talk about Fred´s sleeping habits. Fred didn´t know if he was happy about it or not.

* * *

However, the subject didn´t remain ignored for long. Four more incidents with falling asleep on his broomstick during quidditch practise led to an angry team captain who literally dragged Fred halfway to the hospital wing. The other half of the way; he just picked Fred up and threw him over his shoulder, but not without a lot of struggle, protests, threats, curses and death glares of course. Many people, especially George, thought it was hilarious.

"Stop fighting back, Weasley!" yelled Oliver.

"I stop fighting back when you put me down!" Fred snapped back. "I don't like being carried!"

_**"Because you´re fat?"**_

_"N-no! because... "._

"I´ll put you down when you promise me that you´ll follow me without any fuss!" shouted Oliver back.

"And what if I escape?"

"Then you´ll be suspended from quidditch training until you visit Pomfrey!" Fred stopped struggling and stared at the back of Oliver´s neck (which was all he could see from his position) with widened eyes.

"You can't do that!" exclaimed he but Oliver shook his head.

"Yes I can and yes I will! Your stubbornness affects the whole team".

_**"You're ruining it for everybody! You selfish brat!"** _Fred sighed in defeat and promised Oliver that he wouldn't run away. Hesitantly, Oliver put Fred down on the ground and the two boys entered the hospital wing.

The visit didn't take that long. Fred answered some questions, but didn't mention his dream. Then madam Pomfrey checked his reflexes, blood pressure, weight and height. Just for good measure. Fred was happy to hear that he managed to lose four pounds since last time he checked.  
Because of the fact that Fred didn't mention anything about his nightmares; madam Pomfrey thought it was an case of insomnia so she gave him a potion. She told him to take a sip before going to bed but could take higher doses up to a quarter of a bottle if it didn't work. She also told him sternly to immediately go to her if the potion turned out to be bad for him. He was also supposed to come back to her after one month so she could get an update on his sleeping and also decide if he should continue with the potion, change to something else or not take anything at all. But if he would run out of potion then he should either talk to Pomfrey or Snape for more. Fearing that he might get poisoned if he went to Snape, he decided to only go to madam Pomfrey. When Pomfrey said that she would contact his parents Fred assured her that he would tell them himself (even if it was a lie).

After Pomfrey chased them out of the hospital wing; Oliver sent Fred to go back to his room and rest while the others continued with the quidditch practise. Fred really wanted to argue but he felt far too exhausted.

"Okey captain but you won't get rid of me that easily", said Fred with a smirk and Oliver squeezed his shoulder before returning to the rest of the team. Fred yawned before walking towards Gryffindor's common room.

Not even bothering to change out of his quidditch uniform nor taking the poison, he fell down on someone's bed (hopefully his or George´s) and fell asleep.

_**"Karma's gonna get ya Freddie!".**_

_Fred turned around but couldn't see anything. Everything was dark except for a single light that was shining its light on him, the floor around him and a door a little further away._

_"What do you mean!?" he yelled. His voice echoed in the giant room but he only got laughter as an answer. "Hallo!?" cried he desperately._

**_"Justice will be served upon the sinner!"_**

_"I don't even believe in any God!"_

_"**That's too bad because having someone watching over you would've maybe helped!"**_

_Fred felt the fear freeze every drop of blood in his body, like his veins were filled with liquid ice. "What have I done? Why does bad things happen to me!?"_

**_"Because you're a bad person Fred"._**

_Suddenly Fred felt how his body became heavier and heavier. Which meant that it was going to get him. He had to get away!_

_**"Here it comes!"** He ran towards the door but his body was slowly shutting down._

_"No! No! No! NO! No please!" begged Fred with tears running down his face as he fell down to his knees._

**_"Take your punishment!"_**

"FRED! Wake up!" begged George while shaking Fred´s shoulders violently. Fred opened his eyes and looked around to make sure that he wasn't in that horrible room anymore. "Fred? Are you alright?" asked George and wiped away tears from Fred's face with his thumbs while holding Fred's head between his hands.

"Am I crying?" asked Fred confused and George let go of his head and sat down in front of him on the bed.

"Yeah... ", answered George softly and Fred sniffed a little and felt a little embarrassed about the situation.

"Don't take this the wrong way, George. But why are you here? Aren't you supposed to be at the training?" asked Fred and George looked at him weirdly.

"You have obviously slept for much longer than you´re aware of, dear Freddie. I decided to come here and check up on you but noticed that you were laying in my bed, probably not on purpose but I was just about to tell you to get the hell out of my bed when you started to trash around and whimper like Ron did after you made him afraid of spiders. I started to get really worried when you started to cry and scream though... ".

"Yeah sorry about that", said Fred and stood up from George´s bed. "Just a nasty dream, I shouldn't have eaten so much".

"More like so little", murmured George but Fred ignored him and walked towards the door. "Where are you going?"

"I have to return the quidditch uniform, see you in a bit", answered Fred before leaving the room.

Fred stared at the bottle with the sleeping potion he have received from madam Pomfrey, skeptically. Would it even work at all? The problem wasn't that he couldn't fall asleep, the problem was that he couldn't stay asleep, at least not in a soothing one. But maybe the potion could keep him from waking up for the whole night? Sure, the dreams wouldn't disappear...

_**"But you would keep your suffering to yourself and stop letting it affect other people".**_

_"Exactly"._

"What's that?" asked George and pointed at the bottle in Fred´s hand. Fred smirked and answered: "This will make Percy grow a vagina so he at least manage to see one before he dies".

"I thought that he already had one?" answered George and both burst out laughing. "No but really, what is it?"

"It's gonna help me sleep", answered Fred and opened it before smelling it. "It smells kind of what I imagine a goblin's feet fungus smells like", said he disgusted.

"Are you imagining that often?"

"Every time I go to bed, it soothes me", answered Fred just as sarcastically. "How could she possibly know about my secret fetish? She probably knew that I can only fall asleep to the taste of old stinky feet".

"Yeah she's probably more of a creep than Dumbledore about other people's lives". Fred tilted the bottle and let the content in his mouth (not more than what Pomfrey recommended). "What does it taste like?" Asked George curiously.

"Like she filled a bottle with toilet water and mixed it with green paint", answered Fred and scrunched up his face.

"Do I even want to know how you know that taste?" asked George before they laid down on their beds and fell asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

The potion didn´t... exactly turn out to work so good for Fred consider the fact that he fell asleep in his bed but woke up in the hospital wing... two days later. An allergic reaction, who would've thought? Apparently George tried to wake him for an hour and panicked (he almost got away with firing a firework under Fred's covers).

The moment Fred opened his eyes; his head hurt. He felt like throwing up and was extremely tired. George was there and considering how horrible his breath smelt, he had smoked a lot of cigarettes to calm down. Madam Pomfrey explained to him that the potion not only put him in a coma like sleep but made it harder for him to breathe and messed up his blood pressure. She said many other things too but he zoomed out pretty quickly. Luckily for him, Madam Pomfrey didn't owl his parents (it wasn't severe enough and once again he claimed that he would do it). She asked him about it but Fred almost begged her to not tell them. They also talked about next the medication, which George of course was sceptical about.

"I don't think it's such a good idea", said he and dragged his fingers through his hair. Pomfrey had left the room so they could speak without being interrupted.

Fred rolled his eyes and massaged his throbbing head. "I have to sleep George", he said and George scowled at him.

"Yeah, you have to sleep for the night, not forever. I thought you were going to die, I can't stand feeling like that every time you try some weird... ".

"THEN I GUESS WE'RE EVEN THEN!" snapped Fred (to his own surprise) and George glared at him.

"What are you talking about?"

"For once YOU will know how it feels to see someone you care about slowly dying".

Fred was happy that Pomfrey wasn't there but he immediately regretted mentioning George´s smoking when he saw the hurt look on his face. His younger twin brother was just worrying about him and he threw that in his face.

"Look George... ", Fred began. "I didn't me... ". But George was out the door before he could finish his sentence.

_**"So Completely selfish and stupid. Nagging on the thing that gives him comfort. You know why he's smoking, right?"**_ Fred looked down sadly on his lap and sighed. _"Yeah I know"._

Fred left the hospital wing later that day, feeling worse than he did when he woke up from the two days of sleeping. He got a few sleeping pills from madam Pomfrey that he was supposed to try but he felt kind of guilty about what he had done. He had to try find George or the sickness in his stomach would not disappear.

_**"Selfish, worthless piece of... ".**_

"Fred!"

Fred stopped and looked around until his eyes landed on Angelina who stalked towards him. He faked a smile at her but quickly stopped when he saw her angry expression.

"Hi Angie... what's up?" asked he nonchalantly but her glare only deepened.

"What's up!? You have been asleep for two days and almost stopped breathing and the only thing you have to say is `What´s up'!?"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" said Fred and raised his hands in surrender. "Don't get your knickers in a twist. I didn't mean to scare you like that and all that but right now I'm trying to find... ".

"George?" interrupted Angelina.

"Yeah, how did you know?... never mind, bad question".

"Yeah mostly when you're apart it's because you can´t find each other", said Angelina.

"I reckon you don't know where I can find him?" asked Fred hopefully and Angelina crossed her arms over her chest.

"In fact I just left him and he seemed pretty upset... ".

_**"All because of you".**_

"... He refuse to tell me what's wrong though, but maybe you can cheer him up?" said she before she walked away in the opposite direction of where she came from. "He's outside!" called she before disappearing around the corner.

Fred sighed before walking to where he thought he would find his brother.

George sat on the grass underneath a tree, a pretty cliché scenario if you asked Fred. He walked up slowly to George but it seemed like George didn't notice him... or that he was just ignoring him.  
He didn't look up until Fred was right in front of him. His eyes wasn´t bloodshot or anything but he still looked quite sad.

"Can I sit down?" Fred asked, hesitantly, and George (to his surprise) smirked at him.

"Why are you being so polite with me? It's not like I own this grass or something... ".

"Well one wrong move and you´ll run away again", said Fred and sat down next to him.

"Yeah sorry about that", said George and Fred frowned.

"Why are you saying sorry? I shouldn't have said that to you. It's none of my business if you want to smoke or not. I'm supposed to be your brother, not your second mom".

"Let's be honest here, Freddie", said George and nudged him with his elbow. "It takes a lot more than that to be as scary as mom and... you are right". George took out two packages of cigarettes from his pocket and put them on Fred´s lap. "I knew how dangerous this were for me at the beginning, but knowing how much it bothers you... I want to try to stop".

Fred rubbed his eyes; he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You serious?" asked he and grinned.

"Yeah but I´ll need your help. I tried to quit once before but it didn't work out so good... ".

"Wait, you have tried to quit smoking before?"

"Yep", answered George. "But I did it the wrong way".

Fred raised and eyebrow. "The wrong way?"

"Yeah, just quitting makes you into a PMS monster... ".

"That explains how you could lift Percy over your head and throw him out of the window...".

"That never happened! Anyway, I have to lower the dose little by little every day. I´ll let you have the cigarettes and you´ll begin with only giving out to me five times a day and... ".

"Five times!? How many times a day do you smoke usually!?" exclaimed Fred, horrified, and George chuckled nervously.

"Believe me, you don't want to know".

Fred took the cigarette packages from his lap and put them in his pockets.

"So you'll help me?" asked George even though he pretty much already knew the answer.

"Yeah of course... but you know, this will only work if you give me ALL of your cigarettes", said Fred and looked at him suspiciously.

"What do you mean?"

"Give me the rest George".

George´s smile dropped and he sighed in defeat before handing over four more packages that Fred also put in his pockets.

"That's all you have, right?" asked Fred as the two brothers stood up. George nodded and Fred smirked. "Good... then let's go back to our room so you can get the rest of them".

"Aw come on, Freddie!"

"You asked me to help you and I'm not going soft on you! Only hard"

"You just had to make it weird, didn't you?"

* * *

"Fred?... Fred?... Fred?... Fred, your pants are on fire".

Fred´s eyes shoot open and he sat up so quickly that he almost fell out of his chair.

"Don´t worry, Fred", said George and chuckled. "I just wanted to wake you up. But seriously, how did you fall for that?"

"Because it have happened multiple times before", scowled Fred angrily and yawned.

This wasn't the first time he had fallen asleep in class... but this was the first time the rest of his classmates, including the teacher, had left before he woke up.

"Yeah but how can you set something on fire that isn't there?" asked George and Fred rolled his eyes.

"That one was even worse than the first one", said he and Lee walked up to them.

"Yeah", he agreed. "It's also worse when it's also true". Lee waved Fred´s pants in front of his eyes.

Fred looked down and saw that his pants were in fact gone. His eyes widened and he tore the pants away from Lee and started to put them on.

"Why the bloody hell did you strip me for!?" exclaimed he and George and Lee laughed.

"First of all, it wasn't me, it was another student who I made a bet with".

"What kind of bet!?"

"He said that he could pull off your pants without you waking up... I´m not even mad that I lost to him, that was impressive!"

"He? Wasn't it a she?" asked George confused.

"No it was... I don't know", said Lee confused. "If it was a girl then that would explain how they could pull off Fred´s jeans, if you know what I mean".

"She/He/They/It are probably thirteen, Lee", said George but chuckled at the thought. "And don't people usually joke that guys are quicker at taking off clothes?"

"Well maybe it's a really flaming homosexual", said Lee and shrugged.

"I don't care if it was a girl or a boy!" exclaimed Fred and zipped his pants. "It still counts as sexual harassment you twat! I should be the one getting paid for this... ".

"That reminds me", said Lee, obviously cutting Fred off on purpose. "Professor told us to send you to Dumbledore's office as soon as you woke up".

Fred frowned, clearly confused. "Really?"

"Yeah", assured George and looked at him suspiciously. "What have you done now, Fred? And why wasn't I in on it? I thought we were partners in crime!" exclaimed he and faked tears.

Fred rolled his eyes and chuckled. "I have no clue mate. It's probably because of the potion I took or something", assured Fred even though he didn't believe that himself because that felt like a finished chapter.

George and Lee seemed to buy it though. "Yeah that makes sense", said Lee.

"Then I better get it over with", said Fred and stood up. "I'll meet you in the common room afterwards... ".

"Don't we have potions then?" asked Lee and Fred groaned.

"Then I´ll see you when I come back I guess", said he before leaving the room.

When Fred at the office arrived; he noticed that Dumbledore wasn't alone. Mcgonagall was also there together with Pomfrey, which made him consider that it might actually be about the potion after all... but why was it so important for the meeting to be at the professor's office? What the bloody hell was in that potion!?

"Greetings, mister Weasley", said Dumbledore with a friendly smile. "Take a seat".

Fred felt their eyes follow him as he walked towards the desk and sat down on a wooden chair.

"Am I in trouble?" he asked, hesitantly, but Dumbledore just shook his head.

"No Fredrick. I just want to ask you a few things".

Fred became more and more confused. "What the fuck was going on?"

"What kind of questions, professor?" asked Fred curiously. Dumbledore sighed and had eye contact with Mcgonagall for a few seconds before answering.

"Do you remember anything... curious that happened in your first year?"

"Well I did pull a few pranks that lead to a few curious things", answered Fred and scratched his neck nervously.

"No I mean... something out of the ordinary, something very worrying?" "What is he referring to?"

"I´m sorry professor, but I don´t know what you want to know", answered he and Dumbledore shared another look with Mcgonagall. Fred´s heart started to beat faster, something was definitely odd.

"Are you familiar with Fathi Loré?"

"Yeah, he worked as a school counselor, didn´t he?" asked Fred. Why did he ask about a man Fred never had talked to?

"Exactly, How much do you remember from your conversations?"

Fred looked up at him confused. "Pardon me sir but I don´t believe that I have ever spoken to the man".

This time it was Dumbledore who looked confused. "That's strange", he said quietly. "That you don't remember any conversations that is".

"And why is that strange, sir?"

"Because you have been going to him at least seven times during your first year here".

Fred froze in shock. What was Dumbledore talking about? He had never gone to talk to the man, he barely knew what he looks like!... actually, he didn't´t know how the man looks like at all! Fred laughed.

"It must've been a mistake, professor", said he. "I have never gone to the school counselor, I have never felt the need to".

"So I guess that the memories of the bathroom are also gone then?" commented Pomfrey and Dumbledore sent her a look that said: 'Don't mention that!' but the damage was already done.  
"The bathroom memories?" repeated Fred. "What does that mean?"

"Nothing at all, my boy", answered Dumbledore and Fred knew better than to ask again. Fred's head was filled with questions. Did he really go to this Loré guy? Why did he even go to that him? Why couldn't he remember anything of that? And what else did he do in the bathroom besides number one and two that Pomfrey mentioned? Because Fred doubted that he had to go to the school counselor because he took a very big sh...

"Mister Weasley", said Dumbledore and pushed back his half moon glasses. "Next week a few men from the ministry of magic are going to come to ask you and a few others that went to Loré a few questions".

"Why? Why is it that big of a deal!?" Fred couldn't help but shout. The others didn't seem to mind it though, in fact it looked like they expected it to happen eventually.

"You have all right ot be upset, mister Weasley", said Mcgonagall. "And you probably have a lot of questions but please let Dumbledore finish". Fred sighed and dug his fingers in the armrests. This was so frustrating. "It's important that you cooperate, mister Weasley. This is part of an important investigation after all".

"Important investigation?"

"Yes, it is believed that former counselor Loré was committing a crime and the ministry strongly believe that you, and a few other students that will remain anonymous, have proof against him in your lost memories".

It became quiet while Fred tried to take in everything. What the bloody hell was he talking about? What have the man done that was so horrible that he... that he erased Fred´s memories? That thought made him beyond furious. Who does he think he is? How dare he steal his memories like that!?

"Mister Weasley, are you feeling well?" asked Dumbledore, concerned, but Fred ignored the question.

"Loré didn't quit his job", he said. It wasn't a question.

"No, he's at the ministry while waiting for his trial. I'll send for you when the men from the ministry arrives. But in the meantime, I would appreciate if you didn't tell anyone about this".

"Not even George?" asked Fred sadly and Dumbledore shook his head.

"Not even your brother. I know that you two are really close and tell each other everything... ". "Well mostly everything". "But this is classified information and both of you can get in real trouble if this goes out. And besides... you don't want to worry him, do you?"

Fred felt like a puppet when he walked back to the common room. It was like someone else was in charge of his movements and he felt quite numb. He didn't know how to feel or think about this news. It felt like he really needed answers but there was no way he could get them before next week and that fact made him want to pull out his hair. Thankfully, Dumbledore had seen his distress and dismissed him from classes for the day so he could go to bed and rest. There was a lot to process after all.

Fred went to bed but couldn't fall asleep. The tornado of thoughts in his head smashed into the walls of bone underneath the skin, creating a headache. He felt like he needed to talk to someone but he wasn't allowed to and it killed him. How did girls manage to boil it up inside?... oh that's right, they later on yelled at the closest person... poor fellow, that had been Fred himself a couple of times.

The door opened a few hours later and George and Lee entered.

"Ah there you are!" exclaimed George and sat down on Fred´s bed, close to his feet. "We were wondering why you didn't show up in class".

"So what did Dumbledore want?" asked Lee and Fred gulped. Luckily, he had already thought about a lie, but he really did want to tell the truth.

"Apparently I pulled a prank that upset Dumbledore and now I have to be his assistant for a few times", answered he without looking at them.

"Aw mate!" exclaimed George. "You pulled a prank that big!? And you didn't tell me!"

"What prank did you pull, anyway?" asked Lee and crossed his arms.

Fred shrugged. "I can't remember... and it's bugging the hell out of me!" exclaimed he. He thought that he really deserved a prize for his acting.

"You deserve that for not inviting me", murmured George and pouted.

"Maybe you hit your head really hard?" suggested Lee. "That would explain why you don't remember it".

"Yeah maybe", said Fred and faked a smile.


	4. Chapter 4

It didn't take long before a teacher came and got Fred (in the middle of class nevertheless) to be investigated by a couple of investigators from the ministry of magic. Even though Fred still had no clue about what it all was about; it felt kind of exciting and cool. Who didn't think it was exciting to be a part of something of this importance? He still felt a little irritated though at Loré for erasing his memories. There was a nagging feeling at the back of his head that made him unable to focus on anything since Dumbledore told him about all this. If George and the others had noticed, they didn't say anything about it. Fred couldn't tell if he himself was a good actor or if the others didn't care much about him zooming out. The fact that George didn't notice did not surprise Fred, he had his own problems after all.

Ever since Fred became responsible for George´s smoking, the younger twin have been fidgeting, shaking, easy to make angry and couldn't sit still for more than a few minutes at a time. It killed Fred a little but not as much as when he gave George his daily cigarettes. George would always look at them like they would cure a painful illness inside of him or like he had been starving to death without them. The way George would almost violently tear the death-sticks from Fred´s hands and lit them with shaking and needy hands made Fred want to run away and hide. He didn't know why he reacted like that. Tt. Mungus could probably heal his brother's lungs if it went too far, but seeing someone you care about slowly killing themselves kills you too. Especially if you know the reason behind it. Not that Fred would ever tell George all this…

The teacher left him outside of a classroom. Fred opened the door and saw three wizards, two men in their mid-thirties and an older woman. The woman was looking at a few papers that she had taken out from her bag and the men were building something. It looked like one of those camera tripods with some sort of round orb. Like one of those fortune-telling-things professor Trelawney had, but much larger. The color of the orb was hard to explain, it was like a mix of dark purple, pink and blue. Almost like a bruise. Fred didn't know why a bruise was the first comparison he could come up with

The woman looked up at him. "Ah, you're Fredrick Weasley, I assume. Please close the door behind you and come here".

Fred closed the door, as she had told him, and walked towards her. She took a good look at him, which felt disturbing.

"My name is Coliette Malpierre and the men over there are Jack Monet and Abraham Gilbert". The two other men waved at Fred and one of them put a chair in front the bruise colored orb. "So that's how they're going to make me remember… because that's what I assume it's for", Fred thought. "Before we begin with today's session", Coliette began and laid a paper in front of Fred together, with a quill and ink. "I need you to sign this, a contract. You have to agree on that you won´t tell anybody anything of the investigation until court. Not your friends, not your family, not your teachers".

Fred didn't like the sound of that, the fact that he couldn't tell George ANYTHING until God knows when. Of course, Fred wasn't aware back then that parents were supposed to be alerted about these kinds of things. Wait, did she also say teachers?

"So the teacher doesn't know what this investigation is about?" asked Fred and the old witch shook her head.

"The professor knows only a few of the crimes Loré committed. We have to respect the privacy of the witnesses after all".

"He committed multiple crimes!?" exclaimed Fred and Coliette nodded.

"Murder, fraud, burglary, attempted murder and attempted kidnapping and assistance to suicide", answered he woman nonchalantly like it was nothing, but Fred's whole body froze. Every muscle in his body turned to stone and his heart started to beat faster.

"Mister Weasley?" said she and snapped her fingers in front of his eyes to get a reaction. "Mister Weasley!" Fred finally snapped out of his panicked state and felt his body calming down.

"What the bloody hell do you think I have memories of!?" shouted he but it didn't seem to face her. She probably expected that to happen. If the man really was capable of things like that, do Fred even want to remember what he could´ve seen?

"You can't deny us possible evidence", said one of the men, like he had been able to read Fred's thoughts.

"Besides", said the other man. "Just because you spoke to the man a few times, it doesn't mean that you actually saw something that could give us more evidence against him".

That was true, Fred had not thought of that. Maybe Loré acted like a decent human being around him?

_**"But why would he erase your memories then dumbass?"**_

"_Come on! Let me give myself a little false hope at least"._

_**"That´s more than you deserve".**_

Fred picked up the quill, dipped it in the ink and wrote down his full name on the paper before putting it down again. _"There's no turning back now"._

"Good", said Coliette and put the contract in one of the bags that Fred hadn't noticed before. "Sit down on the chair over there and Monet and Gilbert will tell you what's going to happen".

Fred walked over to the orb and sat down on the chair in front of it.

"Don´t look into it quite yet", warned one of the men and Fred looked down at his lap instead, already feeling a little dizzy from looking at it closely for a few seconds.

"Okay, here's the deal kid", said the other man. "That sick bastard used an old and ancient spell that we know little about and... ".

"You don't need to sound so rude Abe", said the other man and "Abe" glared at him for interrupting before continuing. "This is the only way, not only us but you, can get the memories but it's not going to be a calm journey".

"You´ll feel pretty dizzy afterwards and it will make you pretty tired", explained Jack before Abraham continued again.

"You'll stare into the stone which will dig into the gray parts of your brain, like the brain's trash can, and display it in your head and record it so we can watch it at the ministry. You´ll be the first one to see it".

"And because it´ll make you weak, we´ll only use it for one therapy session at a time. In your file... ", said Coliette and showed him a stack of papers. "It says that you have had seven visits, but we´ll probably not find any evidence in the first five or six sessions. Because you wouldn't return to him if he scared you off. But we have to really make sure of that and the stone doesn't work well if we try to jump over memories".

Jack squeezed Fred´s shoulder in comfort. He had noticed how nervous Fred actually was. "You can start when you're ready", said he and gave Fred a friendly smile. Fred smiled back and nodded at him. "Let's do this once and for all".

Jack let go of Fred´s shoulder and he and Abraham sat down on two of the benches in the room. Every sound got swallowed up in a anticipating silence. Fred closed his eyes and took a deep breath before raising his head and looking into the strange stone in front of him, a stone that would give him all the answers.

_Fred glared up at professor Sprout who had volunteered to escort him to Professor Fathi Loré (to make sure that Fred actually would show up). This whole thing was extremely embarrassing; he would never hear the end of it if George or any other of his brothers found out about this. The teachers were overreacting in Fred´s opinion but if he didn't do as they said they would owl his parents and that was the last thing he wanted. He wasn't sick or anything... or maybe he was, but he was taking care of it on his own! No one seemed to see it that way though, they seemed to see his self-medication as the problem. They sure were stupid and blind... no, Fred´s probably the one who was stupid and blind, technically._

_"You won´t run away, right?" asked Professor Sprout and Fred sighed in defeat and shook his head. Professor Sprout smiled at him and took off. Fred sighed once again and entered the room._

_He closed the door behind him and looked around. The floor was covered in a large carpet and the walls were covered in paintings. The light was dimm and the air was warm and thick. This guy couldn't be a big fan of breathing freely._

_"Welcome", said Loré from behind his tidy desk._

_His brown hair was carefully combed and he wore a light brown suit (he guessed some would describe this man as 'handsome'. Definitely not what he would use... definitely not). Fred could never understand how someone willingly wore those things._

_"Take a seat", said he and motioned towards the chair in front of the desk. Fred sat down on it and crossed his legs and arms. "How are you feeling, Fred?" asked he while writing something down. Fred thought that was weird because he hadn't even said anything yet and he was already being analysed._

_"Good I guess", answered Fred, he didn't answer sarcastically. He wanted to leave as soon as possible._

_"You look much better than last time I saw you", commented Loré and Fred scoffed._

_"No one really looks like a model in that position I was in"._

_"Actually, that's something many models do", answered Loré with a smile and Fred raised an eyebrow._

_"Really?"_

_"I thought you knew. Considering... "._

_"Why are they doing it?"_

_"Why are you doing it?"_

_"I asked first"._

_"Yeah but I assume that my answer is the same as yours"._

_"I doubt that"._

_"They do it because they don´t know better, because they think that it helps". Ouch, that hurt._

_"I feel offended"._

_"Did I hit a sore spot?"_

_"Shut up!"_

_They looked at each other for a while before laughing. "How's your stomach and throat?" asked Loré when they had finished._

_"Stomach´is empty, throat´is sore", answered Fred nonchalantly with a shrug. "The incident in the bathroom happened yesterday and I have slept most of the time since then"._

_"Didn't Pomfrey give you something for your throat?" asked Loré confused._

_"She had other things to worry about than...", shrugged Fred. Loré could see through his facade though._

_"About you?" asked he and Fred looked away._

_"Maybe"._

_"For how long have this been going on?" asked Loré after a short silence._

_Fred looked at him and frowned in confusion. "What are you talking about?"_

_"For how long have you been doing this? Starving yourself?"_

_Fred sighed and looked down at the floor. "I don't see what the big deal is. It´s not that bad, I'm just trying to be healthy and... "._

_"Me and Quirrell caught you in the bathroom with your fingers shoved down your throat", said Loré sternly. The bluntness shocked Fred quite a bit. "That's what you do when you have bulimia, Fred"._

_"Bulimia?" repeated Fred, tasting the words._

_"That's an eating disorder. It's basically when you eat food just to throw it up later. That's at least the simple explanation"._

_Fred got a little irritated for two reasons. 1: he had heard about eating disorders before but not about boys who have it. 2: it didn't explain the whole problem._

_"But only girls have eating disorders!" complained Fred and stood up._

_"Everyone can get eating disorders, Fred", answered Loré patiently._

_Fred groaned in frustration and threw away the chair. "But boys shouldn't!" screamed he. "Everything´is his fault!"_

_Loré stared at Fred for a while with an unreadable expression. "Who?"_

_"He is... he is!"._

_"Calm down Fred". Lore stood up and walked towards the much shorter boy. He grabbed Fred´s shoulders and knelt down so he looked up at Fred's watering eyes. "Tell me". Fred felt safe in the man´s hold._

_He closed his eyes and took a deep and ragged breath before opening them again. "Promise not to tell anyone", said Fred and Loré smiled at him._

_"I'm not allowed to share any information you don't want me to. I could lose my job". That answer put Fred at ease._

_"Okey... there is this voice... "._

_"Voice?" repeated Loré and made sure that they kept eye contact._

_"It's a man's voice, in my head". Tears started to form in his eyes. "It's so mean! It criticizes me, make me feel guilty about things and it... and it... it screams at me to stop eating rubbish and lose weight!"_

_"And what does the voice do if you don't do what it wants?" asked Loré in a whisper._

_"He continues to talk", answered Fred back in a whisper. "All the time, hurts me all the time. Saying that I deserve this for things I have done"._

_Loré looked away for awhile, deep in thought and it scared Fred. He had never told anyone about the voice before; afraid that they would think he was a maniac and lock him in. It felt somehow right to tell Loré though. It didn't look like a caring person like him would judge. Loré smiled softly at himself before looking up at Fred again._

_"For how long have the voice been there?" Fred hesitated before answering: "Always". It was true. As long as he could remember; the voice had been tormenting him. It got a lot worse when he started school though. "_

_Am I nuts?" asked Fred and Loré smiled before wiping away some tears._

_"No Fred, everyone have a little voice in their heads. For some, it's stronger than for others. It's your conscience". It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his chest when Loré said that he wasn't alone with it._

_Loré continued: "It's supposed to help you with making the right decisions. It's probably worse for you because you do so many wrong things that it felt like it had to grow stronger. To punish you"._

_"Aha!" exclaimed Fred happily and clapped his hands together. "Almost like Karma?"_

_Loré beamed back at him. "Yeah! You could say that it's like Karma"._

A sick feeling spread through Fred's chest, like he had been spinning around in circles the whole time.

"That's it for today", said Jack with a smile. Fred noticed that he had laid some kind of blanket over the orb. "How are you feeling?"

"Sick and tired", answered Fred with a weak voice.

"Just like expected", said Abraham before they started to pack away all the things.

Fred couldn't move. His whole body was ice but his brain moved around like crazy. "I had an... eating disorder?" Fred looked down at his smooth stomach. "And the voice have always been here? I've had it since I was a kid? How did it disappear? And why did it come back!? Why now!?" So many questions, even more than before the session. Fred felt relieved that he (once again) got an answer to why he heard the voice. Loré may have been an evil nut job but he was smart... at least he sounded like he knew what he was talking about. He was happy that the memory was back in place, even though it came with a short video of him emptying his stomach until Loré and Quirrell forced him to stop and drag his sobbing body out of the toilets He really was a mess, but why? Fred felt ashamed of his former self for dealing with his weight in such a weak and pathetic way. He didn't care that he wasn't allowed to tell anybody, he would never tell anybody anyway. His family would be so disappointed and think much less of him. Besides, like he said before, George had his own problems to deal with. He didn't need to know that his older twin brother used to be like that. He couldn't tell ANYONE.

The three ministry people packed their things, said goodbye and left in no time. It took probably hours before Fred himself could move even an inch. He didn't know what to think, he didn't know what to feel. He didn't even want to think or feel at the moment. He stood up and ran out of the classroom.

People looked at him weirdly when he passed by but he couldn't care less. He just wanted to escape from all this for a while. He knew that he had to think through the new thoughts, but now wasn't the right time.

He entered the dormitory and hurried to the bedroom before anyone could talk to him. He grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills. _"If I fall asleep I will just have nightmares... "._

_**"But if you stay awake, you have to face this now"**_. The voice won.

He knew that he was only allowed to take two pills but he took four instead and swallowed them dry. It made his throat hurt. It felt like it became a swollen balloon that would choke him to death, but once again he didn't care. He laid down on his bed and kept whispering to himself to "Just breathe", over and over again until everything turned black.

* * *

It was dark when he woke up again and he felt even more ill than before. Quickly, he crawled over to the edge of the bed and emptied the content of his stomach on the floor.

"For Merlin's sake Fred!" Fred looked up and saw that George was in the middle of changing into his pyjamas but stopped when he saw Fred. It couldn't have been that late then.

Before Fred could answer, he started to throw up again. George ran towards Fred, bare-chested, and held back his hair while rubbing his back.

"Oh Fred", said George sadly before Looking up at Lee who stood like a statue next to his own bed. "Run ahead and warn Pomfrey that Fred´s new medication backfired too!" ordered he and Lee nodded before hurrying out of the room. It made Fred sad that this medication didn't work for long but he did take too much after all. Not like he would tell anyone that. He just wanted to fall asleep faster, not damage him again. Stupid.

After a while. only stomach acid came up; burning the inside of his throat._ "How could I do this to myself when I was eleven? It hurts like bloody hell to throw up!"_

"You think you're finished?" asked George and Fred nodded because he didn't trust his own voice.

George put one of Fred's arms around his shoulders and one of his own arms around Fred's waist before helping him to stand up. Pain shot through his whole body, like his bones were shrinking and his insides were crumbling in on each other. Fred groaned and George tightened his grip on him.

"Merlin´s beard Freddie", croaked George before half carrying his brother towards the hospital wing.

* * *

"What did you say, mister Weasley?" asked madam Pomfrey with a frown.

There was only her and Fred there because she had chased George out a couple of minutes ago when she assured them that Fred would be just fine. Fred sighed before repeating his question: "Can you give me something that prevents me from dreaming next time?"

"So your insomnia´is caused by nightmares?" asked Pomfrey, clearly irritated that Fred hadn't told her sooner.

"Yeah", answered Fred and looked down at the covers across his lap.

She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I can give you something for that but I have to contact your parents about what happened. It was more serious this time and they deserve to know", said she and Fred smiled and nodded.

"Okay but please don't mention the bad dreams".

"If that's what you want, mister Weasley", said madam Pomfrey before walking to her office. No adult seemed to realize what keeping things from Fred's parents would cause.


	5. Chapter 5

"You look much better today", commented Oliver at the end of quidditch practice and Fred smirked.

Ever since he stopped his nightmares; he had been able to sleep much better.

"Your flirty ways can´t get you this body without dinner first", joked Fred and wiggled his eyebrows.

Oliver rolled his eyes but couldn't help but joke back. "Oh damn it, you saw right through me!"

Normally, he wouldn't play along but he had been pretty worried about Fred lately.

"Get me dinner next time", said Fred and blew him a kiss.

George walked up to them and wrapped his arm around Fred's shoulders.

"And I guess Fred have to grow a virgina for you in return?"

"Then we have a deal", answered Oliver before going to the showers.

"I´m not taking a shower in the same room as him today", said Fred jokingly and started to undress. George laughed before following suit.

When Fred had removed his shirt he saw that George glanced at him.

"Maybe I should start with the same diet as you, you actually look good".

"I feel offended because of how surprised you sound and you´re far too lazy to give up that much fat food", answered Fred in a playful manner but couldn't help but ask: "Have you noticed anything... weird that happened in our first year?"

George raised an eyebrow at the question. "Pretty much everything we did and saw was weird, mate".

"No I meant... ". Fred regretted that he even brought it up. "Did I act weird? You know, out of the ordinary?"

"You and I have always been out of the ordinary", snickered George. Yeah, not much help. "We´re not the Weasley twins for nothing".

"I guess but I meant out of the Fred-Weasley-ordinary", explained Fred.

He didn't know what kind of response he wanted. Maybe a little more knowledge about how he was at the time? Or more like if it was evident that he starved himself. It was still a little hard to believe.

George thought for a short second before answering: "Nope, have always been the same less handsome Weasley twin as always".

"Go fuck yourself".

"That would be twincest and I would rather kill myself".

"Am I that ugly? You just said that I looked good!" Fred said with a fake hurt expression and covered his heart with his hand.

"But you are my brother, you silly cow", laughed George and pulled down his pants before grabbing a towel. "But don't worry, If I had to have sex with one family member then you would be the one. But only if we were threatened by evil monsters who have sick fantasies".

"I feel so honored", answered Fred sarcastically and George laughed before getting into the shower.

Now Fred didn't want to shower in the same room as him either, but that had another reason too. He actually didn't want to see George at the moment because the reason to why he asked was because he hoped that the younger twin would´ve noticed that something was wrong before. Didn't anyone notice that Fred wasn't happy back then? That he hated his own body enough to ruin it?

_**"Because he didn't care".**_

_"Shut the bloody hell up!"_

**_"You know I´m right"._**

Despite the fact that George probably would be mad at him later for ditching him he quickly changed into his school uniform and hurried out of the dressing room.

_"So Fred", said Loré from behind his desk. "Do you remember what we decided last time?" Fred nodded but didn't look up at him. "And what did we decide?"_

_"That... "._

_"That?"_

_"That I would try putting more food on my plate?"_

_"Well that's a summary of it, I guess. Are the voice´s still bothering you since last time?" Fred really liked how casually the man talked to him. Like he was his equal and not some stupid child._

_"Yeah"._

_"Can you tell me about a certain time when it really troubled you?" Fred´s eyes were directed at the quill in Loré´s hand that moved over an empty page in a leathery green notebook._

_"Well there was that one time, after the most recent quidditch game, and that other time when a teacher tried to force feed me". Loré groaned at the last part and Fred knew why._

_Loré was mad at the teacher for trying to force Fred to eat. He knew better than anyone that it was not going to help at all. It confused Fred why it felt like Loré was the only one who cared about him._

_"Which one do you want me to tell you about, professor Loré?" asked Fred and Loré smiled warmly at him._

_"I would love for you to tell me about both situations, but start with the quidditch game. What happened?"_

_"Well... I didn't sleep very well that night because of a prank... I'm sure that you´ve already heard about that... so I was really sensitive that day. All the noises and excitement during the game only made it worse so I guess I panicked and the voice got much louder"._

_"What did you do about it?" asked Loré before scribbling in his notebook._

_"What do you mean?" asked Fred._

_"When the situation's tuff, everyone have their ways to get through. What did you do to calm yourself down?" Fred thought back hard to remember what exactly he did do to go back to normal._

_"I tried to ignore it at first, I think, but then I think I yelled a lot, ran to the bathroom and there I think I had a panic attack or something like that. It passed after a while"._

_"The best way to deal with that kind of situations is just to stay there you are and try to wait it out", explained Loré. "Because if you run away, it's more likely that you´ll react the same way next time. We can go through different kind of ways to handle that kind of situations later. Now, what did the voice yell at you that time? More about your weight?"_

_"No", said Fred and cleared his throat. "At least I don't think so. I can't really remember, but I don't think it was about my weight because... it felt different, you know. I don't always remember everything he says to me but the feeling the memory give me afterwards helps me guess at least... am I even making sense to you?"_

_"Yeah, don´t worry about it", said Loré and laughed a little. "Tell me about the second time"._

_"When I was bloody force fed like a trashcan? The voice just yelled at me to not let any food reach my stomach... both he and the teacher yelled at me"._

_"What did you do to handle the situation? I doubt that you gave in and ate... "._

_"I bit the teacher´s finger, got him bleeding and now I have one week´s detention. It's better than eating steak"._

_"Well fat food may be too early to try", said Loré. "Start with vegetables and other healthy things". Fred looked at him with a skeptical expression._

_"I don't know if he will let me... "._

_"Tell karma that you can´t improve your studies if your brain isn't functioning right. It needs energy from food, right?" Fred thought for a while, it did sound logical. "Well, what's the point in improving your looks if you´re really stupid? Sorry about the way I phrased that. I've gotten complains from colleges because I'm not speaking with proper language"._

_Fred smiled at Loré and nodded. "He agreed but... I have a question... why are you talking about him like he's a normal person?" Loré could see in Fred's face that he was afraid that he might´ve angered the voice by calling it abnormal._

_"Because it's a part of you, like my voice is a part of me and other voices are parts of other people". That sentence really got Fred's attention._

_"You also have a voice!?" Loré couldn't help but laugh at the excitement in the eleven year old boy´s voice._

_"Yeah we all have. I think I told you about karma last time, didn't I"._

_"Well yeah you did but... but why aren't yours like mine?"_

_"That's because I haven't done anything bad for many years. The voice is not bothering me anymore because I'm a good person that cares about others"._

_A pained expression took over Fred's face and he looked close to tears. "Does this mean that I´m a bad person? So I deserve this?"_

_Loré nodded with a sigh. "Yeah but it can still get better. I know that you´re a good person deep down. You´re brilliant, you just need a little time and I'll help you". Fred still looked like he was dying so Loré stood up and walked over to him. "Come on Fred, show me that famous Weasley smile", said he and dug his fingers into Fred's sides, tickling him. Fred started to laugh loudly while thrashing around, trying to escape but Loré wouldn't let him. Fred managed to escape however when he bit Loré´s arm. "Ow!" yelled Loré with a laugh and let go of Fred who only managed to stand up before Loré grabbed him and lifted him up in the air._

_"Let go of me you arse!" yelled Fred but couldn´t stop laughing himself. He hadn't had this fun in a long time._

_"I can't believe you bit me!"_

_"I can't believe a teacher did this!" answered Fred back._

_"Nothing about me´s normal!"_

_"That explains how we get along!" said Fred and both laughed harder before Loré put him down again._

"I saw you as a friend? Then why did you betray me?"

"What are you talking about Fred?" asked Abraham.

_**"It's probably your fault".**_

* * *

"I'm dying, Fred!"

"You're overreacting, George", said Fred from his bed and rolled his eyes.

"No I'm not!" whined George from his heap on the floor (he looked more like a pile than an actual human being). "My insides are crumbling!"

"Aren't you poetic?" said Fred sarcastically and George glared at him.

"What kind of brother are you to laugh at my misery?"

"A typical one", answered Fred and poked out his tongue at him.

"Don´t be a git", murmured George.

"Am I a git for preventing you from committing a slow suicide?"

"Who´s the poetic one now?"

"You know I'm right", said Fred and both sighed at the same time.

"Can I get just one more?" begged George after a moment of silence.

"You have had enough cigarettes for today", huffed Fred and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Pretty pleeeeease?"

"No George. Don´t make me feel like a shitty person for caring about your health", said Fred angrily. Couldn´t George understand how hard this was for him?

"Freddie, I'm begging on my knees... or I would if I could sit up but I´m too busy dying".

"I said no George, if you´re just going to whine about this then leave me alone". He would much rather eat grass than do this. Grass after a quidditch game, with mud, sweat, blood and everything.

"Don't be like that, Freddie... ".

"Shut up and leave me alone!" shouted Fred and stood up. George lifted his hands in surrender and was about to say something when Fred hurried out of the room.

Maybe he was overreacting. George didn't deserve getting shouted at but Fred wasn´t in a good mood at the moment.

Fred was so angry that he didn't see where he was running... or rather who he was running into. He and the other person collided, but only Fred fell to the ground.

"Mister Weasley!?" exclaimed Snape and glared down at him. "What the hell do you think you are doing up this late!?" Damnit! Fred had forgotten that it was WAY past bedtime.

"But hullo, Snape", said Fred and laughed nervously. "Have you been working out? Because I flew like ten feet away from running into you".

"Keep your manipulating words to yourself mister Weasley. Stand up!" Fred did what he said with his usual cocky smirk. Can't show weakness, can we? "What in the world are you doing up!?" All the portraits around them told them to stop shouting.

"It's not very respectful to wake them up", couldn´t Fred help himself but say. He earned a scowl. Well deserved, at least in the voice´s opinion (and his own).

"Empty your pockets", ordered Snape and Fred´s face turned white. He had something peculiar in his right pocket that didn't belong to him... but to George.

Fred tried to laugh it off and said: "I´m not up to no good this time professor. I´m just out on a nightly adventure... ".

"Empty your pockets, now", said he sternly and Fred sighed in defeat. There was nothing he could do now. So he shoved his hands down his pockets and put a few rubber bands and a half full package of cigarettes in Snape's outstretched hands. The shocked expression on snape´s face would´ve been hilarious in another situation... okey it was still a little funny but not enough for Fred to actually smile or laugh. "To my office. Now!" said Snape with a serious and cold voice before turning around and walking away. Fred followed right behind, there was no need to fight it.

_"I'm sorry George"._

Snape's calm aura only lasted until the door to his office was closed behind them.

"I knew you Weasleys didn't have much for brains but this is low even for you!" He grabbed Fred´s collar and threw him backwards so the back of his legs hit a table. He fell once again and landed on it. "Wait... he doesn't know that George´s the one smoking. He doesn't have to get in trouble for it!"

"Oi! No need to insult my family for my behavior!"_ "You owe me big time for this one George"._

"Do you have any idea of how dangerous smoking is? Or how _forbidden_ that is at school?"

"Wow, for one second I thought that you cared about my health", joked Fred.

"You can be suspended for this". That sentence made his body froze.

"I'm gonna be honest with you Snape", said Fred and scratched his neck. "My family doesn't know about this... is there a punishment I can take that they won't know about?" the question was stupid, he knew that but he had to try, right? Plus, he wouldn't be able to hold the mask if he got too many questions about it. Snape thought for a while before giving Fred a creepy look. "But if you want me to give you head, I take the first punishment". Snape scowled at him and hit him at the back of his head.

"Stop talking nonsense Weasley! Or I'll change my mind... ".

"That's not much of a threat until I know what you´re thinking about... ".

"Quiet! I'll take 20 points from Gryffindor and... ". Snape put the package of cigarettes on Fred´s lap. "I want you to eat them".

Fred raised an eyebrow at him and sat up straight. "Eat? I know that you´re not familiar with muggle things but you´re not supposed eat these kind of things... you´re setting them on fire and inhaling them basically". _"At least that's what George does"._

"I am well aware of that, mister Weasley", said Snape and took a step closer. "But they would disappear faster if you ate them, right? You´ll also learn your lesson faster as well".

Fred stared up at him for a while without being able to say anything. "You can't be serious... ".

"If these aren't gone before classes start then I´ll suspend both you and George, because I doubt you´re the only one smoking. I'll send a letter to your parents, give you two months worth of detention and take away 70 points from Gryffindor".

Fred´s eyes widened and his heart started to beat faster. "You... you c-can´t do that!" exclaimed Fred but Snape shook his head.

"I can and I will... unless you start pretending that it's chocolate from Hogsmeade".

Fred felt his natural pale skin turn even paler. With shaking hands he picked up the package from his lap, opened it and took out one of the cigarettes. He had never hated it more.

"Go on", encouraged Snape and Fred gulped before putting one fourth of it in his mouth and bit down on it before tearing a piece off. As soon as his teeth cut through the paper he started to gag. He started to cough violently and felt like he was going to throw up but continued to chew it anyway. Snape put a bucket in front of him so he wouldn't have to clean up the mess later on.

"Don´t be a child about it and take your punishment", said Snape and crossed his arms over his chest.

_"This is horrible! How can George smoke this on a regular basis!?"_ Fred chewed the soggy paper and poison for a little while longer before forcing himself to swallow it. The voice was quiet, which meant that this was good for his karma. "Wow, I must´ve really done something bad to deserve this". He shoved the rest of the cigarette in his mouth and fought against the urge to throw up until it also went down his throat. He coughed once again like his windpipes were clogging up and his lungs were filled with ashes.

"Continue, but don't choke to death", said Snape with an emotionless voice. Fred wanted to cry, but refused to let any tears fall.

_**"Don't be a pussy. Men don't cry, they take their punishment with pride and go on with their lives. Are you a worthless wuss, Fred?"**_

Wanting the voice to shut up, Fred continued eating cigarette after cigarette even though he felt like he was choking to death. It felt like his head was going to explode and he actually threw up a few times but still continued. Snape actually looked like he regretted the punishment when an extra sticky piece of paper flew out of Fred´s mouth and into the bucket.

"I think that's enough, mister Weasley", said Snape but Fred ignored him.

_"I'll get through with this! I'm not a worthless wuss who can´t handle the consequences of their actions! Even though my head hurts... and I feel really dizzy... No! I'm NOT going to faint again!"_

After what felt like hours, the whole package was empty and Fred felt like he was dying. Snape didn't say anything, he just stood there but Fred knew what he had to do to feel better... no, he was not going to madam Pomfrey, not again! He would take the matter in his own hands. Ignoring Snape´s stare, he picked up the bucket and placed it in his lap.

"My throat is really gonna be sore tomorrow".

"Mister Weasley, maybe you should... ". The rest of the sentence died in Snape's throat when Fred shoved down two fingers down his own throat and started to throw up in the bucket in front of him. It really stung, he couldn't tell if the cigarette eating or the throwing up was worse.

"Merlin, Weasley", said Snape after a while when only stomach acid dripped down into the bucket.

"Gosh! This bloody hurts!" exclaimed Fred in a raspy and hoarse voice. He knew that it would´ve been worse to keep it in his system. With shaking legs he stood up, put the bucket in Snape's arms and stared right into his eyes. "This. Is. Not. Like. The. Bathroom. Incident", said Fred with clenched hands, not caring if Snape knew what he was talking about or not. "Let's just forget this". And he was out of the room.


	6. Chapter 6

_"Why did you choose a job there you talk to children all day, Loré?" asked Fred and took a sip from his cup of tea._

_"First of all, please call me Fathi, Fred", said Loré with a smile. "And to answer your question, the most difficult things usually come up during your childhood so I want to help before the children end up either in an early grave or with a troubled adulthood"._

_"So you want to make sure that they end up like you?" joked Fred and laughed but regretted saying anything when he saw how Loré´s face darkened. Emotions like sadness, anger, confusion and things Fred couldn't identify radiated from the older male._

_"No Fred", said Loré and shook his head. "I want to help them, help you, become the best possible version of yourselves as you can be"._

_"You seems like a good version of most people though", said Fred and raised an eyebrow._

_"Oh believe me Fred", said Loré with a smirk. "I´m far away from the best version of me as possible... without it eating me alive"._

_"Like the voice does to me?"_

_"I'm happy for you", said Loré with a smile, changing the subject. "I have heard from Pomfrey that you have started to gain weight"._

_"Yeah, but I don't know if I like that fact or not", said Fred sadly and looked down at the floor._

_"That's normal for anyone in your position", assured Loré. "Let's talk about you and how you feel"._

_"At the moment or in general?"_

_"Well I can already guess how you feel at the moment so tell me about how you feel most of the time", said Loré and picked up his notebook._

_"I feel stressed and sad", answered Fred. "Stressed because of school, my weight gain, my family someday knowing and other things"._

_"You have a twin brother, right? George, I believe his name is? Doesn´t he know about this?"_

_Fred shook his head. "Even though I feel guilty, I can not tell him. I'm embarrassed I guess, and he would probably think that I'm crazy and stop being with me"._

_"Would your brother really do that?" asked Loré and Fred hesitated._

_"I'll tell him when I get better, he doesn´t need to know", answered he stubbornly and Loré sighed._

_"As long as that's what you really want. I can understand if you don't want to make him or anyone else worried. You said that you felt sad, can you describe it?"_

_"How do you mean?"_

_"Describe your sadness, what do you think about when you're sad? What do you do?" Fred thought for a while._

_"Well... I think really low about myself, how my problems will weight other people down. I feel guilty most of the time", explained Fred._

_"Have you ever thought about hurting yourself?" Fred looked at him confused._

_"What?"_

_"Have you ever been thinking about inflicting pain upon yourself?"_

_"No? Why would I do that?"_

_"Some people do it because they think it will help them cope with the mental pain", explained Loré._

_"That sounds kind of stupid", said Fred and Loré shrugged._

_"I guess, but humans are rarely sane. It's good that you don't do it though"._

_Fred watched as Loré picked up some papers from the table and looked through them. The curiosity took over so Fred jumped off his own chair and walked over to the desk to stand behind him._

_"What are you looking at?"_

_"Pictures of Snape´s mom naked", murmured Loré, still focused on the papers and Fred laughed._

_He had learned that Loré could say the weirdest things without knowing it from time to time when he was thinking really hard or reading something._

_"So you're not a fan of him either?"_

_"No he always stick his obese nose in everyone's bloody business", answered Loré with an eyeroll and a smirk. "If I didn´t know better I would´ve thought that he fancied me or something"._

_"I ship it", joked Fred and Loré looked at him with a glare._

_"I would rather have a threesome with Dumbledore and a troll"._

_"I bet Snape would be honored to hear that", answered Fred sarcastically and Loré laughed._

_"Just imagine how mine and his children would look like!"_

_"You're both males", answered Fred. "You can't have children"._

_"He knows his potions, he would find a way"._

_"Oh God", said Fred before both bursting out laughing. Loré did really act like a kid or a teenager sometimes. "I will never be able to look at professor Snape the same way again", said Fed. "But what are you actually reading?"_

_"Just some papers I found among my things that I don't remember"._

_"Why are you reading those while you´re talking to me? That doesn´t sound professional..."._

_"I thought it was notes about you at first... but I probably wrote these when I was a teenager... "._

_Fred´s eyes widened. "Let me see, let me see, let me see..."._

_He climbed up on Loré´s lap and started to read the paper. He felt the body underneath him freeze._

_"Welcome to Santa's lap", said Loré and laughed nervously. "II hope it's more comfortable for you than how Santa feels right now... the kids I have in my lap are mostly newborns that I'm forced to hold"._

_"Sorry but I'm too tired to stand up", said Fred nonchalantly and laughed at something funny he found in the text. "You're terrible at poetry"._

_"Yeah I know", said Loré sadly and looked down at the ground ashamed. "Can you please get off me before a teacher comes in and I get fired for molesting an underaged boy?"_

_"Well I can't let that be your legacy", joked Fred and laughed before jumping down from loré´s lap. "I use my friends as chairs sometimes"._

_"Then I feel honored for being used as a chair myself", said Loré sarcastically and Fred laughed._

_"You should be Fathi, you should be"._

_"I will sit on you when you least expect it"._

_"You're an adult!" "_

_Not mentally!"_

_Fred agreed with that._

"What´s on your mind Freddie?" asked George when they were on their way from potions.

Snape acted like normal around Fred which was a huge relief but Fred himself couldn't get over what happened that night

"What do you mean George?"

George glared at him. "Don't bullshit me Fred. You haven't been yourself since you got sick".

The cigarettes Fred was forced to eat made him extremely sick the day after. He hadn't been able to breathe properly, his stomach was hurting, he could barely move and his throat was really thick and raspy. His voice was still a little raspy.

"I'm fine George, just still a little sick. That's all".

George groaned in frustration and grabbed Fred´s wrist, making him stop walking. "I felt the tobacco smell in your breath when you came back", whispered he with his teeth pressed together. Fred froze. "Tell me the truth Fred, you didn't lose the package by accident, did you? Did you or did you not get sick because you tried to smoke but overdid it?"

Fred sighed and looked down at the floor. "Not really but close... ".

"Then what happened then!?" Fred sighed once again before telling George the truth about that night. George´s eyes widened and his grip tightened around Fred´s wrist.

"Ow George!"

"Sorry!" exclaimed George and let go of him. "Snape will regret this", said he with a smirk and Fred smiled.

_**"You can´t let George get in trouble because of your mistakes! You shouldn't have told him!"**_

Fred stopped smiling. "No it's alright George, I did scare him already".

Fred hadn't told George that he made himself throw up.

George glared at him. "But he made you eat a whole package with cigarettes! That's fucking insane! Why did you say that the cigarettes belonged to you!?"

Fred shrugged. "He came to that conclusion himself and I didn't want to sell you out. You owe me by the way".

"This is all my fucking fault", said George and covered his face with his hands. Fred regretted telling him.

_**"Look at what you´ve done now you piece of shit".**_

"No it's not your fault. I shouldn't have left the common room in the middle of the night with your cigarettes in my pocket. I didn't even try to be quiet and hide. Of course he found me! Besides, you would have done the same if it was you instead of me".

George sighed and they started to walk again. "Yeah I guess but I... ".

"This would have been for nothing if he discovers that you´re the one who smokes", said Fred and George closed his mouth again.

"You could´ve choked to death", whispered George and Fred shrugged with a smirk.

"He wouldn't have gone that far. I wish someone had caught us, Snape would´ve been in deep trouble!"

_**"You´re lying! You still think that you deserved that punishment".**_

_"What did I do to deserve you!?"_

_**"If I gave you the answer then you wouldn't learn your lesson!"**_

_As soon as Fred opened the door he got thrown on the floor. "What the hell!?" exclaimed he before feeling so pressure on his stomach that he could barely breathe._

_"Revenge!" exclaimed Loré._

_"Get off of me! You're heavy!" Fred couldn´t believe that Loré actually went through with his threat to sit on him. "What kind of adult are you!?"_

_"A kid in a man's body", answered Loré before standing up and walking over to the desk. Fred groaned and sat up. He was just about to say something when his eyes landed on Loré´s right wrist. He could see several thin white lines._

_"What are those?" asked he and Loré raised an eyebrow._

_"What are you talking about?" asked he confused and sat down at his desk. Fred stood up and walked towards him and pulled up his sleeve, exposing more of the white lines. "Aha. It´s scars, Fred", answered Loré with a sigh before removing Fred´s hand and taking off his blazer. Fred´s eyes widened when he saw that his whole arms were covered in them._

_"What happened!? Did you get attacked!?" Loré laughed and shook his head._

_"Remember when I asked you about if you thought about harming yourself?" Fred nodded and thought for a while before he realized what Loré was talking about._

_"Fathi? YOU did this to yourself!?" exclaimed he. Now he felt bad for calling self-harmers stupid. But how could he know that Fathi used to be one!? "There are so many of them!?"_

_"Yeah and I cannot heal them either because of an allergic reaction I get from almost every potion. I´m not sad about it though, they remind me that I overcame my depression. Many people hurt themselves to cope with their pain"._

_"How does that even help?"_

_"It's hard to explain", answered Loré and messed with Fred´s hair. "You're not the only insane person in this room". Fred laughed at his comment._

_"No I guess not"._

"It's kind of exciting that the boy who lived is in our house", beamed Lee.

He and the twins were planning their next prank while glancing at their younger brother and the famous Harry potter across the room.

"Yeah, it's also pretty awesome that he's friends with our little Ronald", said George.

"We can be bridesmaids at their wedding", suggested Fred and the other two laughed.

"We'll have matching orange dresses!" exclaimed George a little too loud and earned a few odd looks from students around them.

"It's a bit too early to talk about weddings", said Lee and poked his tongue out at them. "Besides, how are you so cool about wearing dresses?"

"Because we would look _fabulous_ as fuck!" exclaimed Fred and forced a laugh.

"Watch your language!" they heard Percy scowl from out of nowhere and they laughed.

"Sorry mommy!" said George with a childlike voice.

"Yeah! Please don't spank us!" added Fred before the three pranksters burst out laughing again. They didn't see it, but Percy's face turned red of embarrassment before he left the room.

"You guys are weird!" yelled Ron and they couldn't help but agree.

"We're proud of our weirdness!" exclaimed George.

"Yeah!" Fred agreed. Harry couldn't help but laugh at them either.

Suddenly a bushy-haired girl entered the common room and walked over to Ron and Harry. She started to yell at them and Fred couldn't help but think that Ron had just gotten himself a second mom. He could tell by George´s face that he thought so too. The girl turned around and glared at them. Her eyes were beautiful. That must´ve been the Granger girl. Now both Fred and George feared that they might´ve got another Percy instead.


	7. Chapter 7

The more memories Fred got back from the sessions with Abe, Jack and Coliette the more he dreaded the next meeting, but at the same time really looked forward to. Fathi was such a nice person, a nice _friend, _to Fred. He even helped Fred through his eating disorder and helped him with the voice in his head. Why did Loré have to be a bad guy? That fact became more and more hard for Fred to believe. A man like that couldn't have done all those things that he had been accused of. In the memories; Fathi was a child at heart who was honest and actually fragile. Was it possible that Fathi had been framed by the _real _bad guy? That sounded most likely. If Fathi was innocent then Fred would continue with the sessions without any fuss to prove that the man had nothing to do with it! But... why did Fathi erase his memories? To protect him from something? Maybe the villain wanted to get rid of Fathi because he knew too much? Fred maybe knew too much as well and Fathi erased his memories so the villain wouldn't do the same to him? _"I have seen Fathi´s scars, he would kill himself in Azkaban... I have to do what I can to save him! Like he saved me... "._

"Where are you going all the time?" asked George from his bed. His eyes were glued to Fred´s back as Fred was tying his shoelaces.

"That punishment I spoke about", answered he without hesitation. "Still don´t know the reason though".

"Don't you think that's a little weird?" asked the younger twin and Fred shrugged before standing up.

"I guess but I don't want to risk more work for asking... they'll think that I´m still denying it even though they´re sure that it's me".

"When´s the detention over anyway?" Fred thought for a while. _"I have been there four times, right? Then it must be three times left". _

"Three more times, then I'm free".

**_"Free? That depends on what your memories contains, doesn't it? You're already wasting your time on thinking about your boyfriend in prison. It only seems that you become less and less free the more you discover". _**

The voice had a point actually. He felt more caged in his thoughts than before... "_ Boyfriend!? He's more than twice my age!?" _

George raised an eyebrow and crooked his head. "So... seven days of detention at random times... doesn't that sound a little curious to you?"

Fred shrugged again. "Maybe but I´m not complaining... better than two weeks in a row with muggle chores, in my opinion!"

"I guess... ", murmured George, still suspicious but Fred ignored his questioning look and left the room before his brother could ask something else. He hated the fact that he had to lie to George but what choice did he have?

_Loré pierced a piece of boiled vegetable with his trustworthy fork and held it in front of Fred's face. "Open up!" _

_"Can you change my diaper later too?" asked Fred sarcastically and crossed his arms over his chest. "And then teach me to use the potty?" _

_"You´re far too young to use big-boy stuff like that", answered Loré just as sarcastically as Fred did. "But change your bloody diaper yourself! I can barely stand my own shit on my hands... ". _

_"And the best daddy award goes to... ". _

_"Me!" answered Loré and both laughed. _

_"By the way, why are you trying to feed me _your _food?" _

_"Because I can!... and I´m testing a new recipe!" _

_Fred looked at him with a scowl. "And you couldn't have told me instead of starting to shove it in my mouth? I still have an eating disorder, right?" _

_Loré laughed nervously and scratched his neck. "Yeah but I'm desperate! I'm going to a party next week on Friday and I have to bring something!" _

_"I feel so honored that I´m your last resort", said Fred sarcastically and rolled his eyes. "Besides, don't we have an appointment that day?" _

_Loré´s face turned pale and he laughed nervously again. "Yeah I was going to tell you that... and ask you a question". _

_"Well at least you won´t shove this one in my face, right?" joked Fred and Loré laughed. _

_"Not physically... but it depends on how you see it". _

_Now Fred became curious... and a little afraid to be honest. "What is it?" asked he. _

_"Will you marry me- no just kidding... ". _

_"Oh, I almost dropped my panties there", said Fred and laughed. _

_It really felt like they were the same age. They could joke about anything... and talk about anything... it was hard to have that kind of relationship with your brothers. _

_"What's the real question?" _

_"Do you want to come with me to the party?" asked Loré hopefully and Fred smiled brightly. _

_"That sounds bloody fantastic! But won't Dumbledore... ". _

_"Oh he won't know", said Loré with a smirk. "But you like being bad, don´t you?" _

_"You know me", said Fred with an mischievous smirk. "But why did you even decide invite me?" _

_Loré´s smile widened. "Because... I see myself in you, my friend, and I remember... when I was your age... my uncle took me to this party... we normally go there together but he can't this year"._

_"Why?" _

_"He's dead". Fred stared at him and no one said a word for a while. _

_"Oh... ", said he awkwardly and Loré shrugged. _

_"Yep... choked to death by a prostitute with his own insides that she ripped out of his stomach". _

_"I'm so sorry", said Fred sadly but tried not to throw up at the pictures popping up in his head. "I´m really flattered though and would love to come with you as long as I won't get in trouble... what kind of party is it anyway? Do I have to wear a suit?" asked Fred a little hesitant and Loré laughed. _

_"It's a wild party, you´ll only ruin your suit if you wear it... take something casual". _

_"A wild party?" asked Fred and couldn´t hide the excitement in his voice. _

_He already knew that everything about this idea would get him in deep trouble if his mother ever found out. But why not live a little? Besides, his mom didn't care. Always talking about how the other siblings needed to eat to not become too skinny while not noticing that he starved himself. She probably agreed with the voice; she thought he was fat or just couldn't care less. No one noticed, no one cared!... But Fathi did. _

_"Yeah", answered Loré. "Everything can happen! It's quite exciting... plus that I´ll show you something that always makes me see the purpose of my life". The last sentence was pretty touching... not that he ever would say it out loud... he was a male after all._

_"So... ", said Loré after a few minutes of silence. "What did you think about the food?" Fred looked at him confused. _

_"I haven't eaten anything yet?" said he but it sounded more like a question when he looked down at the empty plate. "Did you feed me while we were talking!?" exclaimed Fred. "How did you do that!?" _

_Loré laughed. "At first I just wanted to mess with you but when you didn't even give it much thought I just continued". _

_"You're evil", said Fred but failed to look angry. _

_"So how did it taste?" Fred directed his focus to his taste buds. _

_"Pretty good... but I suspect that you didn't boil this in water". _

_Loré´s eyes widened. "Again!?" _

_Fred laughed at the reaction. "Nah I'm just messing with you. It only needs more salt... what do you mean with 'again'?" _

_Once again, Loré laughed nervously. "I once tried to boil it in alcohol... while I was drunk of course. My roommate had to put up with a lot of things", said he and Fred laughed. "Now, let's continue with me being your counselor. I see that you have been eating more. I´m so proud"._

"Can´t christmas arrive sooner!" exclaimed Angelina and leaned her weight on Fred who laughed in return.

"Can you shout any louder?" said he sarcastically.

"It's not like you to whine like this. What´s up?" asked Lee and Katie nodded.

Angelina sighed and closed her eyes. "My mom just came home for the first time since that accident at work... ".

"Accident!?" exclaimed Katie and she nodded.

"Yeah but she´s back to normal now.. But I really want to see her and besides... I have a bad feeling that something bad's gonna happen... ".

"To her?" asked Lee. "You just said that she´s back to normal".

"It's not about her", said Angelina and everyone became quiet.

"Where is George by the way?" asked Lee to break the silence and Fred looked away.

Ever since the last session; he was slightly irritated every time he was around his family. George had noticed that. It was probably because of the fact that they ignored his problems when he was eleven. The more Fred learned about his past self, the more he became angry with his them... and the more he became mad at himself. Why? Because even though he was mad at his family for not caring, he also hated himself for not being good enough for them to care about. It was a bad circle. He hated them for making him feel this way and hated himself for making them not caring. George had tried to ask about it but Fred didn't let him. Fred was afraid that he might scream at George, and hurting him was the last thing Fred wanted to do. Why couldn't he stop being so angry? Why couldn't he just let this go?

**_"Because you're pathetic and everyone else knows it too". _**

"Fred? Hey Fred!" called Lee, snapping him out of his dark thoughts (not for the first time).

"Yeah?" said Fred and looked up at him.

"Are you alright, lad? Are you getting sick again?" asked he concerned and the girls started to stare at him too. It felt like their eyes bore into his soul and he hated it.

Fred stood up. "Maybe... I´ll go and wash my face with some water", said he and left before anyone could say anything.

On purpose, he choose the way to the bathroom that he was almost 100 % sure that George wouldn't pick. Fred made sure that the room was empty before walking over to the sink. He splashed enough water to soak his shirt in his face before rubbing it until his cheeks turned red. He didn't stop until his face felt numb. He stared up at his reflection and screamed in fear. Behind him stood a dark figure surrounded by smoke. Fred didn't know why he got so scared but something was terribly wrong. He quickly turned around, but the figure was gone. He felt a huge relief though his heart was still beating faster than normal.

"Is this supposed to be a sick prank or something? This isn't funny George!" _"No it's probably my imagination". _

Fred turned around again to turn off the water and accidentally looked up in the mirror. But it wasn't his own reflection he saw but the dark figure up close. He was paralyzed with fear with his mouth wide open. The figure didn't have a face but he could still see, no _feel, _it _smile _at him.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" screamed Fred as soon as he got his voice back.

It started to laugh and before he knew it, his right fist hit the mirror not once, but _five _times. Every hit sent an electric shock through his whole arm. He left his hand in what was left on the wall. Some broken shards was stuck in his hand but most of it was laying in the sink. The blood was dripping down the wall (where the mirror used to be) but he felt nothing... until he actually realized what he had done. He screamed out in pain while clutching his poor hand. He fell down to his knees and tried to hold back his tears. It didn't hurt as much as he had thought, he was mostly scared and mad at himself. "I'm such a bloody fool".

The door flew open and George ran inside. His eyes widened when he looked at the blood on the wall and then at Fred´s hand.

"What the bloody hell happened?" He sat down behind Fred and put his hands on his shoulders.

Fred looked down at the floor. "I punched the mirror", murmured he but his twin couldn't hear him.

"What?" asked he and Fred sighed.

"I punched the mirror", said he a little louder and noticed how crazy that sounded.

"Yeah I could've guessed that", said George and rolled his eyes while forcing a laugh to not make it so emotional. "But why?"

Fred thought for a few seconds to come up with an excuse that wouldn't make him sound like a maniac. "Thought I saw someone jumping at me but it turned out to be my own reflection... no, I didn't think it was you. Punching you that hard would be too much", assured Fred while George helped him up (though he actually didn't think he needed the help).

"Did you break the mirror with only one punch?" asked George a little amused and Fred nodded though it was a lie. "You really seems to accidentally hurt yourself a lot lately", snickered George with a laugh but it sounded a bit forced in Fred´s opinion. He didn´t voice it though, if the ones he cared about wanted to stay in the dark then he would leave them there. They didn't have to suffer just because Fred does.

"Yeah, I'm really not the lucky twin", joked Fred before they left the bathroom.

* * *

Life really wasn't fair. It felt like life only put more and more shit on Fred´s plate and he had no other choice than to eat it. Like it wasn't enough with his insecurities and the voice in his head; now a black clothed figure could appear in the corner of his eye from time to time. Especially when he walked past something that could show his or others´s reflections, when either too much was going on around him or not enough and when he actually felt somewhat happy. Like an constant reminder of the darkness that no one else could see. Hehe... when did Fred become so poetic? Fred Weasley, the pitiful clown.

**_"I start to suspect that you´re high on your pills". _**_"Me too... hehe... "._

"Is it true?" Ron walked up to Fred who was sitting half dead on one of the couches in the common room. Harry and Hermione walked up close behind him.

"What?" asked Fred and winked at them tiredly.

"What´s he on?" asked Ron confused and turned to look at George.

George looked up from his and Lee´s game of wizard chess. "Sleeping pills", answered he despite Fred´s glare.

Ron´s eyes widened and he looked back at Fred skeptically. "Sleeping pills? Why would you need those?" Fred was just about to answer with a sarcastic remark but Granger (of course) beat him to it.

"Obviously for sleeping, Ronald", said she and rolled her eyes.

"But why do you need pills to help you sleep?" Ron asked Fred and this time it was his turn to roll his eyes.

"Beats me", answered he and closed his eyes. "What do you want? I'm not in a good mood".

"Grumpy", murmured Ron. "Is it true? That you beat up a mirror?"

"Beat up?" said Fred confused. "I hit it once on accident and split my hand open... how do you even know about that?"

"It's got people talking", answered Hermione with a voice that held some sort of disgust against him. Fred didn't really know why that bothered him (not bothering too much though). "Breaking the school´s property is against the rules. You should be thankful that you didn't get punished for it".

Fred raised his now healed hand. "I think the shards slicing my hand was punishment enough, Granger. So everyone knows about this? Great, now they'll all think that I´m a psychopath... ".

"Don't they already?" asked Lee and Fred flipped him off.

"Did it hurt?" asked Ron and the others looked at him like he was stupid.

"It obviously hurt, Ron", said Hermione and Fred faked a smirk. Because now when he thought about it... it didn't hurt that much.

**_"Not enough"._**


	8. Chapter 8

_"Are you ready?" asked Loré as soon as Fred stepped into the room. Which scared him because he had been sneaking all the way there in fear that someone would find him... and the way Loré was smiling at him; he knew that Fred was one edge. _

_"Bloody git", said Fred while trying to catch his breath. Loré only laughed at him. _

_"Yeah, but I'm allowed too. So, are you ready?" _

_"As long as you won´t give me an heart attack so... ", said Fred and Loré laughed once again. _

_Honestly, Fred felt nervous. Not because of the party itself but because of the fact that he would for the first time go to something this big without George. They did everything together... okey, ALMOST everything. Going to a party without him felt kind of like he was betraying him._

_Fred was wearing a simple knitted long-sleeved shirt (not one of those with the first letter of his name on it), a dark grey jacket and a pair of old jeans. Loré was dressed in all black with a leather jacket. It was a weird and unusual sight because Fred was used to seeing him in brownish suits._

_"How are we going to travel?" asked Fred. _

_"We´ll travel with two things! And both will make you want to vomit!" exclaimed Loré dramatically and Fred felt himself start to sweat. _

_"Do we have to?" asked he. _

_"Don't ask me to change my plans just when we have to leave!" said Loré angrily with a pout, which made Fred understand that he wasn't seriously upset. _

_"Let´s go then", said Fred and Loré stretched out his arm in his direction. _

_"Take my hand". _

_"Is this another gay joke or is this actually how we´re going to travel?" _

_"Both". _

_"Of course", said Fred and Loré laughed. _

_"You should know about that by now". _

_"You are aware of that I'm eleven, right?" _

_"And you're aware of that I'm supposed to be an adult, right?" _

_"I'm starting to think that you're seriously younger than me... but that you´re a giant... ". _

_"I wish. That I was a giant, I mean I'm short for my age", commented Loré before Fred grabbed his hand. He knew that they would apparate from the school but he also knew that it was impossible. Because Dumbledore had put something on the school to prevent anyone from doing so. _

_Just in a few seconds, they were no longer in the classroom, so Fred guessed that it wasn't so impossible after all._

_They arrived at some sort of tiny cabin in the middle of a road. The road was deserted, the weather was extremely hot despite the darkness surrounding them and the tiny cabin looked like it had been attacked multiple times. Fred fell to the ground as soon as he felt some kind of surface underneath his feet. He felt like he was going to throw up everything he had been eating that week... which count as one whole meal. Hey! He started to GET better, not BE better! _

_"You're not going to start kissing the ground, are you?" asked Loré with a voice full of amusement._

_ Fred glared up at him and stood up with shaking legs. "Was that a sarcastic question, Fathi?" _

_"Partially. I kissed the ground when my uncle took me". _

_"Every time?" _

_"Maybe... ". _

_"So what are we going to travel with now?" _

_"Take my hand". _

_Fred raised an eyebrow. "Again?" said he before taking Loré´s hand once again, but this time nothing happened. "Why aren't we moving?" asked Fred. _

_"Because our ride isn't here yet", answered Loré with a shrug. _

_"Then why did you ask me to take your hand?" _

_"I'll give you two options", said Loré with a smirk. "Either I'm in love with you... or I accidentally touched something disgusting that I can't identify, but felt like it would be funny if you touched it as well". Fred actually had to think for a while because Loré was an really confusing man._

_After a while he decided that it had to be the seconds option so he let go of the older man's hand and wiped it on his pants. _

_"You're smart", snickered Loré and Fred poked out his tongue at him. _

_"You're more childish than usual", commented Fred and Loré shrugged. _

_"Well, this party brings out my inner child", answered he and they smiled at each other. _

_"So where's our ride?" asked Fred. Loré looked around and narrowed his eyes at the road a few miles away._

_"There it is!" yelled he excited and Fred turned around to see what Loré was looking at. Some sort of muggle device was coming closer and closer until it stopped in front of them. _

_"What is this?" asked Fred and looked it over. What a strange thing. _

_"I think it's some sort of mix between a car, a motorcycle and a bike... ish", answered Loré and scratched his throat. "Jump in". Loré stepped into the weird vehicle. "It's a fifteen minute drive"._

_Loré was right... the second "traveling device" also made him almost throw up. They stopped in front of a tiny pub called "The dancing pri... ", the rest of the name had been either covered in dirt or removed. _

_"I guess that contains some sort of portal to the party?" said Fred as soon as he had stopped dry-heaving. _

_"Something like that", answered Loré with a smirk and walked towards the door. He opened it and Fred followed him down five rusty stairs until they came to another door. _

_"Ready? Not like I care!" exclaimed Loré before opening it. Both males were met with loud music and screaming. The room was huge and dark with lights in all kinds of colors. There were two sets of stairs, one leading up and one leading down, and a door at the back of the room leading outside. People were dancing, drinking, talking and some were even fighting (or fucking?). Fred felt a little uneasy but didn't show it to Loré who looked as bright as the sun. It made Fred more secure in his position as well. _

_"Let´s go in", said Loré and they entered the room before closing the door behind them. The air was thick and warm and it made Fred a little light headed. Someone was definitely smoking something odd that left a heavy cloud above everyone, but Fred felt a little bit more awake for every time he took a breath. Loré put his arm around Fred's shoulders and lead him further into the room. Not many people looked at them so Fred assumed that underaged people wasn´t something uncommon._

_They walked over to the bar and Loré ordered something strong for himself and something a little more "tame" for Fred. Fred didn't even hesitate to drink the clearly-containing-alcohol drink. All the people around him looked like they had fun and they surely couldn't have that fun without anything in their systems. The drink burned a little in his throat but apart from that he kind of liked it. _

_"Just remember Fred", said Loré and lowered his head so he was the same level as him. "Don't accept drinks from strangers if they're not bottles that haven't been opened before", warned he._

_"Because they might try to drug me and sell me on the underground market?" asked Fred. He wasn't that oblivious that he didn't know what things could occur at these kind of places. _

_"That's one of the many things, yeah", answered Loré and ruffled the younger boy's hair. "I'm so glad that you aren't that innocent". Fred agreed and laughed._

_They both ordered a few more drinks before they left for the dance floor. Fred felt a little tipsy, but not enough to make stupid (more than usual) decisions. Loré couldn't stay for long though because a few minutes later a stranger walked up to them and whispered something in Loré's ear. Loré told Fred that he had to go downstairs for a while but also told him that if someone tried to touch him, he had to tell him that he was Loré's. Fred asked why he had to make it sound so possessive but Loré explained that they wouldn't take him seriously if he didn't make it sound like he "belonged to someone more powerful than himself". It made Fred wonder about who Loré actually was. Someone with so much influence working at Hogwarts as someone who helped kids? It's not that he thought that Loré was bad for the job, it was more like that someone like him could probably get a much better job. _

_Despite not being a dancer, Fred actually found himself enjoying it... but it could have something to do with the drinks in his system. _

_"Hallo there". Fred turned around and was met by a pretty busty woman with short brown hair who was only a little taller than him. _

_"Ehm... hi?" said Fred a bit confused. _

_She leaned in closer. "Do you want to dance?" _

_Why not? Fred thanked yes but didn't let his guard down. She was probably twice his age but why not have a little fun? She was hot, wasn't she? _

_"I haven't seen you before", she commented and danced closer to him. _

_"No this is a one time thing", answered Fred. "A friend of mine wanted me to come with him and... here I am". _

_She turned around and started to grind on him... which probably would have been more exciting if he had been going through puberty. The only reason that he even felt a little excited was because a guy in his age getting close to a woman like this was something cool. _

_"Then remind me to thank him later", she whispered in his ear and Fred tried his best not to laugh out loud because she probably didn't know how young he actually was._

_They danced for a little while before she turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck. He really hoped that she wasn't going to kiss him... she wouldn't be his first kiss but her breath didn't smell so pleasant._

_"Do you want to follow me to one of the private rooms?" asked she and he couldn't hold back his laughter anymore. She looked at him confused and a little hurt. _

_"Sorry, but I'm not interested", answered Fred and she pouted. _

_"Why not?" _

_Fred was sure that his next line would make her hit him and run away but it would be worth it. Pranking was funny. _

_"I'm eleven. I'm not even supposed to be here". _

_To his surprise, she only shrugged and leaned in closer. "Don't worry babe... I may be old enough to be your mom but I have fucked boys who were younger". _

_Was that supposed to turn him on? Because it only made him feel disgusted. _

_"Get away from me", said he and pushed her away. _

_She glared at him and put her hands on her hips. "What's wrong with you?" _

_"What's wrong with you!? You're a bloody pedophile!" _

_"I'm a woman", answered she and took a step closer. "No one would fucking care! Aren't young boys supposed to love when hot women are all over them? Are you gay or something?" Fred raised an eyebrow. _

_"I don't think I'm gay, my classmate Angelina's beautiful, but I think it's a little too early for me to label myself, right?" asked Fred. _

_He was a pretty open person but he didn't think that he would turn completely gay... women were just so much hotter! _

_"What does this Angelina girl have that I don't?" _

_"She's not old... but, she's just a friend". _

_"Fuck you", said she and turned around before she disappeared in the crowd. Fred scratched his neck. Maybe he should just tell the next one that he was gay. Sounded much easier than talking too much with desperate women like her._

_Saying that he was gay wasn't a great idea because the next person came from behind... is this how girls felt like every time they're going out like this? Fred was sure that he would never go out if he was a girl... men were disgusting. _

_He managed to escape the man's grasp and fled to the bar and ordered another drink to calm his nerves (the bartender assured him that Loré was paying). Fred wished that he looked more "manly" so everyone wouldn't assume that he was either a pushover or a pornstar gay bottom! (the man whispered some nasty things to him). Maybe he would enjoy this kind of things when he got older? It would be hilarious to see George's reaction first time they enter a muggle bar... George. This would be much more fun if he was here as well... but Loré had been a better friend than him lately... maybe he should go and see what Loré was doing. Wasn't he supposed to show Fred something?_

_A lot of giggles snapped him out of his thoughts. Four girls that were MUCH taller than him (thanks to their feet killing high heels) almost pinned him to the wall behind him. _

_"Ehm... hi?" said he awkwardly but they just continued to giggle. _

_"Do you want to have some fun?" asked one of them and held out a drink in front of him. No way he trusted them. _

_"I have fun enough on my own", said Fred and rolled his eyes but they wouldn't let him off the hook. _

_"Don't be a mood killer", said the girl holding the drink. At least two of them had to be over 30!... and the other two older than that! _

_"It's actually YOU that are killing MY mood", answered Fred like the sassy guy the drinks made him to be. _

_"This will make you feel better", said... one of them. _

_Before Fred could react, two of them grabbed his shoulders, one forced his mouth open and another forced him to drink from the glass. The liquid didn't burn as much as the other drinks he had before but it tasted much like that cleaning potion that mom used to clean wounds with. WAS THIS POISON!? _

_"How are you feeling?" asked grandma from next to him and the girls started to touch him everywhere. Nope, they just drugged him... he was not dying... but... NOW THEY'RE MOLESTING HIM!? If this happens to girls all the time then he was never letting Ginny go outside without at least a fake mustache from now on! _

_"Relax, hun", whispered one of them and Fred thankfully remembered what Loré told him before. _

_"I'm Loré's", said he (that was an awkward thing to say) and their hands stopped moving._

_ "What did you say?" _

_"I'm Fathi Loré's gay boy!" Okey, that wasn't what he was supposed to say but he was high as fuck and it sounded more believable. They quickly removed their hands and took a few steps back._

_"What!?" _

_"I know he likes younger ones but... ". Was she really the one to judge? _

_"You heard me", said Fred and started to back away towards the stairs. He would probably laugh at this later, but now wasn't the time. "And he's probably waiting for me.. ". He turned around and quickly disappeared down the staircase._

_It was dark and the last steps were slippery so Fred fell down to the ground. He hit his head, but not too badly. He really wanted to leave this place as soon as possible. _

_"Fathi!" called he and stood up. Everything was a little foggy and some colors stood out more than others."Fathi! Some old perverted grandmas drugged me!" Maybe he shouldn't have yelled that out loud if there were more perverted people around him. _

_He traced his hands over the closest wall until he thought that he found a door. He pressed his ear on it but jumped in surprise when he heard a scream from the other side. A scream full of pain. His heart started to beat faster and faster. What the bloody hell was happening!? Were Fathi in trouble!? Fred debated if he should kick the door in or find help. The latter option sounded more smart because he didn't have his wand with him. _

_But before he could act, a wave of dizziness made him fall forward through the door and onto the ground. The door wasn't closed. He groaned and looked up. The room was small but well furnished. It was in different shades of yellow, beige and brown and looked quite fancy. He felt relieved when he saw Loré. The older man had his back towards Fred but seemed unharmed. Fred was about to call out to him but froze when he saw the bloodied body in front of his feet. What the fuck? What happened!? _

_"One word about him and you won't be the only one begging for whatever painful death I can give you. As long as it's death, right?" said Loré to the man on the ground and Fred had never felt so afraid or confused before. The man on the ground raised himself a few inches off the ground with the help of his shaking arms. _

_"Why are you still standing up for that man?" asked he and coughed up blood on the ground. "He did terrible things, to you as well, and now he's just another one of your dead corpses". _

_"I never killed my uncle", said Loré and Fred swore that he rolled his eyes. "I loved him like a father. A bitch killed him". _

_"That's what you get for hitting whores", said the man on the floor and laughed. "And I meant one of the corpses who follows you when you're awake and tear your soul out when you're asleep. Like a father? Kind of a fucked up relationship between a father and a son, isn't it?" Before Fred could blink, Loré pointed his wand at the man, murmured a spell and the man's arms bent in an unnatural angle. He screamed out in pain and landed on is already broken nose. _

_"Are you really the one to talk?" asked Loré with an emotionless and cold voice. "I heard that your wife's pregnant, does she know about the little girl?" The man yelled something but it couldn't be heard because his face was right on the floor. "If I remember correctly", said Loré while tapping his fingers on his wand. "You were pretty close to your cousin, right? Just like brothers... why did you then impregnate his daughter?" Fred heard the man on the floor starting to sob. "She was only 13, I believe... you loved her, she admired you... you drugged her and you drugged yourself so you could live with yourself afterwards... but you both remembered everything and she became pregnant". _

_"I didn't mean for that to happen!" cried the man and tried to crawl away with only his knees working. "I was depressed, suicidal and felt like I didn't have anything to lose! I-I'm not trying to blame something else for MY mistakes b-but that was ages ago!" Loré took a few steps closer to the man and grabbed his arms before twisting them so much that the bones pierced through the skin. The blood curdling scream made Fred curl into a ball while shaking. He tried to tell himself over and over that this was just the drug playing tricks on him but he had never felt more awake than he did at that moment. _

_"Things go down when you let your own emotions take over your actions", said Loré through clenched teeth and tied the man's arms around his back. The blood was gushing out and the screams sounded like it was piercing the man's throat like tiny knives. "Don't panic little worthless man". Loré smiled a motherly smile and tied the knot harder. "Remember what happened last time you really panicked". The man screamed something but all Fred could hear was a disgusting gurgling noise thanks to all the blood pouring out of his mouth. "Or do you want me to remind you of HOW your cousin's daughter LOST your child?" _

_The man screamed once again and yelled something that sounded a lot like: "No, no, no no, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry". Loré sat down on his knees next to him and grabbed his hair. _

_"Maybe I should warn your new girl about what can happen when you panic!" The way Loré raised his voice made Fred crawl backwards into the closest corner. Tears fell down from his eyes, tears of fear, and it felt like his voice had left his body. "I may have a lot of corpses following me around, raping my soul... but your corpses have the loudest voices, right? A little 13 year old girl and her baby... why did you kill us? Why did you kill us? Why did you... ". _

_"STOP IT!" screamed the man and Fred yelped in fear. _

_"Don't worry sweetie... someone else might get the chance to take your baby away this time! If your girl's not behaving that is". Before the man could answer Loré stood up and pointed his wand at the man once again but it wasn't the killing curse like Fred had expected... this was so much worse. Every bone in the man's body twisted themselves even after they had pierced through the skin. Blood splattered everywhere, some even got on Fred's shoes. It was then his voice finally came out and he screamed... oh he really screamed. Loré jumped in surprise and turned around with his wand ready for an attack. The second between Loré turning around and then him realizing who was in the corner pierced Fred through his soul. The glare, glare of a maniac, looked at him behind a mask of a monster. Loré's eyes became softer when he saw that it was Fred but the next thing he said both surprised Fred and scared him at the same time. _

_"Oh it's just you, Fred. I was just about to go and get you". Loré took a step to the right so Fred could directly look at the mutated corps in the middle of the room. "Being creative have always been a good way of expressing your emotions... but I got tired of pens, papers, clay, whatever you can use! Human bodies doesn't just work as something you can shape after your darkest imaginations... it also works as a punching bag... that bleeds". Fred started to shake more violent and he tried to claw his way through the wall behind him. "But I guess it's better to slash others instead of yourself, right?... stop that, don't make yourself bleed", said Loré concerned and knelt down before grabbing Fred's hands that had been attacking the wall violently. Fred started to scream in fear but Loré covered his mouth and hushed him like he was a baby. "It's okey, Fred. I reacted almost the same way when my uncle showed me his art... I'm nowhere as talented as he was". _

_Fred felt his body turn to stone as Loré picked him up like he was nothing. "You're drugged", stated Loré with a voice full of malice. "Don't worry, I'll get them back for what they did to you". Fred was just about to beg him not to because he had a strong feeling about what Loré would do to them but the full power of the drugged drink from before hit him and he fell asleep._

The first thing Fred did when he came back to the present was screaming. He screamed and screamed while tugging his hair. He fell down to the ground as he vomited all over it.

"Oh shit!" exclaimed Jack and knelt down beside him and started stroking his back. "This memory must've really been a hard one".

Coliette looked at Fred with interest. Finally a memory of importance. Abe also sat down next to Fred and wiped away the younger boy's tears.

"It's alright, Weasley. It's over, it happened years ago. He can't hurt you now", Abe tried to calm Fred down but it didn't do much.

Fred felt betrayed, disgusted, afraid and a lot of other feelings that he couldn't identify. _"How could he do this!? Why did he ki... ki... why, why, why!?" _

He curled himself into a ball when his stomach was finally empty. It was probably a quite disgusting sight; him crying like a baby in his own vomit, but he couldn't care at the moment. He actually wished that the vomit would turn into a deep puddle that could swallow him whole and let him drown with his painful memories.

"We have finally found something of use!" exclaimed Coliette and stood up. "We'll be done soon, child! Only one more session... ".

"NO!" yelled Fred and shook his head violently enough to make it fall off."I-I don't w-want to kn-know more! P-please don't make me!" Begged he and Jack hugged him tightly despite how disgusting he was at the moment; drenched in tears and his own insides.

Coliette looked at him, sympathetically, and sighed. "I'm sorry but we have to continue".

"B-but th-this is proof e-enough! He did... ".

"We need to have as much proof as we can get our hands on", said Coliette, clearly sad about hurting Fred. "Plus, if nothing happened on your seventh session... don't look at me like that, I would never force you into this if I didn't have another choice but... you want him to get punished, right?" Fred sobbed and nodded. "Then I'm sorry, but we have to continue... one last time, alright love?" She had never looked so caring before. Despite the voice in his head screaming at him and his feelings choking him, he nodded. Abe and Jack helped him up because he felt way too weak to stand up by himself.

"Let's get you cleaned up... and you'll probably need to rest".

**_"Guess who's gonna have nightmares tonight!"_**


	9. Chapter 9

_"He was my friend, why?" _

**_"You could've told them. You could've told them about what he had done. You wouldn't sit here crying if you had told them!" _**

Fred grasped his hair and yanked it. _"SHUT UP! Please, stop!" _

**_"You don't deserve silence! You're a coward! You saw him murder someone and you didn't report him?" _**

_"I don't know why... I was eleven at the time! I was a kid... ". _

**_"You're STILL a kid and you'll ALWAYS be a kid". _**

_"S-stop". _

**_"How many more will die until you'll stop shivering in a corner!?" _**

_"I'm begging you, stop it!". _

**_"Why are you crying Freddie? You don't deserve pity, not even from yourself!" _**

Fred wiped violently away his tears that couldn't stop falling. He knew that he didn't deserve to feel sorry for himself but he just. couldn't. stop. the. tears.

**_"You saw what he did years ago and shut up about it? How many people have he been hurting, no KILLING since that? You selfish brat! You're responsible for maybe hundreds of people's deaths!" _ **

_"Please... ". _

**_"YOU ARE A MONSTER! JUST LIKE HIM!" _**

"NO!"

"Fred? Is that you?"

Fred snapped out of his thoughts and it took him a few minutes to remember where he was. He was in a bathroom stall; a place he had been escaping to lately every time his mind decided to really space out and fuck him up. Not the most comfortable place in the world, but better than nothing.

"I'm pretty sure that I heard your _angelic _voice from here, Fred".

It felt like he snapped out of a second bubble when he heard the voice again and he winced at the sudden pain on his upper arm. Did he accidentally get hurt before coming here? One quick look at his arm and no, it wasn't on accident. He yelped and retrieved his now blood covered nails from the small holes in his skin. "Bloody hell!?" He pushed the door open and ran to the closest sink. He quickly washed away the blood from underneath his nails before starting to attend his tiny, but pouring, wound. _"Shit, shit, shit, shit! What did I do? Was it you?" _

**_"No, everything that happens with your body is all you, buddy. It feels good, doesn't it?" _**

"There you-AH come one!" Fred turned around and his eyes widened when they landed on George. The younger twin looked irritated and had his arms crossed over his chest.

Fred started to panic but tried to keep his cool. "What is it George?" asked he nonchalantly and George scoffed.

"You got into another accident, didn't you? Where did all your luck go?" Fred was relieved that George thought it was an accident... but, should he tell him?

**_"No! It's YOUR problem so YOU deal with it, you whiny baby. Besides, he would've noticed if he cared". _**

It felt like the pain in his throat was the truth that he was trying to swallow. "I don't know where it went", said Fred and faked a smile. George was far too focused on Fred's arm to notice how fake it really was. "Maybe you stole it? I see no wounds on you".

"Maaaybe", said George with a wink before picking something up from his pocket. It was a bandage. "Pomfrey gave me this after last time, in case this kind of thing would happen again", explained he and wrapped it, not too tightly, around Fred's wound. "She have lost faith in your flexibility as well".

"How reassuring", murmured Fred sarcastically.

"It's your fault for not being careful", snickered George while the twins left the bathroom.

Fred was still shaken up about his arm. Why did he do that?

"Have you been hiding out here all this time?" asked George, clearly amused but also confused.

"Yeah. The lesson wasn't worth it", lied Fred.

"Trying to be a bad boy?" asked George and laughed.

_"No, I don't want you to laugh at me or look down on me"._

"Isn't that what the ladies like?" joked Fred back.

* * *

"Your hands are shaking", stated Jack and Fred looked down at them. His hands were trying to shake off his anxiety, it seemed. The need to see his last lost memory was just as great as his fears.

**_"Come on. How much more fucked up in the head more can you possibly get?" _**

"I really wish that we didn't have to send you back in", said Jack sadly and squeezed Fred's shoulder.

Fred looked up at him. "Please just get it over with... I saw a man die in a horrible way... is there even something worse for me to see?" said he with a voice so empty that it made Jack wince. He felt guilty, like he and his colleges were dragging the boy's soul slowly out of his body every session.

The hand on Fred's shoulder slipped off and Jack took a few steps closer to Abe. Fred could hear him whisper: "Was this really worth it?" which Abe replied "I hope so" to before the scenario around him changed once again.

_Instead of waking up in his own bed, like Fred had expected, he woke up in a bed he had never seen before. His head hurt and his eyes were dry and itchy like he had been crying... oh, that's right. _

_"Don't panic, Fred", he said to himself over and over while slowly sitting up. The room was really small but clean. It also looked really cozy... and it would've felt like it as well if it didn't belong to that monster. The incident felt surreal like a distant dream, but Fred new better._

_The door opened and Fred fell off the bed in surprise. Loré stepped into the room, looking confused as why his favorite student/patient was laying on the ground. _

_"Did you fall?" asked he and laughed. "I have done that a couple of times myself, Dumbledore gave me a pretty tiny bed". Fred didn't understand, why did he act like nothing was wrong? This guy was a maniac. _

_Loré stopped laughing when he noticed Fred's alarmed expression and tense posture. "Are you having a hangover?" snickered he after a few seconds of silence. "You drink a lot for an eleven year old". He pretty much confirmed that yesterday wasn't a dream!? _

_Fred suddenly felt dizzy and threw up on the floor next to him. _

_"Oh, poor boy", said Loré and knelt down to Fred's level. Fred of course panicked and crawled backwards so fast that he stumbled over his own hands. The concern in Loré's eyes made him almost throw up again. The older male used magic to clean up the floor before crawling towards Fred who backed into the corner. Unfortunately, he was now trapped. _

_"What's wrong Fred?" asked Loré and raised an eyebrow. "The drug should be out of your system. It's me, Fathi". _

_It was quiet for like a minute before Fred burst out laughing. It was not a happy laugh, but a laugh of a man who was losing it. _

_"Oh believe me, I KNOW who you are", said he with a crooked smile. "I have actually _just _seen who you _actually _are!" Loré touched Fred's shoulders and the smile disappeared from the younger male's face. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" Fred removed Loré's hands from his shoulder but Loré just grabbed both of his shoulders again. Hard. _

_"You seems to be in some kind of after shock". _

_"WOW! _How _could that be!?" yelled Fred with a voice full of sarcasm. "It's not like I saw you KILL someone, right?... oh wait, I DID see you kill someone!" Fred didn't care about the consequences of his words. _

_Loré didn't even flinch. "Oh, so it's just that's what this is all about?" _

_Fred looked up at him in disbelief. "Just? You KILLED him!" _

_"I had to sacrifice someone for the sake of art. I thought you would understand... maybe you need more time?" _

_"What is there to understand!? You're insane!" _

_That was apparently the wrong thing to say because Loré's face got dark. Before Fred had time to react, the older male raised his hand and hit him several times across the face while the other hand kept him in place. Fred yelled at him to stop but he didn't stop until Fred's face became numb. Loré grabbed Fred's hair and forced him to stand up. He tried to free himself but it only made Loré tug his hair harder. _

_"Don't call people insane, Fred", said he through clenched teeth. "It's not nice". _

_He let go off the younger boy's hair and turned his back towards him. Fred slided down the wall while trying to hold back his tears and Loré took a few steps away from him._

_After a few minutes of awkward silence, Loré turned around again and looked at Fred with the same expression as he always wore before this mess. _

_"If you want to go, you better do it quickly", said he, but it sounded more like a threat. Unfortunately, Fred was far too scared to move. His mind was screaming at him to stand up and run away to safety, but his body was frozen in place._

_Loré looked down at Fred for a few minutes while Fred tried to calm down his beating heart before locking the bedroom door. He also threw a curse over the room, probably so no one could hear them. Fred knew that he was going to die. _

_"It makes me sad that you don't understand my art", said Loré and knelt down in front of Fred. "Your opinion is very important to me". _

_He caressed Fred's cheek before pulling out a knife from his pocket. For a second Fred thought that he was going to stab him but instead Loré lifted his other hand in front of his face and placed the sharp edge of the knife on his already scarred wrist. Not hard enough to actually draw blood. The instinct to just grab the knife and throw it away was almost enough to make Fred move but he was still far too scared. Why did he want to save the man? Why? _

_"I learned from last time... how to end it through this way I mean", whispered he with eyes drilling into Fred's. "I failed last time because I just wanted some attention, but now I don't mind if I die. So tell me Frederick... should I put. a. little. more. pressure?" The knife cut through only the first layers of skin so a few drops of blood fell down into his lap. _

_Before Fred could help it, he yelled "No!" in a whimper and forcefully removed the knife from the older man's hand before throwing it away. The man smiled while Fred started shaking. He just had another person's life in his hands, a horrible person no less. There was no winning in that situation. He would've hated himself for letting Loré die but now he hated himself for letting him live... he also hated himself for even thinking like that. _

_"Do you know what this means?" asked Loré and licked the blood off his slowly bleeding wrist. "Your feelings about me beat your opinion of my actions. That's why you didn't leave... I'm far too important to you". _

_Fred felt disgusted with himself because it was true. Loré was his friend, even though he was a murderer. Loré grabbed Fred's chin and forced him to look up at him. _

_"I see so much of myself in you... it's almost like looking in a mirror". _

_That sentence snapped Fred out of his ice cold trance. "I. Am. _**_Not_ **_. Like. You", growled he, but Loré's expression didn't change and instead he started massaging Fred's chin with his thumb. _

_"Maybe not now... I'm not sure if I would've liked you as much if you was". Next thing the man did surprised Fred, more than anything ever had. Loré had closed the distance between them and pressed his lips on Fred's. Once again, Fred turned into a statue. He felt sick to his stomach, but far too afraid and surprised to move. _

_Kissing a male had never really been on Fred's list, especially not someone probably twice his age. Randomly kissing a dude at a party when he turned sixteen was expected because of alcohol (please God let it be someone I know well, like Lee) but this only made him feel dirty. Obviously not because it was a male, but because it was fully against his will._

_The willpower finally returned to Fred; he used all of his strength to push the older male away. Normally an eleven years old wouldn't be able to do that, but Loré wasn't expecting it and fell backwards and hit his head on the floor. Fred stood up, wiped his mouth hard enough to rip his lips open and ran to the door. A door that he knew was locked, but he had to try. _

_"You should've left while I gave you the chance", said Loré with an emotionless voice and stood up. "Life doesn't give second chances... it's time that you know that". _

_Slowly, Fred turned around to face him, but could only see the face of a maniac. "You gave me a second chance when I starved myself", said he in a quiet voice that clearly showed how betrayed he felt._

_Loré turned around with a scary smile. "Correction, you THOUGHT I gave you a second chance... just like I thought you would give me a second chance". _

_"A-a second chance t-to what?" stuttered Fred, suddenly feeling very tired. The other man seemed to be tired as well but pulled up a bottle of something from his pocket. He took a sip and the tiredness disappeared from his face and he put the bottle back in his pocket. _

_"Isn't it obvious, dear Fredrick?" Loré pointed his wand at Fred and Fred felt some sort of force drag him (painfully) over the floor and into the arms of his predator. "A second chance at love of course... all those jokes... I guess they had some truth behind them". _

_"Let me go!" screamed Fred and tried to struggle out of his grasp._

_Fred became more and more tired until he was unable to struggle anymore. Even the voice in his head got less loud but Fred couldn't make out what the voice was saying. Loré let go of him and he fell into a limp heap on the floor. _

_"I knew you would reject me", said Loré and walked over to his desk. "I remembered that second chances don't exist when I saw you fall asleep or when I later slaughtered those people who tried to take you away from me". _

_The word slaughtered made Fred almost cry. Because of Fred... everyone who had touched him, either by accident or on purpose, would never be able to party ever again. The blood were on his hands. _

_"Are you seriously feeling bad for them?" asked Loré and raised an eyebrow. "They. deserved. PAIN!" yelled he and threw his chair across the room, scaring Fred even more. "They weren't even good enough for art... another kind of ugly than me... and you... our kind of ugly can be beautiful... I hope you can shape me one day but today... you'll be my masterpiece". _

_"NO!" yelled Fred with tears building up in his eyes because had seen what Loré's _**_art _**_really was. With the last of Fred's powers he tried to crawl towards the door, stumbling over his own dead limbs. The voice was screaming something and _laughed _but Fred couldn't understand what he was saying at the moment. The closer Fred approached to the door, the more drained he felt. It felt like he was surrounded by darkness that tried to swallow him and the only saving light was the door. But he couldn't reach it._

_He wasn't strong enough so his limbs gave up on him and his face hit the ground; wide awake, but in a state worse than death. Like his body died while his mind was still alive_

_."I used a special lip balm today", Said Loré and loosened up his tie. "It's not dangerous and I have the cure if needed... people just tend to learn easier when they're quiet". Fred felt the vibrations in the ground as Loré walked towards him. "Not like you'll remember this lesson for long". _

_"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!... !"_

"NO! NO! NO! NO!"

"Fred! Calm down!" But Fred only kept on yelling.

Fred's eyes were glossy so the others couldn't tell if he really was back or not. His whole body started to shake and tense up like he was electrocuted by some muggle device. His breathing didn't sound good; almost sounded like he was choking.

"Lay him on the side in case he faints and throws up!" cried Coliette out and the men grabbed Fred's shoulders and forced him down on the floor so the possibility of him choking reduced.

"Abe! Get help!" yelled Jack while trying to keep Fred from clawing at his skin. Abe nodded and ran off.

Suddenly, Fred stopped moving and for a moment the remaining people in the room feared for the worst. Then he flew up from the ground and ran away from the room.

"Fred!"

"WEASLEY!"

Fred heard them call after him, but he refused to go to the hospital wing again. Madam Pomfrey couldn't heal him from this. Nothing could. This wasn't just a bleeding wound or a broken bone... it couldn't be healed with magic.

He ran until he found an empty classroom. He barricaded the door, hid under a table, curled into a ball and started to cry. He cried so hard that he couldn't breathe and his chest was hurting like his heart was hammering on his ribs; splitting the organ open and breaking the bones. He didn't want to think or feel. _"_

_Can't that loud heart just stop for a second and let me take one painless breath!?" _

Those nightmares he had been having, it had all been about Loré. The monster of a man, tormenting him even before he got his lost memories back.

**_"Stop crying you pathetic child. You can't cry the pain away, life won't cuddle you forever. If you want the pain to go away, take. the. pain. away". _**

Fred sobbed and nodded. He pulled his sleeve up and removed the bandage. It had almost healed.

**_"Take. the. pain. away". _**

Fred dug his nails in the almost healing flesh and dragged his nails until he reached the end of his knuckles. He did it again and again and again and again and…

The voice suddenly got silent and it threw the boy off guard. When was the last time everything really was silent? His blood stained his hand and made a small puddle on the floor but he didn't care. The pain in his hand made breathing easier. Like he was distracting the emotional pain. _"This self-medication works better than any potion". _Fred closed his wounded hand and dug his nails in the palm of his hand. _"I can't depend on others with my pain. I will carry this burden alone"._


	10. Chapter 10

**_*A few years later*_**

Hermione's intelligence could be debated in her opinion even though the matter seemed much more clear for everyone else. If anyone would get the question: _"Is Hermione smart?" _at least 99,99 percent would without a doubt answer yes. Hermione would of course answer yes in a heartbeat but it wouldn't feel true to her.

When you're really good at something, it's a big possibility that everyone won't see anything, but the thing you're good at. But the one possessing the talent is most likely to see everything that they're not that good at and even focus far too much on those things. You see, her brain was all Hermione had but even that was flawed.

She didn't have many friends while growing up. Everyone around her felt stupid compared to her and mocked her because of that to feel better. But in her opinion; the stupid one was her. Books can teach you everything, well everything but how to be a fellow human being. No one ever taught her how to hold a conversation made out of nothing, how to follow rules (social rules) that aren't written down on paper or how to make friends with people without accidentally insulting them. To say at least, she was socially stupid no matter what everyone said. It was a miracle that she even got friends, two outcasts yes, but friends nevertheless. Ron and Harry made her feel less stupid and more like she actually belonged, but deeper problems surfaced when she got older.

When she was younger, she thought it was kind of ridiculous to be obsessed over something as shallow as your looks, but the older she got the more it all made sense to her. If you're not religious then you know for a fact that the human race is a virus whose only purpose is to populate the earth. Even though the need to just create more life and keep them alive died out long ago because of equality and new possibilities but it's still something that will always follow the human race like a never dying gene. Is it really that weird for Hermione to want to look good enough for anyone to want to making a future generation with? Probably not, knowing human history... at least the muggle version. She blamed that need for her new obsession with how she looked, it's after all what the norms were based on, weren't they? Sometimes she felt like people who couldn't/didn't want to have children where the only ones truly free... but then she remembered about that lesbian couple who her mom befriended a few years ago and how they were shunned for not being able to create their own offsprings... yeah, they were probably mostly shunned for "more noticeable" things but that's at least a problem. You. Can't. Escape.

"Wouldn't it be amazing?" Ron's voice snapped her out of her thoughts.

He had that stupid and kind of funny expression again, that one mostly stoned people had (but she had already made sure a hundred times before that he didn't touch any drugs). He was lucky that he was so cute though.

"What would be amazing?" asked she and looked at Harry for some kind of answer.

Needless to say, he had no clue of what was going on either. Ron didn't look very happy about that fact, but he just shrugged it of.

"Being a part of the triwizard tournament, of course". Hermione and Harry sighed in unison. Of course Ron was talking about that, he hadn't shut up about it since the announcement.

Hermione opened her mouth to say something but Harry beat her to it. "You should know by now that neither me or Hermione's as excited for long lived fame and broken bones as you are".

"Yeah. Harry have enough of that and I think it's stupid", agreed Hermione but Ron ignored them.

"You just see the negative parts... ".

"But if you're really desperate, you can just try that lovely potion Fred and George made", joked Harry with a smirk. "It may work better on you and you'll get a awesome beard that you can use to compete against Dumbledore with!"

"Oh sod off", mumbled Ron and threw his shoe at the shorter boy who dodged right on time. Hermione couldn't help but smile a little at her friends. She loved these little moments.

The door to the common room opened and in came two redheads and their squad.

"The twins have been de-bearded!" yelled Fred with his hands in the air and most of the people in the room started laughing.

"I have never seen a man being so happy about losing his facial hair before", commented Ginny from her and Neville's table.

"We're not worthy of the pre-teen santa beard yet", answered George sadly which made everyone laugh again.

"You should just give up on being men and start using bras", commented Lee and the twins nodded.

"Maybe you're right", said they in unison. "Ginny... ?"

"No you're not borrowing my bras!" snapped she and turned away from them.

"You're not borrowing mine either", said Angelina quickly, but a little amused.

Hermione hid her face in her book so they wouldn't see her smile. They knew how she felt about their antics. The last thing she wanted was for them to get the satisfaction of seeing her smile because of them.

"Don't worry boys!" called Harry over to them. "You can borrow mine!"

"Harry, you are... ", said Fred.

"... an amazing girlfriend", added George and Hermione couldn't hide her laugh this time. She managed to muffle it with her hand but the expression on the twins' faces told her that they had heard. They smirked and walked over to the trio before taking seats on each side of the bushy haired girl.

"So you don't... ".

"Find our humor too childish for once, Granger?"

"She's a girl", sneered Ron. "Bra jokes are probably fun for her. Don't bother her".

The twins' eyes turned to him. "Jealous that we're going to bite her before you get the chance?" asked Fred and Ron crossed his arms.

"Keep your demon fangs off of her", Ron answered.

"Does all Weasleys share the same bite-kink or what?" asked Lee but no one answered him.

The twins turned to look at Hermione again. "Answer us honestly, Granger", said Fred and George continued: "Who would look better in a bra? Me or Fred?"

The intense stare almost made Hermione burst out laughing again. She turned to look at Fred. "Sorry Fred but I have to say George... ". Everyone looked shocked at that she actually answered the question. "... Because even though I have never seen any of you without a shirt, I can still guess that George have... ".

"Bigger breasts?" asked George before bursting out laughing.

Hermione turned to him for a second. "Well, you do have more meat on you... your facial features aren't as sharp as Fred's".

George covered his heart with one hand and faked a hurt expression. "ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT!?" yelled he and Lee hugged him from behind and said in a fake loving voice: "It's only more to love, darling. Only more to love!"

"I'm starting to think that I'm the only man in our group", said... Angelina and George and Lee glared at her.

Hermione gave Fred a quick glance and was surprised to see that her answer seemed satisfying to him. She could relate though. As a girl, she loved when people called her thin after all.

Hermione had never really understood why most people had such a hard time telling the twins apart. Except for Fred possibly being thinner, he were also paler and always had dark circles around his eyes. Which was probably because of his insomnia (if he was still suffering from that) that was the cause. She hoped for his sake that his sleep had gotten better. How could nobody else have noticed these differences? He also had a different look on his face, like he ha da different warmth behind his eyes and smile. People didn't seem to notice that though. Maybe they weren't as observant as she was... yeah, that was probably the reason...

Hermione didn't really eat much for lunch, but it turned out to be a good idea because her stomach started to play funny games anyway as soon as Dumbledore called out Harry's name… while announcing the names of the triwizard champions. It was not expected, but it wasn't that much of a surprise either. Bad things tend to always happen to him for some reason.

* * *

The whole hall was silent and Harry became a statue. Despite not liking what was happening, Hermione encouraged Harry to go to the front of the room just like the other triwizard tournament champions before him had done. Everyone's eyes followed Harry and her heart ached for him. He must've felt naked and exposed. Ron didn't seem to share Hermione's concern. He actually looked quite betrayed. That wasn't really a surprise either; Ron really wanted to be a part of the tournament. She was pretty sure that Harry didn't plan for this to happen, but she wasn't sure if Ron thought that too.

"Does this mean no bra party?" whispered Fred and she smiled despite the situation.

"I am somehow not surprised", said Angelina and rested her head on her hand.

She was clearly a little upset that she didn't get in. Being a little older than the twins made her able to legally put her name in the goblet (no beard for her).

"Why not?" asked Dean.

"Because all the shitty things happens to that poor kid", answered Angelina and everyone agreed.

"Well... the triwizard tournament will become... ".

"...Even more interesting this year", said the twins but the worry for her friend only grew within her.

Ron still looked angry but she thought that he was at least a little worried deep down. Boys were raised in a way there anger always must come first so she was not judging him.

"Don't worry, Granger", said Fred and she looked at him.

"That boy is incredible", said George.

"He wouldn't die if you killed him... literally".

"Yeah, you-know-who proved that".

They smiled at her before turning around to talk with their own little group. Hermione didn't know why she felt so warm on the inside.

"Aren't you hungry?" asked Ron after a while when he noticed that she hadn't touched the food on her plate.

"No. It's all yours", said she before standing up and walking out of the room.

He wouldn't follow her, he would just eat her food. Feelings wasn't really something boys understood well so she used to wonder a lot why she wasn't born a lesbian. Where was Harry? She needed to talk to him about what happened, why he was chosen for this dangerous game? Dumbledore surely wouldn't let him participate, right?

A door she just passed opened and she jumped in surprise. "Stealing from me again, Granger?" asked Snape and stepped out of the room.

Hermione raised an eyebrow at him. "What are you talking about? I haven't taken anything from you".

"I have no idea about what you, Potter and Weasley have planned for this year but I'll keep my eyes on you". And with that, he disappeared back into the room. He left a very confused girl behind.


	11. Chapter 11

Sometimes Fred wondered if he was the only one who could never be truly alone. The only one who was followed by a voice trying to correct him. Giving him a headache, bad dreams and flashbacks. It sometimes felt like he was the only one. He would never be alone in the way he longed after. It was like an never ending nightmare.

**_"Stop the self-pity now. Aren't you supposed to meet up with George and the others to visit hogsmeade or something?" _**

_"Oh yeah, that's right. I don't want to go outside". _

**_"Buhuu. I told you to play sick. You're just going to ruin it for everyone". _**

_"I'm not that hopeless!"_

"Get up from bed you lazy cow". Fred opened his eyes and saw George looking down at him.

"The bed has chosen me", answered Fred and covered his face with the blanket. "I can't betray its trust".

_"Screw going outside". _

"Being tired makes you sound high", commented George.

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing. Get up. Now". Two hands shoved themselves under Fred's back and lifted upwards until Fred's face hit the ground.

"Nice going George", murmured Fred with his face still buried in the ground. "When you can't get your brother up from bed; give him amnesia... Great idea".

"Shut up, Fred", said George and started to roll his brother further away from the bed so he wouldn't be able to climb up on it again. "Euw, your clothes are so wet with sweat! Wear less to bed you bloody mummy!"

"But shouldn't you get your partner wet?" asked Fred which made George let go of him.

"I'm starting to think that you actually want to be a woman".

"Because of all the jokes? Ginny and Ron wouldn't have existed if I was born a woman". Because Mrs. Weasley wanted to try until she got a daughter.

"That's true", said George and scratched his cheek. He stood up and walked towards the door. "Hurry up, we're leaving in a few minutes. You'll have to wait and eat when we're there".

"Yippie", said Fred sarcastically as George left the room.

"Getting up in the morning gets more and more painful", groaned Fred and stood up. "Life keeps fucking me over".

**_"Stop complaining. You're a white, cis, hetero male who's getting good education, food on your plate, have a functional family and circle of friends. Enjoy your privilege, you spoiled brat. There's people starving, consider yourself lucky". _**

_"I'm sorry, I know I should be thankful". _Fred made sure that he was alone in the room. He quickly changed his clothes before leaving the bedroom.

* * *

It felt a little weird for Hermione; going to hogsmeade without Harry. He was one of her best friends after all, but he and Ron were still on a rocky road. She went with Ron because she had always had a weak spot for him. Hermione hoped that the feeling was mutual.

"Where do you want to go first?" asked Ron after a few minutes of silence.

Hermione looked away from the window and her eyes landed on the ginger in front of her. "I don't know, maybe we can get something to drink?"

"Sure", said Ron and smiled.

The train stopped and they left. Maybe this day wouldn't feel so weird after all?

She slipped as soon as she stepped outside of the train, but Ron grabbed her hand before she could fall to the ground. He didn't let go when they started to walk again. A day together might be more fun than she had expected.

"RONALD!"

she spoke too soon.

The pair turned around and saw the twins run towards them. The rest of their friends were a few feet behind them. Couldn't they just let them be for once?

"What do you want now?" asked Ron, irritated, and let go of Hermione's hand so the twins wouldn't use their hand holding against him. Having older brothers must suck.

"Can't we just say hi to our little brother?" asked Fred with a fake hurt expression.

"Why you _hate _us?" asked George and Hermione forced herself to not correct his grammar.

"Stop with the bullshit", said Ron and groaned.

"We just wanted to annoy you", answered Fred.

"That's our job", added George.

It started to rain so the twins ran away with their friends to find shelter. Ron shrugged before he and Hermione also started to look for shelter. There goes a good day.

They all hid underneath a roof that belonged to a little shop (that refused to let them in).

"I wish we got to know about the weather before hand", murmured Lee and Angelina started to knock hard on the glass door.

"Come on! Open up! We're wet and _freezing _to death!"

The owner scowled but let them in. "No touch furniture!" said the owner, she must've been from another country. "No touch! Watch stairs!" said she and walked to the cashier to clean the counter with a washcloth.

So this was some sort of jewelry shop? It looked scary as hell though.

"I barely understood her", confessed Angelina and wrapped her arms around herself.

"You think you're going to become sick?" asked Fred mockingly and she shrugged.

"I didn't know it would rain!"

"Aww want me to warm you up?" asked he jokingly and she giggled.

They liked to joke around like that because so many people thought they were a thing... they actually tried to date once without anyone (even George) knowing, but they decided that it would be for the best if they just stayed friends. They weren't sure if other people knew that they were just joking though.

"Yeah come and warm me up!" answered she and opened her arms wide, almost hitting Katie in the face.

Katie glared at her but burst out laughing. "You guys suck", said she.

Katie obviously knew that they were joking... and not only because she suspected that they both might be gay (long story).

Fred opened his arms just as ridiculously wide as her and walked towards her direction. "By the way, did the lady say something about sta-". Before Fred could finish his sentence, he felt the ground under his feet disappear. He grabbed something in the hope of preventing his fall, but whatever he was holding onto fell down the stairs with him.

He landed on his back and heard something snap. "Ow I think I broke my back".

"No, you broke the stairs!" answered another voice from the dark and turned on the light switch in the room on the lower floor. Hermione fucking Granger. The light from the lamp showed Fred that he, indeed, broke the stairs.

"Shitty stairs", answered Fred and slowly stood up. His back was at _least _covered in bruises.

"Yeah", answered Hermione and stood up as well. "Why did you grab me?"

"Believe me, I didn't intend to. I thought I grabbed something stable".

"I guess accidents happens", said she and started to look around.

The room was small and dusty. The lamp was very weak and old and broken furniture laid everywhere.

"Are you hurt?" asked Fred after a moment of silence.

Hermione turned to face him and smiled. "I'm alright, thanks for asking. Half my body landed on yours", answered she and Fred chuckled. "How are you?" asked she and Fred shrugged.

"My back still hurts but I don't think it's serious. I don't think I broke it like I thought before".

"Want me to take a look to be sure?".

"Oh Granger, eager to undress me now when your boyfriend's not here?" asked Fred and wiggled his eyebrows.

Hermione rolled her eyes and took a step closer to him, not noticing how he backed closer the wall. "First of all, I know that you're talking about Ron and he's NOT my boyfriend. Second of all, yes I'm 'eager to undress you' if it means that I can assure both of us that you're not seriously hurt".

Both turned quiet and Fred laughed nervously. "I didn't expect you to be so blunt about this", said he and Hermione blushed a little but he didn't see it.

"Am I embarrassing you, Fred?" asked she and smirked. "That's a first".

"I'm not embarrassed!" protested Fred. "It was just surprising for me to hear you say that... anyway, no need for you to look. There is nothing you can do about my back if it is broken anyway".

"True, I guess", said Hermione and looked up. "Why aren't they trying to talk to us?"

"We fell down like four staircases, Hermione. Give them time".

"FOUR!? I practically _landed _on you! How are you alive!?"

"I ask myself that everyday", whispered Fred but mentally slapped himself afterwards.

"Did you say something?"

"I said; people ask me that everyday".

"That's what you get for being reckless".

"I guess hehe... ".

"This isn't what I expected from today", Said Hermione and sighed.

"I would say that I'm sorry like I usually do when something bad happens... but, not even I can cause rain".

"You got a point for once", said Hermione when she couldn't come up with a way to blame the twins.

"For once?...Ouch Granger", said Fred and covered his heart with his right hand. "That hurt... right in the nipple apparently... unless there is where my heart is".

"You're so silly", said Hermione, but couldn't hold back a giggle. "But consider how weird you are... I wouldn't be surprised if your nipple was your heart... this is a disturbing topic, to say at least".

"For me it's kind of vanilla, I talk about worse stuff on a daily basis".

"Vanilla?"

"Never mind! You're too PURE and INNOCENT!" Hermione didn't know how to answer to that.

Suddenly, the look on Fred's face turned serious. "Why are you hanging around us?" asked Fred but, opened his mouth again before she could answer the confusing question. "I mean, we annoy the _hell_out of you and Ron's enough alike us to make you question your own opinions of murder. You could get friends from, for example Ravenclaw, so you are around people on the same level ,but yet you stick with us. Why?"

She didn't expect that question, at least not with such a serious expression.

Despite the awkwardness, she smiled at him. "There is never a boring moment... besides, you are like my second family by now".

Fred smiled back; a smile that was kind and not mischievous like usual. She didn't know why that made her feel weird.

"My mom will become totally bonkers if you don't become a Weasley", said Fred and laughed. "She's already planning Ron and yours wedding".

"Like everyone else... ", murmured Hermione.

"Did you say something?"

"No, nothing... ".

"Are you okay down there!?" They heard George yell from above.

"God!?" yelled Fred back while looking up. "Is that you, God!?"

"Yes my son", answered George with a lower voice.

"I said, watch stairs!" yelled the old lady whom Fred answered with: "You need new stairs! This stairs bad!" in a more bad version of the old lady's accent.

"Do not fear, my son!" assured George. "I will send my own son, Black Jesus, to come and get you!"

"Oh I'm gonna kick your ass after this George!" yelled Lee and Fred burst out laughing.

"Please come and save me, Black Jesus!" Lee's groan echoed in the room.

"Look what you have started, George! You are _so _dead!"

"Well... ", Hermione began. "This have been an interesting day... ".

"I agree", said Fred and chuckled. "Want to say something else un-Hermione-like thing before we have to return to the real world?"

"Un-Hermione-like?"

"Sorry, I meant: REAL-Hermione-like". Hermione looked at him like his head just disappeared.

"What is that supposed to mean?" asked she and crossed her arms (once again).

Fred looked away and scratched his neck. "Nothing more to say? Well, I have one last thing... ". He leaned in closer to her and her heart skipped a beat (wait, what?). "Please eat", whispered he and every vein in her body turned into ice. "_ Did he...? How could he possible... ?" _

But before she could open her mouth, a hand reached down and started to help Fred up. "Thank you Black Jesus!"

"Fuck you Fred!" yelled Lee and Fred disappeared up the hole quite quickly. "Are you coming Granger?" called Lee, but only one thought echoed in her head. _"How did he know!?"_

Lee picked up George and threw him over his shoulder as soon as they left the store. Inhuman force for someone who didn't like working out.

"What the hell man!" yelled George, but laughed like a maniac at the same time.

"What did I tell you inside the store!?" Fred laughed so hard that he almost fell down to his knees and Katie and Angelina covered their mouths.

"Put me down!"

"Not until I'm done with you!" yelled Lee and started to spank him.

"Stop whining! Be a man and take your punishment!" said Fred before bending over in laughter.

"What's _manly _about this!?" asked George while they started to walk with him still being carried.

"Are you okay Hermione?" asked Ron as the twins and their friends disappeared behind a corner. She nodded and it was nothing more with that. She couldn't stop thinking about what Fred said though._"Please eat"._


	12. Chapter 12

Hermione felt paranoid and transparent, but could you blame her? If someone as shallow and oblivious as _Fred Weasley _(one of the infamous pranksters) could discover her secret then the whole world must've known... okay, maybe that was too unbelievable (and mean towards Fred). People who cared about her hadn't confronted her about it and people that disliked her or just didnt't know her didn't either drown her in pity, stare at her like she was the most interesting thing in their boring life, or bully her for being so insecure. How did Fred then see what was happening with her? And _why _did he talk like he... like he _cared _about her. " _Please eat". _

It annoyed her too, the way he confronted her. "_ Please eat". _He made it sound so easy, like she was a spoiled kid who didn't eat to mess with her parents. " _Please eat". _It's not that easy to just start eating like she used to. Not after she had opened her eyes. " _Please... eat". _Hermione tied her fists as her blood boiled. Fred obviously thought that he knew more about this than her and that pissed her off more than the fact that he knew about her secret. She. had. to talk. to him.

Hermione stood up from her bed and got a little dizzy because of the low blood pressure, before leaving the room. She felt more tired nowadays and barely left her bed.

As expected, she found Fred in the common room, but what she wasn't expecting was for him to be alone. Something dark lingered around him but she couldn't figure out what it was... as far as she knew, it was her own darkness painted on him. That's what it must feel like when someone else get to know your dark secrets and issues. Some of your darkness spill over and torment someone else. Now she felt bad. Why did he have to know? Hermione would be lying if she didn't wish that reality would wipe the mischievous smirks off the twins' faces from time to time but not like this.

"Are you liking the view so much that you won't even hide it". The devil's voice broke her out of her thoughts.

"No... I was just thinking about something... ".

"And your eyes just _happened _to look at me?" asked Fred sarcastically with his trademark smirk.

"You're too full of yourself".

"Well no one else is full of me".

"Euw".

"Yeah, that came out the wrong way".

"Never talk again".

"Okey".

They just stared at each other in silence. "I think you know why I'm here talking to you", said Hermione and Fred sighed.

"I know the subject, but not the direction... I guess this is a threat for my silence".

Hermione crossed her arms. "Does anyone else know?"

"Not what I know of. I haven't told anyone, but I might not have been the only one to notice... I can't say for _certain _but I think I'm the only one", said he and gave her a reassuring smile.

"Oh thank god", said she and breathed out, relieved.

"I guess you still have some questions, Granger. Wanna get out of here so we can speak more privately?" suggested Fred and stood up. Hermione nodded and followed him out of the common room.

They went down the moving stairs and out of the castle. Fred lead her to a spot under the bleachers at the quidditch pit and they sat down next to each other on the slightly moist grass. No one said anything at first, the silence was tense but awkward.

"For how long have you known about me?"

"About your _eating disorder? _" Hermione flinched. "Since school started again", answered he and shrugged. "And honestly, for a smart person like you, you are really stupid for falling for something like that". '

She glared at him. "What are you on about?"

"You're stupid for starving yourself".

"Maybe I am, but it's complicated!"

"The human brain in general is complicated!" scoffed Fred and looked away from her. He was right even if it sounded pretty uneducated and insensitive. "Don't say that I don't understand what you're going through, Granger. You only know what you want to know about me", said he angrily and Hermione raised an eyebrow.

"What is that supposed to mean? No wait, I'm pretty sure you won't give me an straight answer".

"It's because this isn't about me, it's about you", said Fred and turned to look at her again. Hermione saw anger, irritation and also concern in his eyes. He did actually care. "I'm not here to make fun of you or use this against you any way. I have waited patiently for you to get help or at least tell the rest of the golden trio... or just Harry, Ron needs explaining and time and that should not be your first priority. Ron is a bit slow, concerning mental health, which is something you have to keep in mind if you're going for something more than friendship, but I know that he really cares about you". Hermione blushed and looked away. Fuck you for that Fred Weasley. "The point is that I want to help you".

Hermione turned her head to look at him so fast that her neck hurt. "I don't need your _pity _, Weasley. This has nothing to do with _you _".

"As someone who _cares _about you, it has everything to do with me. Do you know what lack of food does to your body? At first you gain weight faster because the body doesn't know when it will get food next time. Your bones will shatter easily, your hair will get worn out and eventually fall out, your gums gonna rot, your body will grow a lot of hair to keep you warm because without body fat you'll fucking freeze and a lot of other things gonna happen! Organ failure isn't out of the question either. If you continue with this, your brain will work less and less, your body will slowly shut down and you'll find yourself at fucking st. Mungo's in a bed dying with a pipe down your throat!"

The reality of his words hit her in the face like a huge rock. A picture showed up in her head, a picture of her in a bright white room on a bed covered in white sheets. Her skin was even paler than the sheets and hugged her bones tight enough to tear. Her cheeks were hollow, her eyes slightly open and empty and her brown lifeless hair stood out like a sore thumb. Her mouth was covered by some sort of mask that was helping her breathe and IVs was in her arms. Hermione wasn't alone in the room though. On her right side were her parents, crying in each other's arms and blaming themselves.

"Hermione? Are you there?" asked Fred and waved a hand in front of her face. She flinched but nodded, not trusting her own voice because of the lump in her throat. What have she done?

Fred noticed that something was off. He moved closer to her so their thighs were touching and then wrapped his arm around her shoulder. At first she tensed, but then (to his surprise) she leaned towards him and rested her head on his shoulder. He thought she was going to push him off.

"H-how... how d-do you know about all this?" asked she and Fred noticed how she was trying to hold back tears. Another time he would probably have made fun of her for that.

"Maybe a professional told me some time when I asked... maybe a friend of mine used to suffer from it... maybe I tried to help an ex who had it... or maybe I read it in a book", answered Fred with a smirk while rubbing her shoulder. "The answer is for me to know and you to guess".

"Come on Fred, give me more than that", begged she in a jokingly whiny way and he chuckled.

"I tell you what. I will tell you IF you let me help you AND if I see some improvement with your health". Fred let go of her and she suddenly felt more cold.

He stood up and wrapped his shirt tighter around his middle so she could see the outline of his stomach. "I know ways to lose weight in a more healthy way, that's why I'm decently skinny". He made a little ballerina twirl and she couldn't help but laugh.

"Fred Weasley's ballerina workout?" asked she and he made a pose.

"Fredricardo upskirt's guide to success! It gives you the legs of a swan!" answered he before sitting down next to her again.

"So the deal is that if you help me with my... my eating disorder... you're going to tell me how you know about this?" asked she.

"Believe me, the truth will shock you", said Fred and Hermione could sense some nerviosity in his voice and it made her more curious.

"Okay". She held out her pinky. Why not be a little silly?

"Pinky promise?"

"What is that?"

"It's a muggle thing. It's like the unbreakable oath... minus the dying. Wrap your pinky around mine".

Fred hooked his pinky around Hermione's hesitantly. "Okey, pinky promise", said he with a dorky smile.

Hermione heard Harry calling for her, but she continued to run. She couldn't stay in the dining room, not with Ron pestering her to eat a few slices of meat pie because it _"tasted like an orgasm in the mouth" _. Even though it made her uncomfortable enough to leave, she couldn't help but think what Fred would have answered in that situation. He would probably either make a joke about him being a virgin or asking him if he ever had given someone (most certain a boy) oral sex... and then he would start an uncomfortable discussion about sex. Bad Fred, bad.

* * *

"Hermione! Wait!" she heard Fred call from behind her. She stopped, far too dizzy and out of breath anyway.

"I can't do it, fred".

"I can see that... you're bending over with your hands on your knees while breathing like you've just been underwater", answered he cheekily and she glared at him.

"I didn't mean _running _, I mean... what do you got there?" Fred held a basket in his right hand.

He grinned. "Lunch, care to join me? I know you don't want to eat among too many people?"

She was just about to ask how he knew that until she realized that he would probably not tell her. Instead she smiled at him. "Yeah, i'd like that".

They walked together to a place on the grass where no one else was. "So Fredricardo, what have you packed for us?" asked Hermione in a jokingly manner, even if she felt slightly nervous.

Fred smiled at her and put down the basket on the grass. "Some things I personally like".

Hermione opened the basket and looked inside. "Are you a vegetarian?" asked she, amused, while preparing the blanket.

"Yep, for a little more than two years now", answered he proudly and stroke a superhero pose that made her roll her eyes.

"I thought all of you liked eating meat?"

"Meat's bad for you and it's pretty hard to consume once you start to think about that it used to be a living creature".

That actually sounded sweet. "That's so cute, Fred", said she with a smile and sat down on the blanket. "You're an animal lover like Charlie".

"Shut up!" exclaimed he with slightly red cheek. "Don't tell anybody! They'll never let me live it down... ".

"Don't your family know? You kind of live together... ".

"My parents? Yes because mom makes dinner and tells my dad everything. Bill? I think so, he always suggest the vegetarian option when we go out to eat. Charlie? Yeah he's kind of a vegetarian too but he occasionally eat fish. Percy? I don't know, not his job to know what his brothers eat. Same with George and Ginny. Ron's an oblivious fuck, he won't get something until someone spell it out to him and I've never straight up told him".

"You like talking shit about Ron, don't you? He's one of my best friends".

"But he makes it so easy! And I'm his older brother!" Protested he but she only shook her head. "Which remind me, Granger. Don't tell him that we're having dinner together. A jealous Ron is an insensitive Ron".

Hermione blushed and looked away. "I don't see how this would make him jealous... ".

"Come on! I may not be the hottest guy on earth, but every bloke who manage to ask you out to eat is a potential threat for him. Believe me, I know Ron and I know lads".

She sighed. "Yeah, sometimes it feels like Harry's even making him jealous-".

"But Harry is like your sister!" Silence. "Many people think that Harry's gay because he's not making a move on you, Hermione". Her eyes widened and she didn't know if she should have laughed or cried (of laughter). It also confused her a lot.

"Do people really think that Harry's gay?"

"Yes! It's kind of hilarious". Fred sat down next to her. "Many people also think that Ginny's a prostitute, Lee's from Mexico, I'm in a incestuous relationship with either George or Percy, that Draco and Harry will get married, that I'm dating Angelina, that Angelina's dating Katie, that Filch have sex with his cat, that Dumbledore is gay, that George had a threesome with Luna and Neville and that I secretly want to be a woman".

"Wait... you're not dating Angelina?" That one was actually something she had believed. They seemed so tight and perfect for each other... and they always made chocolate and vanilla jokes.

"I do those jokes with Lee as well", answered he with a grin and she blushed.

"Did I accidentally say that last part out loud?"

"Yes, you did. No, I'm not dating Angelina. She's like a sister, like a Harry to my Hermione".

"Please don't say that... Fredrica".

"NO! Not you too!"

After some friendly arguing, Fred started to unpack the food. There were some fruit salad, pasta salad, grilled cheese, sandwiches, pumpkin juice, beans and rice, tzatziki and blueberry muffins (that Hermione was sure Fred had taken without permission because she didn't see any muffins when she was in the great hall).

"I thought vegetarians only ate salad".

"You're funny", commented Fred and handed her a glass with pumpkin juice. "And before you're asking, I'm not going to tell you how many calories there is in the food".

"I wasn't going to ask that!" Damn he's good.

"The goal today is just to find something you like and take at least four spoons of it... you're looking at me like I'm asking you to eat it off my dick!"

"And now I'm looking at you like I want to kill you", she said with red cheeks. That sick pervert!

"Not much of a difference in the expressions... which should be a warning for the future... I better warn Ron!"

"Do it and I kill you here and now!"

"M' SARREH!"

"Somehow I don't believe it".

"Fair enough, let's start with something easy like tzatziki".

Hermione started to reach out for the yoghurt but withdrew her hand. Why did it feel like she was reaching for poison?

"Don't make me feed you like a baby, Granger!" threatened he, but she paid him no attention. All she could think of was how far she had fallen to not even be able to _touch _food. So pathetic.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a sudden warmth on her back. She looked back and saw Fred positioning himself with her between his legs and had her back pressed into his chest.

"Wh-what are you d-doing!?" stuttered she with her face only getting redder.

What was this feeling? Why did her heart beat so fast? Unbeknown to her, Fred had a similar experience. He regretted his actions but it was too late to turn back now.

"I'm preventing you from escaping", answered he, holding the container with tzatziki in one hand and a spoon in the other. "While I feed you like a mama bird!... minus the whole 'chewing before throwing up in your mouth thing', that would be a disgusting porno".

"D-don't say weird things while we are in this position!" yelled she but unconsciously leaned further into his chest.

"I'm trying to make the best of an awkward situation".

"That YOU put us in!"

"No need to get into details, Granger. The faster you comply, the faster I can move".

Hermione crossed her arms over her chest but sighed in defeat. He took a spoonful and held it in front of her mouth. She opened it and let him put it in her mouth. It didn't feel as humiliating as she had expected.

"How did it taste?" asked he next to her ear, his hot breath tickling her skin. What was going on?

"It's... it's... manageable". "That's good enough, three more spoons", said she and she answered with a groan. It actually tasted pretty good but she thought that he wouldn't make her eat more if she didn't love it... maybe he saw through it? He fed her another spoon.

"You know... ", he began. "This is kind of... ".

"Another sexual comment and I'll end you, Weasley!"

Even though she felt disgusting, she tasted everything Fred had brought. She especially disliked the pasta salad (Fred apologized for the olives and pickles), she had a real hard time consuming the grilled cheese but she surprisingly liked the beans with rice and actually ended up eating almost half of it (which saddened Fred in a way because he really wanted to eat it, but he was happy at the same time). There was much food left but she felt full and thanks to Fred lighting up the mood through it all, she actually didn't regret anything.

"Care to join me tomorrow at lunch as well?" asked Fred with a charming smirk and stood up. Both suddenly felt colder.

"As long as you don't mix olives with pickles, you sicko", answered she and started to help him with packing the picnic. It was sad that it had to end.

"I would have asked you for a playdate during breakfast as well, but your friends would have noticed if you're gone every time it's time to eat".

"Won't yours?" asked she and put the blanket in the basket.

Fred shrugged. "Sometimes my sleeping medications make me a little under the weather. It haven't happen in a while though, but they'll assume that's the reason".

"So you're still taking those?" asked she a little concerned, but he smiled and ruffled her already messy hair.

"Everyone have something that becomes your weight to carry. Insomnia is mine but I'll just have to deal with it. No big deal".

Fred picked up the basket. When had he become so... _wise? _"Shaaaall we return my lady?" asked he with a smirk.

"I'm going to be the death of you one day, Weasley". That was a promise.


	13. Chapter 13

**_-Few weeks later-_**

The first task of the triwizard tournament was over and Harry and Ron were FINALLY friends again! Or like Fred probably would've said: Ron finally managed to drag his fat head out of his arse. Yeah, Fred was a bad influence in a way.

A few times a week, he would bring some weird vegetarian food... and make her eat it (or more like feed her). He also made her run in the mornings as soon as he felt like she gained enough weight a an alternative way to lose weight instead of starvation and throwing up. Exhausting but, refreshing at the same time. She couldn't explain it but he made her feel weird, but not in a bad way. Feelings had never been something easy to understand for her. Not a big surprise though. It was something about him that made her feel... safe and not alone. He had seen her at her best, when her "brilliant" brain was on display... but he had also seen her at her worst.

_"Oh gosh no, Hermione... ". The voice brought tears to her eyes. Why did _**_he _**_have to see her? See her like _**_this_ **_? Her bent over a toilet bowl with her hair messy and greasy, with stomach acid running down her pale chin. _

_"Go a-away!" yelled she. Her voice cracked and it felt like someone poured icy water down the insides of her burned throat. He didn't leave and she was thankful for that. Being alone was the worst thing right now, she just yelled at him because she panicked. Fred knelt down next to her and wrapped his arms around her shaking shoulders. _

_"D-don't! You'll g-get di-dirty", but he didn't care about getting her breakfast on him, instead he hugged her closer. She sobbed loudly and wrapped her own arms around his waist with her face buried in his chest. "I-I'm sorry, I'm so sorry", whispered she but he hushed her and started to comb through her hair with his fingers. Fred discovered early that playing with her hair helped her relax. _

_"It's okay, it's okay Hermione. I'm not giving up on you and neither should you". Hermione looked up in his eyes. They were filled with sadness, determination, concern, anger... but also understanding and an emotion she couldn't identify. It was a miracle that she could see any emotions at all, her not being good at reading other people and all. _

_"How are you so strong?" asked she in a whisper. _

_"I'm not", whispered he back._

"Who are you going to take to the Yule ball?" she heard someone say to her friend in the distance.

Oh yeah, that overrated dance party that shame people who can't find someone to go with... okay, she really wanted to go and was actually thinking about asking Ron (big surprise), but she was also thinking about something else.

"What is wrong with me?" asked she out loud as she walked towards the common room by herself. "I thought I was hesitating because I'm nervous but that's not it, is it?"

_"It's because Ron would want to go as a friend and you know it would be much funnier to go with his older brother". Aaaaaah Shut up brain! _

She suspected that Fred's kindness towards her made her more attached to him. Fred wasn't an unattractive male, she could admit that, but he was one of her best friends' (and crush's) big brother. Wait, why was she trying to convince herself not to ask _Fred Weasley. _He was her _friend _, her third best friend, food coach, therapist, chair and ballerina (he called himself that). Wow, a guy shows that he's not a total douche and you start to think that you're falling for him.

A bad attempt at pronouncing her name snapper her out of her thoughts. At first Hermione thought that someone was poking fun at her but when she turned around to tell the person to go away, she was stunned when she saw that it was Viktor Krum. Why would a well known and popular guy like Viktor Krum want to talk to someone like _her? _He probably heard that she was smart and wanted to ask for a favor of some sort. Like with the next part of the wizard tournament or something to do with school? She would either just help Harry or stay out of it. But the second option made more sense. Many people asked her for help with homework.

"Yeah? Krum, was it?" asked she politely and her face heated up as he gave her a charming smile.

"Call me Viktor", said he and took her smaller hand in his. "Will you do me the honor of accompany me to the Yule Ball as my date?" The question threw her off. What!? What did just happen!?

"Emone?" asked he and waved the other hand in front of her face.

"Oh ah, pardon me Viktor but uhm... why did you ask me?"

"Why? Well because you're clever, a good person to your friends and you are the most beautiful girl I have seen for a long time".

Her cheeks became redder and her heart started to beat faster. I... I don't know what to say... ".

Why was she acting like a stupid teenage girl with a crush on a jock from one of those stupid movies? The reason to why she acted like that was probably because she wasn't prepared for something like this! He had never been such an interesting person to her before. Damn you surprises!

"I would like you to say yes if you are interested. I will leave you be if you say no a-".

The first impulse was to say no and thank for the offer but something within her felt very touched by the question. Besides Fred's right about Ron, he's so damn oblivious and would probably treat Hermione as a last option which would only hurt her more. Saying yes would not only make him jealous but also provide her with a fun time. Viktor seemed like a nice man, why not give him a chance?

"Yes! I mean... it would be fun to accompany you to the Ball", answered she with a smile and he grinned back at her and kissed her hand lightly before letting it go.

"That makes me really happy. I'll see you later", he winked at her and left. Hermione started to wonder if this really was a good idea.

* * *

Only first years were in the common room... perfect! Now Fred and George could lure some of them to try their products without anyone (cough, cough Hermione) interrupting them.

"It's days like these you somewhat actually like being in school", commented George and Fred chuckled.

"Yeah I know. Homework won't help us in the future. People like us are not made for old honest hard working in black and grey suits".

"Agree. brother dear. By the way, who are you gonna invite to the Yule Ball?" asked George. A dreaded question. A happy Fred would have loved going to a party but this was numb Fred's turn to shine and numb Fred wanted to be alone. Either way, he smirked.

"The whole thing is overrated. More of a fairy tale for a girl than a manly man like me. Sorry if I'm crushing your pretty princess dream, George".

"My dream's not crushed until my prince leaves me after accidentally making me pregnant on Ball night, Freddie", answered George which made his twin and some first years laugh. "And I think I know who you would ask... ".

"I swear to God if you say Lee or Oliver I'm... ".

"Why would I say their names?"

"Because... they are the two dudes beside you that I actually talk to".

"And?" asked George and raised an eyebrow. "You're not gay, are you?"

"No! it's just the text in the bathroom... ".

"What text?" asked George and Fred raised an eyebrow. Didn't George know?

"Someone wrote 'Fred is gay' on the wall in one of the bathrooms. I thought it was either you or Lee". George looked really confused. What the bloody hell?

"I have never seen anything written on the wall there, but that's kind of funny. You have to show me later!... unless you removed it of course".

"Oh believe me Georgie, I tried! But it won't go away! Must be some magic I'm not familiar with... stop laughing! It's not funny!"

"It's amazing!" exclaimed George and wiped away a tear from his eye.

_"Really? It's not worth laughing until you cry for!" _

**_"What would you know, crazy?" _**

_"I'm not crazy". _

**_"Then who am I?" _**

_"What does that have to do with anything?" _

**_"Who. am I. Fredrick? I'm surely not your friend... ". _**

_"You are my conscience. You're not supposed to be my friend". _

George stood up. "No George, I'm not going to show you", said Fred and crossed his arms over his chest. "Then I'll make a song about how gay you are". Fred sighed and stood up before leading him out of the common room. _"God damnit"._

Fred opened the bathroom door and entered before George. "It's over thee... ". But all Fred was pointing at was a blank wall.

"Over where?" asked George and looked around the room.

_"I don't understand... I saw it just before meeting up with George in the common room"._

"It seems like someone finally removed it", said Fred and dropped his hand. He tried to believe that himself.

"Aawww that's rubbish!" complained George with a childish voice before leaving the room.

Fred couldn't stop staring at the wall. A week of trying to remove it and it just removed itself? Well the prank on him was over. Now, who did it?

Shrugging, he turned away from the wall and was just about to leave the room when he heard a loud bang. He jumped in surprise and looked around in the room until his eyes stopped at the same wall as before.

**Fred is gay**

Fred groaned in frustration and kicked the wall. "Come on! This is just stupid and...". BANG! Another text showed up on the wall.

**Fred is a fucking fag**

Fred started to actually become afraid. He had nothing against people accusing him of being gay. He knew that he liked girls, he didn't have to prove it to anyone. They could think what they wanted, but the text had never been so harsh before? _"It's probably a homophobe who thinks I like lads. Better chasing me than someone who actually get hurt by this stuff". _BANG!

**Fred the dirty fag**

Chills spread through his body. It was an coincidence right? That the word "dirty" was used? Right? BANG!

**You are a fag Freddie!**

He looked around in violent turns with his heart beating a hole in his body. "Who's there! This is actually a messed up prank, but I'll give you an E for effort at least!" He tried to laugh but it only came out awkward and nervous. Don't be scared. Don't be scared. Don't-BANG! BANG!

**Filthy weak little faggot,**

**get buried, get eaten by maggots!**

All the letters turned red and started to drip slowly like blood to the floor. "Okey! It's enough! I'm scared! Okey!? Stop it! You got me!" BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

**Disgusting and worthless,**

**filthy and hopeless,**

**cut, cut, cutting to appease,**

**kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself please!**

Fred grabbed his hair and took a few steps backwards. Tears were running down his eyes. "STOP IT! STOP IT PLEASE! I'LL DO ANYTHING! I s-swear!" Four more loud bangs. Every one of them made him flinch and the blood from the letters splattered all over him.

**Disgusting and worthless,**

**filthy and hopeless,**

**cut, cut, cutting to appease,**

**kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself please!**

The voice in his head started to sing the text on the wall out loud.

**Disgusting and worthless,**

**filthy and hopeless,**

**cut, cut, cutting to appease,**

**kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself please!**

Loré's voice started to sing along.

**Disgusting and worthless,**

**filthy and hopeless,**

**cut, cut, cutting to appease,**

**kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself please!**

More voices started to sing along. Voices of people he knew.

**Disgusting and worthless,**

**filthy and hopeless,**

**cut, cut, cutting to appease,**

**kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself please!**

They sang it over and over again like a mocking choir. "SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!" The tears couldn't stop running and he fell down to his knees. "Please... please don't hate me". One voice stopped singing after every time they had finished the text. It felt like it was going on for hours with him begging and crying. Soon it was only one voice left..._hers._

**Disgusting and worthless,**

**filthy and hopeless,**

**cut, cut, cutting to appease,**

**kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself please!**

It felt like Fred finally could move his body again. Fred flew up from the floor and into one of the bathroom stalls. He locked the door and took to the fetus position on the toilet seat. Hiding away from the wall. It couldn't see him.

**_"Maybe the wall can't but I can... along with the rest of the world". _**

Fred started to scream and hit the brick wall behind him over and over again. He didn't stop until his hands were bruised and his knuckles were bleeding. Now he could finally calm down.

"What the actual fuck?" said he out loud and started to chew slightly on his abused hands to keep himself from screaming like a maniac.

**_"You are looooosing it booooy!"_**

Fred opened the stall door when some time had passed by. George was probably wondering where he was and he had see if the wall had stopped mocking him. No matter how scared he was.

To his surprise the wall was blank and one look in the mirror told him that the blood was gone too.

**_"Loooooosing it moooore daaaaaay by daaaay!"_**

Fred walked towards the sink with shaking legs. He needed to get rid of the evidence of the mental breakdown... then go to George, make a joke about diarrhea and pretend that nothing happened.

**"They aaaare aaaaafter youuuuu!"**

He looked in the mirror as little as possible in fear of seeing the black creature again, the man dressed in darkness. He washed his face and hands and fixed his hair and clothes. Fred had stopped crying but his eyes were still red and glassy._ "Come on eyes, dry up". _

**_"You can't ignore meeeee but you can ignore the eeeeend... but for how long". _**_"Dry up, dry up, dry up"._

The door opened, but he didn't look away from the white porcelain sink. It was probably George... maybe he should tell him about this? They were brothers so he would understand that he was in pain, right? He heard multiply girly voices... so it was not George? URGH! Why did all girls have to go to the bathroom at the same time! Only one of them had a pee filled vagina!

"Omg girls, it's one of the twins", said one of the girls and Fred looked up, putting his fake smirk on.

"Well hello ladies, enjoying the view?"

**_"You don't even enjoy it while looking in the mirror". _**_"That's because I keep seeing YOUR face in the background". _

The girls giggled. There were five of them, two from slytherin and the other three from ravenclaw. That was weird, normally slytherins only hang out within their house (of what he knew). Maybe the girls knew each other before hogwarts? Or they just didn't care about being in different houses. _"Good for them I guess... I've got such an headache". _

"Maaaybee", said one of the slytherin girls and her friends started to giggle again. Either his tiredness and headache made their advances annoying... or he might be turning gay... no, not all girls are like that. Katie can be a real fangirl, but his BFH (best fat husband because Fred became the wife for some reason) Angelina didn't act like that... neither did Hermione. His cheeks turned light pink.

He stopped denying his feelings for the nerdy girl a few days ago. Her brain was amazing, her skin so soft and addicting, her hair so fluffy and not boring, her warm brown eyes that stared up at him like he was either a child or a _friend... _there was so many things he liked about her, that's why it killed him to see her starve himself. At first he thought he just helped her as a friend who didn't want to see her ruining herself like he had done when he was younger. Of course, it did turn out that he had feelings for her... but her heart belonged to his younger brother... maybe he could step in when he messes up? Their "relationship" seemed kind of forced and expected. Besides, Fred had really worked hard to help her and keep her happy while Ron only cared about Harry's "betrayal". Ron didn't deserve her... but neither did Fred.

"It's weird seeing you without your twin", said one of the girls. Something told him that they thought that _they _made him blush.

"Yeah, but even twins get old enough to pee without each other", joked Fred. "I was actually about to get back to _George". _He made sure to mention his twin's name so they would know which twin they were talking to. Mostly to not make it more awkward.

All girls made sounds of disappointment. "Can't you stay a little longer? There is no more classes for today and I'm sure that your brother can wait".

"Yeah, let's talk", said another girl and Fred raised an eyebrow.

"Talk? In a bathroom? Why can't we just talk on the way to gryffindor's common room?" Because he didn't want to spend much time with them, but he didn't want to sound mean by telling them to leave him alone.

"That's not enough time". Three of them took a few steps closer and he didn't like the look in their eyes. "Besides... we're not really in the mood to just _talk _anymore, if you know what I mean".

Fred finally understood what they meant. Wow, Lee would be jealous of this... ANY guy would, but Fred wasn't just any guy so he had to do something his male friends would beat him up for later.

"I think I understand, but I don't have the time". Why was it so hard to just give them a straight no?

**_"Because a real man would say yes". _**

His rejection hit them like a hard slap in the face. "I think George would understand if you told him the reason... he would probably high five you", said one of them and stepped closer to the redhead. Fred gulped, a familiar cold feeling he hadn't felt for years spread through his body. No...

"Maybe, but I am really tired and... well... I just don't feel up to it. I'm sorry, it has nothing with you to do".

He tried to walk past them but they wouldn't budge. One of them even used magic to look the door and cast a silencing spell. Alarming bells went off in his head. This was bad, really bad.

"Ehm... what are you doing?" asked he nervously.

"Making a man out of you, pussy". One of the slytherin girls pushed him to the ground and started to take off her west, tie and white button up. He picked up his wand but her friend managed to disarm him before he could do anything.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Fred", said one of the ravenclaw girls. "If you leave marks on us we will tell Dumbledore that you attacked us and tried to rape us... you are a boy, we are girls so he will believe us. Plus, you wouldn't hurt a girl, would you?"

He had never felt so small, looking up at them from his sitting position on the dirty floor. The voice in his head laughed at his lack of masculinity. The girl who disarmed him knelt down in front of him.

"Besides... it could happen that we forgot which twin who hurt us... you are George, right?"

"Leave him out of this!" yelled he but flinched when she grabbed one of his hands after noticing the damage left from his one sided fight with the wall.

"Look girls! Looks like we have gotten ourselves a bad boy who likes to beat up his enemies... you ARE a man Fredrick, you just need us to bring it out of you". She dropped his hand and the other girls closed in on him. Fred fought back tears, not wanting to show them how weak he actually was. Couldn't Loré just have killed him when he had the chance?

They all started to remove some of their clothes until some of them were in their bras. It didn't excite him, not at all. They then grabbed him and started to take off his shirt. Fred started to struggle and scream at them.

"Don't be like this babe, we're only trying to fix you".

"EUW! Look guys!" yelled one of them who had managed to pull up his sleeve. "He rejected us because he's a freak!"

Everyone either said euw or made gagging sounds. "What the bloody hell is wrong with you!? Didn't mommy show you enough love so you started to cut, emo boy?"

Fred pulled down his sleeve. He couldn't hold back the tears anymore. They had seen it.

"Oh Look! Little emo boy is crying! Mommy doesn't love you, poor baby!"

_"STOP FUCKING CRYING, YOU FILTH!" _The girls started to get dressed again.

"Freak, tell anyone about this and everyone will know what a crazy little pathetic human being you are".

Their laughter was the last thing he heard before they left him alone. He smashed his head against the wall to prevent himself from screaming. He had to move quickly.

After making sure that the door was once again locked, he sat down with his back against the sinks. He opened his special pocket and took out the knife he had stolen from Snape.

_"He won't need it... he'll probably find it on my dead corpse in the future". _Fred pulled down his pants and placed the knife against his thighs before making a long bleeding line. He stared numbly at the wall in front of him while his hands moved on autopilot. He made six somewhat deep cuts before making a few more on the other thigh. He rarely cut his arms, too obvious spot but he was too eager last time and didn't have time to do it on his legs. Every sting sent calm waves through his body.

_"I deserve pain... ". _

**_"... Before death". _**

The red liquid both dyed the floor and his equally white skin crimson. You kind of lose your dignity if you are found dead with your pants down. Fred put the knife on the floor before using his wand to burn the wounds shut. The pain brought tears to his eyes, but he still stared at the wall. The wall wasn't empty this time... the word "crazy" stood right in the middle. A clean and simple reminder of what he was. He bandaged his wounds, cleaned the blood off himself, the floor and the knife before leaving.

**_"The glass will soon overflow"._**


	14. Chapter 14

Hermione couldn't help but at least be a little excited that she had a date to the Yule Ball. Even if it wasn't with Ron. Speaking of which, how dare he assume that she wasn't capable of getting a date on her own? She already felt extremely insecure, she didn't need _him _to put salt on her wounds. But oh boy how priceless Ron's facial expression would be when he discovered that she would go to the ball with Viktor Krum (who Fred thought Ron's gay for). Fred. _"I haven't seen him today. Not even George knew where he was. I have to tell him the good news!" _But where could the older Weasley twin be?

George had told her that he hadn't seen Fred since they went to the toilet (together?) so she went there first but couldn't see him.

"Fred?" she called, but of course received no answer. A iron smell reached her nose before she turned to leave. Hermione looked around and her heart started to beat rapidly when she saw a puddle of blood on the floor. "Oh God... what happened!?... Fred... ". She had to find him, he might be hurt! Of course it could have been someone else, but she wanted to be safe than sorry.

Before she left... she pointed her wand towards the blood puddle and made it disappear. It for Fred's sake because he wouldn't want the whole school to know he was hurt (if it was him).

Hermione then ran out of of the room with a painful feeling in her chest. _Please be alright._

**Maybe she shouldn't have erased it from her memories as well.**

* * *

Fred felt kind of lost, even if he walked on familiar grounds. His thighs were slightly sore, but the rest of him felt numb. A wave of pain hit him every time his thighs touched but not enough to break out of the numbness. Fred felt like a lost spirit with nowhere to go; gripping his heart tightly so he wouldn't lose the last drop of sanity. This feeling, he wasn't sure if he had ever felt like this before. Sure, he had felt numb before, but not like this. This time it was like a cold liquid was trying to leak from his heart and turn his blood to ice cold water.

**_"Don't let the liquid leak! Bahahahaha your fucking weirdo". _**

_"Don't let me freeze, don't let me freeze... don't let me freeze... am I at the quidditch pitch?"_

Fred jumped in surprise when he heard footsteps behind him. He turned around and all his thought went away as his eyes landed on an out of breath Hermione Granger. "Well hello Granger", said he and smirked. "Planning on sneaking into the boys' dressing room or something?" But she still looked worried.

They stared at each other in silence for at least ten seconds before she ran over to him and wrapped her arms around his middle and buried her face in his chest. It shocked him, but he still managed to let go of the skin above his heart and hug her back. Something was obviously wrong with her. The cold feeling disappeared without him noticing it. "Mione? Are you alright? Did my baboon pig for brother upset you?" she chuckled and looked up at him. Brown eyes meeting blue ones.

"No it's just... I had a strange feeling", said she, not being able to ask about the blood in the bathroom. It was probably not even him; he looked fine! For all she knew it was some poor girl's menstruation blood (couldn't she clean after herself!?).

"Oh, okey", said he and hugged her tighter, tucking her head in his neck. Hermione couldn't help but close her eyes and sigh. The embrace was warm and comforting. _"He's alright, everything's alright"._Her eyes widened when she remembered... this was _Fred Weasley _.

"Uhm... sorry for the confusion", said she and let go of him while backing away. "Believe me Granger, this whole day is confusing. Is George looking for me?"

Hermione wondered what he meant by that. "Yeah, he seemed kind of annoyed and worried. Why didn't you return to him?" asked she. Not wanting to make the situation even more confusing. Sure, he acted pretty weird but he probably had his reasons.

"Weird impulses", answered Fred and she rolled her eyes. That sounded like something she didn't want to know about. "I almost scared poor little George half to death", said he with a high-pitched scream and cupped his cheeks.

Hermione rolled her eyes and sighed. "Could be the case for all I know", muttered she and extended her hand in his direction (to her own surprise). "Let's return to your abandoned brother". Like someone who had been stuck in a dark hole for a long time but finally found the light, Fred took her smaller hand in his bigger one and walked alongside her towards the castle.

"Ron will be so jealous when he sees this", joked Fred to break the silence.

"This would be the least of his problems, if he would be jealous", Hermione couldn't help herself but murmur.

Fred raised an eyebrow and looked at her curiously. "What's that supposed to mean? Did you bang Harry?"

"What? No!" yelled she and her cheeks turned red. "I've got a date to the Yule Ball-not Harry".

Fred almost stopped walking. _"She-she have a date?" _

**_"What? It's not like you had a chance anyway". _**

_"I-I didn't want to ask her! I was just shocked, that's all!" _

**_"Are you really trying to lie to me? You sure are stupid". _**

His heart started to feel a little cold again, but he managed to keep it at bay without grabbing his chest. Fred forced a mischievous smile. "Oooooh! Does little Mione have a date? You're blushing! That's so cute!" _Very _, very cute.

"Sod off Weasley! Wait, you believe me?"

"... Yeah?" said Fred hesitantly. "Why would you lie about this?"

"I wouldn't, it's just... Ron didn't believe me. That I got a date that is". Fred's smirk turned into a genuine smile this time.

"His face will be priceless when he sees for himself then... who's the lucky guy?... or girl... you didn't dump my brother for my sister, right?"

"I would have told you who it was if it was a girl, if I didn't know better", said she and rolled her eyes. "You wouldn't have left it alone".

"You know me well", said Fred and let go of her hand when they were finally at the building. "Soooo... who is it?" Hermione looked down at the ground and murmured something he couldn't really hear. She looked like a cute little child like that.

"What did you say?" asked Fred and chuckled. "I'm going with Krum", repeated she, a little louder this time. "What? Way to go!" exclaimed he and hit her lightly on her back. _"It hurts so much"._

She hit him back. "Don't hit me! He was pretty cute when he asked me, I couldn't say no. Who are you going with?"

"Probably my husband. No, not George, not Lee, but Angelina".

"Why are you calling her your husband?"

"Because she calls me her wife", answered Fred like it was the most obvious thing in the whole world.

"Why can't you both be husbands?" asked she and Fred thought for a while.

"That sounds like a great idea!" beamed he after a few seconds and she smirked and rolled her eyes at him.

**If she had actually tried to figure out what was really going on with him that time, because something was clearly wrong, could she have prevented ****that** **from happening?**

The two friends separated when both were inside. Hermione went to the library (of course) and Fred went to the common room to meet up with George. But George was nowhere to be found when he finally got there.

"And he complains when I disappear", muttered he bitterly and sat down on one of the couches in front of the fireplace.

Fred focused on the slight pain in his thighs to distract him from his thoughts. But it wasn't enough so he looked around to make sure that nobody looked his way before he started to dig his fingers into the skin. Not hard enough to make it bleed, but hard enough to irritate the wounds underneath. _"Man, I'm really messed up"._

"Hi wifey", said Angelina and sat down next to him. She wrapped her hands around his arm and rested her head on his shoulder.

"I got a suggestion that we could be a gay couple", said Fred and stopped digging into his thighs.

"Can we be lesbians?" asked she hopefully and he smirked and wiggled his eyebrows.

"Sure thing... does that mean we'll both wear dresses at the Yule ball?"

Angelina laughed. "That's an interesting way of asking me to go with you. Keep the suit if you ever want to get a girlfriend after this, Weasley".

Fred held his hand over his heart. "You really do care about little me! I love you wife!"

"Love you too wifey!" beamed she and they both started to laugh.

"Am I interrupting something?" both looked up at a smiling George (who Fred could see wasn't really happy at all).

"Only our lesbian love moment", answered Angelina and George raised an eyebrow.

"I don't want to know about what that means. I have been looking for you, your twat", said George and Fred scratched his neck nervously.

"I still have one arm over if you want to join us", answered he and received a hard hit on the shoulder. "I was just kidding! I'm sorry that I just disappeared like that. I wasn't feeling so good and I kind of zoomed out. Perce might not be far off when he calls me stupid". Fred chuckled, George rolled his eyes with a smirk and Angelina looked at him with a concerned expression.

"Your behavior only becomes more worrisome", she looked at George sternly. "Can't you see it?"

"I'm right here", said Fred, not liking how she talked about him like he wasn't even in the room. George only raised an eyebrow as an answer to her question. "Seriously, George? And everybody says Fred is the emotionally handicapped one?" She stood up angrily and walked away.

"Emotionally handicapped?" repeated Fred, confused. "I know that I'm the less sensitive one but... what's up with her anyway?"

George shrugged. "I don't know, I never really understand her lately".

"Don't look at me for answers, I'm the _emotionally handicapped _twin after all". _"Yes, I'm a little bit salty". _

George opened his mouth to say something but quickly closed it again. His expression changed many times before he finally said something. And what he said truly shocked him. "Yeah you're right. You're the wrong person to ask about anything. Say, how much about our lives do you know that doesn't have something to do with you?" Fred didn't know what to say... until a familiar smell hit his nose.

"I thought... I thought you stopped smoking". George glared at him.

"Sod off Fred, not everyone can go through the day without some sort of release". George left the room.

Fred smiled sadly and dug his thumbs into his thighs like he had done before. "Yeah... you're right".

**_If George had taken Angelina's words seriously, could he have seen _****_that_ ****_coming?_**

Hermione was more nervous than she would've liked to admit when she stood in front of the mirror. She was supposed to meet up with Krum in almost twenty minutes and she was almost done with her hair. For the first time in what felt like forever... she felt _beautiful. _Hermione never understood the girls in movies who felt like princesses in their ball gowns... she still didn't feel like a princess, but she thought she felt something similar. She wondered what Fred would think if he saw her... wait, what? Krum, you're going with _Krum _, Hermione.

She felt somebody behind her. "Wow Hermione", said Ginny with wide eyes. _"Wait a minute, did Fred ask me before if I was going with her? Never knew he wished that his sister would be a lesbian… why is this coming up now". _"You look absolutely stunning!" Hermione looked down at the ground, blushing, before looking up again.

"Thanks Ginny, I really like your dress. Who are you going with?"

"I'm going with Neville. I think it will be fun", said she but even Hermione could tell that she would rather have went with someone else. Harry Potter. It was kind of cute, how she have always had this huge crush on him. It was kind of sad though that he didn't like her back. His current love interest was Cho (even if Fred insisted that everyone thought Harry was gay). Unfortunately, he was also stuck with a one-sided crush. Just like Ginny. _Just like you. _

"Neville seems to be a pretty good dancer though", said Hermione, trying to sound more happy for Ginny. "You will probably take over the dance floor".

Ginny laughed. "Yeah, he have been practising for a while now. Ron have walked in on him many times. Isn't he going with one of the Patil twins?"

The question almost made her a little sad... Not as much as she should have thought. Mostly because of how beautiful the Patil twins were... especially compared to herself. How could she compete with that? _"You shouldn't even try to compete with them. You light up the room far more than them combined", _said a voice in her head that sounded a lot like Fred's... but she couldn't remember ever hearing him saying that. _It's because he says stuff like that all the time. _She shook her head to get rid of her thoughts.

"I'm going to meet up with my _date _", said Ginny, sounding off at the word "date". Hermione watched as the youngest Weasley walked to the door. "Are you coming, Mione?" _Mione? Fred calls you that._Hermione didn't know why Fred came up so much in her head.

"Go ahead. I'm not finished with my hair", said Hermione and turned back to look at her own reflection in the mirror.

"Okey, see you there", said Ginny with a smile before leaving the room.

It felt like a movie in slow motion when she walked down the stairs. Ron and Harry looked up at her, not really sure if they believed what they saw. Ron thought she looked stunning, but as he was just about to say hi to her, Viktor Krum got to her before him. She smiled, feeling like a princess (God damnit) until her eyes landed on one familiar red head a few feet away; talking and laughing with Angelina. Hermione didn't knew why she felt like she had made a horrible mistake.

**_Didn't everybody feel like that later that week?_**


	15. Chapter 15

"Why are people looking at us?" asked Fred and looked around.

Angelina scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Well, who's the weird couple that dances like they have fireworks in their pants?"

Even though Fred knew the answer, he still looked around until his eyes landed on two pairs of couples sitting a few feet away. "Well not Harry and Ron at least", snickered he and Angelina also looked at where he was looking.

"The Patils seem to strongly agree with you", said she before they turned to look at each other again. Her expression suddenly got serious and the arms around his neck loosened. He knew what she was about to ask. _"I can't keep this up or I'll soon shut her out completely". _

"Please, Angie. Not now. I swear that I won't lie about being fine if you please just pretend that I am for tonight. I just want a pause and pretend that I'm fine for once", said Fred and looked down at the floor.

"Fred... ", whispered she and lifted his chin up so she could look him in the eyes. It probably looked like they were about to kiss for the people around them. "You are one of my best friends and I don't want you to feel sad, but at least you were honest with me for once... So I'll let it slide, but tell me tomorrow morning, deal?" Fred smiled a genuine smile. It felt like something heavy had left his chest.

"Why couldn't we have fallen in love? Life would have been so much easier".

"I agree", said Angelina as he twirled her around. "But your eyes are on someone else and I find your brother so much more attractive". _"How did she know?" _

Fred laughed and buried his face in her shoulder. "And you said yes to me?"

"Well, you asked first and we have a history".

Fred lifted his head and took a step back. "You can't always choose the safe option, it's like taking your gay friend to a date because you know that there's no expectations of you".

"You sound a lot like your dad", commented she but he just smirked and kissed her hand in a mock-gentleman way.

"I'll stay for a little while longer but then you should dance with George instead... and hope that he didn't go with Lee because of their deep love for each other".

"That sounds more like you".

Lee watched as the expression on George's face changed from happy to slightly depressed. "What is it? Isn't our date good enough?" asked Lee, jokingly of course, and George shook his head.

"No it has nothing with you to do. I lost". Lee raised an eyebrow.

"Lost? Like on a bet?"

"No", said George and eyed a familiar couple on the dance floor that were dancing like maniacs.

"You could have asked her out first, mate", Lee said with a shrug. "You should have told Fred as well about her, but instead you kept quiet. You. Have. No. Right to be mad at him". George groaned and glared at Lee.

"He should have been able to see that I felt something for her, but he never pays attention to anyone else but himself... and her".

Lee crossed his arms. "And do you know _everything _about Fred then? Do you know what's going on inside of his head? Or what he does?"

George raised an eyebrow. "Of course I do. I'm his twin". Lee shook his head.

"If you did know him, you would have added Granger to the people he truly cares about".

"Granger? Why little brainy Granger?"

Lee smirked. "Because he's talking about her all the time. Where do you think he disappears from time to time? He's eating with her". Now, that was some news George hadn't expected.

"What? How do you know this?"

"I asked him why he always brought his weird food outside".

The Yule ball was getting closer to an end and Hermione was sweating from the dancing. Her throat was hoarse from all the laughing and her cheeks hurting from smiling. She looked around and saw that people started to leave. As tired as she was, she could understand so she motioned for Krum to bend down to her level so he could hear her more clearly.

"I'm tired. Can we leave?" He smiled at her gently, took her hand and lead her away from the crowd.

They left the ball room and walked hand in hand until they reached an empty corridor. She turned to look at him to say goodnight, but his lips against her own cut her off. Hermione was too shocked to react and Krum seemed to take it as a good thing so he grabbed her neck to keep her in place. _This is wrong! _Finally, Hermione came back to life, put her hands on his shoulders and used all of her strength to push him away. Krum looked at her with a surprised expression. No one had probably rejected him before.

"I'm sorry but... ". She took a step back and let go of him. Big mistake. "I'm not... ". Before she could finish her sentence, he was on her again; pushing her against the wall while pinning her arms over her head. He forced his tongue into her mouth and she tried to scream for help. Krum's left hand grabbed both of her wrists and she panicked when she felt his other hand travel up her side toward her chest. Tears started to run down her face when she realized what was going on. _Please save me! Somebody!? _He gave her breast a hard and painful squeeze before pulling up her skirt. She tried to struggle out of his hold but he was much stronger than her. There was nothing she could do but mentally call for help as he put his hands down her underwear.

Suddenly; Krum flew backwards because a smaller body was tackling him to the ground.

"Fred!?" exclaimed Hermione when she recognized the body on top of Krum's. Fred didn't look at her, he just glared down at the scum underneath him. "Why do you think that you have the right to do this?" asked he in a whisper, trying not to get a panic attack. Krum spun them around so he was now on top and started to throw punches at Fred's chest.

"No! Stop!" begged Hermione and cried harder, which distracted Krum for so long that Fred was able to push the older boy off him. Fred stood up quickly and kicked Krum in the face before Krum had the chance to make another move. Viktor fell backwards with blood dripping from his broken nose. He was still awake, luckily, so Fred didn't kill him or hurt him too badly. Fred grabbed his own chest with one hand and the wall with the other to keep himself from falling to the ground. Hermione only stared as he was coughing and gasping for air.

With one hand holding his nose, Krum was just about to stand back up and attack again but the sound of footsteps stopped him. All three of them turned to look at the new arrivals. Harry, Ron, Angelina, Cho, Cedric, George and a couple of more students stood there and looked shocked. Hermione cried out and ran into Ron's arms, something she probably shouldn't have done. Despite not being able to breathe properly, Fred stood up straight and looked at her with a hurt expression. He didn't understand; _"Do they all think that _**_I_ **_am the monster here?" _

Ron glared at him. Of course Krum was the victim; he was the one _bleeding _after all. "What the fuck have you done?" asked he angrily. "I swear if you hurt her as well... ". _"What!? I didn't hurt her, did I?"_Fred looked at her, but her face was buried in _his _chest _. _His eyes wandered over the other people there (but he was too afraid to look at George or Angelina).

"Your brother iz crazy", murmured Krum and stood up.

**_"Fucking freak. Can't do anything right". _**

Feeling his eyes burn; Fred turned around and ran away with their gazes burning his back. Hermione turned around and felt her heart sink. "Fred! Wait!" But he was already gone.

"Don't go after him", said Ron and wrapped his arm around her waist. George crossed his arms over his chest while glaring at Krum.

"Fred may be hot headed, but he's not someone who attacks without a good reason".

Angelina looked at him with an equally angry expression. "So _now _you see that something is wrong?"

"No time for fighting!" said Lee. "Someone's bleeding on the floor and our _friend _just disappeared!"

George turned around and started to walk away. "He's not a little child, he'll be fine".

* * *

**_Freak, freak, freak, freak, freak, freak... ". _**

_"Stop it! Shut the fuck up!" _Fred put a lot of pressure on his temples. He didn't know where he was anymore. All he could see was a dark and blurry storm. Dark creatures surrounded him and screamed at him but there was nothing he could do to stop them. _"I can't do this anymore... "._

**_"End the pain! End the pain!" _**said the voices over and over again.

"I said: SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab.

"Fred!?"

Stab. stab, stab, stab.

"What are you doing!? STOP IT!"

**_"FREAK! HEAR ME!" _**

"OH GOD! SOMEBODY HELP! HE IS BLEEDING!" Everything turned dark.

Fred knew where he was when he opened his eyes; many injuries leads to the hospital wing. The question is; why was he there this time? Let's see... head aching... arms sore... eyes dry and a few other things... what's happening?

* * *

"I'm glad that you're finally awake, mister Weasley". Fred blinked a couple of times before looking up at madam pomfrey. She looked serious, but also concerned. He was aware of the fact that somebody was holding his right hand. One quick glance told him that it was his "wife".

"Good morning", said he with a cheeky smile. "What did my medication do this time to send me here?"

Madam Pomfrey just sighed. "There was nothing in your system that made you do this".

"Do what?" asked Fred and looked over at Angelina. Her expression told him everything; his smile disappeared. _"No... they _**_can't_ **_know". _Fred tried to sit up but Pomfrey forced him to lay down again.

"You lost a lot of blood, Weasley. Besides, Dumbledore and Mcgonagall are on their way to talk to you about your... _habit _".

"And don't even try to deny anything!" exclaimed Angelina. You could clearly see that she had been crying. "We saw the scars!... for h-how long? Wh-why didn't you tell me?" Fred looked down and started to pick on the bandages around his arms. Pomfrey probably didn't heal his wounds completely so she would have proof. _"Don't panic, don't panic, don't panic... ". _

The doors opened and a furious headmaster and a pretty afraid looking Mcgonagall entered the room. Normally, that would have made him proud, but at the moment he just felt nervous and depressed... also confused. Why are were acting so weird?

"Am I in trouble?" asked Fred when they arrived at his bedside. "Because I attacked Krum in self defence and... ".

Dumbledore cut him off before he could continue. "We are here to discuss another matter, mister Weasley. Yesterday miss Angelina found you bleeding from self inflicted wounds. Do yoy want to elaborate?"

Fred raised an eyebrow. "What do you want me to say? She caught me at a bad time?" That was apparently the wrong thing to say.

"That's not the problem, mister Weasley!", said Mcgonagall and looked everywhere but his face. Her eyes sometimes glanced at his arms; like she had to remind herself that this was real. "We're worried about you and your mental health".

Fred hesitated before asking: "Have you told anyone about this? Does anyone outside this room know?"

They exchanged looks before Dumbledore answered: "We and a couple of teachers. I assume that your parents don't know about this?"

Fred looked down once again in shame. "I'm fine. I cut too deep on accident. It's not a big deal! They don't need to know!" The desperation in his voice got right to their hearts; they had never seen him like this before. Broken. _"They can't know! They'll hate me, I'm disgusting". _

"I'm sorry, but I have no other choice but to owl your parents about this", said Dumbledore in a apologetic way.

Fred felt how his blood froze. "Please, don't". He looked around at them. "Don't do this! Please I beg you! Don't!"

"Fred!" Exclaimed Angelina shocked and tried to touch his shoulder but he just shrugged her off.

"This is your fault!" yelled he and pushed her further away. "How could you tell them!? I thought we were friends!"

Angelina started to cry again. "We _are _friends, Freddie. I don't want to see you hurt yourself ever again".

Fred turned away and crossed his arms. "It's MY body. I do WHATEVER I want with it. It's NONE of your Goddamn business!"

"But... !"

Dumbledore cut her off as well. "Thanks for finding him but I think it's for the best if you join the rest of the class".

"What? But I think I should... ". She stopped talking when he gave her a serious look. With one last try to touch Fred (without any success), she left the hospital wing with hesitant steps.

Fred still refused to met their eyes. "I'll do anything! Just don't tell them! They'll hate me, they'll... ".

"They are your family, they won't hate you", assured Dumbledore, but it did nothing to calm Fred down. Noticing Fred's body language, madam Pomfrey decided to get a sleeping potion ready so he wouldn't get violent and hurt himself again.

"There is nothing you can do to prevent this from happening", said she and Fred had to fight back tears. He felt empty and out of hope.

"However", said Dumbledore and cleared his throat. "I give you until the end of the day to owl them yourself. We have already contacted st mungo's and a few wizards will come and get you tomorrow morning". Suddenly everything became blurry and red, like something took over his body and threw his own consciousness in a red cellar. His throat hurt from screaming and his wounds reopened because of his violent movements and spasms. Then everything got dark.

* * *

Potions was never a fun school subject, but it had never been so awkward before for George, Lee, Angelina and Katie. They hadn't spoken properly since the "Krum vs Fred" incident and Angelina refused to talk to anyone after she came back from looking for Fred. George didn't know why she cared so much about him, sure he did care a lot too, but he didn't treat Fred like a bloody child. Sure, he was worried when Fred didn't return to the common room, but he could take care of himself, right?

"Pay attention", said Snape with his usual monotone voice. "Or else you will join the other mister Weasley for his punishment for not attending class".

Angelina looked up at him with a sad look. Snape probably didn't know about what had happened to Fred; he was one of the few teachers who weren't there. Most likely because he was punishing another student. Or else he would probably have been one of the first ones at the scene.

Just as Snape was about to assign them with their first potion of the day (it took a while to clean up from a mess the previous class had made), the door opened. Everyone stared at Fred in silence as he entered the classroom with an emotionless expression. He still wore the same pants from the day before but had a cleaner long sleeved shirt. It was daring, or maybe just plane stupid to go to class without the school uniform. If you looked closely, you could see some of the bandages sticking out, but no one thought much about it. Fred looked tired, worn out and ill. His hair was messy and his eyes were red. Angelina didn't understand why Fred showed up, maybe to show everyone that he wasn't dead? What was he trying to prove?

Snape smirked. "But what do we have here? Looks like you had a _good _night". Angelina made an embarrassing sound which made everyone look at her weirdly for a few seconds before their eyes turned to Fred again. She didn't want to be there, she _couldn't _. The only thing she wanted to do was to stand up, take Fred's hand and walk away.

Fred continued to stare at Snape without making a sound. Snape raised an eyebrow. "No smart comeback? Not even a poor excuse to cover up your mischief?" Still not saying anything; Fred walked over to Snape's desk and handed him a piece of paper. Snape frowned at him and took it.

"It's not going to turn you green or anything", said Fred with a hoarse voice. "It's from madam Pomfrey". Clearly not trusting the younger male; Snape hesitantly opened the small letter and read through it. The class watched in shock as their professor's face changed from his usual expression too a wide-eyed and somewhat afraid one. Snape's eyes wandered from the letter to Fred's arms, to Fred's face before going back to the letter again. Fred nodded and placed something on the desk that only Snape could see. The stolen knife. It looked like he wanted to say something to his student, but couldn't find the words. With a sigh; Fred turned around and walked towards the tables.

"Over here, Fred", said Angelina in a whisper but Fred ignored her and looked around for another seat. Lee dragged him down to the chair next to him when Fred got close enough.

"Don't ignore us, mate. You look horrible by the way". Fred gave him a smile without any happiness behind it.

"So I look like usual, right?"

"He didn't say that", said Katie and Fred just chuckled.

"Well, I _am _the weird one. I thought my look just matched my personality. You know, violent and crazy. How's Krum?" They all refused to look him in the eye. He acted so _strange _.

"He's just fine, telling everyone that you're a maniac who attacked him for no reason", answered George and chuckled. "By the way, Why did Snape get a letter from madam Pomfrey? What happened to you?"

Fred ignored his last question and laughed. "I don't remember that attacking a rapist made me a maniac but it doesn't matter, right? I'M A FUCKING WRECK! RIGHT!?" Everyone turned to look at him in surprised as he continued to laugh. Snape didn't know what to do. Should he scold him or what? He had never had a dangerously depressed student before and he wasn't heartless like everyone thought.

"Fred", said Angelina; barely holding herself together. "Please stop it, we're worried about you".

He stopped laughing and glared at her. "Am I not allowed to laugh anymore? Do you want me to cry? Will that make me look human enough for you? You fucking ruined me, I will never forgive you".

She clenched her fists and glared back. "What was I supposed to do!? What would you have done if it was me? I regret nothing! Stop trying to make me regret it!"

Lee whistled. "Wow, did Angie break your heart or what?" asked he and George felt slightly better about that, but not much. Something was terribly wrong here.

"Stop being such a dick, Fred".

"Stop being such an idiot, George", answered Fred in a way that surprised everyone.

"Am _I _an idiot?" Asked George angrily and clenched his own fists. Fred smiled a wicked smile.

"Yes, don't you think I know why you smoke? Idiot, stop listening to everyone comparing us two!" George's eyes widened and Fred continued. "You are you and I am I. You are better than me. There! I said it! Can you finally believe that and stop sinking down to my pathetic level!?"

Silence, awkward and uncomfortable silence. "F-Fred?" George's voice broke and he gulped. The anger disappeared; now he started to get really worried. Snape decided to cut them off.

"Miss Johnsson, please escort Fred Weasley to his room. He's disturbing the class and clearly haven't been sleeping properly". Angelina nodded happily and grabbed Fred's hand and pulled him up before linking her arm with his. Both George and a Slytherin girl stood up. George looked concerned and panicked.

"Can I please go with him instead? I'm his brother after all and... ".

"That's it? You tell him to take a nap?" said the Slytherin girl, irritated. "You're not going to give him a better punishment? Or take away points from Gryffindor?" Snape glared at her until she sat back down again with red cheeks.

Fred groaned. "I'm not a little child, I can go to bed by myself by now". George looked at him with a concerned expression.

Snape told him: "Only bad things happens when you two are together. Sit down or you'll get detention". George glared at him, but sat down.

"Come", said Angelina and lead Fred out of there.

Fred didn't say anything as he and Angelina walked with their arms hooked.

**_"She ruined your life! Fucking leave!" _**

_"No! Shut the fuck up! She didn't know the reason. I can probably explain to her so she understand". _

**_"You are a fucking coward. They'll ruin everything!" _**

"Stop it. I don't need this right now".

Angelina stopped walking and raised an eyebrow. "I didn't say anything", said she but he couldn't hear her because of the screaming in his head. She watched in horror as he grabbed his head like he was in pain and fell down to his knees. "Fred!?" Exclaimed she in panic and went down on her own knees to try to comfort him. "What's going on?"

"It will never stop, it will never stop", whispered he as she wrapped her arms around him. "I'm trying but it won't go away, he's still _here _. What future do I have? What future?" Angelina didn't know what to say, who's he talking about? George?

"You have a future, Fred. Like the joke shop with George". She started to rub his back with the palm of her hand.

"No! I ruined it! I ruined it and he hates me. Everyone hates me!" Yelled he and stood up so quickly that Angelina almost fell over.

"You didn't ruin anything, nobody hates you", but her words didn't help.

"He told me that everyone hates me and he never lie to me!" She stood up just as quickly; not being able to believe those words.

"George would never say something like that! Are you sure?"

"No! Not George! HIM! _He _said it!"

Before she could ask him about what the bloody hell he was talking about; he grabbed his head again and slid down the wall. She was just about to see if he was okey when she noticed three spectators.

"Please make sure he doesn't do anything stupid while I get Pomfrey", begged she before running towards the hospital wing. Hermione, Ron and Harry stared after her in silence before Fred let out a pained gasp. They looked in horror as his eyes looked without seeing, his body shook violently and he was pulling his poor hair.

"What's wrong with him!?" Exclaimed Ron and knelt down next to him to try to make him stop pulling his hair. Hermione couldn't think, or move. One of her best friends was in pain, but she didn't know what to do. What was going on!?

"He might be cursed", said Harry and sat down in front of him. "Can you hear me? Are you Fred or George?" No answer, it didn't even look like he knew that they were there.

"He's Fred and you might be right about him being cursed", said Hermione. She couldn't come up with a better explanation.

"But why would anyone attack Fred?" Asked Ron, clearly angry at whoever dared hurting his family. "Don't even try to blame yourself, Harry. I doubt someone tried to reach you through him", added he before Harry could open his mouth.

"Do you have any better reason for this, Ron?" Asked he, irritated. Both Hermione and Ron hated when Harry blamed himself.

Their argument was interrupted by a pained scream from Fred. "Snap out of it!" Begged Ron and waved his hand in front of his older brother's face. Still no reaction. Hermione sat down on the ground next to Harry and wrapped her arms around Fred, which surprised both Harry and Ron.

"I'm sorry that I didn't defend you yesterday when you saved me. I was so scared... I'm sorry, please come back", begged other two didn't know what to do.

Suddenly Fred's body tensed up and he stood up so the other three actually fell. They didn't have the same luck as Angelina. "There is no end", whispered he before he ran away with them yelling after him.

"What he bloody hell's wrong with him?" Asked Ron but there was no one at the whole school who could answer that question.

Fred didn't stop running until he reached the potion classroom and he waited outside until most of the students, including George and the others, left the room. His eyes followed George until he was out of sight.

"I'm so sorry George, your hell will end soon", whispered he before sneaking into the room. There were only a couple of students left who didn't notice him as he walked over to one of the shelves and took one of the potions that the class had made that day. Then, he sat down at Snape's desk and looked around in the room. This wasn't how he had imagined this. Fred pulled down his sleeves and removed the bandages; he had to hurry up before Snape came back. He picked up the knife from earlier and pushed it in deeply into his wrist. The voice in his head got more and more quiet as the blood started to flow freely. He started to feel dizzy because of the blood loss. There was no pain, even if it looked like his hand could fall off any second. Numbness, just numbness. One of the girls, someone he actually recognized from the bathroom incident, started to scream. _Now _they noticed. More of the students started to scream when they saw what Fred was doing.

The door busted open and Snape walked in with a glare. "What is happening? Why are you... ". But he stopped talking when he saw Fred with a bleeding wrist and a bottle of _poison _. "Mister Weasley", said he with his hands in front of him as he took a careful step closer. Fred panicked and started to empty the content in his mouth. "NO DON'T!" But it was already too late. Fred dropped the bottle and fell down to the ground. His throat was burning and he choked on his own blood. He could feel hands on him but his vision was blurry.

"Don't just stand there! Get help!" Yelled Snape (?) and started to whisper some spells while pointing his wand at Fred's spasming body.

_"Never thought that I would die in your arms, Snape. This must be a lucky day for you haha. I'm sorry everyone but I can't do this anymore... I love you mom, and dad, and Bill, Charlie, Percy, Ron, Ginny... God Ginny, never trust a man... they'll just break you. George, you'll be happier without me. Hermione... Hermione, I love you. I hope Ron takes good care of you and makes sure that you eat. Angelina, I'm sorry for yelling at you... Lee oh God...Everything will get better now, you'll see... you'll see"._


	16. Chapter 16

Despite the drama with Fred, the day turned out okay for George. Only because the classes ended quicker than usual because of an emergency meeting Snape had to attend. Probably nothing big, just someone trying to be a prankster. Despite the fail, George had to thank the kid later, but first he had to find his (out of character) twin brother. Or wait, maybe he didn't. Fred was probably asleep. Who knew how mad he would get if someone disturbed his beauty sleep?

Before George could go to the common room, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around and looked into Mcgonagall's tired and worn out eyes. It almost looked like she had been crying, but that couldn't be right, right?

"I haven't done anything, Professor". She looked at him with a pained expression. "Professor Dumbledore wants to see you and your siblings in his office as soon as possible. Pass the message on. You're not in trouble... it's... ". She covered her mouth and walked away with quick steps before he could ask her more about it. Something horrible must have happened, but what? He decided to run to the common room to get Fred.

He was so stressed that he accidentally ran into his little brother. Both he and Ron fell to the floor with Harry and Hermione staring at them weirdly.

"You're being really weird today, Fred", snorted Ron and pushed his older brother off him.

"I'm George, not Fred", answered George and stood up. "Wait, does that mean that you met him? Did he go to the common room?"

Hermione stepped closer to him. "The common room?"

"Yeah, Snape decided that he needed a nap".

She cleared her voice and sighed. "We saw him, he seemed to have some kind of panic attack. He looked like he was cursed so Angelina left to get Pomfrey while we kept an eye on him... but he ran away, but not towards the common room". Her expression was full of guilt and concern.

George was just confused. "Then, what direction did he go then?"

Harry looked like he was thinking really hard before he answered: "I think to Snape's classroom. Really weird, that would be the last place he would want to be".

"We just had potions", explained George. "He might have been looking for me. So Mcgonagall have probably already told him".

"Told him what?" asked Ron and raised an eyebrow. "That Dumbledore wants all the Weasleys in his office as soon as possible". Ron looked at him angrily; he thought it was his and Fred's fault.

"We have nothing to do with this!" Exclaimed George and threw his arms in the air. "Go and get Ginny and we'll meet there". George left before Ron could say anything, while hoping that nothing bad had happened to his parents. Not really what he should have been worried about.

It took longer than expected to gather Ron, George and Ginny in Dumbledore's office. Both Dumbledore and Mcgonagall were in the room and they didn't look happy. The opposite in fact, they looked devastated and much older than usual. Fred wasn't there, to George's surprise, but that didn't seem to matter.

"We have some really troubling news", said Mcgonagall without looking at them. She almost felt guilty, like she could have prevented this from happening. It was her job to make sure that her students were safe and sound. Where did she go wrong?

"Why are we here?" Asked Ginny; looking really confused. "As you all may have noticed, classes had to end earlier today because of an emergency", Dumbledore said with a sigh. "That emergency is connected to you". All three siblings looked at each other; clearly shocked.

Ron was the first one to speak. "But professor, why must me and Ginny suffer because of Fred and George's pranks".

Dumbledore shook his head. "This have nothing to do with George and no one's in trouble. Yes, the emergency is about Fred because earlier this day, around the time potions were over, he tried to commit suicide".

Mcgonagall's red eyes started to tear up again so she had to look away. Dumbledore just tried to keep himself steady and strong for the young ones. And the Weasley siblings? They became statues; pale and almost transparent ghosts. The professor saw how the emotions played out in their faces. First there was surprise, then confusion, then denial, then anger and at last there was sadness.

Ginny was the one who broke the silence. She started to cry and fell down to her knees. Ron looked like he still tried to grasp what Dumbledore just told him. It was hard to believe that Fred, his older brother who was a clown who always laughed and never took anything seriously, would try to kill himself. George's face was harder to read, he looked emotionless but also pained at the same time. Even if they all reacted differently, they all had the same feeling deep inside; a cold and numb feeling that spread through their bodies.

George asked with a shaky and unsteady voice; "D-did... what? Th-this can't... no... not him! Someone must have tried to kill him! H-he's a-alive right? P-please tell me he's not... ". Tears started to fall down his cheeks. "_ This can't be happening, this can't be happening" _. This wasn't _supposed _to happen! Fred couldn't be... he couldn't!

Dumbledore gave the siblings a sympathetic look. "He's not dead. He's at st. Mungo's with your parents and he's being attended to right now. They're trying to get the poison out of his system".

"Poison!?" George exclaimed and almost fell over. Wasn't that what Snape made them make? What if he drank the one George made.

Dumbledore said: "I'll send you to your parents so you can see him when he wakes up and perhaps get some answers". Ron nodded. He felt numb. Is this how Harry felt every single day? Like something inside you was breaking? Why was this happening? Why?

* * *

Molly Weasley was having a nightmare, no, this was real life. The worst thing for a mom is that something bad happens to her children. How could she let this happen? Her baby was hurting and she didn't do anything. She had been crying ever since she got the message; that her Fred tried to leave her forever. How couldn't she have noticed this? How?

Waiting while the healers were attending him was the longest and worst period of her life. She was crying the whole time in her husband's arms while Arthur had a blank look on his face. He tried to stay strong for her even if he wanted to break down and cry too.

Bill and Percy arrived a couple of hours after Molly and Arthur. They asked many questions that neither of them could answer. Both brothers had blank looks on their faces, which made their mom sad so she told them that it was okay to cry. Percy got mad at her and looked away, but she could still see the tears building up in his eyes. Bill however, like Arthur, tried to remain strong for his younger sibling. The burden of the oldest sibling.

A healer came out of Fred's room and Molly jumped up from her husband's lap. "How is he? How is my son!? Can we see him?" The healer was a middle aged woman whose hair was turning grey.

The healer had a serious look on her face. "Your son will survive. His wounds will take some extra time to heal thanks to the potion but he'll be healed up in a week thanks to professor Severus Snape. But we'll have to keep him here a little longer", the healer said and the Weasleys felt relieved, like a big weight had been lifted from their shoulders. But why did Fred have to stay longer? Was it something that she didn't want to tell them?

It was like the healer could read their minds. "His body may heal quick, but his mind will not. Keep in mind that this wasn't an accident, but an attempt at his own life. Young Fredrick have serious mental issues that goes back a while. I suggest that we keep him here for therapy until his mental state improves". Molly started to cry again. No, the nightmare wasn't over; it had just begun. Fred might have survived but he _wanted _to die. He could try again if he didn't get help.

Bill asked with a weak voice: "Wh-why? Why him? H-he's always laughing, he's a-always happy. Why him? He h-have had a g-good life, r-right?" That only breaked the other Weasleys' hearts even more. The healer sighed.

"Profesor Snape suggested a curse, but there wasn't any trace of alien magic within him, except for the potion and our own healing magic. This can happen to anyone, mister Weasley. It can even be genetic. Something might even have happened without you knowing. It's impossible to tell before we get the chance to talk to him about it. We'll also make sure to help you understand his condition". It felt surreal; this couldn't be happening! At least that's what they tried to tell themselves.

"Can we see him?" Arthur asked the question they all wanted answered.

"He's asleep, but as long as you're not disturbing him, it's alright. Normally only two of you would be allowed at the same time, but that doesn't really feel right. Given the circumstances". She opened the door, but no one dared to move. Instead of being annoyed, she knew that they needed time. "I'm not going to lie to you, the sight will shock you", she said and give them a sympathetic look.

Bill nodded at her and took his mom's hand. "Let's see him. We all need to make sure that we didn't lose him". Molly nodded and let him lead her into the room.

As soon as her eyes landed on her son, she broke down again. Molly let go of Bill and fell down to the floor. Bill grabbed his shirt over his chest and backed into a wall. Fred looked dead. His skin matched the sheets he laid on, his lips were blue, he had purple bags underneath his eyes, his arms were covered in just healed cuts and his wrists were were wrapped up in thick bandages. The only sign of him being alive was the rising and sinking of his chest.

"Why is there a hose in his arm?" Arthur asked; his pale face almost competed with Fred's. Molly didn't even notice when he walked into the room.

The healer answered: "It's for keeping him out of pain. His wounds were pretty bad".

Percy stepped into the room; his eyes were glued to his little brother's arms. "Wh-at are th-those? Why is his wrist bandaged?" It didn't surprise the healer that he wasn't familiar with self-harm. None of them seemed to be, but it made it harder for her.

"Those are self-harm wounds, mister Weasley. He have more on his thighs and lower stomach. He cut his wrists open before he took the poison. And because of it, we had to use the muggle way with stitches. But even when the potion wears off, we still will not remove his scars".

Percy became angry. "You're lying! There is no way he would do this! Someone set him up!"

"There are witnesses, like Severus snape and Professor Dumbledore", she said and Percy's shoulders sagged.

"Why won't you remove them? The scars?" Arthur became angry as well. "You are supposed to heal him! Then I demand that you heal my son!"

"He'll never heal until he's ready to let go of his scars himself! Besides, why should we remove them just so he can replace them? You can take away the scars, but you can't take away the pain", the healer said and left the room. She could hear the crying behind her and felt sick because of how she handled the situation.

As soon as George, Ron and Ginny arrived at st mungo's; George immediately ran to his twin's temporary room with his younger siblings right behind him.

"George!" Ginny exclaimed but George didn't answer her. The only thing he thought about was to see Fred alive.

He didn't stop running when he saw the door because he knew that he would hesitate in fear, if he slowed down and thought about the situation. Bill jumped in surprise as the door flew open and George walked in.

"Bloody hell man! You scared me!" Bill exclaimed but George payed him no mind; his eyes were stuck on the living death on the bed. He hated seeing his twin brother like that.

It was almost impossible to imagine that Fred, his best friend, tried to kill himself, but his arms were enough proof. George had heard about self-harming before, mostly from people who was selling him his cigarettes. Because they asked him if he smoked because he wanted to hurt himself and he answered no, but wanted to know what they meant by that. Seeing it like this however was different. The thought of someone hurting themselves was weird, but the reality of it was ugly and devastating.

Arthur stood in the corner of the room and looked out of the window, Bill stood next to the door and Molly sat on a chair next to Fred's bed and combed through his messy hair with her soft fingers. No Charlie or Percy in sight.

"Hi George", Molly said and gave him a soft smile. Her voice was raspy and worn out; she had been crying a lot.

George knelt down next to Fred and caressed his cheek. "You bloody idiot", he whispered and a few tears fell down his cheeks. "Why would you do this. I... I c-can't go on w-without you. Fucking idiot. Don't try to leave me again. Freddie?" He grabbed Fred's neck and rested his forehead against his. "Wake up so I can slap the stupidity out of you". He let go of him, removed his head and started to trace his fingers over Fred's scars on his left arm. He stopped whispering. "Please... talk to me. W-wake up and t-tell me that you are okay... c-call me a s-sappy h-homo or anything!"

Molly started to tear up again. "Oh George". Her voice was so full of emotions.

Ron and Ginny entered the room. Ginny immediately ran crying to her brother's bedside and buried her face in his chest. Molly started to drag her fingers through Ginny's hair too. Ron still looked emotionless; he always had a hard time showing his feelings.

"Where are Percy and Charlie?" Ron asked while looking anywhere but the bed. "Charlie's still in Romania, but he'll come as soon as he can. Percy went to the restroom to throw up", Bill explained. The twins would normally have made fun of him for that, but the times were different.

"Do we know how this could have happen?" Ron asked; his voice was shaking because his facade was dropping.

"He was depressed, had access to sharp objects and poisons", Bill answered with a shrug.

"William!?" Molly exclaimed and Bill quietly apologized for his boldness.

They all became quiet as a groan emerged from the body on the bed. Molly stopped her movements and both her and Ginny flew up and looked down at Fred.

"He's waking up!" Ginny exclaimed happily. Arthur said something about notifying a healer and ran out of the room. George laughed with tears still falling down his cheeks. They would be okay.

**"Wake up! Freak? Wake up, Freak!"**

Fred opened his eyes and closed them again a couple of times to get used to the lightning in the room.

_"Where am I?" _

**"Knock, knock". **

_"Ugh, who's there?" _

**"You're". **

_"You're who?" _

**"You're not dead! Fucking cunt! Can't do anything right!"**

Fred froze up and started to hyperventilate. _"No! How? This couldn't be true! No! NO! NO! NO!" _

"What's wrong, Freddie?" George asked, confused. Fred looked at him with dead eyes.

"Why am I alive? Why!? What did you do!? I was trying to help you! I SHOULD BE DEAD!" The other Weasleys looked at him shocked; they couldn't believe what they were hearing.

"Fred!?" Molly exclaimed but got ignored.

Fred sat up and looked around like a scared animal. "I shouldn't be here! I wanted to die! I want to die!"

George covered his mouth and took a few steps back. "No, you don't mean that... y-you don't!" George said but Fred started to trash around while screaming that he wanted to die.

"Please Fred!" Molly yelled and started to cry again. This couldn't be her baby boy.

The voice in Fred's head was screaming at him; making him unable to keep up with his surroundings. His movements pulled the needle out of his arm and ripped his stitches open.

"Calm down!" Bill yelled and tried to restrain Fred.

"He won't leave me alone! He told me the truth! Everyone wants me dead!"

"Get help!" Bill yelled at Ron who snapped away from his state of shock and ran out of the room. Bill turned to look at George. "Help me holding him down! Or he'll lose too much blood!" But he couldn't move, he couldn't even hear what Bill was saying. He could only see that his lips were moving.

Ron, Arthur and even Percy arrived with several healers. They pushed Bill away and held Fred down themselves while one of the healers prepared to sedate him. "Get out of here if you're not a healer!" One of them yelled and Arthur and Bill pushed the other Weasleys out of the room.

The door closed and Percy ran off to throw up again. Molly and Ginny cried in each other's arms, Bill tried to snap George out of his trance and Arthur kicked the closest wall.

"Listen to me George", Bill said and shook his younger brother's shoulders. "Talk to me, please. I know you're hurting".

George pushed Bill's hands off him. "D-did you h-hear him!? I can't do this!" With that, George ran away with Bill yelling after him.

"Where is he going!?" Ron yelled angrily. "Fred needs him! He... !" Bill wrapped his arms around Ron and Ron started to cry into his chest. What have happened to their family? Who was this 'he' Fred mentioned? Who dared to hurt his little brother!?

* * *

Next time Fred woke up, he was literally stuck. They had put restraints on his wrists, ankles, stomach and head. "This is unnecessary".

_"Really? Because of what I heard, it was completely necessary". _

Fred tried to look at the direction that the voice came from but the restraints prevented him from doing so. "Did I say that out loud?" Fred asked with a smirk and the other person sighed.

"No, but your face said it all".

"I thought that you couldn't read other people's facial expressions".

"You are an exception".

"Wow, I feel so special", Fred said sarcastically and chuckled like nothing was wrong.

Hermione smiled at him softly while she played with his hair. "You're an idiot, you know that right?" She whispered.

"You have been crying, Mione", Fred said, feeling guilty. "Why's everyone so confusing? Wasn't this the right way?"

Hermione glared at him. "What makes you think that we wanted you dead? Your family is devastated! I _just _finally stopped crying!"

Fred closed his eyes and sighed. "I'm sorry that I hurt you Hermione, but it would be for the best if I died".

Hermione stopped her hand and her eyes widened. "I can't believe what I'm hearing. This doesn't sound like the Fred Weasley I know!"

Fred chuckled. "Then I guess you never knew the real Fred Weasley then! The real Fred Weasley have self-harmed since he was maybe fourteen. The real Fred Weasley have debated if he should jump in front of the train every year when it's time to go back to Hogwarts. The real Fred Weasley is a fucking freak who can't do anything right. The real Fred Weasley lied about not being able to sleep when he in fact just had nightmares about bad memories. Do you remember that I would tell you how I knew that you had an eating disorder if you got better? The real Fred had his _own _eating disorder when he was eleven years old".

Hermione lifted her hand and slapped Fred across his face. The slap echoed in the room. He was shocked, but at the same time he wasn't. Despite the situation, he still looked around the room to try find a way to kill himself. His thoughts were interrupted by Hermione's arms around his middle. Her face was buried in his chest and her sobs created shockwaves through her body.

"That won't make me like you any less", Hermione whispered and Fred's eyes widened. Some of her hair laid on his face. It smelled slightly like apples. He couldn't help but breathe in deeply through his nose. Fred wished that she could look him in the eyes. He needed to see her warm brown orbs.

_"But she doesn't love you, she loves Ron". _Hermione raised her head from his chest and looked into his eyes; just like he wished for. But now when he had eye contact with her; he felt unworthy and worthless. _"She deserves so much more... I'm broken". _

"I need you, Fred", Hermione whispered and kissed his forehead. "I'm so glad that you're alive".


	17. Chapter 17

Hermione was still there the next time Fred opened his eyes. She slept with her head on his chest with one of her hands tightly wrapped around his own. He wanted to play with her soft hair, but he was still restrained. So annoying. He was much more calm now!

Fred suddenly felt sick to his stomach when he thought back to the memories of when he first woke up. The looks on his family's faces almost made him cry. Why did he have to break down like a baby in front of them? George's expression was the worst. Fred hurt him so much. _"I'm the worst human being... okay, right after you-know-who, but does he even counts as a human by now?"_

The door opened and a young female healer entered the room. "Are you feeling okay now, mister Weasley?" Asked she and Fred nodden; glad that she didn't ask the stupid question: _"How are you feeling?" _Frankly, he still felt like shit, but not as much as before (thanks Granger).

The healer walked up to his bedside table. She had a tray with one glass of water and one pill. Just one, and it looked bloody ridiculous because she could've just carried them with her hands. Must have been some kind of hygiene policy or something like that.

The healer put down the tray on the nightstand. "Are you going to behave, mister Weasley? Or are we keeping the restrains on?"

Fred smirked and said: "I can't promise that I'll behave, but I'll try to not throw a tantrum again". She rolled her eyes and started to remove his restraints.

"You'll be restrained for eight hours if you freak out again, understand?" She asked and Fred gulped and nodded. The healer was scary.

The healer picked up the glass and handed it to the boy. "You'll have to take one of these pills everyday to help with your massive blood loss. Another healer will come up with your food and then take you to your first session with a psychologist. Don't look at me like that, it's your fault that you are here". Fred looked down, ashamed.

**_"Who can be so bad at life and at death at the same time? Fucking idiot". _**

Fred groaned and put the glass down before picking up the pill; he didn't want Hermione to let go off his other hand because he needed the moral support from his sleeping beauty (she told him the story about Sleeping Beauty once).

"This is not going to mess my head up, right?" He asked skeptically while taking a closer look at the small capsule between his thumb and index finger.

"It's just iron", she murmured and crossed her arms. "I'm not allowed to leave until you have taken it. You'll probably get a lot of pills later on so get used to it".

Fred sighed and put the pill in his mouth and swallowed it with the water. It felt weird to fill his empty and sore stomach with just slightly cold water. When did he last eat? The healer nodded, took the glass and the tray and left the room. It felt unreal, everything did, but Fred didn't really know the difference between reality and his imagination most of the time. Probably because of his sleeping pattern.

Hermione groaned and moved her head while still being sleep. Fred blushed when he noticed how close her head was to his crotch. "Time to wake up, Mione", he said with a gentle voice and nudged her awake. She sat up straight without letting go of Fred's hand (which had fallen asleep) and blinked a couple of times like a kitten who had just woken up. Fred thought she looked adorable. Hermione turned her head to look at him. Even though the lack of sleep was evident in her face and her hair was messy like a bird's nest; she looked absolutely stunning in his eyes. And no matter how "ugly" she could look, he would always be uglier within.

"Have you been up for long, Fred?" She asked.

"Not really, but breakfast will arrive soon and then I'll meet the mental healer". She quickly glanced at his arms before looking at him again. She probably thought that he hadn't seen that, but he did. He decided not to mention it though, that conversation would make her cry again.

"Are you nervous?" She asked and Fred shrugged.

"Not yet anyway... Hermione?" He said her name nervously.

"What is it Fred?"

"Where is my family?" The question threw her off; she hadn't expected him to bring them up, but she could understand why. He looked like a vulnerable child who needed his mom.

"Your parents must have gone home before you woke up, they were here after you fell asleep. Percy and Bill went to meet up with Charlie, so they'll probably come over later and Ginny and Ron are at the borrow with Harry and your parents probably. They're not ready to go back to school yet". she answered.

He fiddled with his blanked. "And George?" he asked; sounding weak and nervous. Hermione didn't answer. What was she supposed to say? That George ran away and was brought home by their parents? That he refused to come back and visit Fred? "He hates me, doesn't he?" Fred asked sadly and clenched the sheets harder. "Why wouldn't he? There are many reasons for it! Like how I'm a lying fuckup, how I treated him or how a horrible brother I've been to him. You all hate me, I only mess everything up. How much did my parents have to pay for this? I should have just... ".

"Don't you dare say that you should've died!" Hermione cut him off angrily and grabbed the collar of his shirt. "We're all happy that you're alive! Nobody hates you, just whatever made you think that suicide was the answer! George isn't here because of cowardness, it's not about you!" Fred became angry as well and removed her hands from his shirt.

"You didn't see what I saw. I've caused him so much pain so he can't be around me anymore... maybe it's for the best t-too". Hermione stopped being angry, but a male healer entered the room before she could say something else. The male looked quite young and he was carrying a tray with food.

"Good morning, Weasley! I'm Hima. Time to eat!" The guy was way too happy for the other two's liking. The healer put down the tray on Fred's lap. "My college will be here in a minute with a wheelchair that we'll use to take you to Bob with. So eat up, buttercup!"

"I never thought that someone here would hit on me", Fred commented and Hima laughed.

"I'm glad to see that you haven't lost your sense of humor, mister Weasley". Hima looked at Hermione. "Visiting hour is over, but you can stay until he have eaten".

Fred looked up with his mouth full of food and murmured: "I'm not a baby". He winced slightly when he accidently rubbed his sore arm on the covers; a painful reminder. Hermione just sat there in silence as Fred ate.

No one dared to say anything, probably because Hima was in the room. She understood that he needed to be there to make sure that Fred was eating his food (and perhaps not hurting himself with the utensils), but she needed to continue speaking with Fred in private. Fred was depressed, she saw that now, and it scared her to death (no pun intended). _Death _; she hated that word more than ever.

Hima took the plate when Fred was done. "You can come back later, miss Granger", he said and opened the door for her and then followed her out of the room. Silence; the room was silent. Fred had to stop himself from begging them not to leave him alone, because silence is like a blank paper; you can fill it with whatever you want (or don't want).

**_"You're wasting their time. You should just try to end it now before they come back". _**

"Even I'm not that stupid to try that at st mungus; a place where they can just save me again".

**_"But they don't care about you. You're a nuisance to them". _**

"I know, but that doesn't matter! It's their bloody job, they get paid to _save lives. _Besides, the healer will be back in a second. I don't have enough time!"

**_"Too bad they're forced to take care of you. Will you ever grow up or are you going to stay a baby forever?" _**

"I didn't ask for this!" The door opened again and Hima walked in while pushing a wheelchair. He looked confused.

"Who are you talking to?" He asked and Fred didn't know what to say. When did he start to talk out loud when he spoke to _him? _Fred hadn't even noticed. Hima's expression turned to his usual smile again. He rolled the wheelchair to a spot next to the bed. "Time to go, do you need to take a piss before your session?" He asked and Fred shook his head. Hima helped him up from the stiff bed and into the wheelchair.

"Why are my legs so numb?" Fred asked.

"Because of fatigue and lots of drugs", Hima answered and rolled him out of the room.

Fred was silent until they arrived to an office a few stories up. Hima knocked on the door and a voice said; "Come in!" Before Hima wheeled Fred into the room. The "brain doctor" looked pretty young and... stoned. The young man looked like one of those "hippie" people (like the muggles liked to call them) and Fred would have tried to annoy him if he didn't feel so empty.

"You must be Fred Weasley, how are you feeling? I'm Bobba", the hippie jumped down from his desk, walked up to Fred and extended his hand towards him. Fred just frowned at him and Hima saw right away that they shouldn't have given Bobba a second chance at not making people want to kill themselves more. Why did they have to feel bad for him?

"Do you want me to stay in the room, Weasley?" Hima asked and Fred quickly nodded. Bobba looked offended, but continued like nothing had happened.

"I can take care of my own patients!" He whined and Hima sighed before saying; "I'll be standing in the corner" and walked over to a ugly beanbag. Fred didn't like this at all. Why would he ever trust this guy? Is this all a joke to them?

Bobba rolled Fred closer to his desk and sat on it with crossed legs. "You don't need to see me as your superior and boring adult, you can see me as your buddy. You can call me Buddy Babba".

"I refuse to call you that", Fred said while glaring at him. Bobba didn't stop smiling; he was probably used to that kind of response.

"How are you feeling today?" No answer. "What's your favorite hobby?" Again; no answer, but Bobba didn't give up. "What do you think about when I say the word frog?" _"Your face". _Bobba seemed to become desperate when Fred just kept silent. He pouted and said; "You're full of negativity and aggression. That's not good".

"Don't talk to me like I'm a child. Of course I'm full of negativity, I wouldn't have been here if I wasn't. Besides, everyone gets aggressive when they're around you". Hima muffled his laugh.

Bobba didn't appreciate that weapons. "You don't mean that".

"Yes I do. Do you even know why I'm here?" Fred asked and crossed his arms. Hima prepared himself to step in when he saw how hard Bobba had to think. Bobba seemed to think that Fred was there because of anger issues and Hima silently begged that Bobba would just look down at the younger boy's arms before he made the situation worse. No such luck though.

"If you don't stop being so moody, I won't be able to help you", Bobba said and Fred just wanted to rip that pout from his face.

"Aren't you supposed to help me to _not _be moody then? Or do you need me to do your job for you? Are you some kind of joke? It's not funny", Fred said and Bobba almost lost it.

"I'm not a joke, I'm trying to help! So wipe off that negative expression and smile!" Fred looked away from him and clenched his fists tightly. But Bobba wasn't done with him yet. "Moody people attempt to kill themselves, you know. I should be your hero for trying to save you from that!"

Hima stood up. "Bobba, it's enough", but it clearly wasn't. Bobba crossed his arms and his pout made him resemble a smug duck.

"You should be thankful that I take time to try to save your ungrateful as". Fred snapped, he grabbed the collar of Bobba's shirt and tugged him down so his face was just in front of his own.

"You have probably caused more suicides than prevented them! Talking to you only make me wish that I didn't survive even more! Do you know what you make me want to do? I have planned several ways of killing myself this whole time! What would you prefer? That I slit my wrists with your quill, jump out of the window or strangle myself with my own bandages?"

"It's enough!" Hima yelled and dragged Fred away from the now sobbing man. "I'm so sorry for bringing you here, Weasley", he said and wheeled the suicidal and angry boy out of there.

* * *

"I heard the story from Hima", said the middle aged man who sat in front of Fred. Fred didn't really trust men in general, but this man felt better than the last one.

The man, Jules, continued; "Bobba is the son of our boss. He have never been able to help a patient and he have even said things that made them commit suicide. He had a mental breakdown and suffered a 24 hour long psychosis because of drugs. This was his last chance. At least that was what our boss said, but I'm sure he just wanted someone to show Bobba that he isn't ready yet".

"So, you used me? Is that all I'm worth?" Fred asked and tried to hold back his tears. His feelings were worth nothing, they just used him to get rid of an annoying college. Fred felt so let down and worthless. He wanted to hurt himself so badly.

"The medicinal apartment did, that's why I was booked in to talk to you afterwards. We care about you and are upset because we let them do that to you. You probably won't trust us because of this, it's understandable. We don't need to talk about anything today. I'll just give you a few papers to fill in. Think before answering, this is important for your recovery". Jules placed a few sheets of paper, a bottle of ink and a quill on the table in front of Fred. Hesitantly, Fred picked up the quill and started to read the questions:

**Do you feel down most of the time?**

_Yes_

**_"Don't fucking everybody? You're not special!"_ **

"I know, I know. Shut the fuck up so I can concentrate... ".

**Are things you used to be really interested in barely interesting at all?**

_Kinda?_

**_"It's yes or no questions, bloody idiot"._ **

"What am I supposed to answer then!?"

Jules cleared his throat and sighed. "For how long have the voice bothered you?" He asked and Fred's head snapped up to look at him with wide eyes.

"Do you hear him too!?" No one had never heard the voice before, except for Fred himself. Jules shook his head.

"No but you're talking to it from time to time. Hima heard you speak to it earlier and a few other healers have witnessed that you're talking to someone who's no there. Tell me more about the voice". Fred became curious now, why did he have such an interest in the voice?

"He's my conscience. Everyone have one, mine's just a little more aggressive". That really got Jules attention.

"How do you know it's a he? And how is he aggressive?" He asked and Fred shrugged.

"I don't know how I know that. I never questioned about it and he didn't seem to mind. He makes sure that I know when I do wrong and that I get punished for it".

"Does he hurt you, Fred?" Fred felt a lump form in his throat, but also like his heart felt lighter.

Jules asked the question again and Fred answered; "He doesn't have a body. He hurts me verbally, yeah, but I deserve it. That's one of the reasons to why I started to cut".

"One of the reasons?" Jules asked and Fred immediately shut his mouth. He had said too much. But the voice was silent.

* * *

Fred felt exhausted when he came back to his room. His eyes had finally stopped being red from crying and he felt numb. Everything felt complicated and he hated it. Why did Jules want to talk about **him **so much? Fred didn't know what to feel, he just wanted to stop feeling, thinking, _breathing _altogether.

Fred almost cried again when the door to his room opened and Bill, Charlie and Percy came into the room. Their expressions were unreadable but their eyes looked sad and almost _dead _. Charlie ran towards his bedside while Bill and Percy walked slowly.

**_"They might catch you craziness if they get too close! HAHAHAHA! Get it!?" _**

_"That wasn't even clever". _

Charlie sat down next to him and smiled a kind smile. "Hi Freddie. I would have come earlier if I could. I'm sorry for being so late". Fred forced a smile. No one dared to make this moment emotional.

"And people say that _I'm _not reliable", Fred joked and Charlie rolled his eyes.

"Don't flatter yourself", he said and the other two brothers chuckled before Percy said; "Mom and dad will come by later with Ginny. They didn't think that you would be comfortable with too many people in the room at the same time. The golden trio plus Angelina and your other classmates will come by too, but I don't know when. They really miss you at school".

Fred scoffed. "I think the school can survive without my pranks for a while longer. Besides, I'll probably be forced to stay here for a while". Fred suddenly became more timid, and not because of the way his brothers constantly stared at his arms when they thought that he didn't notice. "And George?" The question removed the smiles from his brothers' faces and they looked around the room. They couldn't even look at him. _"George hates me". _"Have I ruined our friendship forever?" Fred asked; sounding a lot like a little child. He wasn't the only one fighting tears; the other three swallowed frequently like they had sour pills stuck in their throats. Fred continued; "I hurt him so much before, he must hate me for all this now".

"He doesn't hate you", Bill said with a shaking voice. "This is just very hard for him. He's just... afraid". This would have been much easier if George had come with them.

"Is he afraid of me?" Asked Fred and laughed a sad laugh. He yawned before anyone could answer him. "I think I'm going to sleep until mom and dad comes. I'm tired. Sorry for not being more social". Fred laid down more comfortably and turned his back towards them.

"We understand", Bill said and started to walk towards the door.

"Don't worry about it", Percy chimed in. Everyone thought the same thing: _"Don't cry, be strong. Just a few seconds left before you can break down" _. However, their plans were interrupted by Charlie who couldn't take it anymore. Sure, his brothers had warned him about the sight but nothing could prepare him for this. Fred could have _died. _And the wounds on his arms? He made them _himself._Charlie started to cry as he wrapped his arms around his younger brother.

"D-don't cry!" Fred exclaimed. "I-I'm not worth y-your tears... I-I". Fred also burst out crying and hugged Charlie back. They probably hadn't done this since they were little children. Bill and Percy also started to cry, but only Percy broke down. Bill tried to look strong even if tears fell down his cheeks. The room was full of sounds and emotions. The voice was silent.

Charlie sat up straight after a couple of minutes of crying. He cupped Fred's cheeks with his hands and wiped away his tears with his thumbs. "You're a bloody idiot", he whispered and Fred couldn't help but whisper; "Well, we are related".

Bill chuckled. "Even in situations like this, you joke like nothing is wrong. I admire you, but don't pretend in front of us. Not anymore". Fred nodded. Could he really stop lying? He had kept this up for so long. This would be hard.

The uneasy feeling the three oldest Weasley children had before they entered Fred's room didn't reduce after the visit. Not at all, it actually grew slightly. Seeing him like that didn't only make the situation more real, but hearing him talk so _darkly _made them more _scared _. Fred was broken and they didn't know what to do. He needed help, but not only theirs. Charlie looked at his brothers. "We have to talk to George. Fred won't believe that we all support him if his best friend refuses to see him".


	18. Chapter 18

A little more than one week after Fred's suicide attempt, mr and mrs Weasley sat in their son's psychologist's office. Fender Jules looked serious; he was trying to prepare himself. Molly and Arthur sat uneasy on their uncomfortable seats. They were glad that they would finally get some answers regarding their son's mental health, but they were also nervous because that it was most likely bad news. Jules didn't look like he was going to say something to ease their pain.

"We still have to investigate, but we have some strong theories about Fred that we really think are correct", Jules began to say and wet his lips. The couple prepared themselves for the worst. "Except for showing strong signs of chronic depression and anxiety, we have detected strong symptoms of schizophrenia and possibly borderline personality disorder". Arthur and Molly exchanged a confused look before looking at Jules again.

"What does that mean?" Arthur dared to ask with his raspy voice. It was pretty early in the morning so he was still tired.

Jules cleared his throat before explaining: "We decided to diagnose Fred with depression because of, not only his self-harming behavior and attempt at his own life, but because of the talks he have with me where he speaks about his low self-esteem and constant sadness and apathy. He shows signs of anxiety because of his fidgeting, stressed out behavior and frequent panic attacks. That much is clear, but I believe that I have to teach your more about the other disorders, in case it turns out that your son suffers from them", Jules said. Molly hated this, she hated this life right now. "Schizophrenia is a disorder that makes you see the reality differently. Main symptoms are that you have psychosis, which means a heavy version of hallucinations. You can see, hear and even feel things that aren't really there". Both Molly and Arthur were taken over by a numb, but cold feeling and Molly felt like she was about to cry again.

"Wh-why do you th-think th-that my s-son have th-that?" She asked. Did he call her son_ crazy? _

Jules sighed. "Fred says that he hears a voice that's talking to him. I think it's the main cause of his mental health issues. Before you ask, no, no one cursed him. Many people get this, muggles and witches and wizards alike". Jules put two folders with papers on his desk in front of the couple. "This is basic information about both schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder so you can read through them to learn about your son's condition. You can ask me if there's something you don't understand". Hesitantly, Arthur picked up one of the folders and looked at Jules suspiciously.

"You didn't tell us why you think that Fred have borderline something".

"A lot of the symptoms fits in on him. Doesn't mean that he have it, but we'll look into it. Like we'll see if he have bipolar disorder, PTSD and maybe some sort of eating disorder. He's underweight, but claims that it's mostly because of his depression and not body image". Molly's hands started to shake as she picked up the other folder and started to read in silence. Arthur started to read his as well.

**_Borderline Personality disorder_**

_Borderline personality disorder is an emotional instability that often changes from different moods. Not to be confused with bipolar disorder where your state of mind changes in different periods._

_Usual symptoms are:_

_Strong fear of being left behind._ _Defect, ruined or unstable self image._ _A frequent feeling of emptiness._ _Powerful mood swings._ _Strong irritation, anxiety or sadness that can stay from a few hours to a few days._ _Stormy relationships that goes back and forth between intense admiration and extreme patronizing._ _Intensive wrath that doesn't stand in proportion to whatever causes it._ _Short term suspicious performances or ongoing experiences of doubting reality._ _Impulsive behavior that can lead to abuse of drugs, sex, money, food and more._ _Self-destructive behavior like self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Ongoing self-harming and frequent suicide attempts._

Molly felt a huge lump form in her throat. Attempt**s** , not _one _attempt, but several. Would Fred continue self-harming and try to kill himself!? She knew that she would never be able to go through that again. What if he actually succeeds!? Arthur didn't have a better time reading the other file.

**Schizophrenia**

_Schizophrenia is a form of psychosis, when you live through reality in another way than other people. Schizophrenia lasts at least six months but often stays throughout life. It's most common that the symptoms become more bearable after a few years._

_Usual symptoms are:_

_Have a painful feeling that you're drastically changing within and you don't know who you are anymore._ _Withdraw from being social, from family and friends._ _Loss of will to study or work for long periods without any explanation._ _Seems to have a different experience of reality. Like seeing or hearing things that doesn't exist._ _Spend long periods with thinking about life in a depressive or anxious way._ _Gets several unexplainable emotional outbursts._

Only one thought clouded Arthur's mind; keeping him from having his own outburst. He voiced it out loud with his teeth pressed together; "How did Fred react to you telling him about this?"

Once again, Jules cleared his voice. "When I told him that I suspected that he had Borderline and then told him what it was, he answered that it pretty much was him in a nutshell". Molly visibly gulped. Her baby, why him? Jules continued. "When I told him about the other disorder however, he became quiet. Then he looked at me with an expression full of confusion, fear, horror... but also a huge sense of relief and doubt. Something I was not surprised to see. Then he asked me to tell him more".

* * *

Lee picked up another card from the bag and started to read out loud; "I hope that you're feeling better, we miss you at school xoxoxo". Fred almost choked on his food when he chuckled. Angelina had to hit his back hard and Katie looked at him like he was the biggest idiot in the world. That was a look that Fred received rather often these days; they thought that he was stupid for trying to die.

"Who was the letter from?" Angelina asked and Lee shrugged.

"Some Layla chick or something. Another complete stranger I assume".

Fred asked: "Why do I get all this from people who are total strangers?" and pointed at the huge mountain of chocolate, letters and other things from Hogsmeade. It did annoy him a little that everyone only showed concern because they probably felt like they almost had his blood on their hands. Luckily, it didn't seem like the girls who almost... well, the girls from the bathroom incident sent anything (like threats for his silence or something like that). However he didn't know their names so they might as well had sent fake sympathy to him, and that made him even more annoyed.

Lee smirked. "Maybe they all are in your head?" Katie yelled at Lee and Angelina hit him hard on the back of his head.

Fred shrugged. "You can see them too, so I doubt it". _In your head. _Fred still had a hard time believing it; how can hearing and seeing things that doesn't exist be normal? Okay, normal may be a wrong way to put it. It's not like the average human hears voices.

**_"But you're not the average human, are you?" _**

_"You're not real". _

**_"I'm real for you, so does it really matter?" _**

_"... ". _

**_"You are sick, but I'm not part of the problem. YOU are". _**

Fred groaned.

"I'm sorry", Lee said. "That was a low blow".

Fred nodded. "Yeah, pretty much. But what are we supposed to do, eh? Joking about me being nuts are our way of dealing with it".

"You being nuts won't get rid of us though", Katie said. "Oliver told us to tell you that from him as well".

Fred scratched his neck nervously. "I'm kicked out of the team, aren't I?" He said, but Angelina shook her head. "No, but we have a temporary replacement until you're well enough".

"He should kick me out though, no way the teacher's gonna let me ride on a broom again", Fred said and his friends became quiet. Fred being on suicide watch was the elephant in the room. He kept his arms under the covers so they would stop glaring at his wounds (and to make him less tempted to rip them open). "Why are you all still here anyway? I'm not good to be around", Fred said and looked down at the ugly cover. "There is no reason for me to lie anymore when I'm technically stripped naked in front of you. I'll just bring you all down with me".

Angelina grabbed his shoulders violently. "I don't know what ridiculous thoughts are smashed into that thick and stubborn skull of yours, but listen real closely!" She shook him until he looked up at his three glaring friends; gulping.

**_"They should be mad at you! They have to leave you!" _**

"When you agree to be friends with someone, you sign a contract. If you sign that contract, you are willing to accept the flaws as well. WE signed that contract, and we won't leave you!" Angelina yelled in his face.

"Yeah! Get that through your head!" Katie said and Lee nodded. "So stop trying to get out of YOUR end of the contract! We won't allow you to leave us". Suddenly Angelina stopped being angry and let go of Fred's pale shoulders. She was just about to say something when the door opened and the third part of the golden treo entered the room. Fred's eyes brightened up when they landed on Hermione and Hermione smiled at him gently. Angelina looked from Fred to her with a knowing smile and ruffled Fred's hair. "We have to go back, take care of yourself wifey", She said and dragged Lee and Katie out of there. Hermione walked right over to Fred and sat down beside him.

They had fought a lot during his stay at st Mungus, but they always smiled when they saw each other. _"She deserves someone less broken than me... you know that you're pathetic when your OWN thoughts thinks that". _

**_"You sound pretty sane for once". _**

* * *

"I have managed to gain more weight this week", Hermione said and Fred wrapped one arm around her; forgetting for a moment about the damaged skin.

"I'm proud of you, how are you feeling about it though". Hermione looked away from him.

"I was thinking and concluded that making me thinner won't make me more appealing. And frankly I don't mind that. Of course it feels wrong, but I just have to manage through it. I think my guilt helped me a lot".

Fred raised an eyebrow. "Guilt?"

"Yeah, that the shattered one tried to help the broken one. I didn't help you like I should".

"Please don't say that Hermione", Fred said with a weak voice. But she didn't seem to hear him.

"I mean, my biggest problem is my waist while you actually have real problems! You were on your deathbed two weeks ago and have almost four confirmed diagnoses, FOUR! Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't leave you even if you had one hundred diagnoses that gave you giant warts, five hands and a striped tail, but I should have been a better friend! I-I shou... ". Fred cupped her cheeks and pushed his lips against hers. Her eyes widened as he tilted his head. _"Fuck it! What have I left to lose?" _Hermione closed her own eyes and buried her hands in his newly washed hair (she had expected it to be greasy, but the healers probably forced him to take a shower). She tilted her head and parted her lips slightly so he could push his tongue in her mouth. Fred pulled her to him so she was straddling his lap. Hermione placed her hands on his shoulders and he placed his around her back and pulled her closer. Fred kept all thoughts out of his head so he could enjoy himself; this might've been his only chance. Only the positive feelings could stay. It felt like he had finally been fed after years of starvation. The self-loathing, responsibilities, insecurities, self-harm itch, thoughts about George and more left his head and for the first time in a long time... he started to feel a little more _human _.

Hermione pulled away when Fred yelped in pain because his stitches got tangled in her hair. "Oh I'm sorry!" She said, mortified, and started to try separating them.

"Ouch be careful Granger!" Fred glared at her and started to try pulling himself free with his other hand.

"You're pulling my hair, Weasley!"

It took a couple of minutes before they managed to separate with Hermione's hair still attached to her head and Fred's stitches still intact. They looked at each other before they burst out laughing. "It's kind of messed up that this is funny to us", Hermione said and rested her forehead on his. "I'm not hurting you with my weight, am I?"

Fred laughed and pecked her forehead. "You don't weight so much. Joking about this kind of stuff makes it all easier. I kinda like you being on top of me". Fred wiggled his eyebrows and Hermione hit his shoulder lightly.

"You're lucky that you're cute, Weasley".

Fred chuckled. "Why do people only call me cute when they're threatening me like this?" Hermione thought that she imagined the look in Fred's eyes when he said _threatening. _She laid down on his chest with her head right above his heart. He wrapped one arm around her and played with her hair with the other hand. "Does this mean that I can finally call you my girlfriend?" Fred asked nervously and Hermione chuckled.

"Finally? For how long have you liked me?" Despite how calm she looked, she was burning up. Red cheeks, boiling blood, violently beating heart and a doubtful feeling because she couldn't believe that this was happening to her.

"I don't know", Fred answered honestly. "For a very long time at least. For how long have you liked me back?"

"I think it started around the time we starting to talk to each other", Hermione answered before her eyes widened. "Oh my God, I'm sorry! You have tried to help me with my love problems with Ron while you... ".

"It's alright Hermione", Fred assured and buried his face in her hair. "So... ?"

"So yes, I agree to being your girlfriend. But then I want you to be honest with me and don't be afraid to share your thoughts and feelings. Our _therapy sessions _can't be one-sided if this is going to work".

Fred didn't say anything for a couple of minutes. Then he said: "I can't promise that I'll tell you everything at the same time. I will tell you, but in my own pace. I do trust you, but... ".

"It's okay, I understand", she said with a reassuring smile. Fred felt really happy, and for once he didn't feel bad about being happy either.


	19. Chapter 19

A/N: The song is called 602 by KSMB if you are wondering when you read it. The song is not in English though, it's just my translation.

* * *

Fred Weasley wasn't the only idiot in the Weasley family, that much was clear. It was all written in Charlie's face as he looked down at his younger brother on the couch. "You're an idiot, George". George glared up at him. He looked horrible; his hair was messy, his face was sunken in and he looked like death... or like Fred did when he arrived at st mungus (minus the self-harming, thank God). Charlie continued: "I know you feel like total shit. I feel like the worst big brother in the world right now. But how bad we might feel, he's feeling a thousand times worse. I know it's hard to... ".

"Know what!?" George exclaimed and stood up. "You weren't there when he woke up! You have no idea!" Charlie looked down ashamed.

"I'm sorry George, but... ". George ran to his room before Charlie could finish his sentence.

Hogwarts was on hiatus for a while because of the _incident _. They tried to continue like usual, but Dumbledore announced that the students should have some time off. It was clear that Fred's suicide attempt shook the whole school. So all the Weasleys, plus Harry and Hermione, were currently occupying the burrow. Barely anyone was smiling nowadays.

George locked the door and laid down on Fred's bed; he had been sleeping there for at least one week. It made him feel closer to Fred without actually meeting up with him. George knew he was a coward, but could you blame him? The most important person in the world to him was hurting and said straight to his face that he wanted to _die _. George couldn't go through that again.

He was about to close his eyes when something underneath the mattress caught his sight; something he hadn't noticed before.

* * *

Fred woke up in the middle of the night and covered his mouth so no one could hear him scream. So fucking stupid. Sweat covered his body, drowning him in his own shame. Nightmares clouded his vision still even if he was awake. No sleeping medication to keep them at bay. The therapy sessions scratched the surface and opened pandora's box. All his self-hatred and dark emotions could hunt him freely at night.

**_"Why did you ask Hermione to be your girlfriend? She deserves so much more! Do you hate her? Do you want her to suffer!?" _**

"No!"

**_"George was smart enough to leave you behind. She's a genius! She'll figure it out in no time! You are her mistake!" _**

"Shut up!" Fred pulled down his pants and started to scratch his thighs violently.

**_"You are a mistake!"_**

* * *

George reached out and grabbed the piece of paper sticking out. Someone, probably Fred, had scribbled messily over the whole paper. It seemed to be coming from a notebook. A painful feeling filled his stomach but he started to read anyway. Oh boy, that was a mistake.

**He says I'm gay, is it because I cry about it like a girl? I don't like boys! They hurt me! "Fred is a fucking fag. Fred the dirty fag. You're a fag Freddy!"** **It says. Boys are mean! They take what they want and likes to hurt people! He's hurting me!**

George raised an eyebrow. He was told that Fred had schiffo... scizfro... something that made him hear a voice (which made George feel extremely guilty and made him cry himself to sleep but no one needed to know that) but was Fred really talking about _just _the voice? Where did Fred's hatred for men come from? He might've met those one of those angry feminists. The next sentence turned George's blood cold.

_Filthy weak little faggot,_

_get buried, get eaten by maggots!_

It looked like Fred had written it when he was much younger, was he suicidal already then? "Where was I!?" George exclaimed and tried to swallow the lump in his throat. The text continued:

_Disgusting and worthless,_

_filthy and hopeless,_

_cut, cut, cutting to appease,_

**_kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself please!_**

George couldn't hold back his tears any longer.

_Disgusting and worthless,_

_filthy and hopeless,_

_cut, cut, cutting to appease,_

**_kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself please!_**

The short "poem" was repeated several times.

_Disgusting and worthless,_

_filthy and hopeless,_

_cut, cut, cutting to appease,_

**_kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself please!_**

It felt like a soulless choir repeated the words over and over again until George ripped the paper to shreds. He screamed and clutched the pieces in his hands. Someone was running up the stairs.

* * *

Blood dripped down Fred's thighs and the door flew open. That's what you get for screaming out loud when you're talking to the voice. Instead of fighting the healers, Fred stopped scratching and buried his head in his hands as he cried. Someone grabbed his arms gently and lifted his shin with two fingers as the healers attended his new wounds. It was Hima. Fred broke down and wrapped his arms around the older male, who returned the desperate hug. "I can't d-do this... M-make h-him stop, make h-him stop!" Fred sobbed loudly. Hima signed to the healers that they wouldn't sedate him. Because that would only make it worse in the long run, Fred needed to let himself take a break. How could they teach him that his emotions were okay to show if they just sedated him everytime he showed them? The healers left when Fred was patched up; they were annoyed at the fact that they weren't allowed to heal them completely. Hima stayed. Fred was thankful, but he wanted George or Hermione.

* * *

The door the to the twins' bedroom flew open and Molly and Ginny entered the room just to find their broken brother and son on Fred's bed. George was crying silently, wrapped up in his own limbs with a distant look in his eyes. "Oh George", Molly said with a voice full och sadness and wrapped her arms around George who didn't return the hug. Molly made him sit up with his back against her chest as she rubbed small circles on his back with one hand and played with his hair with the other. Ginny sat down in front of him and rested her head on his chest with her arms around his torso.

"It's okay to cry George", Ginny assured before adding jokingly: "I won't tell our brothers about this".

George chuckled through his tears before he asked: "Am I a bad person?" Molly stopped her movements.

"Why would you think that?" She asked.

"Because I'm too weak to see him?" He felt how the arms around him tightened.

"You're not a bad person, George", Ginny said. "People heal differently, you need some time to think before you talk to him and we understand. He misses you as much as you misses him". That last sentence made George feel even more guilty, but he also felt warm for the first time since the incident. Could he really face his brother after this? _"You would have wanted Fred to visit you if the roles were reversed". _George's eyes widened. His brothers told him often that Fred asked after him. And he just ignored those cries? Because he couldn't believe them? Suddenly, music filled their ears. A kind of music George had never heard before. He couldn't care less until a voice started to sing.

_"I lie at home in my bed one ordinary day_

_Around me there's thousands of people and here there's just me_

_My body cries out for sleep but my mind says no_

_Cuz I think that I'll never again meet someone like you_

_You showed me something that I didn't think existed_

_Something that made the awfulness vanish_

_You shook my head and made my pupils big_

_And took me to a place where you do what the hell you want_

_And it lasted so briefly and now I want it one more time_

_So take me to the world where you can do do what you want"._

George didn't know why but he started to hyperventilate. The tone in the voice sounded so emotionless, so _done... _just like Fred. Ginny looked up at him, confused. "What is it, George?" But he couldn't say anything.

_"The police came and yelled and punched and spat on me_

_It was two days ago when I stood and waited for you_

_They said: "What are you doing here?"_

_I said: "Standing's allowed."_

_They said: "Beat it, you swine."_

_I said: "Why?"_

_So now I'm beaten black and blue outside and in_

_So please take me there where you get to do what you want_

_Those places you went, that's where I used to go_

_Those streets where I saw you, that's where I used to stand_

_But I haven't seen you though I stood there years and a days_

_There's a chance of meeting you but it's minimal"._

George really started to panic as a lot of "what if" scenarios filled his head. He had to keep reminding himself that this part of the song couldn't be about him because Fred was still _alive. _Molly also noticed that something was wrong. "George?" George didn't seem to hear her.

"He's not dead! He's not dead!" George exclaimed and clutched his ears; trying to keep the noises out. But he couldn't.

"Mom! Listen to the song!" Ginny exclaimed when she finally understood what was going on.

_"I saw you die in the fall and I think I'll come along_

_But I'm only 21 and you were 23_

_But unhappy people, they're often an imposition_

_And we're probably too weak to withstand this_

_But I would sooner be there than to live another day_

_So take me to the world where you can do as you want"._

Molly flew up from the bed with wide eyes. "That must be from that new muggle thing Arthur brought home... Arthur! Turn it off! NOW!" Molly yelled before hurrying out of the room. Molly continued to shout as she ran down the stairs. Ginny wrapped her arms around George as he shook violently. The song only hit him harder when the singer kept singing.

_"Some write poems, some shout "LIVE"_

_Some sing songs but me, I write letters_

_The letter that I wrote is the last that I did_

_But there's little to say because everything went so fast"._

George's thoughts went to that note he read earlier and everything became more real.

_"It's written to myself and to the only other human_

_You who showed me the world where you can do as you want"._

George stood up so quickly that Ginny fell off the bed. He picked up a bat, that he usually used when the family played quidditch at home, and walked out of the room. Ginny called out his name, but he didn't slow down. With heavy steps he walked down the steps and into the living room. One panicked father, one furious mother and three (either crying or panicking) brothers stood around a small box like thing; the source for the music. "Turn it down Arthur! It freaks our children out!" Molly yelled while trying to calm her sons down. George noticed that the golden treo weren't there. Lucky them.

"I'm trying, Molly! I'm trying!" Arthur yelled while pushing and twisting buttons. But the sound only got louder.

_"Yeah, the light they're going to light on the street outside_

_Yeah, the light they're going light on the day when I die!_

_Cuz then goes out all my worry! then goes out all my need!_

_Then goes out all the shit! and so then I'm dead!"_

George yelled at them to get out of the way and they did (barely) before he started to smash the metal box over and over again as his family stared in horror as pieces of the muggle device flew in every direction every time George swung the bat downwards. But it wasn't just a muggle thing George destroyed. In his mind; it was himself, his cowardness, his selfishness, that he wasn't there for his brother... everything!

"George? George!" Bill called and grabbed the bat before yanking it violently from George's iron grip. "It's gone now". But George's hands were still shaking. George looked down at the floor so his bangs covered his eyes. Arthur took a few steps closer and put his hand on his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, George. I... I had n-no idea it would... ". It sounded like Arthur was close to tears, but so was George. Before anyone could react, George shrugged his hand off and ran out of the house as fast as he could.

* * *

"You know Fred, an addict never just stops. It takes time", Jules said from Fred's bedside and Fred looked at him from the corner of his watery eyes. His lips remained shut. "But in that time, it will be relapses. Just because you have the urge to hurt yourself so soon after we started the mission to help you get clean, it doesn't mean that all hope is lost. Even people that _really _wants to stop have relapses. It's normal". Fred turned his whole head to look at Jules this time.

"What makes you think that I don't want to get better?" He asked with a raspy voice.

"I never said that you didn't".

"No, but you implied it", Fred answered back and looked back at the wall in front of him again.

"You don't think that you can get better, you have lost hope a long time ago", Jules said and Fred sighed.

"You're going to tell my parents about this, aren't you?"

"They already know, so no need to beg me to stay silent", Jules said and gave him an apologetic smile. "Let's talk about your family. Remember, whatever you say stays here unless it's okay with you", Jules said and Fred nodded.

"What about them?"

"Have there been many fights in the family?" Fred sighed.

"Not more than other families. Sure, me and George have been scolded a lot for our pranking and siblings fight quite often. But we love each other. I grew up really well, despite not having much money... but the war caused my family a lot of troubles". That really caught Jules attention.

"The war? What do you mean?" Fred took a shaky breath and looked at him.

"I remember times when my oldest brother Bill would take me and my siblings to a place to hide every time deatheaters came and knocked down our door".

"Did you ever see the deatheaters? Did you see them do anything to your parents or your siblings?" Fred looked down at his lap and nodded.

"Yeah, kinda".

Jules thought quietly for a while before he dared to ask: "The deatheaters, they are covered in black clothing and smoke, right?" Fred frowned but nodded anyway. Jules swallowed nervously, begging in his head that his theory was wrong. "So... kind of like those black figures you see sometimes? The ones in your head?" Fred's eyes widened and he raised his head and stared at Jules.

"But you told me those weren't real", He said and Jules shook his head.

"They aren't, but memories can play a trick on you. When did you say that you started to hear a voice now again?"

* * *

George didn't stop running until he fell over a rock and stumbled down a small hill. He landed on his forearms but his long sleeved shirt prevented him from getting scratches. His knees were damp and sore though. George sat up, folded his knees to his chest and buried his tearstained face in them. That song stung in more ways than one. Sometimes it felt like it was voiced by Fred during his suicide attempt... and sometimes it felt like it could have been George if Fred had _succeeded _. George would no doubt fall into a similar depression; he couldn't live without Fred. They basically shared one life; every sad second and happy moment.

George looked up at the sky as the wind blew through his hair; he needed a haircut. He unwrapped his arms from around him and put them on the grass on each side of him. However a sharp pain in his left hand made him take it back. "Ow!" He cradled the hand to his chest and took a few deep breaths before looking at his hand. The wound was very shallow and barely bleeding; it was more of a surprise than a painful experience. George looked down at the grass and picked up a piece of some vase. Who broke a vase in the middle of nowhere? Instead of throwing it away, he just stared at it. _"I don't understand it... If Fred was the one sitting here with this in his hand, would he even hesitate to hurt himself with it?" _That train of thoughts made him feel sick. George looked down at his hand. Just a little scratch like that hurt enough for him to not want anything to do with the sharp object, but Fred was _addicted _to it. George brought it to his wrist but couldn't break the skin. There was no voice in his head that said that he needed to do this, only the voices of his loved ones telling him not to. "I would never be able to do it anyway", George said and threw it away. Tears started to fall again. Fred had gone for so long without anyone telling him that _this _wasn't the answer. Fred _. _He had to see him, Fred had to now. George stood up with clenched fists and hurried back to the house.

* * *

Hermione stepped into Fred's room with something tucked under her arm. "What do you have there, Granger?" Fred asked curiously and angled himself to get a better look. Hermione gave him a warm smile.

"It's just some chocolate. I got it for a good prize and thought that we could share". Fred made an embarrassed face and clutched his chest.

"I can't believe my boyfriend got me chocolate while I'm at st Mungus!"

"Do you wish that I was a boy that badly?" Hermione answered back and rolled her eyes while smiling as she sat down on a chair next to his bed. Fred thought that she looked really good today. Her curly hair was in a ponytail, she wore a red flannel shirt, tight black pants (not that he had looked down there, what do you take him for?) and bright red lipstick.

"If I had known that it was a date then I would've put on make up as well", Fred joked and she punched his shoulder lightly.

"I wanted to look human for once when I visit you, I mostly look drained. Is it too much? Or too little?" Fred chuckled and took her hand.

"You look stunning as usual, and more healthy than you have done since I got here and I'm very happy about it. I dig the lipstick", he said and pecked her lips before she could say something. He loved that he was allowed to do that now. But his insecurities turned his smile into a frown.

"Did they force you to cut your nails this short?" Hermione asked and raised their joined hands. Despite the seriousness in her voice, her cheeks were tainted pink from the short kiss. He probably didn't look much different.

Fred nodded. "Yeah, either that or they would remove my nails completely", Fred said and shuddered.

There was a pause before Hermione started to talk; "We don't need to talk about _why, _I can guess. But there is some things we need to talk about and decide if we want to persuade a relationship together".

Fred chuckled. "You're analyzing this far too much, Mione. But I think I know what you're talking about. Boundaries and stuff, right?" He asked.

"Sort of. First of all, are we letting people know or keeping it a secret? Don't think I'm ashamed of you! I just don't want you to get any unnecessary stress and... ".

"I don't really feel the need to tell anyone, but I'm not keeping it a secret either", Fred said and shrugged. "People will figure it out eventually... ".

"Yeah and that takes us to the next thing... how are we going to tell Ron?" Both sat there in silence. Fred had forgotten about what Ron would think and now he felt even worse. Hermione suggested that she would tell him and Harry at the same time WITHOUT Fred there.

"Why can't I be there? I'll promise to keep my mouth shut", Fred said, obviously not liking the idea of his little brother being too close to his _girlfriend. "I'm still not used to calling her that". _

"It's not you I'm worried about", Hermione said. "Honestly? Ron is impulsive and will probably either attack you physically or verbally... But, I don't know many boys who wouldn't react that way. IF he even likes me that way, we could be wrong".

"Hermione", Fred said and looked into her eyes. "Not to recommend him or anything, but he _does _like you that way. I don't think Ron would be able to try to beat me up. He might be getting taller than me but we're a little more close than that... which reminds me, you're pretty much dissing a big strong man for me. Does that count as desperation?"

"No it doesn't", Hermione answered and laughed. "Two insecure people getting together, our relationship in a nutshell". Fred couldn't help but smile at that. She continued; "I'm more worried about what he would _say _to you. He can really say things he doesn't mean when he's angry and we don't need to feed the voice in your head with more things against you. I have a feeling that you're doing it enough on your own".

"How come you're talking about the voice like he was something normal?" Fred asked. Most people liked to remind him that it was all in his head, but Hermione made it sound like an actual person who could gather things on his own.

Hermione shrugged. "He may not be real for me, but he's real for you. He can still hurt you so I really hope that he could just disappear... is he talking right now?" She looked around the room like she was looking for someone (Fred had mentioned that he could see those black figures /death eaters/whatever sometimes).

"He's currently humming to the classical music next room", Fred answered. Apparently the voice liked that kind of music. Hermione rested her head on his chest.

"That's better than the usual. Let's continue with our talk. I have to be honest with you about personal space". She sat up again and Fred nodded in understanding. It _was _understandable. Hermione had probably never been in a serious relationship before, she wasn't very physical with her friends, she wasn't always feeling very attractive (she was slowly recovering from an eating disorder after all) and the most obvious of all; she almost got raped recently. The thought of Krum made Fred's blood boil. But attacking him again wouldn't be that smart for 1. Hermione wouldn't want that. 2. He would get beat up because he only got lucky last time. "First of all, keep the PDA to a minimum... not like you're going to do that".

"You got that right, Granger".

"And I'm not really ready for... you know... _intimacy _". Hermione refused to look him in the eyes.

He smirked at her cuteness. "Never thought you would be this embarrassed to talk about it. Nor did I think you would be this nervous to tell me, I feel hurt", Fred said and covered his heart dramatically. Hermione still refused to look at him.

"Well, I thought you would get disappointed. I assumed that you... have intercourse quite often?" There was some jealousy behind her words this time. Fred kissed her lips a little longer this time around.

"Nah. You're lucky that I'm not about that life". She looked at him with a confused frown.

"Really? I have seen you with a lot of girls".

"I barely go passed kissing on the cheek with more than half of them", Fred confessed and scratched his neck. "I'm not a prude or anything. I guess my first time kind of scared me off... ". His eyes widened when he accidently let the last sentence out and covered his mouth with his hands to prevent himself from screaming. Fred wanted to bite his palms until they bled, but he feared what the healers might do to his teeth. Hermione was even more curious now.

"Was she that bad?" Hermione sounded a little insecure, like the bar was high to satisfy him. Despite every part of him screaming at him to shut up, he wanted to tell her the truth. She deserved to know how disgusting he was as early as possible. She would discover sooner or later. "Fred?" Hermione said and Fred cupped her cheeks and brought her down for a long and passionate kiss. He tried to put all his emotions in it and she happily kissed him back. She pulled back a few seconds later but she was still close enough for him to feel her breath on his lips. "What was that for?" She asked and he hugged her tightly.

"I just want to hold you before you get disgusted by me", Fred answered and breathed in her perfume. She was confused and shocked; why would he think that?

"Why would I be disgusted with you?" He let her go and she sat up straight to get a better look at him. He was fidgeting nervously and refused to look into her eyes.

"As you probably have picked up, I have only had sex once, but I didn't lose my virginity". Hermione couldn't come up with why he felt the need to tell her this, but it seemed important.

"What do you mean?" Right after she asked that question, a cold and painful feeling in her stomach made her want to take those words back. Hermione wouldn't like the answer, but she _needed _to know. For both of their sakes. Fred chuckled and scratched his neck.

"Well first of all, I was eleven". He looked out of the window with a forced smile. "And I didn't lose it, it was stolen". The room got silent until Hermione dropped the chocolate, that caused a small echo. She understood, she was a _genius _after all.

* * *

It took a while before Hermione left him to his own devices again. Well, she never usually left quickly, but it felt different this time. There was a certain hesitation in her movements that wasn't there before. Not that he wanted to admit it, but it felt a little like she was scared that he would disappear if she looked away from him. Not that he could blame her, he just revealed another fucked up thing about him. It felt like people thought he would break more and more every time he opened up about this. Not entirely an odd assumption because he felt worse while talking about those things… but he felt better afterwards… followed by doubts about if he should've have shared anything at all. Yes, was the answer, yes he should. It was a good thing, he had to continue telling himself that.

It made no sense that it felt weird to Fred to be alone, now when Hermione was no longer in the room. He had felt alone for a long time… or no he hadn't. In a way it was true, but he had always had the voice with him.

The door opened, but Fred didn't feel like acknowledging the person who came into his room. Fred felt too tired to pretend to want to talk to anyone (maybe Hermione, but he doubted that it was her). However, the other person didn't say anything. The only sound they made was the sound of the door closing again behind them. Fred dismissed his plan of ignoring the person in favor of his own paranoia. Who was is? "Is it a healer?" He asked and silently begged that the crack in his voice didn't make him sound more pathetic than he felt. "Because family usually say hi or something".

"Is that your way of disowning me as your twin", said a familiar voice in a half joking manner.

Fred immediately flew up into a sitting position. His eyes landed on the ghost of his brother standing, fidgeting nervously, close to the door like he was too afraid to get any closer. Yes, ghost was a fitting description. George looked a lot like how the others had described how Fred looked when he was admitted to the ward. This was some sort of irony.

Fred looked down at his lap shyly. "I guess that questions means that you're not disowning me as _your _twin", he answered. "I thought I bought too much of my mess for you to want to stay. I understand that you ran away, this was unfair to you".

"Are you really trying to be the one who apologizes? Now?" George asked with narrowed eyes as he walked up to the bed. "Even if I feel like a terrible person for running away, it wouldn't have been as horrible if I hadn't ignored you".

"I missed you", Fred said quietly while blinking more and more frequently in an attempt to dry out his watering eyes. He had just had an emotional moment before George arrived. He was afraid of what would happen. Even if he logically knew that George was there to mend things, he couldn't help but fear that George was there to either belittle or actually disown him. George wasn't that kind of person, so why was Fred's mind making him like that?

If Fred had looked up at George he would've been able to see the guilt in his eyes. "I missed you too. Seems like I put us both through misery".

"Nothing I haven't already done".

"So I'm still in your shadow when it comes to this as well?"

Fred didn't know what was worse; that the conversation got so much darker or because it felt _right _to _joke _about it. "I'm glad you're here now", Fred said in an attempt to change back to the main subject of their conversation. "I'm sorry your brother is such a fuck up".

"Ron isn't that bad", George answered (a little too quickly). "He just need a little love and patience".

Fred chuckled. "You know what I mean".

"I thought I made it clear that you're not the one who's supposed to apologize here".

Fred chuckled and extended his hand in George's direction, but not enough so his arms was exposed from under the covers. "You came back, you don't need to apologize. So truce?"

George rolled his eyes. "I apologize anyway because who knows what your brain will turn this into later? I want to give you less reasons to think that we're all against you. I am sorry, I truly am. Maybe you could convince me, or at least try, that other people - even _you- _might have done the same thing. Running away and not returning immediately, but that doesn't mean that anyone should excuse what I did. I will try to be here from now on".

Fred was about to lower his hand, a unconscious movement on his part, when George grabbed it and pulled it out more so the skin on his arm was exposed. They shook hands before Fred retreated his hand back to under the covers. "You have no idea how happy I am that I'm not crying for once", Fred commented. Not that he wasn't close to crying, but so far it hadn't gone further than a burning feeling in his eyes that he could rapidly blink away. George seemed to be in a similar situation.

They stared at each other for a few awkward seconds before George dived down and wrapped his arms around Fred who was shocked at first but then wrapped the only arm not trapped under the other boy's embrace around George. They stayed like that for a while. There was some kind of desperation in George's actions and it never came to Fred's mind to make fun of him for this moment of vulnerability.

"Don't do this again, you bloody git", George said sternly before he buried his face in Fred's shoulder. Fred saw how George's muffled cries made his shoulders shook and it was a miracle that Fred didn't start to bawl like a child as well. The only reason he could come up with was that he had cried too much… or maybe he just had to be the strong one right now. Still, silent tears cascaded his own cheeks. Of course he couldn't be out of tears. He wanted to make a joke about himself, but even he knew that this wasn't the time. Fred was suddenly hit by the thought that George probably wanted him to promise him, promise that he _wouldn't _do this again. Fred wanted to promise because at this moment he finally felt like he wasn't alone, that his life was worth something for everyone. But Fred knew that it didn't matter how he felt at the moment. No matter how how happy he was right now that he was alive, he wasn't naive enough to think it would last.

* * *

The day Fred could go home was a day his family decided to celebrate even if he still was plagued by his mental illness. Everyone knew that there was still a long way to go with visits to a psychologist, medication and possible relapses (the last one was the biggest elephant in the room because everyone wanted to forget that recovery isn't a smooth ride without bumps on the road). Of course the celebration wasn't huge. The family just got together for a dinner with a few drinks.

Fred knew he wasn't the only one who felt a little nauseous because of all the food. "If I manage to become obese because of this, you have to either carry me upstairs later or take my bed downstairs. I don't care which one", he said with a groan.

George looked over at him. "I hope you're not talking to me".

"I meant the plural _you. _And besides, you - just you - might be just as fat as me by the point that it would be necessary".

"No, I would be fatter because I'm already heavier. Not by much though, I'm still flawless, but I would be at least one heart attack ahead".

"You would still be flawless for me if you were obese".

"Bruh", George said with a fake heart filled voice and covered his heart to make it look like he was truly moved by his words before faking a heart attack.

"Way to make this sweet moment sour", Fred commented while playing with his empty glass on top of the table. No one had consumed enough alcohol to become intoxicated; the older part of the family just drank a few glasses of wine. Unfortunately, Fred and George (and their younger siblings) were not part of the 'older part of the Weasleys'. It didn't matter because Fred suspected that they wouldn't let him drink anything anyway.

Molly looked disapprovingly at the twins. "If you two are not feeling too _overweight, _maybe you can help with cleaning the table".

The twins shared a look before looking back at their mom. They said "We're too fat" at the same time and Molly scolded them and forced them to help with the table.

The conversations stayed light hearted for the rest of the day, but it didn't feel forced like they really tried to avoid certain things. Fred and George managed to steal a half full bottle of wine before they disappeared to their room before night fall.

They were both sitting on Fred's bed. George handed his brother the bottle after drinking from it himself. "And you're positive it's okay for you to drink?" George asked, nonchalantly to hide his worry.

"Yeah don't worry. My meds won't clash with the alcohol and my stomach's recovered"._ After the stomach pump _was left unsaid. Even if he felt compelled to drink more than necessary to perhaps prove that he was fine, he knew it was a bad idea and only drank a little. Drinking alcohol is never really a good sign of your well being after all. George drank slightly more than him before he closed the bottle again and put it under Fred's bed. Fred yawned and laid down on his matress, forcing George to move until he knelt on the ground next to him.

"Tired, mate?" George asked, amused.

"I haven't been this active in days", Fred answered with his eyes closed. "I know I didn't really do much today, but still… or I might just be getting fatter after all. Making moving harder, you know".

"Well you barely moved at all at st Mungus. Didn't they chew your food for you and wipe your arse?" George asked and Fred glared at him.

"I said I was fat, not old", Fred replied and closed his eyes and buried his face in his pillow. He said something else but his words were muffled in the fabric.

George leaned in closer and put a hand behind his ear to playfully empathize that he was trying to hear what his brother was saying. "Can't hear you, mate. Another fat joke? Is this still joking around or are you really starting to believe it?"

Fred turned around until he faced George; eyes still closed. "I said time to sleeeep. You're the one turning the lights off…".

"Because you're half asleep already?"

"No because… ", Fred yawned. "Because you're… you're a turn off",

"Okay, your humor is horrible when you're tired". George stood up, quickly, and walked over to the light switch. "Just fall asleep, will ya?" Fred groaned in response as George turned off the light and walked towards his own bed, but a whimper made him stop in his tracks. "Your nightmares have started", George commented, bitterly and sat down next to his brother's bed. It didn't sit right with him to not at least try to calm him down.

"Nuhnnno… ", Fred wined and George rubbed his back. George couldn't recall when he had ever seen Fred have these kind of nightmares… but it might have been because of Fred's conscious efforts of hiding affecting his subconsciousness. That Fred was so afraid to let anything out so he didn't even let the guard down while he was asleep. It saddened George to think about that, but it also made him glader that Fred didn't hold things back anymore (at least not as much as before).

George continued to drag his hand softly from Fred's shoulder blades to his lower back but quickly discovered that Fred seemed to freak out and make louder noises from time to time. George was internally freaking out because of that, but It didn't take long before he saw that the out of the blue reaction only erupted when his hand reached his lower back. That realization immediately made him just focus on massaging his shoulders and upper back. Fred quickly became calmer while George became more confused. Did Fred have a wound there or something?

"Ssshhh I'm sorry, I'm sorry", George whispered, feeling a little like he was reassuring a wounded animal.

Fred's face scrunched up. Still asleep; he murmured: "Not… not him… you… you not him".

George raised an eyebrow in confusion but didn't stop his movements. "I'm not who? I don't know who you're talking about, but I'm George. Not someone else, no".

"G… George?" Fred murmured. "I see h-him again… please… keep him a-away from m-me".

"Who - I mean yes, of course. Don't worry, I'll keep him away from you". George knew that trying to coax an answer out of him was a stupid idea, partly because Fred wasn't fully awake and coherent at the moment. The best thing to do seemed to be calming him down so he could sleep properly. His questions could wait until tomorrow. George hoped his curiosity wouldn't prevent himself from sleeping.

"I don't, I don't want him to touch me… ".

"I'm the only one one here, it's just my hand on your back. The bad man is not here".

"I'm a bad boyfriend… because I can't be touched that way… she will want to someday". George became slightly uncomfortable. Not because of the confusing change of subject, but because they never really spoke about their sex lives (or lack there off). They had obviously made several sexual jokes, but they never discussed sex seriously. George just assumed that was were they drew the line. He wouldn't want to talk about sex with anyone else in his family either.

"That doesn't make you a bad boyfriend… people are ready when they are ready. If Hermione wouldn't accept that - which I know for sure that she will because she is amazing - then _she _is the bad partner. Not you. You don't have to worry about that", George assured him. He didn't feel like his words held much weight; partly because he didn't know what he was supposed to say and partly because… well, Fred would most likely not remember this conversation. Maybe he could confront his twin about these insecurities? Even if it would be so freaking awkward.

"Never ready… he ruined it… he ruined me". George stopped moving altogether.

"What do you mean by that, Fred?" He asked, not really sure if he actually wanted him to answer. His heartbeat was echoing in his head.

"He hurt me. He h-hurt me, George".


	20. Chapter 20

Fred saw that Hermione had taken George's place when he woke up. But instead of just laying next to each other, She had put his head on her lap and her hand was in his hair.

"Why didn't anyone wake me up? For how long have you been here? Where is George?" Fred asked and sat up straight, but she kept her hand in his hair.

"You have finally taken a proper shower, I guess this is Ginny's schampo", she commented and laughed as she continued to brush through his hair. "And to answer your questions; I was supposed to wake you up but couldn't bring myself to do it. I have only been here for a couple of minutes. And George? He left as soon as I stepped into the room, did you tell him about us? I think we should tell him and the others because I can't stand lying to Harry and Ron anymore. What exactly did you tell George? Because he looked whiter than a ginger should". Fred made a thinking face while trying to remember what they talked about before he fell asleep. But his mind was blank. He had a bad feeling though. So if he did share something private then he should at least try to clear it out.

"Should we tell them now then?" Fred asked and rubbed the hardening skin on his arms, nervously. Hermione ran her fingers through his hair a couple of more times before her fingers wandered down to his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. "What was that for?" He asked when she pulled away and she answered that she just wanted to kiss her boyfriend. "That's so gay", Fred said and Hermione rolled her eyes before they left the room hand in hand.

Everyone, except for Molly and Arthur, were in the living room; talking. Ginny was the first one who saw the couple and was just about to say something when her eyes landed on their intertwined hands. She smiled at them and asked: "For how long have this been going on?" That caught the attention of everyone else in the room. The couple looked anywhere but at the others; clearly uncomfortable. They hadn't thought this through.

"We could have done this in a less stressful way", Fred commented with a nervous chuckle and Hermione squeezed his hand.

"It's like ripping off a band-aid", she said and Fred looked at her with a frown.

"I don't get that muggle reference, Granger", Fred said and she sighed. Hermione was almost completely sure that he was joking.

Almost. Everyone was silent for a while before Ginny repeated her question again. "Not for long", Hermione answered. "It started right after Fred... after Fred... you know... ". They all knew what she meant... well Ron was still a little clueless. He looked around, confused. Probably because he was in denial, he wasn't stupid.

"What are you on about, Ginny?" He asked. Fred looked at the ceiling while Hermione looked down at their joined hands. She couldn't look at him at the moment. Ginny scowled.

"They're a couple, silly". Ron's head snapped back to Fred and Hermione, but he didn't look as surprised as they would have thought; it was not the first time he had seen them hold hands.

"So you have a thing for quidditch players, Hermione?" He asked and Ginny hit his arm and told him not to bring up Krum.

Bill was just about to say something, but Harry beat him to it. "That's amazing Hermione", he said, but he sounded a bit off. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley stepped into the room and Molly wrapped her arms around Fred and Hermione.

"Now you're for sure part of this family", she said happily. Fred grinned and Hermione turned red. Arthur scratched his neck and said that the food was ready.

Harry went to Hermione a couple of hours later and asked her if they could talk in private, so did Fred with George. Hermione had tried to talk privately to Ron with Fred (so she wouldn't have to do it alone), but he ignored her. It hurt a lot. Harry lead Hermione to Ron's room (that he temporarily shared with Harry) and they sat down on Harry's makeshift bed. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier", she said but he justs shook his head.

"I understand, that's not what _I _want to talk about. I just want to know if you're sure about this".

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean, Harry?"

Harry sighed and said: "You know I love you like a sister, I really care about Fred as well. He and George are like older brothers to me, but I want to be sure that you know the consequences of being together with someone who's _suicidal. _It will affect you as well", he explained and Hermione nodded.

"I know what I'm doing. I've thought about this, believe me, I have. We're better together than apart, he have helped me so much and now I can finally return the favor... wow that sounded like I'm only dating him for helping me, no, I really lo- I MEAN care about him and.. and... ". Harry started to laugh as her face turned red out of embarrassment.

"You're so adorable right now. And I know you know that he needs you more than us to get better, but just don't let him bring you down as well". The last part made her a little angry but she didn't say anything because she knew that he was right. Depressed people were like a virus. Maybe that sounded harsh, but she had seen other cases. Cases of people so depressed that other people's feelings were irrelevant to such degree that they could even be manipulated by said depressed person. Fred would of course never do that, but his obvious self-hate did make other people a lot sadder as well.

The door to the room opened and Harry and Hermione looked up; It was Ron. "I'm allowed to be here, it's my room", he said and looked at them. "Why are you two sneaking around? Your _boyfriend _is close by".

Hermione stood up. "I wouldn't hurt Fred like that, Ronald. And you don't have the right to talk to me like this. He makes me happy".

"He's crazy, Hermione. He tried to _kill _himself, he hears _voices _... he's a lunatic!" Ron exclaimed without thinking. Harry and Hermione stared at him like he had grown a second head and Ron himself had regret written all over his face.

"What the bloody hell Ron!? He's you brother!" Hermione exclaimed and clenched her fists.

Harry said: "He didn't mean that Hermione, his crying at Fred's bedside was genuine". Ron looked around the room while trying to swallow the lump in his throat.

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to say that... that's not what I think, I... ". He couldn't even look Hermione in the eye and she felt the anger starting to slip away.

"He makes me happy, Ron. I make _him _happy. He needs you too, so please... watch. your. mouth around _him. _If you're really sorry then I forgive you; you usually say things you don't mean. But _think_before you speak around him. I know he's not made of glass, but do you _really _want to go through all that again?" Everything got quiet again. Ron looked close to tears and Hermione had to fight off the urge to hug him.

"I... I care about b-both of you, I-I... ", Ron started to say and gulped again. "Do-does he... if he m-makes you happy... please... s-save him". The last part really shocked the other two in the room and Hermione started to wonder if Ron freaked out more about her possibly breaking his brother more than the fact that she was dating someone else than Ron. She smiled and finally gave him a hug before he buried his face in her shoulder and let a few tears fall.

"I'll try, but you have to try too".

* * *

George had to wait for a couple of minutes alone in his and Fred's room before Fred arrived. George suspiciously glanced at his brother's arms but was too afraid to ask about it. It felt like Fred would harm himself every time he was by himself. But that was just paranoia, right? "Where have you been?" George asked with narrowed eyes and Fred shrugged.

"No one dares to leave me alone, you could have waited for me", Fred answered and George poked his tongue out at him.

"You're slow. So what did you want to talk about?" Fred scratched his neck and sat down on his bed.

"What did I tell you last night?" Fred asked an alll playfulness disappeared from George's face.

"I guess there is no idea to pretend that I don't know what you're talking about?" George asked and Fred shook his head.

"I'm your twin and I... ", Fred regretted saying that when he saw the guilty expression on George's face; he still felt bad for not noticing Fred's depression. "So, what did I say?" Fred asked again and George sighed.

"You told me something you probably didn't want to tell me yet". The brothers watched each others expressions; George looked uncomfortable, concerned, slightly angry and sad while Fred looked confused but dreadful as well.

"George... what did I tell you, did I share something about the voice? Wow, that made me sound mad".

"No offence, but you are mad", said George with a humorless laugh. "We all are, but you... have you ever, you know... slept with somebody?" Fred only stared at him so George continued; "I mean... did someone ever... ".

"Yes, I was raped", the bluntness of Fred's answer surprised both of them. Fred avoided eye contact and George's face turned pale again.

"Please look at me, Freddie". He sounded a little angry, but not at Fred.

"No", he answered. "If I do, this will turn into a girly moment. I don't need to see how much lower I am in your eyes". George put a hand over Fred's arm, he was careful to not accidentally scratch the healing skin.

"You would probably not even sink in my eyes if you killed somebody... which in a way you almost did, but we mostly blame ourselves for that", George said and Fred finally looked at him, his eyes wet. George continued: "I'm actually more proud and impressed by you. I mean, _I _would never have been able to live with _that _as long as you have. I'm obviously mad at whoever did this to you and I'm normally not a violent person... at least not compare to you, let's be honest". Fred shrugged though his tears with an sorry-not-sorry smile. "I'm happy that you told me about this, even If I wish you had told me sooner. But I understand your reasons. I would never have been able to confess it to myself, which is one of many things that shows how strong you actually are... I wish I had been there for you more... You can't change what have happened, right? But _I _can change for the future and at least FINALLY stop smoking". Fred stared at him for a while before he asked if George was sure this time. George nodded. "Yeah, it was unfair of me to cope by smoking instead of facing you with the problem of feeling like I was in your shadow. Why would you speak to me if _I _don't speak to you? I'm just as bad. No, I can see it in your face that you're about to apologize. Don't. I used to put blame on you, even though my jealousy was a far deeper issue within myself. We both should have handled our problems in better ways, don't you think?" Fred chuckled and started to wipe his face. George smirked and picked up a tissue from his pocket that he used to dry Fred's face. "It's quite ironic that despite you not wanting a girly moment, you sure cry a lot".

Fred scoffed and answered; "Some of the tears are yours, you know". George chuckled and started to wipe away his own tears. "I guess you're right".

* * *

It was Sunday afternoon and Ron, Ginny, Harry, Hermione and George were going back to school. Fred was supposed to go back either one or two days after. Depending on how the situation was at school or how anxious Fred felt. None of them felt good about leaving him, but they knew he was in good hands. It didn't make it less stressful for Hermione and George who sat close to each other on the train. "The medication he takes should block out the voice", Hermione whispered, to reassure both George and herself. "He'll probably be alright without us for a few days".

Luckily for them, most students were either in class or outside. So no one bothered them. They all felt anxious, obviously. George could practically feel the pity seep through the walls and nobody even knew that he was there yet.

Ron tugged George's sleeve to get his attention. "You look like a sad birthday party. I know it's hard, it's hard for all of us, but we're here to be strong for Fred". And each other.

George sighed and nodded. "You're right. I'm just mostly anxious about that they are about to see someone who looks exactly like the guy who drank poison in front of them... wow, I can't remind Fred of the trauma he caused those people, he doesn't need any more guilt", said George and the others nodded in a silent agreement. Despite feeling a little bad for the students who had to see the suicide attempt, George couldn't help but feel a little satisfaction at the fact that the girls who harassed Fred in the bathroom had to see it as well (yeah, Fred accidently mentioned that in the once and had to explain). _"Where was I during this!?"_

George's confident facade didn't last for long. As soon as they stepped into the Gryffindor common room, all eyes were on them. But that wasn't what made George furiously bolt though the room. No, it was because of the freaking huge pile of flowers and candles surrounding a picture of Fred with a sign that said; "Miss you" among other cheesy lines from _strangers _. George stopped in front of it and glared around the room.

"Stop looking at me like I'm a fucking_ ghost. _Stop treating him like he's dead! He's _not _dead!" He yelled before starting to rip apart the flowers and tore the cards. Everyone stared at him wide-eyed. Instead of stopping him; Hermione and the other two decided to help him with ripping it apart (Hermione was the only one who remembered to blow out the candles though).

One of the younger girls walked towards them angrily. "WHAT are you doing!? Do you know how long it took to make that!?" She yelled and they stopped and looked at her.

Ron said: "Does it look like we care? You would have done the same weird shrine if he _was _dead, he's _not _dead yet". Harry grabbed Ron's shoulder as a few other students approached them.

"Treating Fred like a martyr won't make him comfortable when he comes back. None of you even know him apart from his jokes", Harry said and a few of them bowed their heads in shame. However, some of them still didn't get it.

"We did this for your brother so he would know that we support him. Did they really send the right twin to the crazy house?" A boy asked and everyone looked at him angrily. Even he himself noticed how out of the line that "joke" was. George felt a huge stab in the chest, but Hermione opened her mouth before he had the chance to say something he might have regretted.

"How would a creepy shrine from people you have never talked to be a good 'welcome home' gift?" Asked she, trying to contain her anger own. She continued: "You clearly don't even care about him, consider how disrespectful you are being. HOW did you even get that picture? WHO are you people? He _knows _that you don't _know him _, the last thing he needs is proof that humans are shallow. He needs people who loves him, not people who doesn't know how to deal with a suicide attempt because they haven't seen something like this before".

Hermione looked around the room. Everyone but her, Ron, Harry and George looked ashamed and guilty. Even the rude boy didn't look so confident anymore. She continued; "I know you are afraid of what's going to happen, so are we. But please, leave the sentimental stuff to the people he trust. If you want to prevent this from happening once more, either because you care or just don't want this to happen again. Come and get one of us or a teacher if he's acting odd, and/or just treat him like normal. I don't think he would want you to treat him differently". Students slowly nodded before hesitantly going back to what they were doing before. Hermione turned to her three friends who all gave her small smiles.

"You handled that really good, Hermione", Harry said and Ron smirked.

"You really made them shut up. Fred might be an amazing influence on you", Ron said. She could still see some pain in his eyes from that fact, but he was mostly proud. Hermione smiled at him and turned to George.

"Thank you", he said and ruffled her hair before disappearing to his dorm. Hermione felt much more lighter as she used magic to clean up the mess they made.

* * *

Fred barely left his bed nowadays, the day the others left for Hogwarts was no different. He said goodbye to them before he returned to bed again. It felt empty with only himself, his parents, Bill and Charlie in the house (Percy left for his own apartment the day before, but not without giving Fred an awkward hug). Don't think that his family dared to leave him alone, no, at least one of them came into his room 4-5 times every hour (about 15 minutes between every visit). Fred hated how they treated him like glass, more so now when George and Hermione finally coaxed him into telling the rest of the family about what Loré had done to him (Fred was officially out of tears now). In a way, he regretted telling them. It felt too private and the more people he told, the more _real _it became. Bringing up the subject had been difficult and the line between making the story understandable and not giving too much details about the experience was very blurry. They took it surprisingly well though. A part of Fred thought that it was because he wasn't believable enough, but it's not like his family would doubt him (right?).

The whole ordeal didn't sooth him at all, bu at least the medication worked... or was "worked" really the right word for it? Fred was still depressed, nothing seemed interesting or funny anymore. The voice couldn't really reach him anymore, but he pretty soon discovered how disturbing the silence in his head really was. Not only was the silence encouraging his own thoughts, but it reminded him that he was _alone. "Maybe I should skip the medication next time? Just once, so I won't be alone". _Fred hated the lack of emotion he felt.

He decided to leave bed, just for some water. He needed to move around for a bit anyway. The covers fell silently to the side as he stood up on shaking legs. Dizziness hit him like a brick and darkness covered his eyes (he stood up to quickly). Fred fell down on the ground; scratching his bare knees on the rough carpet. "Oh come on!" He hissed but felt slightly happy about the rugburns. "I truly suck", Fred said as he placed his palms on the frizzy surface and put some pressure on them as he dragged them back and forth. _"Wait... what am I doing!?" _His eyes widened as he stopped his movements. He lifted his hands and looked at his burning palms. They were red and raw and were close to a second (maybe third) degree burn. It felt... _good _or at least better than feeling nearly nothing, but the guilt almost made him choke. He didn't want to leave his room now, but hiding wasn't an option. One family member would come in soon anyway. Fred stood up and reached to pull down his sleeves before he remembered that he was forced to wear short sleeved shirts. Feeling naked and ashamed; Fred left his room silently and walked down the stairs to the kitchen. Every step sent coldness through his veins, but it was too late to turn back.

Molly Weasley stood in the kitchen; she was cooking something that smelt really good. Fred knew that the chance of her being there was high, but still he hoped that he would be able to be alone. Unfortunately, Charlie and Bill were there too; probably talking about him (awesome, note the sarcasm). Mrs Weasley looked up with a smile as the youngest Weasley in the house (currently) entered the room. "Hi Fred, I'm happy to see you up", she said and kissed his cheek.

He grimaced and said: "I felt thirsty". Mrs Weasley was just about to say something, but her smile disappeared when she noticed Fred's tense posture and fiddling hands.

She turned to fully face him and extended her hand towards him. "Show me your hands", she said sternly. That caught the attention of his brothers and Fred felt like a deer in the headlight. It felt like his mom was trying to make him show the vase he just broke. Oh, that scenario sounded way more appealing. Complaining or trying to divert the attention would be in vain so Fred showed his hands and Molly grabbed them and examined them closer. Bill and Charlie walked up next to her.

"Fred?" Charlie said and crossed his arms. "What did you do?" Fred tried to withdraw his hands but Molly's grip tightened.

"Not until I have dressed them, mister", she said and forced him down on a chair before she went to fetch the first aid kit. Bill and Charlie looked at him with disappointed looks. Fred glared back at them and crossed his arms.

"What? You can't expect me to get better just like that!"

Bill scowled and said: "You can't expect _us _to NOT react badly when stuff like this happens. Isn't the medication supposed to help?"

"It makes me feel weird. The pills doesn't help, _this _does", Fred said and showed his hands. Charlie grabbed his shoulders.

"Then you _talk _to us. It's a more healthy alternative. And we'll switch medication if it doesn't work. _That's _what the healers told us, _that's _what you're supposed to do". Fred sighed and looked away. The shame was too much but they wouldn't let him run away.

Molly came back with the kit and started to tend to his wounds. She cleaned them and put on a cream before wrapping them tightly with bandages. "Should we owl st mu...".

"No!" Fred exclaimed and ripped his hands from her grasp. "I don't need to stay there, I'm capable of going back to school. _Please. _I'll talk to one of you next time". Fred wasn't sure if that counted as a lie because he really wanted to believe that he would be able to do that.

Molly looked at him skeptically and said: "I don't know consider how hard it seems to be for you to not hurt yourself. I can't take that risk. You understand that, right?" She tried to keep herself from being too emotional. A parent shouldn't have this kind of conversations with their children!

Bill coughed to get their attention. "But we can't keep threaten him that we'll institutionalize him against his will every time he does something bad or he'll just become a better liar. But we should at least bring it up from time to time to remind him of the consequences", Bill said and Molly and Fred sighed in unison.

"I guess you're right, Bill", Molly said. "But this is all so complicated. I don't know what to do anymore".


	21. Chapter 21

_"What do you call it when a cat messes up your room?" The little child asked and looked up at Fred. Fred stared silently at the little five year old on the ground. The little boy was wearing a nightgown and sat with his legs crossed._

_"I don't know what you call it when a cat messes up your room. Do you call yourself stupid for letting the cat in your room in the first place?" Fred answered and the child giggled. It was easy to tell that the little boy was full of energy from how he constantly wiggled and tapped his fingers._

_"Why do you blame yourself for what the cat did? Silly old man! You call it a cat-astophe!" The little child laughed violently at his own joke. Fred didn't know what he was supposed to do. The joke was horrible, but he couldn't diss a child. _

_The boy stopped laughing and tilted his head to the side. "I have another one! Wanna hear!? Wanna hear!?" Fred just nodded silently in response. The child asked: "What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?"_

_"Ehm, I think you got the joke wrong", commented Fred, but the boy justs shook his head. He stopped wiggling and sat completely still with eyes darting around the room. Fred looked around but couldn't find what he was looking at. Everything around them was just white. Nothing but a whiteness without an end. _

_"Do you know what you call a chicken that crosses a road it shouldn't have crossed?" Asked the child. Fred decided to not mention how the boy slightly changed the question. Instead he just shook his head and the child poked his tongue out at him, eyes still darting around the room. "It's called a _**_dead _**_chicken. A dead chicken that shouldn't have shared things with other people on the other side of the road". Shivers went down Fred's spine and his eyes widened._

_"What did you just say?" He asked, but the child ignored his question._

_"I have another one! Wanna hear!? Wanna hear!?" The boy asked and Fred just stared at him._

_"No, I think we should find your mom and... "._

_"What do you call a used product? You call it a waste of space! You get it? Because you would rather fill that space with something new and _**_not filthy_ **_". Once again, the child started to laugh but Fred actually started to feel scared._

_"You don't know what you're talking about! They don't think of me like that, they reacted pretty okey"._

_"They thought you probably wanted it, you let him go", the child answered and Fred took a few steps backwards._

_"What did you just say?"_

_"I have another one! Wanna hear!? Wanna hear!?"_

_"No! I don't want to hear! Stop talking!"_

_"What do you call someone who sees ghosts? You call it a reaper! How many lives were ruined because you didn't tell anybody about him?"_

_"I couldn't remember! You know that!"_

_The little child's body started to twitch, but Fred was far too upset to notice anything. "What do you call someone who can't tell reality and dreams apart? Someone who cannot be trusted! They think y-you're lying!" The stuttering at the end triggered more violent twitches. Like he was being electrocuted._

_"Are you... saying that they don't believe me? ... But they... but they"._

_Suddenly, the boy started to scream out in pain as his body shook so violently that it looked like every bone was about to break. Fred panicked; he didn't know what to do. The child might have been horrible and triggered all bad emotions, but it was still a bloody child. _

_He was about to hurry towards the boy when a sudden presence popped up in front of him. The screaming became louder, but it didn't bother him as much. The presence was quite a bit shorter than him and they wrapped their arms around his waist. Fred looked down and saw a older version of the crying boy on the floor. The older version was different and not just because he didn't look like he was in pain... no scratch that. His lips, neck and arms were bruised, there was a pool of blood on the floor between his legs and his clothes looked messily thrown on. People who looked at his body would say that he was in pain, but his eyes were looking at him with a slightly tired but curious expression. He wasn't in pain; he was just done, but he wanted to know one more thing before it would all end. _

_"Why are you pretending to care about him over there? There is nothing you can do. No one helped him then, you can't change what already happened". Fred stared wide-eyed at the shorter boy as the boy hugged him tighter with a surprising strength. Breathing started to become harder, but the boy didn't let go. "You can't save me either", he whispered and the grip became tighter and tighter. _

_Fred tried to peel his arms off but to no avail. This kid had the strength of a strong adult. It started to ring in his ears and it felt like his rapidly beating heart was about to be pushed upwards and fly out of his mouth. Fred tried to close his mouth to prevent it from happening but he couldn't. It also felt like his eyes were about to pop out so he covered them with his hands, ignoring how the sweat from his palms burned them. _

_"They didn't save me, and you can't change the past. But you already know that we can't change what he did, no matter how much we try". Fred cried out in pain as his back cracked. The other boy wasn't happy about Fred not looking at him so he started to shake him violently. "LOOK AT ME!" The force only made his bones crack more so Fred quickly removed his hands from his face to try to loosen the smaller boy's grip again. But removing his hand from his face made on of his eyes pop out of their sockets. It didn't hurt much, but he screamed anyway. An invincible force forced him to look straight into the other boy's empty eyes. "DON'T YOU DARE IGNORE MY PAIN! NOT YOU TOO! NOT ANYMORE!" Fred nodded slightly; full of fear. It seemed to calm the other one down because his voice became a lot softer. "You can't save yourself either, because they won't save you. You can't change that". He leaned in closer and pulled Fred down to his level. "So why... WHY ARE WE STILL HERE!?" Shouted the child and hugged Fred impossibly tighter. Fred screamed out in pain as he felt his ribs and back break underneath the force of the compact. His voice died out like it was trapped within him in a cage of broken bones. Only a broken breath echoed in the never ending room. _

_The little boy shook him slightly so his upper body fell backwards so he was bent in half. Was he dead? It felt like it... or more seemed like it. He couldn't move, but he still felt things: bones stuck in his veins, in his lungs, in several little heaps underneath his skin that created little lumps. How could he possibly have this many bones in his body!? Why couldn't he move? Why couldn't the pain just be over!? He wished that one of the bones would stop poking his organs and just pierce his heart already._

_"Open your eyes, please". What? Fred didn't even notice that he closed them (it? didn't he only have one eye left?)... wait, how could they be closed if everything was still so light? And where the fuck did the voice come from? It didn't come from the boy who just literally broke him in half (because he was now silent and stood like a statue). "Open your eyes, Fred", said the voice again and he froze as he felt someone caress his cheek. He wanted to slap the hand away but his own arms were dangling on each side of his head like useless pieces of dead meat. "Open your eyes, I want you to look at me". It disturbed him how "gentle" the invincible person sounded... but Fred KNEW he was ALL but gentle. _

_Before the other person could ask him to open his eyes again, Fred managed to stutter a weak: "G-go a-away". The invincible person laughed softly, like Fred was a little cute child who tried to be scary. The hand slipped past his cheek and down his neck to his shoulder blades. Suddenly Fred could move his arms again and threw them up in the air._

_"LEAVE ME ALONE! WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I DON'T WANT YOU!? I AM A CHILD! DON'T TAKE THAT AWAY!"_

**_"Why are you saying no all of sudden?" _**

Fred didn't fly up from the bed like you'd think he would. Instead he laid there, for what felt like hours, without breathing while the phantom pain in his body disappeared as every cell got used to the shift from dream to reality. The muscles in his back were still pretty stiff and sore from what the hell he did in his sleep.

He gasped for air and crawled out of the bed (but he made sure not to get any rugburns this time). He got a tiny glimpse of himself in the full body mirror and duck his head to hide his face. Not after that dream, never. With his head down he slowly stood up, grabbed a shirt (that he couldn't tell if it was his or George's) and put it over the mirror. He didn't want to see the face of the child.

All of sudden, he felt like someone was watching him. He quickly looked around until his eyes landed on the figure standing in the open doorway: Bill. It felt pretty awkward with him just standing there watching. It felt even more awkward when Bill's eyes went from him to the (now) covered mirror. Fred didn't want to think about what thoughts went through his older brother's head at that moment.

"Ehm... I was... you said it was fine for us to wake you when you have nightmares and you don't really make any sounds when you sleep so I came here to... check on you", Bill said and looked at his feet. What in the world was Fred supposed to say?

"Ehm.. yeah, thank you. I'm awake now so don't worry about it".

Bill hesitated before asking the same question everyone would ask him today: "Are you sure that you want to go back today? We'll understand if you're not ready... ".

"I will only feel worse if I don't get this out of the way", Fred answered with a sigh.

"Okey... it's my turn to see if... you know", Bill reminded him and it only got more awkward.

Fred forced a chuckle and started to remove his shirt. He still only wore short sleeved shirts, but he could have wounds on his stomach. "I just woke up. I'm mentally ill, not a super mutant". Bill didn't seem to appreciate his joke, it only seemed to make make him irritated.

"Who knows. You could have done something yesterday before bed... or in your sleep... or maybe you didn't _just _wake up".

"You're calling me a liar?"

"Well you're good at hiding shit. Let's get this over with". Bill started to check Fred's arms and torso as soon as Fred's pj shirt hit the floor. It felt so weird but considering how many relapses he have had; he couldn't complain, but to his credit he hadn't done anything since yesterday morning.

"Do you want me to take off my pants as well?" Fred said sarcastically but regretted it as soon as Bill gave him a look that said: _"Thank you for reminding me"._

* * *

Hermione had gotten closer to George (thanks to certain circumstances). They talked more often (obviously mostly about Fred) and she started to be able to recognize his body language more. Which was something she wasn't very good at with most people, but she learned slowly. However, there was something off about him that she couldn't put her finger on. At first she assumed that it was all the stress from everything plus the sadness, but it felt like it was something more. It bugged the hell out of her; haven't they kept enough secrets from each other? She might have thought that it was just paranoia if Ron hadn't noticed it as well.

Speaking of which, Ron was still a little weird about her dating his older brother, but he was always nice to her and promised to not let anything get between their friendship. Both he and Harry had tried to push her into coaxing George to tell her what was wrong. She suspected that Ron was afraid that this was the beginning of another _incident _with the other (stressed out) twin. Fred and George had much, MUCH in common after all. Hermione doubted that George wanted to put his family though all that again, but it was still for the best to talk to him.

"You know that keeping things away from us started this whole mess, right?" She asked and looked up at the younger twin.

Her and George were the pity welcome committee for Fred (who earlier made sure that NO ONE planned a freaking welcome back party, which almost happened by the way). They were currently at the train station.

George stopped playing around nervously with his fingers _"only three cigarettes per day now George, we're taking this slowly and you promised Fred"._

"That's a low blow, Hermione", he answered with a quiet voice. "But yeah, you know that I know that... I learned that the hard way, remember?"

"You're hiding something, so it's ironic that you said that", she answered and looked up at the sky. "You might as well don't deny it because I'm so sick of this bullshit".

George's eyes widened before his expression turned into a smug smirk. "We're messing you up, Granger. Buuut, you're right. I never intended to keep this a secret though, I'm not even the only one knowing this... it was just something I overheard and I... I'm trying to comprehend I... I've been thinking a lot about it and I'm... I don't know if I should be glad that I heard it or not but... ".

"George. what is it? Is it about Fred?" Hermione really started to get worried now, it's hard not to.

George chuckled humorlessly and sighed. "Before all this I would've been so tired of hearing that everything was about him, but now all you can do is be worried. Especially when things nowadays does have something to do with him. Yes, I overheard something about him... and... ".

He stopped himself when he heard someone call for them. They looked up and was met by a warm smile from none other than the person they were talking about. "Other humans!" He called out. "I have lived in isolation with privacy depriving ghouls who wore my hair color. I've escaped, and this time with some sanity!" He took a wrong step when he tried to get out of the train so he fell down to the ground with his "med-bag" close behind. Both George and Hermione stood up and tried to hold back laughter.

"Is he high?" George asked and Hermione shrugged.

"I don't know. He is _your _brother".

"He is _your _boyfriend".

"And I'm _aaalso _on the ground!" Fred interrupted and they hurried to his aid. They grabbed one arm each and helped him up. "Those new pills gave me more energy... and I miiiiiiight have taken something extra for today", he explained and first grabbed Hermione's head and kissed her cheek and then did the same with George, who just stood there dumbfounded with Fred's big med-bag in hand.

"I'm so glad you didn't go for the lips on that one", he commented and laughed nervously. "But are you really drugged right now?" Fred laughed and shook his head.

"Na, just messing with you. But if it worked on you then... ".

"No Fred, you're not going to pretend being out of it when we go inside", Hermione interrupted and he pouted at her. "I mean it, not just because it would draw unnecessary attention".

"As the school's nutjob, that's already too late", Fred said and wrapped an arm around her waist. She wrapped her arm around his shoulders in return. "It's just easier to control what kind of attention you get, you know? Or maybe I could quit school and become one of those old crazy farts a little ahead of time...".

"You're not going anywhere, mate", said George with a chuckle and wrapped his arm around Fred's neck before they started to walk away from the train station

.

"It feels like you're caging me from all sides so I won't run away".

"I guess we're doing that unknowingly", said George with a shrug. "By the way, how are you feeling right now? Good for once or is this just for show?"

Fred gave him a genuine smile to him. "Except for the nervousness, I actually feel pretty good at the moment. I'll try to let you know when I feel differently".

"Try?" Hermione repeated.

"Well, I'm a macho man, what can you do?"

When George arrived at school for the first time since the incident he had felt like a magnet to everyone's eyes (he still did but he was better at ignoring it). It was the same case now when they came back with Fred... but this time the stares felt like literal fire spells being casted his way. He sent them glares back so most of them looked away.

"I feel like a failed soldier from a war", Fred whispered. "Failed because I thought I was fighting someone but I was literally fighting myself because I hallucinated".

"I want to laugh but I'm not sure if that's a joke or if you're seriousf", George whispered back.

"It's both I guess", Fred answered and chuckled.

Without letting go of the hold of each other, they went through halls and up the moving staircase to the giant portrait that lead to their common room. However, they almost fell to the floor when they were tackled by a familiar boy in dreadlocks. "Welcome back babe! I've missed you so much!" Lee exclaimed and wrapped his arms around Fred's middle.

"You're the third person who have embraced me inappropriately today. AND you visited me last week, remember?" Fred reminded him and let go of his brother and girlfriend to hug him back. The mention of _"inappropriately touching" _made both George and Hermione uncomfortable. Even if they knew that Fred was just joking around, Fred _did _have a certain past after all.

Despite the threats earlier, more and more people came closer and closer to gratulate his return. But to George's and Hermione's relief they didn't treat him like a nutcase.

"Why can't you and George ever do something that doesn't end in a bang?"

"You better leave on a better note next time. I have high hopes!".

"There is more color in your face than before... ehm, not a ginger joke hehe... ".

"I won't apologize for taking off your pants that time, your fault for falling asleep...".

"My friend from Hufflepuff said that she hoped that your stay at the mental ward was better than hers. They had to watch her take showers... ".

"You have something on your forehead".

Fred grabbed a tiny mirror from one of the girls and vigorously rubbed at the tiny spot on his forehead. "Why didn't any of you tell me that I started to look like a Harry lookalike!?" Fred exclaimed at George and Hermione.

"I didn't notice, your beautiful eyes were too distracting", commented George sarcastically. "I focused on the high-acting guy coming out of the train and falling over his own feet".

"That was a planned fall".

"Why don't I believe you? Okey everyone! Let me have my brother for myself for a while now!" George called out and everyone scattered. He grabbed Fred's face and took a closer look. "Someone here looks sleep deprived. I'll graciously take you to bed, dear brother".

Hermione smiled and grabbed Fred's hand. "I'll go and study. Get rest". She tried to kiss his cheek but he angled his head so their lips met. Everyone around made "ooohh" sounds and she turned red while Fred laughed. "You did that on purpose", she said and left the boys by their own.

George and Lee immediately dragged Fred up the stairs to their dorm.

"Aren't you taking some new sleeping potion?" Lee asked. George threw Fred's med-bag on Fred's bed and Fred sat down next to it.

"Yeah but they don't prevent me from dreaming like the last ones", Fred explained and let out a yawn.

"And that means?" Lee coaxed.

"I still get nightmares. I might not hear voices anymore but I still get affected. I'm also more vulnerable when I'm asleep". Fred laid down and made himself into a ball.

"What were you... dreaming about?" George asked hesitantly and sat down on his own bed. Lee took his own seat behind Fred and started to rub his back. "It's okay if you don't want to tell us, but maybe it will help? I dunno, I'm not a psychologist or something like that".

"Well, you're better than the first psychologist I have talked to, to be honest", Fred said and shivered at the memories. "I don't want to get into details, but every dream hint that just because I'm labeled as insane... no one will believe anything I say". Lee's hand stopped.

"You really think that we won't believe anything you say just because you were wrong about ONE thing?" Lee asked. "Our friendship wasn't some mirage from your mind. I mean do you really think we would believe that your head made up all those messed up things? ... ehm, that came out a little too harshly". Fred laughed while burying his head in his pillow. Lee was glad that Fred didn't look up because he himself got the wrong idea from seeing George look away with a guilty expression. _What the actual fuck!? _Lee made a sound to get George's attention. He gave the other twin a _"we'll talk later" _look before turning back to Fred. "Is it creepy if I stay here until you sleep? Because you don't look like you want to be alone".

"Naah, you're my second husband so you better cuddle me until I fall asleep". Lee didn't know if Fred was joking or was so tired that he didn't think about what he was saying, but he laid down behind Fred and continued to rub his sides. George would have taken a picture if he didn't need to get out of there. Which he decided to do.

He walked down the stairs and out of the common room with quick steps, while hearing Hermione call after him. He sat down at the top of the moving staircase and tried to control his shaking hands. If only he hadn't wasted his three daily cigarettes already.

Hermione came out of the common room not long after. She didn't have to look around for long before spotting him (he didn't go that far after all). "You're having your shakes again, are you alright?"

"I'm thinking too much again", he answered. "Which is nothing you would ever expect me to say seriously without anyone joking about that I usually don't think".

"About what you were talking about before? What you overheard?" She asked and he nodded.

"Can you tell me now?"

"No we might as well wait for Lee".

"Lee?"

"Yeah he will come and look for me after he have cuddled your boyfriend to sleep".

"He's doing what now?"

Lee exited the common room and glared at George as soon as he saw him. "What the bloody hell is wrong with you?" Lee walked over to them. "Isn't it enough that you didn't use your eyes before, now you think he's lying about everything?"

George glared back at him. "I never said that _I _didn't believe him! I... ".

"Who's saying that he's lying?" Hermione asked even though her heart sank because she had a guess. "Or that his mental illness made him believe something that wasn't true?" Hermione said and George sighed.

"It's not only that our family don't believe that Fred can't be trusted about his own memories… they don't even believe that Loré even exists".


	22. Chapter 22

Hermione looked at George like he had grown another head that claimed to be his long lost triplett. Lee looked like he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

Lee took a step closer to George with his fists shaking. "This better be a bloody stupid joke, George. This is literally the last thing he fucking needs right now". _And the last thing we need right now. _Lee turned around and breathed in and out to calm himself before he started to laugh humorlessly. "What a fucking great irony! He's silent for so long that it nearly kills him and when he finally opens up and tell people… they don't even believe him!" Lee stopped laughing. "It's so cruel. SO fucking cruel. I don't even know what to say".

Hermione, not liking the tone in Lee's voice, decided to come forward with her own thoughts. "Why would they think that the... wait… you _know _about Loré, Lee?"

"He told me and about the girls recently… and he talk a lot before falling asleep… which is one of the reasons why I decided not to leave him alone until I was sure that he was fully asleep", Lee explained and turned to look at George again. "But yeah, tell me. Why don't they believe that the assault happened? Haven't so many people already confirmed that it did?"

"Not to them", George answered. "I was eavesdropping on their conversation. It seems like just because the voice - something that is horrible- turned out to not be real that the assault didn't have to be real either. Real as in something that wasn't made up in his mind. Especially because Fred didn't even remember anything of it before Ministry of magic's interference. Percy - being so fucking helpful - also chimed in with some basic psychology he read a while ago about how you can create fake memories by convincing someone that a certain thing happened. That git managed to hit the final nail on the coffin that Fred was most likely tricked". George glared at the ground.

"Even though creating false memories is one hundred percent possible", Hermione confirmed, partly because she wanted to show that she knew all about that stuff. "There are literal proof they could just ask for. I asked for more information once and there are even a confession by the disgusting man who did this to him. They would probably rather believe that Fred wasn't as harmed as he claims - because they don't want to believe that someone they care about went through something like that. They ignore proof against their beliefs because it's inconvenient to them. I'm not, NOT saying that I think what they are doing is right - I honestly believe that it's the worst thing they could be doing right now - but I understand how they are thinking… If I'm correct about this of course", Hermione said, but immediately regretted it because it wasn't the right time to explain how the Weasleys were most likely thinking in front of two people who were angry at said Weasleys. Luckily, the boys decided not to lash out at her for "trying to defend" them.

"I can understand that reasoning", Lee said and his shoulders slumped. "I can't say it _wouldn't _be a huge relief if it turned out that one of my best friends wasn't raped - don't look at me like that, calling it assault instead won't make it less of what it is. But this isn't about making it easier for me to sleep at night, it's about him and I believe him. There are bloody proof I wouldn't hesitate show your family".

George glared at him. "Is showing my parents the memory of their child being assaulted your answer to all this? Or do you want to force Bill, Charlie and Percy to watch it? Or what do you mean? I myself would rather not watch that and Fred wouldn't like us to watch that either". Lee opened his mouth to say something but closed it again and looked down at the ground, ashamed. George continued: "And we don't just use the word assault for Fred's sake, remember?"

Lee looked up and glanced at Hermione; even more ashamed than before. Hermione didn't feel like it was fair that Fred told everyone about his _encounter _without her telling about hers (even if Fred wholeheartedly disagreed that she should tell people before she was mentally ready). Krum might not have had the time to go _far _but it was enough for her to be very uncomfortable. She wasn't as traumatised by her memory as Fred was (hence why she didn't get any help for it, which was another choice Fred didn't agree with) and she knew she would get better in time. However, at the moment she was still a bit shaken up about it. The only perk of having a partner with similar experiences is that he at least understood her, even if she rather have no one having these experiences at all.

"I'm sorry, I forgot", Lee murmured to Hermione before turning to George. "And I'm obviously not suggesting that your family would have to watch when it happened… or maybe I did, quite brainlessly may I add. I didn't really think when I said that, but there are other proof! They can't ignore those forever!"

"Fred can never know about this", Hermione said sternly. "It would literally ruin him in two possible ways".

"Two?" George asked. "I can imagine him shutting down and make him give up easily because his family won't believe him when he finally opens up… not unlike what Lee mentioned before".

"Well there is a way that actually could turn out worse for him", Hermione said. "What if Fred actually started to believe them?"

"Believe them?" Lee repeated.

"Yes. Fred could actually start to believe that the assault never happened, which would make him question so much more about himself like the existence of anyone related to this. Like the people from the ministry, Dumbledore's influence, _our _influence in his life. He might never be able to trust his own memories again, never really trusting anything anyone says… just think about it, what would you do if you started to question everything? Question the existence of anything? Not knowing what is real and not knowing whatäs the point when no one could be trusted?" Hermione asked and the boys were silent for a while before they answered.

"I would become insane", Lee answered.

"I would probably commit suicide", George confessed, stone faced despite the look Lee gave him. It made Hermione fear that the similarities between the twins had gone to a really bad territory. This whole situation was taking a toll on George wherever he would admit that or not.

Hermione sighed. "I might be overreacting of course. The scenario you brought up will most likely happen if Fred discovers that important people in his life thinks his worst trauma never happened and Fred might not question his whole existence just because another horrible thing never really happened to him… but the risk is still there… Merlin's beard, I really hope no family member tries to confront him about his 'fake trauma'".

George laughed, but the laugh lacked just as much amusement as Lee's did. "I don't think we have that kind of luck, not at this point.

* * *

Jules looked at Fred's hands. "Are you doing that often? Chewing or scratching around your nails?"

"How do you know that I just don't have really dry hands?" Fred asked without looking at him.

"You have been picking at the scabs around your nails for a few minutes now", Jules said and Fred immediately put his hands under his thighs. "Don't worry, I won't bring this up with your parents. This is usually could either be a symptom of OCD, or - most likely in your case - anxiety".

Fred looked up at him with a raised eyebrow. "You don't count this as self-harm as well?"

"Are you doing this for the same reason as your self-harm?".

"No, It's almost never intentional. I always seems to be doing it without noticing. At first I was confused because of the random wounds showing up around my nails. Sometimes I only notice I'm doing it when I draw blood. I thought I was even more crazy, that I was at another level now when I self-harm without even trying… it actually makes me feel a little better that you have seen this before", Fred confessed and Jules smiled at him warmly. It made Fred a little uneasy, but he knew that was more because of himself than Jules. Someone who is meant to help other people with their mental problems being kind haven't really worked out for Fred in the past.

"Are you feeling more stressed now when you're back to school?"

"You have no idea. I don't think it will disappear even when people start to treat me like a normal non unique human again… Also, I can't stop feeling guilty, and not for any normal 'self-loathing reasons'", Fred said and made quotation signs with his fingers when he said _self-loathing reasons. _"It's because… I keep rethinking things… like no matter what I think about being saved from dying, I still tried it in front of so many innocent people. How many of them did my attention seeking ass traumatize? I don't care if me doing it in front of them saved me in the end, how is this fair? … I don't want you to cuddle me like people who aren't paid to care about me would".

Jules thought for a while in silence. "Even if your choice of place for your attempt wasn't good for anyone else's health… I don't think you should beat yourself up about it. What is done is done. You can apologize to them if you want to, but they are probably just stoked right now that you didn't actually die".

"Well most of them", Fred murmured without thinking and Jules stopped himself from leaning closer. He knew that personal space between Fred and him was really important. Jules had an inkling of what Fred was talking about.

"I know you have told everyone about the assault that happened when you were young. Have you told anyone about the girls who tried to assault you in the bathroom?" Jules asked. He remembered Fred mentioning that some of them were present when he tried to kill himself.

Fred looked away again. "My girlfriend knows about it… she didn't approve when I joked about them stopping themselves from going further as one of many perks of being a human cutting board".

"I'd imagine it to be a poorly timed joke, yeah", Jules answered with amusement clearly on his face. However, his expression turned serious quickly. "Why haven't you talked about the attempted assault with the others?"

"It's not the same thing… it is different. For example, the girls might not have understood that I didn't want to do anything with them because they seemed pretty confused… ".

"But you did make it pretty clear to them that you didn't want to do it", Jules cut him off. "They just choose not to listen. Are you sure there are no other reasons?"

"Well… we go to the same school still", Fred said and Jules decided to not comment on how he was once again picking at the skin around his nails. It would just take away his attention from the conversation.

"How does it feel to see them on a daily basis?"

"I feel nauseous, I can't even look at them. They can't look at me either, which confuses me as much as it makes me smug. Confused because they laughed at me when they figured out about the self-harm but aren't as smug about my suicide attempt. Smug because I kinda want them to suffer. It's like I don't have room enough in me to feel bad for bad people… does that make me one of them?"

"One of the bad people?" Jules asked and Fred nodded. "No one feels empathy for everyone… especially not people who aren't deserving of it. You're not a bad person for not forgiving bad people. You're even too nice to them".

"How come you say that?"

"You don't want to ruin their lives so you won't report them".

"It's only my life I'm ruining", Fred said.

**_"And all the other people the girls will assault next. You keep doing this shit over and over again". _**

"Mister Weasley", Jules said and waved his hand in front of Fred's eyes. "Is something the matter?"

Fred shook his head. "No. I'm just thinking a lot". Fred couldn't bring himself to tell Jules… or anyone else about _this _.

**_"Yes, that worked out so well for you last time. It's messed up to let those girls go. Fucking rapist lover". _**

Jules eyes him suspiciously. "The time is almost over. We're talking about this next time so it's best for you to get ready".

"Ready for what?"

"Actually deciding what you really want to do".

Fred wasn't sure that he knew what Jules was talking about.

* * *

George nodded approvingly at Lee who nodded back after they had checked Fred for new self inflicted wounds and had found none.

"This must be how strippers feel like in the beginning of their career", Fred said and put on his shirt again.

"You're not beautiful enough to be an erotic fantasy for middle aged men", Lee said and Fred looked at him; fake offended.

"How dare you", he said. "I'm perfectly attractive. ESPECIALLY for middle aged men!" Fred felt lucky that him, George and Lee were the only ones in the dorm.

**_"OR a little younger. Fathi was very young for his profession, wasn't he?" _**

Fred's mood dropped, but he refused to let it show. "_ And _I've heard tiger stripes are considered attractive".

"That's goes for stretch marks, you twat", Lee said and bonked him slightly on the head. "Not what you have".

"They are called scars, my dear friend", Fred said and turned his back towards the other two to take his morning medicin. George peered over his shoulder.

"That looks like a new pill bottle".

"Anxiety meds", Fred answered and plopped two into his mouth and swallowed them with water.

"I thought you already took pills for that".

"It was never officially declared that I was supposed to take them before", Fred told him. "I used to take a certain allergy pill with anxiety calming side effects, but now I take pills that are actually made for helping with anxiety", Fred chuckled. "I suspect my anti psychosis meds made me so numb that I didn't really feel feelings such as anxiety". Fred mentally slapped himself for saying too much when both George and Lee eyed him suspiciously.

**_"Or _****_I_ ****_can slap you mentally instead? Would make sense, right? You hit yourself and it's self-harm, but if someone else hits you, you are actually a victim. Just like you want"._**

"You ARE still taking them, right? Your medicine for psychosis… right?" Lee asked and crossed his arms over his chest. "Because you made it sound like you - you know- stopped taking them".

Fred smiled at them. "I never said that I stopped".

"You kind of did", George said and he sounded exhausted like he was tired of this kind of things coming up over and over again. It made Fred feel even more guilty.

He was saved from saying anything when someone entered the room which reminding them that they had places to go. Both Lee and George gave Fred looks that told him that they were going to talk more about this later.

**_"Well it was kind of stupid of you to want me back. Why did you do it?" _**

_"I don't know, alright?"_

* * *

Fred laid behind Hermione in his bed in Gryffindors dorm with his hands wrapped around her middle. He had managed to convince her to take a study break (or maybe she just felt really bad for him). They both had since long fell into a comfortable silence; deep in thoughts. Hermione turned her head to look at him.

"You're tuning us out again", Hermione said; in need to voice her thoughts.

"You're keeping something from me", Fred responded. "I guess we're both being dishonest".

"What makes you think _I'm _being dishonest?" Hermione asked, a little offended.

"The way you look at me. Like you want to shield me from something… my mom from the look of things. She wants me to write to her every bloody day so she knows I'm not dead, but you and George stare at me weirdly every time I send a letter… all I'm writing is that I'm alive".

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "That's all you write? I guess It's not a horrible thing to write because we're all happy that you are alive", she said the last part with a softer voice. "But You have this worrying habit of of making a light of this. I know joking about serious matters is kind of your thing, but finding different titles for yourself like cutting board and knife sharpener or joking about you being crazy… it's… I don't want to control you, but it is a little uncomfortable".

"I just don't know what else to do. It's either that or I'm stuck in my own thoughts like this", Fred said with a voice that broke at the end. "I'm someone who tells jokes, I'm sorry if I just make this harder for everyone… I just… this is what I do".

Hermione turned her entire body around in his arms and placed her hands on his chest. She kissed him on his cheek. "I know. But some things are just too … well, _fresh _. Maybe you should wait with some of the jokes. George and Lee might join your jokes, but they're uncomfortable too. There is too much truth behind your jokes, but they don't want to make it awkward when you make them".

That made Fred feel even worse, but it only made him more motivated to not harm himself (yet). At least for the time being. This kind of motivation was usually short lived. But if he wanted his friends and family (and girlfriend) to be honest with him he couldn't show them that they shouldn't be honest with him by proving that he couldn't take the truth. See, he could still think clearly.

Fred kissed Hermione's forehead. "Can you tell me things will get better", he whispered. "I know things will, but I… I just need to hear it".

Hermione kissed him softly. "Things _will _get better, but it won't be an easy ride I'm afraid", she said; knowing he wouldn't appreciate if she sounded too optimistic… not that she actually was overly optimistic. Don't take this the wrong way, she definitely thought he would get better, but there were too many things against him right now.

**_"She sounds sceptic". _**

"If that's what you think she are, you are deaf", Fred said… not realizing that he had said that out loud.

Hermione lifted her upper body from his embrace and looked down at him. "Who are you talking to? Because it's not me", she sounded angry.

Fred switched his position on the bed until he sat up with his legs crossed. "You're the only one here, Mione", he said and gestured to the empty beds. "Who else am I talking to?".

"Someone who's only there when a certain boy won't take his medication", She answered sternly with her arms crossed. "If this goes on, I need to tell your mom".

"She won't understand!" He exclaimed before quietly apologizing for raising his voice. "No one understands". He stood up from the bed and walked over to the window.

"So try to explain?" Hermione encouraged. "A medicine that almost immediately removes psychosises completely isn't something you find everyday in the muggle world".

"That's the thing, it's not doing that though", Fred said without looking at her. "It only silence him temporarily. I know he _might _disappear eventually but that's not guaranteed at all. My psychologist wants to talk about why I don't take the chance at temporarily getting rid of the voice… but I don't know what to say except for the fact that I'm lonely without him".

"But _we _are here", Hermione said. "You're not alone".

"I can't help what I'm feeling. I _know _that I'm not alone", he turned to finally look at her. "But I _feel _like I'm alone… maybe I've always felt alone, but… can we just change the subject, please".

Hermione picked up one of the pill bottles from Fred's bag and showed them to him. "Contains lithium. This is the medication, right? The one you won't take". Fred nodded, confused. "So take them".

"Hermione… ".

"I don't want to pressure you, you know that, but if you don't take these… I can't be silent about this. I won't leave your parents in the dark".

"Are you blackmailing me?" Fred asked, somewhat amused. Although in a bitter way. "That's a new thing. But really, you're overreacting. He isn't asking me to kill myself or something".

Hermione looked at him in disbelief and shook her head. "Watch yourself from my perspective, Fred please. You might have your logic, but I have my experiences".

Fred could have been angry at her for doubting him, but he couldn't feel anything but shame. From everyone's point of view; Fred was currently just doing what he was doing before he tried to commit suicide. The voice had truly hurt him in the past, so it was obvious that people would be fucking _worried _about him.

Fred walked over to her and took the bottle from her shaking hand. He propped the recommended dose in his mouth and swallowed it dry. It didn't go down smooth and left a slight pain in his throat. It kinda felt like the pills were stuck, but not in a way that was suffocating him. However, it didn't matter because Hermione smiled so warmly at him that his own mood became a little lighter.

"It won't help right away, you know", Fred said and she nodded and wrapped her arms around his middle.

"I know, but I really value the fact that you try for us", Hermione said. "I hope you'll one day try for yourself as well". Fred didn't say anything.

* * *

George was completely exhausted the next day because Fred had woken up in the middle of the night and locked himself in the shower. Apparently he had a really bad nightmare (might have been a memory) and didn't want to freak the others out while he was freaking out… ironically, a person who have shown that they could hurt themself when no one was looking and who was locking other people out freaked people off even more by locking himself away in a place where no one could get to him…. which of course made Fred feel like a bigger piece of shit. However, the other two boys in their dorm fell asleep almost immediately after the freak out and Lee went to bed eventually after some reasurment.

George couldn't fall asleep for more than a few minutes before he was overtaken by his own memories. He quickly decided to go over to Fred's bed (who wasn't asleep either) so they could talk and entertain each other for the rest of the night.

Both twins were currently picking at their food at the breakfast table. The silence was awkward and George didn't like how Fred probably used said silence to either hate on himself or maybe even listening to the voice (George couldn't recall him taking those pills that day).

"Your quidditch replacement isn't the worst but he is nowhere near as good as you. Compared to you… he sucks", George said, but Fred didn't look up. "When do you think you'll come back to the team? It's quidditch training tomorrow morning… ".

"I don't think our quidditch captain will want someone who might hit himself with a bat instead of the bludger", Fred joked with a laugh. There was a trace of truth to it though. "So no, I won't be returning to quidditch soon. I'll be watching the games though, so you better be amazing out there".

"Don't you want to return too? You love quidditch".

"I don't really love anything anymore", Fred said with a shrug and finally put a little piece of his food in his mouth. "Thought that was fairly obvious… I haven't even had the will to prank people… and isn't that the biggest part of my personality? Or is this depressed self pitying person I am who I really am?" George didn't know what to say.

"It's not who you are", he finally said, hesitantly. "At least not forever".

Fred finally looked at him with a soft smile… but what came out of his mouth sent shivers down George's spine.

"Are you sure? Did you ever really even know me?"

Fred returned to his meal and dropped the smile. George could tell that he regretted saying that to him, but George still couldn't help but wonder if what he said was true… did he ever really know Fred?

Fred suddenly chuckled. "Wow, sorry for sucking the light out of the room there. I guess I'm just in a worse mood than usual… don't look at me like that, I don't mean worse as in 'life isn't worth living anymore' sorta way. It feels like people are hiding something from me and my mind goes back and forth between me being right about this or just me being the same ol' paranoid maniac".

That was literally one of the last feelings George wanted to induce in his brother; doubt. His reality haven't matched up with everyone else's reality for a very long time - maybe it never had, who the hell knew? It almost made George tell him about their family's doubt in his memory, but he just couldn't. He hated this.

"I see my bad way of cheering you up didn't work", Fred commented when George was silent for too long. "Maybe I should just stop talking". George couldn't help but agree.

Lee, who had been sitting there talking to Angelina, decided to finally join their conversation.

"I'm not fully invested in what you're talking about, but it doesn't look like your conversation was a cheerful one", Lee commented.

Fred didn't answer, he just continued to either pick at his food or occasionally eating some of it.

George sighed and shook his head. "Not really, but they can't always be. What are you two talking about?" George asked, hoping to light up the conversation.

Lee beamed at him. "We're just talking about the next hogsmeade trip. Better take advantage of the opportunity before christmas".

Fred finally raised his gaze and looked at Lee. "Christmas? It's christmas soon?"

"There is snow outside, mate", George answered. "How out of reality are you?" He asked before realizing his poorly worded question.

"Enough to get a diagnosis for it", Fred joked and chuckled. "I guess I've missed the second triwizard tournament obstacle. I hope my breakdown didn't make Harry lose too much points in whatever he had to do".

"He did fine", Angelina assured. "Are you coming with us to Hogsmeade? Haven't been with my wife for a while".

"Well your wife was hysterical", Fred said with a smile.

Someone sat down next to Fred. "Wasn't hysteria cured by doctors poking around downstairs. Before people discovered that you can do sexual things without a penis?" Asked Hermione and everyone but Fred looked quite confused… even a little worried because of the implication that someone touching Fred like that would actually help him. Even if they knew it was a joke.

Fred nodded. "Those healing hands have left me better than ever", he joked and the other three sighed in relief. Apparently this psychology inside joke didn't freak him out.

"You're supposed to joke about things that we actually understand", Lee half-heartedly complained.

"Not my fault you weren't there", was Fred's response. "And going to Hogsmeade sounds great, but there are more than one trip left, right? Because I have an appointment the same day the next trip is now when all the dates are slowly coming back to me". He didn't need to say what kind of appointment he was talking about.

Angelina thought for a few seconds wherever she should voice her thoughts or not, but Lee beat her and asked the same question she and the others were wondering.

"Are you feeling like talking to that guy helps? I'd like to imagine that he's a better help than us… because I don't know how much we actually help you", Lee said and couldn't keep the eye contact with Fred for long.

Fred tapped his fingers on the table while thinking. "It helps, but it takes a little longer for me to trust a psychologist because… well, you know. You help too you know, but in another way. He helps me understand myself and my problems, but you give me strength to give a shit about what he's saying", Fred said and extended his arm past George and put his hand on Lee's neck. "And the cuddles I get before bed are a bonus".

Lee slapped his arm and George laughed. Angelina looked confused and Hermione rolled her eyes with an amused smile. Despite the joke, they were happy that he found them helpful.

"Wait. You all cuddling with him? Why am I excluded, we're married", Angelina joked and George looked down to hide his jealousy.

"Girlfriends before husbands", Fred answered. "Girl power".

"I'm not there when you fall asleep", Hermione said.

"I was talking about Lee", Fred answered. Hermione rolled her eyes again and kissed him goodbye before joining Ron and Harry who just entered the hall.

"First Jesus, then a girl", Lee murmured, but internally cursed when he realized that he reminded Fred of the Jesus thing.

Fred grinned. "I guess Jesus is one hell of a woman".

"Sod off", Lee answered.

"Don't turn this relationship verbally abusive, honey", Fred said and faked a sad expression.

Angelina decided to cut in. "So we'll go to Hogsmeade the trip after the next one? That's okay for everybody?" She asked and the three boys either nodded or mumbled a yes.

"But you three can still go of course", Fred quickly said, knowing where the conversation would be going next. "Don't feel like you're leaving me out of it. You can buy me christmas presents or whatever".

"So there is a hidden agenda behind this?" George asked and ruffled his hair. "We'll bring you some candy at least".

"You better", Fred answered and they continued to talk about light topics while eating. However, Lee had spaced out several times during the conversation. Fred decided to ask him about it later.

He didn't need to wait to talk to Lee. When they had finished eating and was on their way out of the hall, Lee tapped him lightly on the shoulder and Fred slowed down while George and Angelina continued to walk ahead of them; chatting and laughing.

"Something on your mind?" Fred asked, worried that Lee had a problem with him or something.

"Don't freak out on me", Lee said and bonked him lightly on his forehead."I'm just wondering if it's okay if I come with you to your appointment? Not asking if I can sit with you while you talk to the shrink of course! But just waiting outside or something? Or maybe I do something else and you tell George and Angie that I came with you!"

Fred raised an eyebrow. "Why would we fake that you come with me?" He asked and Lee scratched his own neck.

"Well I do want to come with you, but the important thing is that I have an excuse to not come with to Hogsmeade", Lee said as they exited the hall. Apparently neither George nor Angelina had noticed that they were two men short.

"Why do you need an alibi?" Fred asked. "Cuz I assume I am the alibi because no one would question if I asked for emotional support… or maybe they'll wonder why George aren't the one coming with me instead… ".

"I was the physically closest to you during a breakdown, if anyone asks", Lee chimed in.

"Okey, way to make people more worried about me. But why don't you want to go to Hogsmeade?"

"The alibi is because they would want an explanation to why I'm not going and I'm not up for taking any of the inventions to fake sickness right now", Lee said. "And I don't want to go because George won't stop being jealous of us interacting with her unless he gets a reason to not doubt that she liked him".

"Hmm", Fred said and started to stroke his imaginary beard. "That was awfully insightful of you".

"Oh get off it", Lee responded. "They need alone time without us. I mean, people think she is in love with you… and before you make a stupid comment asking why, you literally call yourself married and used to hug a lot".

"The married title is sarcastic!" Fred exclaimed and ignored the weird looks he got. "But a bloke and a girl being friends have historically raised those kind of thought".

"It have started to be the same for two guys being friends", Lee said with a sigh. "So far, only girls being friends are safe".

"That's because girls act so friendly with each other that people can't tell platonic and romantic apart", Fred chimed in. "But I agree that they could use some time together and you can come if you don't mind waiting for me outside".

Lee looked legitimately shocked; he clearly hadn't expected Fred to actually let him come. "You mean that?"

"It would make the trip there less boring and I'm sure they wouldn't mind. They would probably be less worried about me if I show that I have friends", Fred shrugged nonchalantly, but was secretly happy that Lee actually wanted to come with him.

Lee beamed at him. "Great", he clapped his hands together. "So it's decided".

"But it will be boring for you to wait", Fred warned.

"Yeah I know, but I can lighten up your mood after puking angst with an old man", Lee said and Fred chuckled. "Sounds lovely… George and Angelina still haven't noticed that we aren't even there, right?"

"Maybe they have but don't care", Lee said and they smirked at each other.

* * *

Jules fixated Fred with a smile as as Fred said a temporary goodbye to Lee before the door closed.

"I see that you brought a friend with you this time", Jules said as they settled down on their usual chairs. There was still a noticeable space between between them. One step at a time.

"Yes. People still want to be with me. Gives me hope", Fred commented. "Especially when I'm in a paranoid state of mind".

George hadn't been super happy about Lee going instead of him; partly because he felt betrayed that he wasn't asked to go and partly because he thought that he should have thought about asking him before Lee did. Being alone with Angelina was enough to drop most of the anger though.

"What are you paranoid about?" Jules asked. "That they will leave you?"

"Mostly paranoid because I think everyone hides things from me", Fred confessed. "And it doesn't make it better that I feel like I don't deserve knowing their secrets. Maybe they don't feel like I can take it because they feel like I might try to off myself again".

"Fear is a normal feeling to feel", Jules said. "Them being worried about your well being is better than them not caring".

"I agree with that", Fred said, smiling to himself. "No matter what my mind tries to tell me, I know that they truly care about me".

"That's good, Fred", Jules said and crossed his legs. "Do you remember what I mentioned last time?" Jules changed the subject.

Fred nodded, hesitantly. He knew what he was referring to, but he wasn't looking forward to it. Jules was probably just going to either talk him into or find a way to force him to take his pills.

"There is a new thing we have recently started to try with patients with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder who have a negative response to the medication. If you want do discontinue anti-psychosis medication, then I recommend we try this".

Okay, that was not what Fred had expected (clearly). "I'm all ears", Fred said and also tried to cross his legs, but it only felt uncomfortable so he switched back to his original position. "You're not going to suggest cutting me open, right?"

Jules chuckled. "Nothing like that, but there is electric shock therapy in case my suggestion doesn't sit well with you".

Fred raised an eyebrow. "Electric shock therapy?"

"It's a method used by muggles. We do use it occasionally, but we'd rather not. Hm… How do I explain electric shock therapy for a wizard", Jules tapped his finger against his chin as we was thinking. "Have you ever touched someone and both of you felt a slight pain followed by a little sound?"

"Yeah, especially when it's dry", Fred answered.

"That's a small dose of electricity. Imagine a more intense version of that going directly into your head. That's electric shock therapy…. I can see in your eyes that you think I'm joking. I'm not. It is a painful procedure, so painful you have to put something in the person going through it's mouth so they're not biting their tongue and starts to bleed… if you don't put them under of course. However, it is surprisingly effective with helping people with things such as chronic depression. It is of course risky like most things so if you were interested we would have to ask your legal guardians for permission because you're underage".

Jules found some amusement over how horrified Fred looked. Fred opened and closed his mouth several times before finally talking. "You were going to suggest something before we got into this… mind frying thing".

Jules chuckled. "My suggestion is nothing medical or surgical. You feel better by talking to me, correct?" Fred nodded. "Then I want to try to talk to the voice too".

"What? How? … why? The voice is… ".

"I know the voice is internal. So I want to talk directly to it _while _you tell me what it says", Jules explained and Fred couldn't help, but feel like this was going to be like when a parent jokingly talked to their child's imaginary friend.

** _"Don't group me with imaginary friends, Fred". _**

_"Because you didn't vanish when I grew older like imaginary friends does?" _

**_"No because it's degrading". _**

_"I don't give a f…". _

"I know it sounds silly", Jules said. "But maybe we could give it a try? For some patients, the voice have some purpose. Not saying it justifies it being there, mind you. But maybe your subconsciousness is trying to say something".

"I don't think it's subconscious that I don't like myself very much", Fred replied. "That's the message I get from him and it's pretty clear. I doubt there is something deeper".

"Won't hurt trying... unless you're uncomfortable with it. We can come up with a different plan for your treatment of course".

Fred thought for a few minutes; it couldn't hurt to try, especially if it meant that he could go without his anti psychosis medication longer. Because how could he take them if it wouldn't help with the treatment. This did also sound way more appealing than literally burning the insanity out of your brain with shock therapy.

"We can try", Fred said, hesitantly. "But I'm not sure if he wants to talk to someone else… Not that I've tried to make him do that before".

Jules wrote something down before his eyes returned to Fred. "Maybe he would like to be heard by other people. Before we begin, make sure you sit comfortably - you can even sit or lay down on the couch over there if you'd like. Then close your eyes and breath in and out slowly".

"Why do I need to close my eyes?" Fred asked. "You're not trying to hypnotize me, are you?"

"It will make it easier and it might be less weird for you if you don't have to look at me while you translate what the voice in your head is saying".

"True that", Fred replied and closed his eyes. He inhaled and exhaled deeply a couple of times before Jules spoke again.

"Now I am addressing the voice. Do you want to speak with me?"

**_"This is fucking ridiculous. You're an imbecile and he is a useless psychologist. Like people like him are". _**

"He is not really answering your question", said Fred. He started to doubt that Jules would be able to make the voice communicate with him. Jules however didn't look concerned.

"Is he silent or what did he tell you?" He asked.

"Removing the harsh words", Fred started and Jules looked nodded at him to continue (or at least that was what Fred assumed he was doing. He still had his eyes closed, but he knew enough about Jules to predict minor things like that). "He thinks this thing we're trying is ridiculous and insulted you and psychologists in general… he did throw in an insult at me as well, as expected".

"I am again talking directly to the voice", Jules still sounded just as calm as usual. "You don't like psychologists, am I right? I know the other two before me have dirtied the title, but I can assure you that there are good ones as well".

"He… he is asking if you consider yourself one of the good ones". It was implied that Fred did and would continue to censor his words considerably to filter all the mean things and insults the voice was known for saying.

"I would say that yes. I have helped many people".

"He asked if… ", Fred looked visibly uncomfortable now. "He is asking if you like to be alone with little boys".

"Not in the way I enjoy being alone with my wife. I know what you're implying. I only want to help people. Fred is safe with me and he would probably rather not hear about these kind of things".

"He says he don't care about me", Fred replied. "But he will let the subject drop".

"I don't believe that's true", Jules answered and adjusted his position.

"I tried to kill him and have bullied him for years". Fred suddenly started to talk like the voice now had taken over his body and really talked to Jules directly. Obviously Fred just decided to do this to make it easier. Maybe he was trying to dissociate from the situation or he just thought this would be better.

"No. Fred thought that dying would help and that he deserved being treated badly. You probably thought you were doing the right thing because you share the same mind", Jules said.

"M… M-maybe". Jules could see in Fred's face how surprised he was by that answer. "But that can't be true, not really… I have been with him since long before he wanted to die… before his first brain healer decided to...".

"You're not talking about that right now. Don't do this to him, we're _not _talking about that", Jules said much more sternly than Fred had heard him before. Fred was thankful though because his hands started to shake because of the memories the voice tried to bring up.

"Y-you… you still got my point", Fred said quietly. Jules knew that the tone in Fred's voice didn't match the tone in the voice in his head at all. The feelings Fred conveyed were more emotional than the mean spirited foul mouthed bully's… at least that was the impression Jules got.

"Maybe you have changed your objective since then. I can't tell if Fred did have bad mental health before you appeared or if you are the cause of his problems rather than a symptom of them. Maybe you were just annoying at the start, but now you are actually trying to convey something".

"Something other than to remind this useless cunt about how useless he is?" Jules vinced at the sudden foul language, but didn't call Fred out for it.

"To me it sounds like you're trying to control him. The eating disorder, the insults, the self destructive behavior you're encouraging… Maybe it all could be a reflection of Fred's bad self-esteem, but I can't rule out other options. Especially when it strongly feels like you are in fact controlling him".

"I can't control anything he does. I'm a voice, not someone who can control his actions".

"But you are doing you best to encourage him to do things you want him to do".

"He wants to slice his wrists as well".

"I don't think we should go into details in that area as well. You talked him into it, starting a long lived addiction".

"It helped, didn't it? With the pain?"

"So you were trying to help him?"

"No he deserves to be punished".

"But you used the word _help. _It seems like there are two conflicted sides within you". Jules immediately wrote in his notes.

"Aren't you Fred's shrink? Why trying to analyze me?"

"It looks like you're conflicted between helping him and treating him just as bad as he thinks he is. Maybe you were created by a staggering coincidence, maybe you were a dormant gene that took over when Fred went through his first ever unexplainable moment in his life he never got the time to heal from. Your purpose might have been non existent at the beginning, but what you have become have probably been influenced by his personality and life experiences since then. What are you trying to save him from?"

"Well he is a fucking monster, isn't he? Tell me, how many people did Loré hurt because Fred didn't tell anyone about him?"

"That's unfair to say. That man hurt people before you met him. Would you call his previous victims monsters because they didn't or couldn't tell anyone else about him?" Fred stayed silent so Jules continued. "Or is it different because it's Fred?"

"It's… it's different".

"How is it different? Am I still talking to the voice or is it Fred this time?"

"I don't… I don't know", Fred said and clenched his still shaking hands. Jules thought it was enough for today, considering Fred's reaction.

"Fred, you can open your eyes again. I want to talk to you now". Fred opened his eyes and forced himself to look at Jules. "I'm not disappointed if you don't want to continue this next time. You seem quite upset. I'm sorry that I caused you distress".

Fred swallowed and intertwined his hands to try to keep them still, without success. "You shut him up, he was… _confused _and _surprised. _You managed to catch him of guard. He really didn't like that, but I want to continue this. It feels like we're getting somewhere".

Jules wanted to know if the voice was currently saying something insulting to Fred because of what Jules had said, but he knew that Fred wouldn't appreciate that. Not now. Instead he nodded at Fred and eyed Fred's hands suspiciously.

"We can continue with this treatment next time, you're exhausted". Jules stood up. "I know that you're not comfortable with me to stand too close to you yet, but do you want me to get your friend so he can calm you down? I can even leave the room for a few minutes if you want".

Fred nodded eagerly and Jules walked over to the door and opened it. Lee was sitting on a chair on the right side of the door. He immediately stood up; most likely expecting to see Fred.

"We're not done quite yet, but Fred have asked for you", Jules explained and Lee nodded. They walked past each other and Jules closed the door behind him. Lee looked around until his eyes landed on the anxious redhead.

"Are you okay?" Lee asked and walked over to him, grabbing his hands to make sure Fred didn't dig his nails into his palms. A habit all of Fred's friends had at this point.

Fred nodded. "I'm just a little overwhelmed. I needed my bridesmaid's gentle touch", Fred answered, somehow still sounding very serious.

"Am I your lesbian lover that calms you down before you enter a dysfunctional marriage with a man?" Lee asked. Keeping the conversation light seemed to be what Fred needed at the moment.

"Exactly", Fred answered. "But seriously, you don't need to worry too much. This shit is supposed to be emotional".

"Why am I taking over your psychologist's job?" Lee asked. "I'm not against helping you, don't misunderstand my question. But why isn't he comforting you?"

"Because he knows about my past with people trying to help me with my mental help. He doesn't want to make me uncomfortable", Fred explained.

"Sounds like a smart guy", Lee commented and pulled Fred up from his chair and pulled him towards the couch. They sat down next to each other and Lee let go of Fred's hands that had stopped shaking somewhat. Lee decided to change the subject because Fred's distress was still undoubtedly present. "How do you think it goes for George and Angie?"

Lee wiggled his eyebrows and Fred grinned. "George would probably claim that they had fun as friends - I highly doubt he would confess anything to her yet. Not because he is a coward, he probably doesn't know when to make the move. I'm also not sure he is completely convinced that she isn't in fact into me.

"I get the first part, even if I think that if you can date someone then so can he", Lee said and Fred had to agree. "And about him thinking that Angie likes you… I mean, could be. Being dense seems to be a family trait. However, everyone seeing you and Angie together would probably think that you're two gay people being best friends".

"Thanks Lee".

"You're welcome. Speaking about relationships, how's you and Hermione?"

"It's good so far", Fred said while chewing on his bottom lip. "I'm worried about her and the future of our relationship… but maybe I should talk to Jules about this instead".

"No, no, no. Explain yourself to me now", Lee said and leaned in closer to Fred. "And stop biting your lip, it looks like it started bleeding". Fred complied.

"I know she isn't feeling her best, she haven't for a while. I have asked if she wants to talk to someone as well, but she denies needing that yet. Apparently I have helped her a lot… I suspect she feels a little guilty for not being able to do the same for me".

"Well… love curing bad things is a stupid fictional trope - to quote Hermione of course, you know I'm not literate. Yes loved ones can help - for some it might be all they need because they didn't need much help to begin with - but most people need more than love to heal. I mean, you're not hearing voices because you're touch starved".

Fred chuckled. "I guess you're right, wow you have become so wise".

"I give Dumbledore a run for his money".

"Not as much as I do. He have paid for a lot of our expenses here… so have the ministry just to keep me from suing them for traumatising me".

"Sounds fair", Lee said. "So this thing, is that the reason why you're worried about the future of your relationship?"

"Partly", Fred said, scratching his neck. "I obviously feel like I'm putting unnecessary stress on her… but I'm also kind of jealous and insecure about things".

"Well she is quite bright, but being jealous of that doesn't sound like you", Lee said even if he kind of knew that her intelligence wasn't what Fred was talking about.

"No I'm jealous of the same thing that makes me insecure - which is not her bright mind, mind you. It's… well, it's related to the thing that she doesn't need as much help as I do… she is recovering much faster than me. She doesn't flinch if I accidentally touch places I shouldn't, she have no problem with hearing Krum's name and she have denied having any nightmares… I know we're completely different people with completely different experiences and therefor cope and react differently… but, she might soon want things I can't give her yet. She might be ready for things I wouldn't even dream of doing yet".

"Are you talking about what I'm thinking about?" Lee asked. Talking about sexual things was considerably easier when you were joking so he didn't really look forward to this conversation. Fred had mentioned this fear before though so it might be a good idea to actually discuss it… and to save George from doing it. "Because you know Hermione wouldn't be angry at you about it. It's not like she have jumped into bed with people on a regular basis or anything before the Yule ball. I think she is okay with waiting when she isn't uncomfortable with it anymore".

"I know, I know", Fred said and buried his head in his hands. "I also know that I should talk to Hermione about this when the time comes… I guess I just can't stop worrying about something all the time. My thought process is weird. Sometimes I think I'm not ready for a relationship, but then I remember that I can't imagining breaking up with her when I like her so much and when we actually help each other. Sometimes I want to tell everything I think about, but then I feel extremely bad about sharing things. Sometimes I feel like people are hiding things from me, but then I remember that people might just want to be careful around me because I'm still an over sensitive baby. The emotional and the logical part of me is constantly pushing each other away. I don't know what the right choices are anymore".

"Fred I… I don't really know what to say", Lee confessed.

Fred laughed bitterly. "I guess I have forced all of you out of your comfort zone since I broke down. I don't expect you to have any answers here. _I _was the one answering _your _questions here. Because you asked what I meant... But it feels better to vent, I must admit".

The door opened before anyone could say anything more and Jules stepped in. He didn't have to look long before he found the boys. Lee knew that he was supposed to leave the room now so he stood up.

"We don't have much time left so I would like to talk a little more with Fred and round up this session and then you two can return to Hogwarts", Jules said.

Lee nodded and gave Fred's shoulder a gentle squeeze before leaving the room. Jules sat down on his usual chair when the door closed.

Fred straightened his position. "Thanks for letting him come in".

"Don't thank me. It seemed like the most logical solution".

"One day I will be able to sit close to you without being afraid", Fred promised before looking sheepishly at the ground. "You probably don't appreciate me - someone you're supposed to help - being afraid of you".

"I understand why you're afraid. I'm only angry at the person who made you so scared of people like me. We're supposed to help people and I intend to do that to the best of my abilities. You're also far from the only one have difficulties with talking to psychologists for reasons in your past. It's a surprise that you are even okay with talking to me because I'm a man. There have been a lot of female patients asking for female psychologists because of their past with men and some patients have a problem trusting adults in general because of the adults they have met before. If we're here to help people, we don't take these things personal", Jules explained and it made Fred feel a little better.

"How do you handle talking to people with messed up problems?" Fred asked. "I can't imagine doing that for years every day without feeling emotionally exhausted".

"We handle it the same way as our patients, by going to a psychologist", Jules answered matter of factly. "As ironic as that may sound".

"It makes sense I guess. But I can't say that I expected that answer".

"Psychologists aren't immune to misery, it's unfortunately not one of the perks", Jules said and Fred snorted when he chuckled at the small joke. "But back to the subject. You want to continue with this communication I had with the voice next time?"

"Yes. I'm not sure how that will help in the long run but it did something".

"That's good. I'm sorry that the conversation made you upset. Is there something you want to talk about before we finish this session?"

"I can't think of anything right now, no", Fred responded.

"Okay. I'll see you next time", Jules said and they shared a smile before Fred left the room.

* * *

Like Fred had predicted; George hadn't confessed to Angelina yet, but a conversation with Angelina made Fred think that Angelina might be the one to take the first step. They seemed to have a good time though and George luckily didn't forget to bring back chocolate.

Now Fred, George, Lee and Angelina were on their way to Hogsmeade and Fred was feeling a mix of excitement and dredd. He hadn't been at Zonko's for a while and he really appreciated time away from the school, but he really wanted to spend some quality time with his girlfriend and was paranoid that the rumor about the "suicide boy" had reached Hogsmeade.

Things had calmed down at school since he had returned, but that was mostly because people were used to him now. Maybe he was just being silly, no one there probably even knew who he was… they might not even have heard about what he did as well… because why would they? Yes, he was being incredible silly.

After staying too long at Zonko's, they dragged themselves to three broomsticks for butterbeer. Because christmas was approaching, it was pretty cold outside.

"This feels nice", Angelina commented. Fred and Lee had made sure that she was sitting next to George… and neither Angelina or George was oblivious to that fact, but didn't say anything about it. "It's so bloody cold".

"I agree… makes me more of an idiot for not noticing how cold it was before", Fred commented.

"There are bigger idiots out there", George assured and looked around. "Madam Rosmerta seems to be stuck at a table over there. The men there seems to have been drinking too much so I'm thinking of trying to save her so we can finally order".

"You would have sounded so selfless if you hadn't said the last part", Lee teased. "But don't worry, she is coming this way now. No need to be a knight".

"A knight ey?" Madam Rosmerta said as she approached their table. "What can I get for you?"

Angelina ordered for them before Rosmerta left and then turned to loom at George. "What was your plan? Beating up three older drunk men? Your quidditch muscles won't go that far for you, little boy".

George scratched his neck with a sheepish expression and Fred clapped him hard on the back. "Don't underestimate him. Holding a bat is no easy task".

Lee looked at Fred. "I think you're slowly becoming the least impulsive twin, mate".

"No!" Fred responded, dramatically. "Save yourself George! You couldn't have saved Rosmerta, but you can still be your own knight!"

"Sod off", George mumbled and stood up.

"You gonna go and see if Madam Rosmerta needs help carrying the tray with our drinks?" Angelina teased. "If you still want to be her knight".

"I'm going to pee", George answered and squeezed past her to get out of the booth.

"You hope we'll find someone else to make fun of before you get back?" Lee asked, smirking, but it sounded more like a statement than a question.

"Maybe, you all are stupid. You'll find something else", George murmured and walked away.

Fred cupped his hands around his mouth and yelles: "Pee like a champion!" Before turning back to the other two. "Not bringing up something sad so far is a huge accomplishment for me", he joked.

"Well you seem more relaxed now", Lee answered.

Madam Rosmerta came with their drinks and they paid her before she left.

"I guess you're right", Fred answered and took a sip from his butterbeer. "It feels weird consider how stressful things still are".

"Maybe, but I gotta say that it's still admirable", Angelina said. "You being able to be at least a little happy when things are shitty, that is. Not a complaint, I obviously prefer you being happy".

Fred chuckled. "Well things are going up. It's not as bad as it used to".

Angelina looked at him with hopeful eyes. "Does that mean that you have finally talked to your parents?" She asked and Lee, not sensing the danger yet, continued to gulp down his drink.

Fred furrowed his eyebrows and chuckled again, but more hesitant. He was confused… but also suspicious. "They force me to write to them everyday. It's not like I'm ignoring them".

"So you _have _talked it out? How did it go?" Angelina hesitantly asked and Lee choked on his drink; finally realizing what was happening. When they told Angelina about Fred's family's doubt in him, they neglected to tell her that Fred didn't actually know about it yet. Lee was too preoccupied with coughing up his lungs to make Angelina stop talking.

"Talk to them about what?" Fred asked, sounding a little angry now, while Angelina scowled at Lee to be careful with his drink.

Angelina opened her mouth to reply but realization quickly dawned on her and she leaned over the table and hit Lee on the shoulder.

"You moron! He doesn't even know! Does he!?" She exclaimed and Fred hit the table hard enough to grab his friend's attention (and hurting his hand in the progress).

"Doesn't know what, Lee?" He asked through compressed teeth. "Is there something I have missed?"

Lee raised his hand in a gesture to tell him to wait or slow down until he could catch his breath. Angelina glared one last time at Lee before grabbing Fred's sore hand.

"I swear I thought you knew about this. I was _not _in on the decision to keep this from you", she begin and continued to talk before he could angrily ask her what the hell she was talking about. "It's - as you know - about you family… they… they think… they think you are… you know… ".

"No I don't, spit it out", Fred said and fought the urge to violently hit Lee on the back so he could stop wheezing and coughing. He didn't care if he was being mean right now; they had helped him to convince himself that he was just being paranoid about people hiding something from him. Angelina might not have deserved his anger (because she didn't know about his ignorance) but logic couldn't be applied right now.

Angelina sighed. "You know how you have been suffering by something that doesn't actually exist and therefore have had a difficult time telling reality apart from your mind?" Fred swallowed his mean reply about that and nodded. It was obvious that Angelina wanted to look away from his eyes, but fought against it. "Well… your family - at least Bill, Charlie, Percy and your parents… they think some parts of your pasts are… you know, _also _in your mind".

There was a suffocating silence between them, only Lee's hard and labored breathing was heard. His breathing slowed down before he finally looked at Fred; eyes slightly watery from choking on his drink and coughing up most of it again.

"Fred… I…".

Fred cut Lee off. "What do they think I'm making up?" Angelina and Lee didn't like how calm he sounded… nor how his eyes were starting to get watery.

Lee looked down at the table. "I… I think you know already".

Fred looked up for a few seconds while blinking; no doubt trying to prevent himself from crying. He then lowered his gaze, but looked away from them. Fred chuckled humorlessly and nodded.

"They think my biggest trauma is a lie?" Fred asked and chuckled again, this time shaking his head. "Then why the fuck did I ever tell anyone anything to begin with? I thought people were supposed to believe me now, but fuck me right? When I tell them about my nightmares about what happened, are they just rolling their eyes and assuring each other that I one day will stop playing pretend?"

Fred started to laugh again, he let go of Angelina and leaned his head on his hand and started to chew on his finger to stop himself from laughing. Angelina and Lee shared a look; both were worried and really hoped George would come back soon.

"Everyone else believes you, Fred", Angelina said carefully. She was just about to tell him that he would have been worse of if he didn't tell anybody about his trauma when she was caught off guard by a certain memory. She knew before Fred's suicide attempt that he had been feeling bad because she had walked in on him violently harming himself not long before. She didn't know why she started to suddenly think about that, but she couldn't snap herself out of the image of Fred tearing up his arms; spilling a copious amount of blood on the floor… with that empty look on his face.

Lee, seeing that Angelina seemed to be stuck for some reason, decided to take over. "It was a good thing that you told us about what happened to you. We don't think that you're full of shit. Just like Angelina said, we believe you".

The death glare Lee received from Fred almost made him flinch. "Believe me?" Fred spat out. "You didn't believe in me enough to tell me that the majority of my family thinks I'm crying wolf!... it's a muggle reference!" Fred explained when he saw the confused look Lee had on his face. "It means that they think I'm crying over nothing… like I'm a little child being traumatized my nightmares… ". Fred looked at him with a stern look before chuckling again. "Not only have I damaged your trust in me, you're bloody scared of me".

"I'm not scared! It's just… off putting when you're laughing like that".

"Laughing?" Fred said and muffled a laughter on the back of his hand. "I'm not laughing, _he _is laughing!"

"The voice?"

"Who fucking else laughs at my misery!?" Fred exclaimed and Angelina snapped out of her state of mind. It was a miracle that no one else had been disturbed by them yet.

"Fred… ", she started to say.

Angelina started to feel nauseous, the same nausea she had felt when Fred was carried to the hospital wing after his self-harm and when he was sent to st. mungus after attempting to take his life. She wanted to either throw up or cry, she wanted Fred to calm down so this feeling could disappear, but that would obviously not happen. Fred stopped laughing and started to try to blink away his tears again. Angelina scooed over closer to him but he shuffled away until he fell down to the ground. Lee and Angelina looked at him sadly while he stood up and brushed away dirt from his clothes.

"Does… does Hermione also know?" He asked and clenched his fists when they looked away from him. "You know what? … No, wait… just… I'm so fucking done". He turned away and started to walk to the door with quick steps.

Both Angelina dn Lee flew up from the booth and started to run towards him while calling his name. Only Angelina managed to leave the building just as Fred did because Lee managed to run into George, who just came back from the toilet, and both of them fell to the ground.

"Wait, Fred!" Angelina called and almost slipped but grabbed the wall for support. "What do you mean with _done _!?"

Fred refused to stop; he just continued to walk away. "Just leave me alone. I can't be… I can't see any of you right now… I'm too _mad… _I'm fucking losing my mind here! I don't care if it sounds like I'm overdramatic!"

"I don't want you to be by your own right now!"

"Because I tried to off myself last time!?"

"Because you're a self-destructive mess!"

Fred stopped for a moment and glared at her before storming off. Angelina tried to run after him but fell over as soon as she let go off the wall and took a step on the ice. Just as she finally managed to stand up again; Lee and George stormed out of the building and ran into her so all three fell to the ground.

"We gotta catch up to him!" George exclaimed as all three struggled to get off the snow covered ground. He sounded extremely freaked out, Angelina assumed Lee quickly explained to him what had happened after they fell to the ground.

"Why the bloody hell didn't he know about this before!?" She exclaimed and finally forced her body upright. She wobbled a couple of times before she had gotten her balance back. "Did you fuckers really think he was never going to figure it out!?"

Angelina grabbed George's arm and roughly pulled him up. Lee managed to stand up as well and held back a sarcastic thanks for helping him up.

"We know we fucked up but we gotta go after him!" Lee exclaimed. "There is no time to fight about this now".

Angelina reluctantly let go of George who had started to hyperventilate because of his worry over his brother. "Calm down George, he can't have gone far", she said, with a softer voice than before. "If we hurry, we'll find him in no time so we can talk this through".

_But no matter how long they searched. Even hours later, they couldn't find him._


	23. Chapter 23

Angelina, Lee and George found each other again outside of Zonko's after splitting up to search for their lost friend. They were currently arguing about who was going back to school to get help and who would stay in case Fred was found.

"Of course I will be the one who stays!" George exclaimed. "I need to fix this with him, I didn't get to talk to him before and… ".

"You think you could have done it better!?" Lee threw his hands up. "It wasn't that easy George! You weren't there! He wouldn't have listened to you!"

"I agree", Angelina said. "The way he looked when he figured out that Hermione knew about this… I'm not completely sure that he wouldn't have attacked you".

George glared at her. "My twin isn't some aggressive monster!"

"Maybe not, but even so. You would not be the best person for him to see right now. You dumbasses decided to lie to him! He needs someone who actually says they believe him and then _sticks _to it", Angelina said and continued to talk when George was about to respond. "And I know _you _want to fix _your _mistake, but this isn't about you! _You _need to fix this later, _he _needs help calming down right now by someone who can help him sort out his feelings! … and I don't know about you, but that person probably doing that right now being the voice in his head isn't really a comforting thought".

Lee looked defeated; realizing that Angelina was probably the right choice… but he was also slightly relieved that he wasn't a strong contendant for staying in Hogsmeade because he didn't know what the fuck he was going to say to Fred. He was pretty lost in this situation. The suggestion to let both George and Angelina stay was left unsaid because Fred would probably either feel intimidated or refuse to listen to hat they had to say because of his anger towards George.

Some of George's anger faltered slightly. Now he looked mostly desperate. "Angelina, please… he is my brother".

"He is my brother too!" She exclaimed and that really did something to George. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Even if he knew that Fred didn't like her back, he had always been paranoid about her feelings for his brother. The happiness quickly drowned; partly because of guilt for thinking about this right now and partly because of the previous anxiety he felt over the situation.

"Okay, you stay", George agreed with a quiet voice. "Maybe you can talk some sense into him… and I'll go and warn Hermione that Fred might break up with her of cheer impulse… and obviously warn the adults". They nodded at each other before George and Lee hurried away from Hogsmeade. Angelina was pretty sure that she was supposed to go back soon as well because it was turning late, but there was no way she would leave without her friend.

She decided to go back to three broomsticks to (once again) see if Fred had cooled down and returned there to either look for them or trick the people to give him stronger liquor. Angelina didn't mind either option at this point.

When she arrived at three broomsticks; he wasn't there, but she wasn't that surprised. She looked at Madam Rosmerta who only gave her a sympathetic look in return. Angelina left and started to look around. She tried to think about all the places Fred could have hid, but only places she had already visited came up. It would have been much easier if she had at least met people she knew from school around Hogsmeade, because asking strangers about Fred's whereabouts didn't sound very productive because they wouldn't know about him… or maybe some strangers, like unfamiliar Hogwarts students, would in fact recognize the "suicide boy". Either way, Fred might not be so happy if she spread his mental breakdown around, especially not if that made people think he was going to attempt to take his life again. Angelina didn't actually think that we would try doing that… or at least she did her best to tell herself that he wouldn't. No matter what the logical part of her brain said, she couldn't get that thought out of her mind and she knew George and Lee felt the same. Because why else would they try so hard to find him as fast as possible instead of waiting for him to come to them when he was ready? Anyway, _maybe _asking people about his whereabouts might be for the better, even if she didn't know them. Or instead of trying to explain the situation at all to them she could just ask around for a angry red head.

Angelina decided to visit one of the cafe's. It was a place Fred wouldn't really go to under normal circumstances… nor while being angry and wanting to be alone neither now when she thought about it. But maybe he thought clearly enough to actively go for places where no one would look for him at?

A little bell above the door pinged when she entered the small building and she looked around. She saw one familiar face, Oliver's, and it made her a little more optimistic. But he seemed to be on a date with somebody so she decided to not interrupt him to ask for Fred. Besides, Oliver wouldn't just been sitting there chatting calmly with someone knowing how Fred was at the moment. She decided to leave instead, it might not be necessary to make Oliver worry as well.

She asked a few girls she met just outside the café about Fred, but they couldn't provide her with any new information. She hated his, truly hated this; she felt hopeless and clueless. Where the _fuck _did he go!?

* * *

Mr. and Mrs. Weasley showed up almost immediately after George and Lee, with the help of mcgonagall, sent for them. They, especially Molly, demanded to know why no one was out there looking for him and why he had ran away in the first place. They were fully aware that he was in a horrible state of mind and therefore shouldn't be alone.

"We have someone that he is not as angry with who is after him", Lee explained. "I don't think he would appreciate too many people after him anyway, especially people he don't want to see. Hence why me and George are here instead of trying to find him".

"Why wouldn't he want to see you?" Arthur asked. "What happened between you?"

George didn't like the tone in his voice. It sounded like it was originally his and Lee's fault that Fred felt betrayed… okay it was _partly _their fault, but that's the magical word: partly.

"It's not that something happened between us!" George exclaimed. "It's about something _you _said that we tried to keep from him, but Angelina didn't know that we kept it from him and accidentally told him!"

"What _we _did?" Molly asked, confused, and her anger subsided a little. "What are you talking about?"

Mcgonagall interrupted them before George could answer. "I can leave the room so you can talk more privately", she suggested, sensing that she wasn't supposed to listen to this conversation, and left the room.

George continued as soon as the door closed behind her, before his mother could repeat her question. "He knows that you think that he was never assaulted! That it was just something his mind made up!"

Mr. Weasley looked like he wanted to say something, but Mrs. Weasley beat him to it.

"George", she said, patiently and a little too partonizing for George's liking. "Your brother have a serious mental illness that makes him hear and see things that don't exist and hurt himself. The voice have hurt him for a long time so it is a possibility that it also just made up horrible scenarios in his head".

George and Lee looked at her in disbelief. "You think that… ", Lee hesitated. "That Fred made it up as a form of self-harm? It feels like it's just something _you _came up with on the spot, no offence Mrs. Weasley".

"There are literal proof of what he went through!" George exclaimed, not caring anymore if he made her angry because he himself was furious. "Dumbledore wasn't paying for Fred's expenses just because he felt sorry for us, he paid because he felt guilty! Fred's memories are real! Stop pretending like he isn't as hurt as you think because it makes you feel less shitty about it!"

Molly's face turned red and she was just about to give him a piece of her mind when Arthur put a hand on her shoulder. Molly looked up at him. "Maybe we should stop being in denial about this, Molly", Arthur said, looking more broken than George had ever seen him.

"But…", Molly began but then became quiet and looked down at the ground. The redness immediately disappeared from her face and her eyes started to water.

George hated seeing her sad, it made him almost prefer her anger she felt previously. He knew she didn't remain oblivious until now because she didn't trust Fred, but because she it truly hurt her to think of the pain he went through. Maybe it was selfish, but George couldn't judge her. Thinking back on their lives, there were several hints to Fred's distress that Fred hadn't been as good at hiding as he thought. Hints that George should have been able to see, but somehow didn't because he always made up innocent excluses for them in his head or accepted Fred's _own _poorly thought up excuses. So no, he couldn't judge her, especially when he couldn't even imagine how it would feel like to have a child going through this.

That last thought made his blood turn cold. Would he have to go through this as a parent as well? The healers said that Fred's scizo-something was probably a dormant gene triggered by a traumatic event. Which meant that Fred's family members, most likely George, had the same genetic vulnerability for it… would that mean that George's children would have it as well?

His mother's sobs broke him out of his thoughts. _Now it's not the time anyway to have a parental crisis. _Molly buried her face into her hands and Arthur turned her body towards him to pull her into a hug.

"My baby… my.. he", She burst out crying and Arthur whispered things to her to try to calm her down even if he himself was breaking as well.

Lee looked very awkward and George wasn't sure what he was supposed to do. He wanted to make her stop crying, even if he one minute earlier wanted nothing more than make her understand the error of her way. He also really wanted to check if his brother was back yet, but logically he probably should… should find Hermione and warn her about Fred's state of mind.

George stood up slowly. "I'm... _glad _that you finally believe him. You're not a bad parent, mom. You don't want your children to be hurt and I think Fred will understand that if you talk to him later… hopefully he'll forgive me as well. He can't be angry forever". Molly nodded and the door to the office opened. It was Hermione, followed by Ron and Harry. It felt way too convenient for them to suddenly appear so George concluded that Mcgonagall found them and told them about the situation. Harry looked a little uncomfortable, like he didn't think he was supposed to be a part of the conversation. Despite Harry not being a relative or romantically involved with Fred like Hermione… to George's knowledge (wow George, great timing for that joke) Harry still felt like family so George personally didn't have a problem with him being there.

Hermione looked George in the eye; she was clearly upset and worried. "What happened!? Why did Fred run away? Where is he!?" She asked, trying her best to stay calm.

"He's probably just trying to calm down, Hermione", Harry said carefully. "I don't think he would try to do anything drastic. Isn't he feeling guilty enough about what he did last time he felt very upset?"

Hermione turned to look at him. "Many people don't think rationally in times of emotional distress. It doesn't matter how clear he is in the head normally; all that logic gets buried underneath emotions".

"Yeah and Fred's not even that clear in the head normally either", Lee chimed in and received several glares. "All I'm saying is that he haven't really gone long without hurting himself since leaving st. Mungus, at least not since he came back to school. So why wouldn't he hurt himself when he's like this?"

Ron looked at him. "Fred hasn't stopped doing that? Really?" He didn't sound judgemental, mostly surprised and worried. He didn't know as much about the matter.

"No", George answered. "So that's why we're more worried now… but I will say, Fred _would _appreciate that you're giving him the benefit of the doubt, Harry".

Harry still didn't look convinced that they should expect the worst, but decided not to voice his thoughts in case it started an unnecessary argument. Hermione cleared her throat and repeated that she would really like to know what had happened with Fred. George explained to her how Fred had found out what they had kept from him on accident. She didn't look too surprised that it was the reason for his disappearance, but it increased her worry noticeably.

"This would have happened eventually", She said and she sounded very sad. "We should have told him and helped him deal with it before it came to this. Even if we decided to tell him eventually, he would have still been angry because we kept it from him for so long".

Mrs. Weasley had stopped crying and was now breathing heavily with her cheeks puffy and her eyes still red. Mr. Weasley turned away from her to look at the others.

"It's because of us that this happened", he said quietly. He tried his best to stay strong for his wife and therefore was not crying. "It's… easier… to believe that _bad things _never happened".

"I know", George said. "Believe me, I know. I'm the last person… or one of the last who would want to see him hurt in this way… but I am around him everyday, every hour… it doesn't matter how much I would want to deny it, he's suffering. Whatever I want it or not".

_Could Fred even be saved at this point? _George cursed himself for thinking that… but the thought couldn't get out of his head. Perhaps it wouldn't be fair to say that Fred hadn't improved at all since coming back from st. Mungus, but he still hadn't gotten over the impulse to hurt himself with every harmful object he could find, even if he hadn't tried to end his life (to George's knowledge). If Fred was already this unstable, what would happen if other bad things happened to him? What if someone robbed him? What if his family members got hurt? What if another person like Loré came along? How would Fred handle these things? If Fred survived to adulthood without offing himself, how would he (for example) handle being a parent if he could barely handle himself? _I worry as much as my mother… why am I thinking so far in the future? We're still pretty young! _George thought to himself.

Hermione was deep in thoughts as well. She was sure that Fred, even if he most likely wouldn't try to take his life again right now, he would hurt himself in some sort of way.

There was only two possible outcomes from their relationship and she wasn't sure if she came up with them because they were based on logic or based on her paranoia. The first scenario was that Fred would be so angry with her that he broke up with her and the second scenario was that Fred would force himself to stay with her because of his low self esteem despite of how mad he was at her… and she didn't know which one was the worst outcome. Suddenly, a horrifying thought popped up in her head; what if Fred only _thought _that he was interested in her? What if he just became so emotionally dependent on her through his darker times while she started to spend time with him and he was only with her now because he couldn't handle risking losing her? She wasn't sure if Fred actually had borderline personality disorder (a thought the healers had played with for a while). The reason she didn't know was because for a while it was unclear for everyone his symptoms actually suited another diagnosis or if he just couldn't get the diagnosis yet because people under the age of 18 couldn't be diagnosed with borderline. But not handling people leaving them was one of the symptoms to that diagnosis (to her knowledge). It seemed to be a diagnosis that made relationships with other intense in general now when she thought about it. So if that was the case, was he even truly happy with her?

Ron cut George's and Hermione's thoughts short. "I guess the reason none of you are out looking for him is because you know that he don't want to see you", he said; drawing everyone's attention to him. "And frankly… I don't blame him, but maybe Harry and I can… ".

"Fred is not very happy with you either", George said, cutting him off before he could finish his sentence. "And not because he thinks that you kept this from him as well- I can't actually say for sure what he thinks your involvement is because I don't think they had the time to specify your part in this story - but he have been… a little _on edge _when it comes to you lately… don't look at me like that, I don't know why because he even _denies _that he's mad at you".

"But I haven't done anything to him!" Ron exclaimed. "If anything, I'm the only one who doesn't hover over him all the time like he's going to break!"

"You can ask him when he comes back, _if _he wants to talk to you that is", George said. "We're all in the same boat here… well, except for Harry… unless you have done something too".

"I don't think I have done anything, no", Harry said a bit hesitant. "But Ron claims the same and that's apparently not the case… ".

The door opened and Angelina stepped inside followed by...Fred.

"I found him", Angelina said, sounding way too nonchalant for someone who looked like she had been run over by the night buss.

They stared silently at each other. No one dared to say anything until Fred turned to look at Ron. There was no sign on Fred's face that he felt any remorse over the distress he had caused, which was a little surprising to everyone, consider how big his guilt over the pain he had caused people played a big part in his unstable state of mind. His anger probably played a major part in his apathetic demeanor, but who knew?

"Well, I didn't fancy you calling me a lunatic", Fred said to break the silence that filled the room as soon as he walked in. "I'm not saying that you're wrong because I run away like a bitch when things go wrong".

"I have never called you a lunatic!" Ron exclaimed, temporarily forgetting about the seriousness of the situation.

"Our house have thick walls, but that's useless when the doors are wide open", Fred answered and knocked lightly on the wooden door. "And yes, I just admitted to eavesdropping. I really couldn't care less right now. I mean, what's the point in trying to make you _not _afraid of me".

"No one is bloody afraid of you!" Ron answered. "We're _worried _!"

"Not afraid?" Fred asked in disbelief before his face turned blank. He looked up at the ceiling and everyone else followed suit only to see absolutely nothing so they looked back at him again. Fred kept his eyes on the ceiling. "What? … Yes? I should what? … I should _kill _him?"

The tension in the room got noticeably thicker by his words. However, it only took a few seconds for Hermione to realize what Fred was doing and a quick shared look with George told her that he knew too. Unfortunately, neither her or George could warn anyone before Fred got the reactions he was expecting. Ron's eyes widened and he took a step back with clenched fists like he was preparing to defend himself if the situation became physical. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, Harry and Angelina looked like they were preparing for it as well. Fred looked down again and let his eyes wander around the room with a smug expression and just a little hint of disbelief in his eyes.

"Not afraid of me? Yeah right", Fred said and crossed his arms over his chest. George decided to chime in before anyone else could.

"Making up shit like that to intentionally scare us is no fair game, mate", George said and he and Fred glared at each other. Ron and everyone else immediately relaxed when what George just said had registered in their heads. "You wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone, you don't need to act crazy to prove a point".

"Do you know that for sure or are you also trying to tell me that you know my experiences better than me?" Fred spat, clearly aiming the venom in his words towards his parents. Said parents decided to finally take a part of the conversation.

"Fred we… ". Molly began but Fred cut her off.

"Not now, I know myself enough and I don't want to say things that I might regret", he said. Angelina jumped into the conversation before Mrs. Weasley could reply.

She turned to Fred and said: "I think we two should head out. You haven't calmed down enough clearly". She barely had time to finish the sentence before he turned around and opened the door.

"Wait, at least say if you… ", Arthur didn't have time to finish his sentence before the door closed behind Fred. Angelina looked at the door for a second before looking at him instead.

"He haven't hurt himself if that's what you were trying to asking", Angelina said, which relaxed him considerably. "Don't go after him, I'm talking to all of you. He is feeling betrayed… ".

"Where did you find him? We looked everywhere!" Lee exclaimed, who everyone had kind of forgotten until now. He probably didn't know what to say during the previous conversation and decided to stay quiet.

"I found him not long after you left… I'll explain later", Angelina said. "I don't think it will be a good idea to talk to him all at once. I'm in a grey area with him because I didn't try to keep anything from him. I suggest that you three-". Angelina pointed at George, Lee and Hermione. "-Try to talk to him first and you-". She pointed at Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. "Need to talk to your other sons about the situation. I need to go to him before he takes off again". She gave them a stern look before leaving the room.

"She is taking no shit from anyone right now", Lee commented. "Very bossy too".

"She is right though", Harry said quietly.

"But he needs to know how sorry we are!" Mrs. Weasley exclaimed.

"And you will when he wants to talk to us", George answered, sadly. "He won't listen to us otherwise".

"IS waiting really the right thing to do?" Hermione asked, sceptically. "Won't he be more angry if we avoid him? Wouldn't that just prove to him that we don't care or something like that?"

"Give him little credit", Harry commented. "You were so sure that he was going to do something bad while being gone and he didn't. Let's not underestimate him here too".

* * *

Apparently Angelina had waited for too long so Fred had already left. Lucky for her however, he hadn't gotten far so she caught up with him pretty quickly.

"What are you doing!? I thought you were going to make up, that you were ready to talk!" Angelina exclaimed. "Isn't that what you and Oliver decided?"

"You mean, that's what me and my _date _decided?" Fred asked, smugly.

"For the love of- let that go! I'm sorry that I thought you were a homeless girl on a pity-date", Angelina said.

"Is that you're way of saying that I need a haircut? We had a very manly conversation, thank you very much", Fred said with a huff.

"Did he pay for your dinner?" Angelina teased. "Like a true gentleman?"

"Anyway-", Fred decided to change the subject and Angelina giggled. "I don't want you or Oliver to explain their reasoning for them and I really can't handle them all at ones. I need to yell at my brother and try to understand my parents separately… especially now when I'm tired and cold".

"And just came back from a hot date so you need a extra cool-down?"

"Sod off"

Angelina chuckled before the smile disappeared from her face. "When we're on that topic - You're not going to break up with Hermione, are you? For this?"

Fred sighed. "I want to talk to her, but frankly she would have to try really hard or be extremely clumsy with her words to make me break up with her for this. And that wouldn't happen and if I broke up with her then it wouldn't be fair if I didn't break up with George and Lee as well… Of course I'm not implying here that I'm only with her after this because I want to keep my best friends like it might have come across ".

"I'm glad to hear that you want to keep her - and your two boyfriends".

"I'm not as irrational as we thought, what can I say?"

They walked in silence until they reached the common room. Fred was apparently so tired that he mispronounced the password at least four times before Angelina cut him off by saying it correctly. Fred looked at Angelina with a expression that Angelina would like to call a "half assed glare".

"I was going to get it right this time",

"Sorry if I didn't want to take my chances. It's bedtime now sleepy head".

They hugged and said goodnight before they moved to their respective staircases, but Angelina decided to ask one last question.

"How are you feeling?"

Normally, that question would have annoyed him because he didn't feel like describing the feeling of feeling temporarily one feeling while constantly feeling something else. With other words, maybe feeling a little happy at the moment but still depressed. However, this time - which Angelina might have already guessed - he had a much more simple answer.

"Optimistic", was all he left her to think about before he disappeared up the stairs.

He didn't fall asleep when he reached his bed even if he was exhausted because he didn't feel like falling asleep before talking to George and Lee was the best idea. Especially because they all shared a dorm room (with two other poor fuckers). Falling asleep on bad terms didn't feel very appealing. Hopefully, the other two would show up before he actually did fall asleep… or maybe that's exactly what they wanted because Fred made it pretty clear that he didn't want to talk to them. Fuck. He decided to sit upright on the bed with his feet planted on the floor as his "waiting position" because if he fell asleep then the impact of his head hitting the floor would most likely wake him up again… most likely. It was weird to be this tired without a sleeping potion.

Keeping his eyes open became barely possible at the time they actually showed up. Which wasn't soon enough for Fred to not fall asleep for a few seconds immediately before they addressed him… which meant he did fall to the floor. It hurt. One of the other two exclaimed something - probably a profanity- before they ran over to him.

"What are you doing!?" George asked as they helped him up and sat him down on the bed again.

Fred yawned and rubbed his sore head. "I decided I didn't want want to sleep with this tension between us".

"Tension?" Lee repeated. "It didn't seem like that was that big of a problem when you almost fell asleep just now".

"Yeah and I thought you didn't want to talk to non-Angelina people", George chimed in. "You're very confusing, mate".

"Would you rather we go to sleep and let this argument make things harder?" Fred asked like a parent who pretended to want to leave their child on the playground so the child would immediately run after instead of being stubborn and staying. "Because the bed seem preeeeetty inviting right now".

"No! Let's talk.. how mad are you at us?" George asked carefully and Fred smiled lightly.

"Not that angry too be honest, it's just a mix of different things", Fred answered and shrugged at their surprised expression. "Saying that I wasn't originally pissed and wasn't at least a little mad when I saw you again would be a lie, but it's… it's hard to explain without this conversation going in a direction I don't want it to".

"Can you… try to explain?" Lee asked. "I don't really understand".

Fred shrugged. "Well. I was pretty angry… but most of that anger came from my denial".

* * *

_Fred was furious. Why couldn't people just trust him? Hadn't he worked so hard for people to treat him like normal again? Would they ever treat him like normal or was that something that died when __he _ _ was supposed to? _

_A big hand on his shoulder didn't just stop him from walking, but it was so sudden that it felt like he got whiplash. It was Oliver, which was weird. Seeing that boy actually doing something outside of quidditch was a weird seight. _

_"Did something happen?" Oliver asked. "No I'll answer that myself. Something happened and you want to go and hide until it gets better". _

_"I must be a pretty bland person for you to be able to guess that… because you don't know me that well". _

_"Not bland, just predictable", Oliver said and hardened his grip on Fred when he saw that he was trying to get away. "Do you want to talk about it? Because I want to". _

_"I could __sense __that you wanted to talk about this", Fred said bitterly while glancing at the hand on him. "Do I have a choice?" _

_"No, let's eat", Oliver said and pulled Fred into the closest café without much struggle._

_They both sat down in front of each other and stared silently into each other's eyes. Could have been romantic in a alternative universe... Maybe that was a weird thought.. _

_"Are we having a moment now?", Fred joked. "Is this the beginning of the rest of our life?" _

_"It's weird seeing you joke around while still being angry", Oliver commented. "I don't ask for details, I'm just doing what I can to take care of my team". _

_"I'm not on the team anymore". _

_"I don't recall you ever saying that you weren't returning to the team eventually. So, what's going on?" _

_Fred swallowed and took a deep breath in preparation for spilling his guts… he wasn't planning on telling too much so maybe rather than "spilling his guts", he was just spilling one or two organs. _

**_"Nice internal image there, Freddie". _**

_Fred sighed. "Without revealing more than I want, people I trust didn't trust me back". _

_"That's awfully vague for me to be able to help, I'm sorry". _

_"Yeah, sorry. Well, my family __pretended __to believe a rather important thing about me and my closest friends knew about this without telling me", Fred explained and got even more angrier when the words left his mouth. _

_Oliver leaned in closer. "Why would they lie about it? And if I'm allowed to ask, how important is the thing that they pretended to believe?" _

_Fred groaned. "I have no idea why they would lie… well my self-esteem says that I probably did something wrong, but people say that I should take things my self-esteem says with a grain of salt… which is so bloody confusing because I have to take the blame when I mess up, but it's hard to tell when the blame is actually mine or when I just think it is". He looked down at the table; the tiny creak in the wooden table suddenly became the most interesting thing in the world. Or at least it became some sort of crutch that could hold him up while he worked up the will to look Oliver in the eyes again. _

_Fred mumbled under his breath: "And it was a quite important thing that took me so goddamn long to tell people… only for them to believe that it was untrue… not the softest blow to my ego to say the least"._

_"I can't talk for the people who don't believe you… because I don't know enough about that, but the people keeping that from you might not have done that because of something personal you have done", Oliver thought out loud. "Did they assume that you would take it extremely bad if they told you about it?" _

_"If they had any brain cells left then of course", Fred said and rolled his eyes. "Why wouldn't I take it badly? At least I would still have trusted them and had their help to get over it if they had told me". _

_"Why would they think that it would be enough?" Oliver asked. "You had a loving family and great friends before you tried to kill yourself and that didn't help much". _

_Fred glared at him and looked around to make sure that no one had heard what Oliver just said. _

_"Do you want the world to know about my personal business?" Fred hissed at him. "And if you're just going to be sitting here and… ". _

_Oliver cut him off. "I'm not saying they were right, I'm just asking you a question. Imagine knowing someone who is known for having an eating disorder - for example someone who is so afraid of being fat that they starve themself. The person gains wait - a little too much - while recovering, but you know that food and weight is still a very sensitive subject to them. Be honest with me. If that person then asked you if they were overweight, would you be honest? Knowing how much damage it could cause?" _

_Fred was about to answer that of course he would be honest, but stopped himself when he actually thought about what Oliver just said. He knew how mad that the __hypothetically person would be if they found out that he was lying - because he was mad for pretty much the same reason. However, was triggering someone's eating disorder really worth it? Of course the person might not have relapsed just because they had gained just a little extra weight, but there still was a pretty huge chance. _

_Fred couldn't help but put the only person he knew that had suffered from a eating disorder in the place previously held by a hypothetically random person; Hermione. It became much harder to see the situation less grey. Would he have told Hermione that she was gaining too much weight? No, no he wouldn't. At least not until he was absolutely sure that she wouldn't take it the wrong way… and that could possibly make her angry at him afterwards. Fred himself could technically be placed in that situation as well… and he could not with a clear conscious say that he wouldn't relapse if that occurred to him. _

_Fred finally looks up at Oliver. "Am I just supposed to accept that people will lie to me as long as I'm depressed?" _

_Oliver shrugged. "What are they supposed to do? Look me in the eye and say that you would never do anything __stupid_ _if they fucked up worse than this? Look me in the eye and tell me that you wouldn't have done something __stupid__ now if I hadn't stopped you outside?" _

_Fred tried to keep eye contact with Oliver, but it didn't last for long. In fact, he almost immediately looked down at the creak in the table again. As someone who couldn't even go for many "normal"_ _days without self-harming, he couldn't look Oliver in the eye and say that Oliver was wrong._

_ Accepting that it was way too risky for people to be honest with him about things that could hurt him… well it _**_hurt. _**_Partly because admitting that you're wrong is never a fun thing to do, but mostly because it made him really face how much his state of mind have forced his loved ones to walk on eggshells. How much were they holding back in fear of what he would do? Could he really blame them? _

_Oliver put his hand on Fred's shoulder and gave it a squeeze, making the younger boy look up at him. "I don't want you to give yourself a worse time", Oliver said. "Their actions doesn't come from a personal distaste towards you or something like that. It's just something that happens to a lot of depressed people". _

_"You seem weirdly well read on this", Fred commented. "Is there a story you want to tell?" _

_"I have had a lot of depressed friends", Oliver commented and smiled at the pout on Fred's face. _

_"I understand… But I'm getting what you're trying to tell me!" Fred exclaimed. "I obviously have more self-reflection to do, but I have accepted your reasoning"._

_"I have something else I want to bring up". _

_"Like what?"_

_"You finally joining the team again", Oliver answered and leaned back in his chair. _

* * *

"Lying to me wasn't the smartest thing to do because obviously I would discover the truth one way or another", Fred said. "But I understand why. I just have to accept the fact that people can't be completely honest with me about everything because I'm a sensitive bitch at this point in time".

"No! It's not your fault! Everything doesn't have to be your damn fault!" George exclaimed and Fred hushed him.

"Can you _please _stop trying to convince me that I don't fuck up when I actually fuck up? This is exactly how I didn't want the conversation to go; a pity party for me. This is not me being self-loathing, this is me saying that I have new motivation to get better", Fred explained, to their surprise. "Because if I get better, I can handle things better and you can treat me like normal again. See lads, I'm not as gone as I might appear".

No one said anything for a few minutes before Lee chuckled and hit Fred lightly on the shoulder in a friendly manner. "My boy, sometimes you bring good surprises as well".

"Sometimes?" Fred asked with a fake hurt expression. "_ I _am a whole ass good surprise, thank you very much".

"Oliver sure was wise", George commented. He was relieved that his part of the drama seemed to be resolved and because of Fred's new determination. "I wonder when he became such a brain poker".

"Psychologist is the word", Fred corrected him. "But who knows. Maybe he had to explain that to other people… can't imagine it went this well every time though. Most people would not take it well".

"Maybe he could see that you needed him to be blunt", George said and then made sure that he looked right into Fred's eyes. "You're talking to Hermione tomorrow, _right _?" He asked.

"Of course", Fred answered and nodded before being hit with a thought. "Or maybe I can go and look if she's still up".

"Why would she still be up?" Lee asked. "And if she is, it's impossible to get to her if she's in the girls' dormitory".

Fred stood up and swung back and forth for a couple of seconds because his balance was so off. "It never hurts to check".

"Fred, darling", Lee warned. "You can barely stand. Are you sure Oliver didn't drug you with a sleeping potion or something?"

"He is a gentleman", Fred said. "He doesn't _need _a sleeping potion to have his way".

"Ew", George commented. "And it's also weird to hear you make those kind of jokes". Fred would normally be the last person who would make rape jokes.

"Really? I think I'm one of the only who can make those jokes without sounding like an asshole", Fred shrugged and walked with unsteady legs towards the door.

George was about to go after him to stop him, but Lee stopped him instead. "Let him learn from his own dumb mistakes", Lee said. "Plus he will sleep better if she really is downstairs".

"I'm coming my love!" He jokingly exclaimed before mumbling quietly that she wouldn't be able to hear that sentence under _different _circumstances.

"Stop saying things like that!" George said angrily but couldn't help himself but laugh. It was weird that it entertained him, made him uncomfortable and worried at the same time.

Lee turned to George. "Is his jokes always related to this when he's tired?"

"I don't know", George answered. "But despite being a little uncomfortable, I'm a little glad that it have come to this; him being able to joke about those kind of things". Fred ignored them and left the room.

He had to stop a few times on the way to stabilize himself against the wall or the closest stable object. Fred took his sweet time walking down the stairs. It annoyed quite a few Gryffindor students who just wanted to go to bed. Eventually got got to the common room. However, it was way too dark, his vision was too blurry and he was too tired to even lift his head so he couldn't see if anyone, let alone Hermione, was there.

**_"Just lay down in the couch for a few minutes, you useless homo", _**The voice said and Fred, despite how tired he was, noted how nice that sounded compared to what he usually said. **_"This is giving me a headache, that's all. Don't think someone would care about you"._**

"You don't even have a head", Fred said quietly and laughed. "Not your own at least. You're just my mind roommate".

Fred decided to follow the voice's advice and laid down on the couch with his face buried in the cushion. He hoped that his brother and Lee would come and get him if they realized that he wasn't coming back, but he seriously doubted it. Not because he thought they were assholes, but because they probably went to sleep and assumed he would get up by his own… okay, maybe it was because they were assholes. Why was he down here now again?

"Are you so angry with George and Lee that you can't even sleep in the same room as them?" Oh! That was the reason! Fred looked up from the couch and it took a few moments for the yellow and blue dots that dancer around his vision to disappear. Hermione sat on the couch next to his with a book in her hands. "And before you ask, I couldn't sleep". She closed the book and looked down at the floor. "Do you want me to leave you alone?"

Fred crawled closer to her, fell down to the floor and sat on his knees in front of her. She tried to ask him if he was okay but he just shrugged off the question and put his hands on her knees. "You were here first and I actually hoped to find you. I'm not angry at you or the other two. I just wanted to make sure that we were on good terms before going to sleep. That's a couple's thing, right? Not wanting to go to sleep fighting?"

Hermione opened and closed her mouth like a fish for a few seconds because she didn't know what to say. She hesitantly put her hands over his and they intertwined their fingers. "Are you really sure that you're not angry at me?" She asked.

"I'm not angry anymore, I promise", Fred reassured her. "I am still a little angry at the rest of my family because they don't have the same excuse as you have, but I will let them explain themselves".

"What about Ron?"

"I was too hard on him", Fred said. "I have been more annoyed with him than I should have because of the way I have been feeling lately. I will fix that, don't worry". He looked her straight in the eyes. "I have told the other two that I just have to accept the fact that you have to lie to me from time to time, but when it comes to this… promise me that you won't keep these kind of things from me… I mean, things about people I care about not believing me. Of course I'll be angry, but I'm more inclined to try to convince people otherwise now".

Hermione couldn't keep eye contact with him and instead looked down at their hands. "I can promise that, but you deserve to know the other reason to why we didn't tell you".

"The other reason?"

"Yes… it might sound stupid… but we were afraid that your parents' doubt would cause you doubts as well. Doubts about your own memories I mean".

"You mean that I would start to think too much about it and question if what happened to me actually happened. Like it was a part of my 'imagination'?" Fred asked. He didn't sound as angry as she had expected. "Visual psychosis aren't as common as the ones you hear. The only visual psychosis I have looks barely human so that_ incident _being one is very unlikely. There is nothing in my diagnoses that says that I create false memories. Instead, I do in fact have signs of that kind of trauma. There are also literal proof of what happened because they were important to the case they were researching at the time", Fred freed one of his hands and put two fingers under Hermione's chin to force her to look up at him. "These are the things that tell me that my memory is real, _facts _. People who were never there and doesn't know much about this can't take that away. However, I do understand your concern. I'm not known as someone who's in reality much".

"Can we… can we hug?" Hermione asked. Fred tried to stand up, but got slightly nauseous. She had to help him standing up and he had to lean on her a little to not fall over.

"Of course, my dear", he said and wrapped his arms around her. She wrapped her own around him and buried her face in his neck. Their moment didn't last long until he literally couldn't stand up straight anymore and they both fell on the couch behind Hermione. Fred couldn't stop laughing and Hermione rolled her eyes with a grin on her face. "This is not how this was meant to end", Fred murmured into her neck and she couldn't hold back her laughter.

"You're so stupid", Hermione murmured. "But I guess that's my thing".

"Your need to feel smarter than your boyfriend is rather sexist, mam". Fred commented, sounding extremely tired.

"You're ruining the mood more, Frederick… are you asleep right now?" Yes, yes he was.


	24. Chapter 24

Fred yawned loudly in the great hall. It was breakfast and apparently his body wanted to sleep for another three years before giving him his energy back. He was lucky that someone had brought him back to his bed the night before at least. He was thankful to either Lee or George who dragged their arse down to get him… but apparently it wasn't either of them.

Hermione coughed to draw attention to herself from the people who sat closest to her. "I just want to thank you again for lending a hand with my passed out boyfriend", Hermione said and looked at Ron. Both Fred and George (so that fucker did go to sleep) looked at them, confused.

Ron looked caught of guard, mostly because he was so into eating at the moment.

"You carried my tired ass?" Fred asked in disbelief and Ron hesitantly nodded. Fred smiled. "I can't imagine it was easy so I congratulate you".

Ron seemed to realize what he was doing and smiled back. "You aren't that heavy".

"That's just because you have become so big and strong", Fred teased and turned to George. "Soon we'll become beanpoles compared to our buffer younger brother".

"I know you're just teasing, but just you wait", Ron responded and the twins chuckled. It felt good to resolve the tension between them… only a few more people to go… he really did not look forward to that.

The owls finally arrived to deliver letters. No one who knew about the situation was surprised to see at least four letters in front of Fred by the time the owls were leaving.

"Apology letters?" Lee asked.

"Probably", Fred said and picked them up to read who sent them. "Yes, one from my parents… from Charlie, Bill and Percy… no one can face me, huh?"

"You want Charlie to leave Romania for this?" Lee asked.

"Guess not", Fred said with a shrug. "I hope they don't try to justify their actions way too much. I want them to explain how they think while still acknowledging what they did wrong".

"You want to go and read the letters in private?", George asked.

"It depends", Fred said and turned to Hermione. "Have I eaten enough, mother?"

"Stop making our relationship look dysfunctional", Hermione commented. "I'm not that controlling".

"I'm mostly asking because I don't want everyone on my ass later for not eating properly", Fred said and poked his tongue at her. "So have I eaten enough to not make people worried?"

"Yes you have", Hermione answered and Fred flew up from his seat.

"Thanks darling!" He exclaimed and prevented himself last minute from kissing her on the cheek to not attract annoying attention. "I'm going to try to not cry too much!" Was the last thing he said before leaving.

Ron looked from Fred to the others. "Is he joking or should we be worried?"

"He is definitely joking", George responded. "But we should go and check on him later".

* * *

Fred sat down on his bed and looked over the envelopes before deciding on the one from his parents first. He already knew that they would apologize a lot so he wanted to get to that first before going into unpredictable terrortorium. There was no time to lose, he still had school today after all (and no punishment after running away yesterday apparently) so without further ado, he opened the first envelope.

The envelope contained two letters; one marked with a 1 in the corner and one marked with a 2. He obviously went for number one.

_Hi, Son. It's your dad here. _

_Your mom can't finish writing a letter without crumpling it up afterwards._

His mom had never been lost for words before. This situation really must have shaken her.

_Hopefully I can convince her to write something anyway. _

_I have already written your brothers and they will probably try to get in touch with you soon._

_I wish I could talk to you in person, but you probably want space from us. _

_But I'm not leaving you alone without telling you what you need to know. _

_I'm sorry we didn't believe you, or rather, I'm sorry we didn't want to believe you._

_It's not easy accepting the fact that your child is hurting, especially if it felt like it could have been prevented. I have thought a lot about it, about how it all could have been different. _

_Maybe that monster wouldn't have gotten his hands on you if we had been told about your meetings with him… but realistically I know it's too far fetched. _

_Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had known about all this earlier._

_If we had given you a lot of support from the start, had you been happier today?_

_These kind of thoughts made it easier to accept the small chance that none of this ever happened. It was wrong of me to do that, I know. I don't ask for forgiveness, I just want to tell you that I do believe you. I believe that your memory was real and I'm so sorry_

_for ever doubting you. I hope you're not letting this ruin your school time too much and that you take care of yourself. _

_Love - dad._

_Please don't stop writing to your mom everyday._

_ I don't want to force you to do something you don't want to _

_but your letters always assure her that you're alright. _

Fred looked up at the ceiling and breathed deeply while trying to swallow the lump in his throat. It wasn't a good sign that he was already emotional. The _alright _at the end was clearly meant to imply_alive. _He really hoped that he would never have to experience being a parent to a child like him, to worry everyday if you're child is okay or not.

Fred forced himself to put away his dad's letter in favor of picking up the other one that came in the same envelope. He assumed it was from his mom and it made him extremely nervous.

_Fred, I'm sorry. I'm so , so sorry. I do believe you honey, please forgive me._

_Even if you don't, please don't let us hurt you more. Please keep being strong. _

_You are so strong, my son. _

_I love you so much - mom._

This time it was impossible to let at least a few tears fall, especially when he realized that some of the text was smudged by his mom's own tears. It was short, much shorter than his dad's, but more effectful.

"Fuck this", Fred whispered under his breath. "Stop crying".

He swallowed and blinked rapidly to blink away his tears before forcing himself to the next envelope that belonged to Bill. He knew that the letters from his older brothers wouldn't be as emotional as the letters from his parents so the worst was over. Still, his brothers didn't have the same emotional bias as a parent. So them trying to defend themselves rather than apologizing was very likely. At least when it came to Percy, even if Fred didn't see him as a bad person.

Fred opened the letter and started to read.

_Hi Fred, It's Bill here. _

_I went back and forth between wanting to write a letter or just find a suitable time_

_ to see you in person. But the others are writing letters and will most likely send them_

_ before I can get the chance to meet you. I really don't want you to think that I don't care _

_or that I'm not sorry if I'm the only one not sending a letter. _

_That's far from the truth. I haven't been able to be around as much as I think I should._

_I haven't read much about the condition you have that I can't even spell._

_No, it's not even called a condition. It's called a mental illness, right? See I don't even know that._

_I was told that it makes it harder for you to tell if things are real or not. _

_So when your worst memory was suggested as something that never happened, I started to think. _

_I never __fully __thought that it never happened, _

_but I was in a "untrue/true until proven different" state of mind. I was kind on standby,_

_ waiting for proof of any of those and I fear that my hope made me lean slightly more in the direction of not believing it to be true. _

_Which was stupid considered that there actually are proof of your claims. _

_Before you ask, I refuse to look over said proof for obvious reasons, but I still believe you. _

_I even asked someone I know who is married to someone who knows a lot about mental health_

_and was told that this memory being fake was highly unlikely. Especially consider that your psycoses (did I spell that correctly?) seems to mostly be things you hear. A very detailed visual scenario is apparently not as common._

_ It feels like I'm using too many words to say that I'm sorry that it's confusing. _

_I'm not trying to justify not believing in you, just explaining what I was thinking. _

_I hope to hear back from you soon. I know I haven't been the most supportive brother._

That was not true, Bill had been there for him when both of them were at the burrow. Making sure that he ate and even if he was saddened by it, he never really judged Fred for self-harming.

_But I really hope you're okay. I still care regardless of how you feel about me and I'll see you at the Burrow. _

_-Bill_

That wasn't as bad as the first two letters, but his heart had been pounding violently in his chest the whole time. He could see were Bill was coming from and he didn't feel like Bill was trying to make him feel bad or anything like that for being anrgy.

"Only two letters left", he said before grabbing the envelope with Charlie's name on it. He just assumed that Charlie would go easier on him than Percy. Maybe that sounded mean towards Percy, but Fred really hadn't given him many reasons to be nice to him over the years.

Fred opened the letter and noticed that it was a bit longer than Bill's. He couldn't tell if that was a good sign or not.

_It's Charlie here, Hi Fred. _

It amused Fred to no end that Charlie was the only one putting his own name before Fred's. Usually you say hi before saying who it is. Maybe Charlie wanted to make sure that Fred knew who he was early on… even if his name was on the bloody envelope.

_I wasn't really sure how I was supposed to word this._

_ I didn't want to wait for too long before writing something because I didn't want to keep you waiting. So a fast answer that isn't written like a essay is better than_

_… well, that. _

The letter did come fast, it was almost a little scary how every letter came at the same time. Seemed convenient, like some higher power didn't want to waste a lot of time on making Fred freak out while waiting for everyone's responses. Not that he believed in anything like that but you get what he means.

_I'm not the best with this kind of things…_

"That's why you're better with dragons than birds, brother".

_… but I am sorry for doubting you. _

_I didn't know what to believe so I accepted whatever sounded logical._

_ I don't know anything about the condition you have except that reality isn't really your best friend. I'm sorry, that joke wasn't appropriate, or maybe you do appreciate it. _

_"I do, don't worry about it", _Fred thought. _"I need to use that explanation in the future when people ask what schizophrenia is… also, so far no one had dared to try to spell the word schizophrenia in ther letters…. can't blame them". _

_However. I should have asked you more about what you're going through,_

_rather than listening to people who don't know much more than me. _

_I'm not saying that you have to be my teacher, but if you aren't angry with me I would really want to hear more from your point of view. I want to learn more, properly of course. _

_I should have read about it before, but it's only now when I started to think about how good it can be to actually know about it. Yes, I was considered a good student but that doesn't mean that i'm always bright. _

_I want to be able to be a better help when I can. I have instead made things worse. _

_I really am sorry for not believing, even for a moment, that what you went through never happened. Maybe I hoped that it never happened too much, because that could maybe make your recovery faster? That was selfish, I know. I miss the happy you, or at least the time when I thought you were happy. You were never happy, were you? I want to see you be genuinely happy. _

_Not just "happy at the moment", but actually happy about being alive. _

_I know you can reach that point again and I want to be there when you do._

_So please forgive me? If not, I understand. _

_-again, Charlie._

Wow, the letter got much darker quick. Fred fel his heart ache for his brother. He couldn't imagine having to worry if your sibling is going to die soon or not. Fred started to think about that more and more after every letter. Of course he had thought about it before, but it felt more real now. Was it selfish to be glad that you were the only fucked up one? It might be if the only reason you are happy about that is because you don't want to be the one who have to take on someone else's emotional labour. Fred didn't want any of his siblings suffering like he did, but who knew what could happen. If his schizophrenia really was partly in his genetics, could the others also develop it if they went through something traumatic? That was the _last _thing he wanted.

**_"Is it really that much of a hell?" _**

_"You told me to kill myself". _

**_"We thought that was the right thing to do, right?" _**

Fred really didn't want to spend time on trying to figure out what the voice meant by that so instead he grabbed the last and most dreaded letter. He opened the envelope and pulled out the letter. Fred immediately recognized his older brother's neat handwriting; just as professional and organized as he was. It was quite a big difference between Fred and Percy and it had always been that way. Now the difference was more pronounced. They weren't "the good and perfect child" and "the bad and mischievous child" anymore, now they were "the stable kid who had his shit together" and "the unstable lunatic who drained the happiness from everybody"... okay, that last part came from his self-loathing again, but he was still a bigger fuck up than Percy. What was this mental health envy?

Fred stopped procrastinating and started to read the letter.

_Hi Fred,_

_I wasn't sure wherever to write to you or not because we haven't really seen eye to eye throughout life and I wasn't sure if you would even care about what I had to say. _

So Percy expected the worst from Fred as well? That made Fred feel less guilty about expecting the worst from Percy.

_I'm not saying that because I think you hate me or are heartless. _

_We just aren't that close and have had more arguments than civil conversations. _

_"Yeah, that's my bad", _Fred thought. _"Well my and George's, but you get what I mean". _

_Anyway, I think you know what I'm about to say, but maybe not why I'm saying it. _

_I'm not saying that I'm sorry for doubting you just because I'm afraid that you will kill yourself if I don't. I know you wouldn't do that, but I'll get to that in a bit. _

_I am actually saying that I'm sorry because I'm genuinely sorry. _

_I'll admit, at first I still thought that I was right. However, Bill told me to actually read up on Schizophrenia before talking. So I stayed up late and did just that, plus I actually researched your case in the ministries files. There are proof that supports that what happened to you actually happened and we shouldn't have jumped so fast at the possibility of your assault being untrue. _

_Once again, I really am sorry for doubting you and no; _

_me looking at your file doesn't mean that I watched your memory. It was horrible to let you watch that all those years ago and I don't want to watch it either. _

_You would probably not have appreciated it if I did anyway. _

_You may feel like we all are walking on eggshells around you all the time, _

_but that won't last forever. The reason I knew that you wouldn't commit suicide because _

_you thought that we didn't believe you is that I can tell that you're getting better. _

_You may think that I'm just saying that, but that's not the case. When I was at the burrow with you, I know you couldn't go long without hurting yourself and you might still relapse in the future when you improve more on that front.. _

_But I can see it in you that you're willing to keep on living, you just need to hear someone honestly telling you that you're going the right way. So take it from someone who tried to strangle you when you were young; I really think that you can get better and that you're doing so good. _

_I even heard that you didn't even hurt yourself after discovering that we didn't believe you, _

_that's fantastic! Even if you hurt yourself just before reading this letter, that was still such an improvement! I'm proud of you and I look forward to more improvements in the future. _

_Don't take that like I'll be disappointed every time you slip up, I've read a little about this and apparently slip ups are normal. _

_Anyway, this letter is becoming obnoxiously long. I think I said everything I wanted to say. _

_I hope things aren't weird next time we see each other and that you forgive us. Especially our mother, she is probably very distressed. _

_-Percy_

Fred was right when he thought that this letter would be the hardest to go through, but he was very wrong about the reason why it would be the hardest. An evil house elf must have been putting estrogen in him every time he fell asleep because this emotional shit was getting out of hand. He was NOT going to cry this time, NOT. THIS. TIME… okay, maybe a little.

Fred re-read parts of the letter over and over to make sure that he read it correctly before forcing himself to put it awa so he wouldn't ruin it with his tears. Fuck Percy for saying that shit.

**_"Yeah, how dare he have faith in you. What a tosser, right? You're not proving anyone that Hermione isn't dating a lesbian like this, you know". _**

_"Maybe, but maybe I should stop caring so much about that. It won't stop me from crying. I'm mentally ill and not accepting that have brought me here". _

Fred put the letters carefully back into their envelopes. He wanted to make sure that they didn't get torn so he could look at them later to make sure that he wasn't making this all up in his head. He needed to respond to them as soon as possible, he needed to tell them that he forgave them or at least that he wasn't angry with them anymore. Everyone said that they were sorry, but it didn't feel like they only did it so something bad wouldn't happen. Yeah, his mom did kind of give off that kind of vibe (at least a little), but he knew that she was genuinely sorry. Fred was quite surprised about the direction his brothers went with their letters. All three of them either had educated themselves a little about his mental illness or expressed a want to learn more about it. Percy even knew the bloody name of his disorder, but Percy was always the one who was better with words. Fucking Percy. The things he had written in the letter fucked Fred up a little. He couldn't deny that it lifted a huge weight off his shoulders, a weight he hadn't really noticed before. It felt good that someone really believed in him and also went the extra mile to make sure that Fred didn't feel any pressure… he would still feel at least a little pressure because of his mental health, but that's beside the point. It really felt like a huge step forward despite how it felt like they had taken several steps back earlier.

The door to the dorm opened and George walked inside. He looked alarmed when he saw the sign of crying on Fred's face. George closed the door behind him and walked over to Fred. Fred smiled at him to try to reassure him that all was good. Understandably, George didn't look like he believed it.

"What did they say?" He asked, preparing himself for the worst.

"Nothing bad, don't worry", Fred said and dried his tears with his sleeve. "I'm not angry at them anymore".

"Are you sure", George asked in disbelief. Could Fred really mean that consider how big of a deal it was? The whole situation caused so much distress for everyone and could have made a huge impact on Fred's recovery. Don't take it the wrong way, George would love for the situation to settle down as fast as possible. However, he wasn't sure if Fred had actually thought this through. George had not have read the letters so he couldn't tell if his family genuinely apologized or accidentally made Fred feel so bad for them that he temporarily forgave him because of his own insecurities.

Fred nodded. "Yes. I literally have it on paper that I hear and see things that doesn't exist. What were they supposed to believe when I talk about something none of them saw?"

"They could believe the one person beside you who were there", George answered. "Someone who is justifyingly rotting in Azkaban at the moment".

"First of all, don't talk about him if you want me to go through the school day with a somewhat good mood", Fred said and picked up the envelopes. "And don't be so angry".

"I'm not angry".

"Your fists are clenched", Fred responded and stood up from his bed. He walked over to his trunk and put the envelopes in it. George looked down at his hands to see that Fred was right and unclenched them.

"I'm sorry about that", George said and sat down on Fred's bed. "But are you sure that you're okay with them?"

"At the moment? Yes", Fred answered with a smile. "I'll respond to their letters later. We don't have much time until we have to go to class so we should make this quick".

"What are you talking about?" George asked, confused. "Make what quick?"

Fred smirked. "We have a lot of things to do. Like testing new products or getting money for our store… I'm not sure Bagman will give us the money he owes us for winning the bet at the world's cup…. what?" George was staring at Fred like Fred had just told him that he had a second asshole.

"You haven't talked about our future in that industry for a while. I haven't thought about it much either to be honest because of everything that's going on, but… I'm really glad to hear that you want to return to pranks again". George looked really happy at the new revelation.

"I think I'm stable enough to think about other things beside my problems now", Fred said. "And I'll never go back to normal if I don't take any steps towards my old life. Besides, I'm actually excited by pranks again. I haven't been excited by pretty much anything for a while".

"Too bad we're broke now", George said, annoyed.

"We have to take on less ethical ways to make money", Fred said.

"Like what? Stripping?" George asked jokingly.

"I like what your mind's at", Fred answered with a chuckle. "But I thought about something different. Think about it; what's less ethical than making a bet with an adult over a game of quidditch?"

"Making a bet with children about the Triwizard tournament?"

"Bingo", Fred answered.

* * *

"Isn't taking bets from minors illegal?" Hermione asked the twins. Fred and George had just returned from walking around to take bets on which champion would come out as the winner.

Harry had not long ago disappeared into the maze with Fleur, Diggory and… Krum. This was the last competition in the tournament and it was both exciting and anticlimactic… because whoever designed the games made sure that the audience could only see what the champions were doing during the first game. The last two games they either had to wait for the champions to come out of the water or exit the maze. Hermione once told Fred about muggle inventions that could be used to show a large audience something that happens somewhere else. It would have been a huge help here, maybe the wizard world should try to take on more helpful muggle things in the future.

"No teacher is trying to stop us", George answered Hermione.

"No teacher is paying attention to you, that's why", Hermione said.

"That isn't very smart of them, is it?" Fred asked.

Before Hermione could respond, Ron tapped her repeatedly on the shoulder.

"Look!" He exclaimed and pointed at the sky. "Red sparks! Someone had to tap out". Hermione and the twins looked up and saw that there indeed was red sparks on the sky.

"Who do you think it is?" George asked.

"I want it to be Krum", Ron answered. "But it's probably Fleur".

"I agree on the first one", Fred said, bitterly. It wasn't fair that Krum was allowed to still be a champion, but the only proof about anything that happened that time was all the eyewitnesses who saw Fred attacking him.

Hermione grabbed his hand and smiled at him to show him that it was okay before turning back to Ron. "Why do you think it's Fleur?"

"Is it because she didn't want to go with you to the ball when you yelled at her?" George asked. "Because you not being smooth is a you problem".

"It has nothing to do with that, stop reminding me of that", Ron responded, bitterly. "She have done the worst overall, so I'm just guessing that she will be the first one out. No need to use the sexist card".

"You wanna bet on that?" Fred asked and wiggled his eyebrows at him.

"Stop trying to trick people to give you money!" Hermione exclaimed and Ron snickered.

Ron turned out to be right when a few wizards came out of the maze with Fleur.

"She doesn't look so good", George said. "I wonder what happened to her".

Fred leaned over closer to Ron. "Still glad that you couldn't be a part of the tournament?" He asked him and Ron glared back at him.

"Shouldn't I ask you that. I'm not the one who tried to cheat my way into the games", Ron answered and looked back at the entrance of the maze.

Fred turned to George. "I think Ron just burned us", he said and Ron couldn't help but look a little smug.

"That's unacceptable", George said. "We have to fix that later". Ron suddenly didn't look so smug anymore.

They had to wait long enough for the audience to stop chanting before someone appeared in front of the maze with the help from a portkey.

"Harry won!" People from the audience exclaimed and everyone started to cheer.

"Yes!" Hermione exclaimed before she blushed at her excitement.

"You're allowed to be happy for your friend , Herms", Fred.

"We can scream just as high pitched if that makes you feel better", George added.

"Exactly", Fred said. "Ron have taught us well".

Ron once again turned to glare at them. "Why don't you take those _scream lessons _and stick them up your… ".

Ron and the celebrations was cut off by a scream. This scream wasn't like Hermione's, this one was full of terror. The person who screamed was Fleur. She was looking at where Harry was and the expression on her face was of undeniable horror.

Soon more and more people started to scream and cry. Hermione, Ron and the twins turned their gazes towards Harry and was horrified by the seight. Harry was crying while clutching Cedric, but Cedric wasn't moving. His eyes were open and empty and there was no fall or raise in Cedric's chest. Hermione clutched Fred's upper arm hard enough to break the healing skin and covered her mouth with the other hand. George nearly dropped the suitcase he used for the bets and Ron looked like he was going to pass out. Fred… well he he had several different impulses and feelings fighting for dominance inside of his mind. He wanted to run away and hide, but at the same time stay and watch what would happen. He wanted to comfort his girlfriend and distraught brothers, but at the same time he didn't want to say anything. He wanted someone to comfort him, but he didn't want anyone to touch him or give him fake promises. He wanted to scream along the others, but his mouth didn't want or even knew how to form any words. Most importantly, he wanted to think about this situation and this situation only, but he couldn't keep his thoughts away from his own briefly touch with death. Is this how people reacted when he tried to die? He knew that he had truly brought people pain even if they didn't give a damn about him, but he had almost forced a bunch of kids to watch someone **die. **Like the same kids were forced to watch now.

"My son!" A cry of indescribable pain pierced through the distressed voices of the audience. Mr. Diggory forces himself through the crowd; his movement was clumsily and desperate like he didn't care who he was bumping into as long as he could get to his son. "Move! He is my son!" There was something desperate in his voice, like he refused to really believe that Cedric was dead. Like he was clinging onto a hope that resembled a dying flame that could only be ignited again if he got confirmation that his son wasn't dead.

The dying flame went out completely as he finally reaches Cedric and he started cry harder. He fell down to his knees with tears streaming down his face. He didn't care where he was; he only cared about what he had lost.

**_"Are you panicking because you're seeing a father mourning his dead son or because that dead body could have been yours and that Diggory's father could have been your father? Nah, you have empathy. It's probably a mix between the two". _**

Fred would have been proud of the fact that he wasn't crying for once, but unfortunately it didn't mean that his body wasn't reacting in a very negative way. He couldn't move, his mouth was dry, every sound was muffled and his body felt numb. Fred couldn't even feel the nails digging into his arm and for a second he forgot that it wasn't even his own nails for once. He was thankful for the fact that he couldn't say anything because he didn't want to draw attention to himself. This wasn't about him, someone had just **died**.

**_"You need to act less like this then. You can talk about your feelings later. Harry is going to be really messed up about this so he'll need Ron and Hermione". _**

_"I know. He have to borrow my girlfriend after this, but how do I break away from this panic". _

**_"Use the little willpower you have left. First of all, put your arms around Hermione. Harry has been taken elsewhere so he will get comfort later. Make sure that the others are okay". _**

Fred forced himself to loosen the grip Hermione had on his arm. She looked at him and was about to apologize and make sure that she hadn't hurt him when he wrapped his arms around her.

"Don't look at him", Fred whispered in her ear and she hugged him back desperately and buried her face in his chest.

George snapped out of his shook and looked at the couple. He saw how white in the face Fred was, but Fred silenced him with a stern look before he could voice his concern.

Ron looked over at Hermione. "Should we go and find Harry?" He asked.

"I don't think we're allowed to see him yet", Hermione said and let go of Fred.

Fred wasn't really listening. Instead he watched as a couple of wizards covered Cedric's body and carried it away. He knew he should have been more horrified at the sight of a dead body but… well, his life hadn't exactly been devoid of messed up things.

"We should go anyway", Ron said. "We could go and wait for him at least".

Fred turned to Hermione. "He's right. Harry is going to need you".

Hermione nodded. "Okay. I'll see you later".

"Of course", Fred responded as Ron and Hermione walked in the same direction Harry went with Mad-eye.

Fred started to walk away in the other direction as soon as they disappeared.

"Fred, where are you going!?" George exclaimed and went after him.

**_"Yeah, where?"_**

_"I want to get out of here, be alone"._

**_"Sounds like a stupid idea and I thought you didn't want to make the situation about you". _**

_"I don't". _

**_"Then stop acting so fucking suspicious. I'm not saying that you can't talk with him about what just happened and how it made you feel, but don't make him worried. Stop. Leaving. Like. This. Don't shut him out". _**

_"Why are you being nice all of sudden?" _

**_"Ask yourself". _**

"I just need to get out of here", Fred responded and slowed down so George could catch up. "I can't stay here. Let's go somewhere else".

"Like where?" George asked when he was finally beside him.

"I don't know. Somewhere calmer. Somewhere where I don't have to be reminded that I just saw a dead kid. Yes I know that he's older than us, but not by much", Fred said.

George had things he wanted to ask, but he decided that now wasn't the time.

"Maybe the clock tower courtyard? I don't think we'll find many people there", George suggested and Fred nodded silently.

They walked in silence until they reached their destination. The weather wasn't really that warm so George did regret his suggestion, but he didn't want to postpone their conversation for long.

They sat down on one of the benches a couple of inches away from each other.

"Do you feel like smoking?" Fred asked out of the blue. George was rather taken aback by that question. He barely smoked anymore, finally managed to reduce his tobacco intake greatly, but it was really tough sometimes. He still smoked occasionally, but he was sure that he would kick the habit one day.

"A little", George admitted. "I haven't done it since the day before yesterday".

"I won't tell if you need one now", Fred said. It confused George a little, but it wasn't that weird consider the situation. He really did want to smoke just to calm down and Fred could tell that. Fred would not be happy about it despite his words, but sometimes you had to indulge yourself. Someone just died, couldn't they just not care about health and such for one moment?

George was just about to take Fred up on that offer, but decided against it before he could open his mouth. Fred wouldn't tell him to smoke if he didn't have something _special _in mind.

"Do you want me to smoke because you want _my _moment of weakness to justify _your _moment of weakness later?" George asked, trying to not sound too angry.

"What do you mean?" Fred asked.

"We both know that the biggest reason for me to stop smoking is because then I know that if I can get over my addiction then so can you", said George and Fred looked down at the ground. "So I think you think that you can use my relapses to make yourself feel better about your possible relapse later. You haven't self-harmed for a few days - of what I know - so it must be hard for you to hold back. If your addiction work the same as mine, I mean".

"That might have been the reason if I hadn't relapsed this morning", Fred said and George turned his head to look at him so fast that his neck hurt.

"What?" He asked in disbelief.

Fred shrugged and pulled up his pant leg briefly to show four newly made lines on his skin.

"I was going to tell you afterwards but my mood was improved greatly so quickly when we made the last preparations for today so I decided to tell you later. Before you ask, there wasn't any significant reason for it. It was just an urge you know… but I have managed to stay clean for a couple of days before that so you can't be too mad at me!"

"First of all, this only makes me believe my theory more", George said and extended his hand in Fred's direction. "Whatever you used, give it to me now", he said sternly.

Reluctantly, Fred handed George a small nail. "It's from the bed. The person who built it must have made a mistake because this one didn't actually sit in a place that would hold the bed together. I suspect the maker realized that he placed it in a bad spot and was too lazy to remove it", Fred explained. "But back to the smoking thing. I thought that I had no reason to hold you back from smoking at least this time... and maybe I would have asked if I could try. I know I shouldn't have told you to smoke consider that you're trying to quit. That was stupid and fucked up. It's like if you would have told me that it was okay for me to hurt myself just because the situation is fucked up".

"I don't think replacing your current addiction with another one is a good idea", George said. He was so grateful that he decided not to smoke when Fred told him that it was okay. It felt like he just avoided a really bad situation. "And yes, it was wrong of you to try to tempt me into giving into my cravings. It's okay though. Now I know that I should keep cigarettes from you as well".

"I just wanted to try! I would never take from your stash without asking either. You can still trust me with them", Fred assured him and sighed. "This day turned out very fucked up, didn't it?"

"Yeah", George answered quietly and put the nail in his pocket. "Harry yelled that you-know-who is back. I can't believe it, I thought it was over".

"What?" Fred's looked up at him with wide eyes. "Are you sure Harry said that?"

"Yes", George said, sadly. "But he might have said that out of shock so we don't have to be scared yet… how come you didn't hear him yell that? You and I were the same distance away from him. You also looked at him".

"I froze", Fred admitted. "You would think someone who have been through trauma would get used to it… eventually I guess I could probably watch people die without batting an eye, but it's a bit too soon".

"That's weird", George said. "I really fucking hope you don't become that emotionless. Did you get a flashback or something when you saw Cedric?" George asked and it was obvious that saying his name took a lot of effort.

"Not really. I freaked out, like people usually do when they see a dead body". Now was not the time to explain what actually went through his head. This was definitely not the time. "You didn't look so hot either over there. Afraid you're going to hear voices too soon?"

George chuckled and punched him playfully on his shoulder. "I don't think this is enough for me to worry me about that", he said. "And no offence, but one person hearing voices is enough".

"You don't want to join my schizzo-gang?"

"No, I don't want to join your _schizzo-gang _", George answered, amused. "I'd rather stay in _the one person per head club _".

Fred laughed. "I would rather be in that group as well, to be honest. Maybe one day I will… maybe". Fred stood up. "Should we go in?"

"Yes please", George said and shivered. He also stood up and both started to walk towards their common room.

Fred glanced at his brother and put his arm around him. "Are you okay, Georgie? It's okay to be afraid you know", Fred said with a small smile. "People do get scared". George pushed his arm off of him and chuckled. The chuckle was clearly not sincere, but Fred decided not to comment.

"We don't know if there are anything to be afraid of yet!" George exclaimed, but it sounded more like he was trying to convince himself rather than his brother. "You don't need to coddle me yet".

"So you all can comfort me, but I can't comfort you?" Fred asked.

"Not until there is anything you need to comfort us for", George answered. "So just drop the subject… for now". Fred nodded, he understood that talking about this now would only make the situation worse. George would only become more distressed, which would be all in vain if there turned out to not be anything to be distressed about.

"Okay", Fred said. "Let's go back to the common room. I want to wait for Hermione there". George nodded and both of them started to walk again.

* * *

Jules looked at Fred with that look again. "You're still scratching around your nails, I see. It's a nasty habit to beat".

Fred looked up at him, a little ashamed, and shrugged. "I don't think this is the time to try to get rid of this. There are stressful times".

"What do you mean?" Jules asked, worried.

Fred decided not to bring up you-know-who's return. Many people didn't believe Harry when he said that he was back so Fred didn't want to risk discovering that Jules was one of them. It didn't feel right to talk to someone who didn't believe you (Fred would know). Jules might be on his side or wouldn't give a answer at all because it was against some policy or something. However, Fred still didn't want to risk it.

"It just is", Fred said. "Are we going to talk to him again? I mean-are _you _going to talk to him?"

"The voice? Of course, if you're up to it", Jules said. "It was a lot last time".

"There will always be _a lot _", Fred answered. "I still want to do it".

"Very well", Jules said, smiling. "You know the drill. Make sure that you sit comfortably and close your eyes". Fred did as he said and started to inhale and exhale slowly. "Just relax".

"This didn't work out that well last time", Fred said and it didn't take long for Jules to know that Fred was telling him what the voice was saying.

"I think it did", Jules said. "I believe that you want control over Fred, probably because you're a manifestation of his self-esteem. You're still him in a way, so you can't make things up that is beyond his imagination".

"I'm doing what needs to be done", Fred said. "Shit happens to this kid all the fucking time and he's not doing anything about it".

"Do you mean the first wizard war when the death eaters came and the incident in his first year at Hogwarts?" Loré asked. "Because those were completely beyond Fred's control. He was also a child both times, a _little _child. What could a little child do?" Jules knew that it was risky to bring up those things in this conversation, but he felt like he was really onto something.

"That's not true!" Fred exclaimed, he looked a little angry. "Of course he could have done something. A stupid child is still a stupid child".

"What could he have done? It's not like Fred had _control _over the situation", Jules said and he knew that he immediately had hit a sore spot. The expression on Fred's face, even if his eyes were still closed, changed several times during the course of a few seconds. He went from annoyed, to angry, to angry bordering on sad, to confused, to shock back to being annoyed again. The voice clearly didn't know what to answer. "Fred didn't have control over the situation, he didn't have any control".

"Of course he fucking did! Or he _should _have!" Fred screamed.

"He didn't have control and that's what's eating you up inside", Jules said, softly. "You want to blame yourself, treat yourself bad, because that's what you have to do to tell yourself that you have control over yourself and that you not preventing the situations from happening is your fault. If you had done something different it would have been differently, Isn't that what you believe, Fred?" No answer. "Being in control of yourself and your life is important to most people, especially men. You don't want to let go of the little freedom you have left because you don't want to accept the fact that you are trapped by things beyond your control". Jules stood up and walked closer to Fred who's fists were clenched so tight that his knuckles turned white. "You haven't felt in control of yourself for a long time. All those harmful behaviors were part of the pretend freedom, the pretend control".

"There must have! … there must have been something I could have done!" The desperation in Fred's voice didn't just come from the voice. It was like the subconscious part of his mind that had become the voice and Fred himself had finally realized that they weren't enemies anymore; they were just the same cry for help; echoed. "They can't take that from me! YOU can't take that from me! M-my innocence is gone! My ch-childh-hood is too! Even my f-fucking days and nights have been taken for me because all I see is the traces of what have happened to me left behind. Don't let them take that from me too!" Tears started to fall down his face despite how hard the closed his eyes and or how many times he tried to swallow the lump in his throat.

"I'm not taking anything from you", Jules said and knelt down in front of Fred's chair. He had clearly given up on talking to the voice like it was a separate person and Fred had stopped talking like he was only repeating someone else's words. It was Jules and Fred, just like it had always been. There never was a third person in the room. "Sometimes things happens to us that the can't control and that's okay. It's not fair how sometimes other people determine what happens to us, but you could still gain your control back. Get better from what your previous experiences have done to you and show that _you _are in charge of your own life. You don't need to pretend that it's your fault anymore, you can stop putting yourself down because you think it's your fault… because you _want _it to be your fault".

"I-I… I traumatized several students when I tried to kill myself", Fred said quietly. "I am constantly making life harder for everyone else because of my problems… th-those are within m-my c-c-control. What the fuck do I d-d-do with th-that?"

"The students that were present did get to talk with professional healers to make sure that they were alright and you're not the only one who feels like this. People have to adapt to people who feel like you all the time, YOU might have to comfort someone else like this someday. Would that make the person you have to comfort bad?" Fred slowly shook his head. His eyes were still shut tightly. "People make mistakes, some mistakes are worse than others, but they don't make you a bad person. Even if you could have done something to prevent what those horrible people did to you, how would that still be your fault? Only _they _were in control of their own actions and _they _were the perpetrators".

"I-I don't want them to take more from m-me", Fred said with a sob. Jules stood up because his knees had started to hurt. "B-but they a-already had don that, d-d-didn't they?"

"I'm sorry", Jules said softly with a sympathetic smile. "You can open your eyes now". Fred opened his eyes and immediately buried his face in his hands. His sobs sent vibrations through his body. Jules walked over to his desk and picked up a tissue box before returning to Fred. Fred looked up and took three tissues that he used to blow his nose and dry his never ending tears with.

"I must look really disgusting right now", Fred said with a genuine laugh. "I'm so glad my girlfriend isn't here right now".

"Where is she right now?" Jules asked.

"Outside with my brother", Fred responded and blew his nose again. "They couldn't agree on who would come with me this time so I brought both… had to leave Lee because that would be quote on quote _unfair _to the other two…. I have yet to bring Angie if she also wants to sit outside bored out of her mind".

"You want me to send them in?" Jules asked despite Fred's previous statement about not wanting his girlfriend to see him like this.

"Yes please", Fred said, which made Jules chuckle. "I think it's for the best. I don't think I can stop crying otherwise".

"Okay, but before I let them in I just want to make sure of something", Jules said. "Do you think this session helped?"

Fred nodded excitedly. "Definitely. I definitely think that this have helped me understand him better. I… I don't know how I feel about that… that he is s-suppos-s-supposedly a m-manifestation of my l-lack of control… he is quiet for the moment, however".

"That's a good thing", Jules said.

Suddenly Fred started to burst out laughing. "The irony! I'm slowly getting better while the world is getting worse! How is that fair?"

Jules sighed. "Things aren't fair. You of all people should know that". Fred snorted. "But do you really think it will get so much worse?"

"I don't think. I know it will", Fred responded.

* * *

"Why the bloody hell did this happen?" Fred asked bitterly. It was the start of the new school year and everyone sat in the great hall. Summer had been rough, partly because of the drama with Harry and Dumbledore about you-know-who's return. The school year didn't sound like it was going to become so much better.

"Yeah, our last year!" George exclaimed. "If we had been in one year earlier instead of Percy, we would have barely escaped the toad woman".

"She could hear you, you know", Lee said. "But yeah, screw this".

"Well you won't be holding back because of this, are you?" Hermione asked.

"No so don't get your hopes up", George responded and crossed his arms. "Are you still angry that we're testing products on first years?"

"You know I am!" Hermione exclaimed. "It's unethical!"

"You choose a very unethical boyfriend", Fred said and put his arms around her. She sighed in annoyance before leaning into his embrace.

"What if they get seriously hurt by your experiments?" She murmured.

"Don't worry", George said. "We always test our products on ourselves first".

Angelina decided to join the conversation. "I don't know if that's better or worse".

"Obviously better", Fred said.

"Yeah", said George. "Because we make sure that first years aren't killed".

"By you?" Angelina asked, amused.

"By us, yeah", George answered. Him and Angelina looked at each other for a few minutes before breaking the awkward eye contact when they realized what they were doing.

Fred wasn't sure why they hadn't gotten together yet. He would have to ask them about it separately later.

"How bad do you think it will get this year?" George asked Fred.

"Honesty?" Fred asked and brought his voice down to a whisper. "I don't know but… this doesn't look very fun". Fred decided that making a 'please kill me' joke wasn't appropriate yet… because of obvious reasons. For him it was obviously just a joke because he didn't actually plan to kill himself… but it surely would kill the mood.

"Maybe not", George responded. "But we can still make it fun. That's who we are, right?"

Fred smiled. "Yeah that's true".

* * *

_A few months later_

"You know", George said while poking the back of his bandaged hand. "I don't feel 'fun' right now".

Fred crossed his arms over his chest and smirked at him. "You might feel a little more fun if you stopped touching it. Makes it less painful, you know".

They had just returned from their punishment. Apparently a group of students calling themselves an army teaching themselves how to fight is '_ unorthodox' _and _'against the school rules' _so they all had to literally use the most masochistic quills in existence and carve lined into their skin. You know, the same old way… technically it was the same old for Fred, but mentioning that wouldn't make the situation better. Neither would the fact that it wasn't as 'old' as he would have liked. Beating a bad habit was truly a struggle and it was frustrating.

"You might be right about that", George said and stopped picking at his wounds. His smile disappeared and he looked like he was deep in thoughts.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Fred said and leaned against the table behind him. George looked at him, uncertain, but he decided to ask anyway.

"Something just hit me and I started to wonder… because we had to write the lines ourselves… ".

"Are you wondering if I enjoyed it?" Fred cut George off and crossed his arms. He wasn't really angry at that question, he was mostly curious and just slightly offended. "Like do you wonder if it felt like giving into my normal urges?"

"Well… yeah?" George decided that he shouldn't try to sugarcoat it. "I know of course that it's not completely the same because this was involuntary. But does it give the same feeling afterwards?"

"I haven't thought about it", Fred said and rested his hands on the table at his sides. "I wouldn't say that it's the same because this is not me doing it for the same reasons, but because I was forced to. I think it helped a little bit with my _habit _and this is a new way of doing it that I haven't tried before… I'm sorry for the last part. But no, I wouldn't count this as the same thing. Partly because this is actually a scar I wouldn't be embarrassed about showing off".

"Is it because this is the first scar that isn't _obviously _made by you?"

"Pretty much", Fred responded. "Was that answering your questions?"

"Yes, sorry", George said and Fred smiled at him and said that it was fine.

That was an awkward question, but Fred understood the curiosity. It had become easier for his friends and girlfriend to talk about this problem. Sometimes it was weird, sure, but Fred didn't fear that people would burst out crying every time they talked about it. Of course that didn't always apply to his parents, especially his mom. People were frustrated that he hadn't stopped. Fred could also tell that they weren't the only ones who were frustrated with him because he hadn't stopped self-harming yet.

**_"You know that you are not frustrated over the same thing. That's incorrect". _**

Or frustrated with _him _might not be a true statement, more so frustrated at his mental illness for keeping him from making more progress. Fred had come far in other ways, but just this was something that refused to leave. It wasn't as bad as before but he hadn't seen any more progress in months. Having Umbridge there didn't help, especially when it was already stressful enough in school where he didn't want to be. He didn't just dislike being there because he didn't think that school was necessary for his career, but because so many shitty things had happened to him there. Honestly, some of his worst memories were connected to Hogwarts. It was hard to pass Loré's old office or walk into the classroom where he had potions without thinking about what had happened at those places. Sometimes he actually got very light headed and had to leave. He could mostly endure it during potions, but it was immensely difficult to not be extremely affected at the other place. Fortunately for him, this was his last year anyway. Fred just had to finish these last months and then he could leave.

**_"Why wait for that long?" _**

Fred looked at George, smirking. At first George looked confused, then a little scared and then confused again.

"What's with that look?"

"Dear Georgie", Fred said with a mischievous grin. "I think we have finished our education early".

"Oh really", George answered with a similar grin on his face. "Should we plan our graduation then?"

"Yes we shall".

* * *

Fred felt more relieved when he thought he would have when he and his brother were leaving Hogwarts on their broomsticks. Of course he knew that this would make them happier because they thought that finishing school was a waste of time, but now it felt like he could breathe easier. It felt like something heavy that had been sitting on his chest had finally been lifted off him. ANother good explanation of this feeling was that it was like he was finally gasping for air after he had been underwater for so long.

Of course everything wasn't perfect; you-know-who (dear Voldy) was back, the toad woman was still at Hogwarts and his girlfriend was going to kill him for throwing away his education like that and for abandoning her there. However he knew that he wouldn't lose her as a girlfriend.

_"You're planning to leave soon, aren't you?" Hermione asked Fred, she was leaning against the wall with her arms crossed. She looked disappointed. _

_The twins, Hermione, Harry and Ron were in the common room. It was mostly empty, just a few students that were currently on their way out of the portrait. _

_Harry and Ron looked at each other; sensing that they probably shouldn't interfere. "We will see you at breakfast, Hermione", Harry said and he and Ron left the room. _

_Hermione didn't bat an eye, she just continued to stare angrily at her boyfriend and his brother. "Well?"_

_"What if we are?" Fred asked. "You wouldn't snitch on us, would you? You know that our punishment wouldn't just be cleaning some cauldrons, right?"_

_"I am aware that she is not above physical harm", Hermione said and unconsciously rubbed the back of her hand. The wound should probably be scabbing now… Not that Fred could know for sure. "So consider that I don't want you two to get hurt - no I won't tell on you. I'm hoping to convince you to stay". _

_"Good luck with that Herms", George said. "But we can't stay here. I'm not even the twin with bad mental health and even I feel like shit here". _

_"And me - the twin with bad mental health - feels more like shit than usual", Fred said and Hermione sighed at their ridiculousness… even if she thought that it was a little clever. _

_"You have almost finished your last year. If you run away now, then all these years of school have been for nothing and you're throwing away your future like it's rubbish", Hermione said, almost pleaded. _

_"We have learned everything we needed to know already", George said. "And finishing the year is throwing away time. We don't need a degree to do what we want to do and staying with the toad woman is not a pleasant last memory of this school… I guess she will be the last memory either way, but you get the point". _

_Fred sighed. "Look, I know how important school is for you and your ambition is one of many, MANY things I admire about you. But I we can't stay here, __I __can't stay here. Not just because I will never get better when I'm supposed to do what she wants, but because… well, she knows too much now". Hermione wasn't the only one looking confused at that last statement, George didn't expect that either. _

_"Fred", George warned. "What do you mean by that?" _

_Fred scratched his neck and turned to look at him. "Well, I suspected that she would figure out that I was 'suicide boy' eventually because even though that thing have died down significantly, it's still a thing. Some teachers still treat me like I'm on suicide watch after all and I'm sure that Slytherins are not beyond gossiping about the hysterical Gryffindor. So I was prepared for that, but I thought that I could hide the self-mutilation part because that isn't really common knowledge… but I was wrong", Fred said with a shrug. A bit nonchalant, especially compared to the looks on the other two's faces. _

_"H-how does she know about that?" Hermione asked. "Our uniforms have long sleeves and you even wear wrist warmers sometimes. It's not like she asks to see people's arms". _

_Fred turned to look at her. "Remember when she wanted to interrogate us about the DA? Well she decided to interrogate us two not long before the DA was sold out. She had heard about the suicide thing and tried to bully me about that, I dropped the scalding hot tea on my arm and forgot that she was in the room when I pulled up my sleeve… yeah, you can guess the rest". _

_"No, what did she say?" Hermione asked, angrily. _

_"I don't remember exactly what she said, but she was definitely making fun of me and asking how incompetent Dumbledore and the rest of the teachers must be to not prevent this from happening… I also suspect that she thinks I'm doing this because I'm poor… not true, but she doesn't need to know the actual reason so I didn't really try to convince her otherwise". _

_"How come I didn't know about this?" George asked, only part of his anger was directed at Fred. _

_"I'm confused about that too, actually", Fred said with a thoughtful look on his face. "I must have forgotten to tell you or assumed that I had already said that… I have been pretty distracted since then". _

_"You can't keep these things from us", George said and put a hand on his shoulder. "So that memory of yours better not betray you again". Fred nodded and looked down at the floor. "What do you think that she will do with the information?" _

_"Well spread it or use it to ridicule Dumbledore even further", Fred said. "And I won't let that happen. I mean she have already used that as an excuse to write longer lines for punishment, but-". _

_"Wait, what?" George cut him off and Hermione grabbed Fred's bandaged hand to take a look. _

_Fred shrugged fake nonchalantly. "I guess she thought that it wouldn't count as a punishment if it was too short". _

_"Why is it still bandaged", Hermione asked, even if she already knew the answer. "It shouldn't be bleeding anymore and no one would bat an eye at it if you didn't wear bandages because many of us have been through the same punishment". _

_George glared at Fred. "I'd imagine it being easier to open old wounds when I keep taking your sharp objects from you", he said and smacked Fred over the head. Fred just gave him a sheepish look in return despite the shame he felt. _

_Hermione removed the bandage but had to use it frequently to dab away the small pearls of blood to be able to read the text that was carved into his skin. _

_George crossed his arms again. "You are going to make the scarring worse if you pick on it, you know. I might just have to hold you down and cut your nails for you if continue to do this". It was a hint of seriousness in that joke. "What does it say, Hermione". _

_"I could have just told you two about what I had to write", Fred said. "You didn't have to do this". _

_"It says", Hermione had to squint her eyes to be able to read it easier. "It's like ours, except that it starts with 'as a mentally deranged person'". _

_"Which isn't that bad", Fred said. Hermione started to wrap the bandage around his hand again. "But besides that…". _

_"Are you really going to change subject now?" George asked and raised an eyebrow. _

_"Yes", Fred said. "Anyway. Besides this, I can't stay here any longer. I can't stop doing this-". Fred pointed at one of his arms. "-If I'm constantly reminded of the reasons why I feel horrible in the first place". _

_"He's right", George said, deciding to drop the Umbridge subject for now as well. "He is not getting better anytime soon here. I would almost say that he's getting worse". He ignored the glares Fred was sending his way. "He used to be able to go at least one or two days between his 'habit' but now I'm pretty sure it's everyday". _

_"How do you know that for sure though?" Fred said. "It's not like you have walked in on me or seen red spots on my clothes or anything like that". _

_"I am a master at identifying the shame in your eyes by now", George said with a smug smile and poked Fred on the nose which made him flinch. "You can't get by me now". _

_"You're adapting", Fred commented. "Impressive". He realized that Hermione hadn't said anything for a while and turned towards her. "I know you worry and I know that you have a hard time going against what you believe is right, but I'm not staying. Whatever you say, it won't change my mind... Do I still have a girlfriend when I go through with this". _

_Hermione sighed and took Fred's hand, not the one with the bandage on of course, and leaned closer to him. "I understand why you feel like you have to leave and despite how this goes against what I believe is right, I'll still be behind you. You __will __write me and we __will __see each other when we can… I'm going to miss you". _

_"Me as well?" George chimed in and Fred rolled his eyes at him. _

_"Yes, I'll miss you too", Hermione said with a smile. She pecked Fred on the lips before pecking George on the cheek. George in returned looked a little taken aback. _

_Fred looked at Hermione sternly. "Him and I are way too sober for a threesome". Hermione slapped him lightly on his shoulder for the joke. Fred turned to George with a smirk. "How did your first kiss feel?" _

_"Pretty sure that doesn't count", George chuckled. "This is a new way of third wheeling". _

_"With new way of third wheeling, do you mean joining in?" Fred asked and they both laughed and turned towards Hermione. "Would your dreams be fulfilled with another one of me?"_

_"How did we get to this?" Hermione asked. "The conversation started serious and then sweet. Now this. Anyway, are you two coming with me to eat breakfast?" _

_"Soon", Fred said. "We are just going to fix something first". Hermione eyed them suspiciously, but decided to not probe. She kissed him one more time, let go of his hand and left the common room. _

_George turned to Fred with a frown on his face. "What exactly are we going to 'fix'?" He asked Fred. Fred knew that George thought, and probably hoped, that they were going to talk more about the Umdridge situation. However, that wasn't what Fred had in mind. _

_"There is something I have been thinking about concerning you", Fred said. "Don't look at me like that, it isn't actually that deep. No life or death situation or anything like that". _

_"Never know with you though". _

_"I guess you're right about that", Fred said with a nervous chuckle. "But I promise that you don't have to worry. I just wonder… you know when we're on the subject of relationships, what's happening between… ". _

_"This doesn't feel like great times for any of that", George cut Fred off. "She and I agree on that. Might not make sense to you because you did get into a relationship at a bad time in your life, but we might be going into war here. Even if we're not going into a war, it doesn't feel like a good time right now". _

_"And you don't want to spend time as a couple anyway?" Fred asked, confused. "Like you would rather get together after the war when one of you might not be alive?" Fred was taken aback by his own words. He hadn't actually thought about what could happen if they actually had a war. Most likely because it wasn't that likely that it was even going to be a war, but still. _

_"You sound like we're all going to die", George said with a chuckle. "I don't honestly think it's that serious, it just FEELS like it is. If you know what I mean. And I'm sorry about the low blow there. You know, saying that you and Hermione got together during a bad time". _

_"Why? That's literally what happened", Fred said. He had gotten accustomed to how nonchalantly people sometimes talked about his problems. Which was a good thing in his opinion. Having people cry over you all the time wasn't very funny. "However, I understand. I will let that go". He raised his hands in surrender. "At least you two have actually confessed to each other. I thought I would have to watch you two pussies dance around each other until my wedding… or until my tenth wedding anniversary". _

_George put a hand over his heart in a fake hurt way. "Ouch, the faith you have in me brother". _

Fred couldn't keep himself from laughing while he and George was soaring through the sky. It was not a _'I'm out of my mind' _laugh, but a _'I'm so damn happy' _one.

They finally landed and George gave him a weird, kind of concerned, look when Fred didn't stop laughing.

"Should I be worried?" George asked, partly joking and partly serious.

Fred finally stopped laughing and turned to look at him. "Maybe!? The worst person alive might make our life harder and I just left my girlfriend with Umbridge, but I'm here fucking _laughing! _".

"Don't think about those things now", George said and put a hand on Fred's shoulder. "You can be happy for being free. Just enjoy the moment for now".

"Okay", Fred answered, despite not wanting to stop worrying about things. He let himself go for once. "So do you have the money".

"Wouldn't it have been funny if I had dropped them on the way", George said and and showed the back with cash. "Harry sure is a beautiful human being for giving us his triwizard prize money".

"Exactly", Fred said with a smirk. "Wanna go and start our future together, partner?"

"That sounded awfully gay, but alright I'll marry you". Fred hit him on the shoulder before placing a wet kiss on his cheek. George hit him back, harder.


	25. Chapter 25

"Do you think that I'm going to leave you for someone else", Fred asked Hermione jokingly as she was examining the bottles of love potions.

His and George's store was filled with people. It had been going pretty well for them considering how badly it went for other stores in the same area. Despite the dark times that were laying ahead, Fred felt happier about his life,more than he had ever been before. Being away from the place where everything went down plus finally earning your own money so you can pay for you meds and treatment yourself did wonders. No really, Fred almost cried of happiness when he discovered that he could finally pay for his own expenses… which made George freak the hell out and he didn't quite understand Fred's happiness when he got the explanation either. He was still happy for Fred of course.

Fred walked over closer to Hermione who smiled at him while putting down the bottle she was holding. "Or are you looking for help to make it easier for you to find a new man? You don't need extra help, don't worry", Fred said and wiggled his eyebrows.

"You sound awfully calm about me leaving you", Hermione said and wrapped her arms around his middle. Fred in return wrapped his arms around her too and held her tightly.

"Well maybe I'm a cuck. Remember when I asked if you wanted George to join? Maybe I just asked for my sake", Fred said. Hermione commented that the joke was disgusting while still chuckling and Fred planted a kiss on her head. "That joke was a little weird, I'll admit. However, I promise I wouldn't sound this calm if I was actually afraid that you were going to leave me. Gotta keep up that alpha male thing".

"Fred, i love you, but I don't know if alpha male is the right category for you", Hermione said and laughed at his expression.

"My masculinity is threatened", Fred said dramatically. He felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Well, mister manly man", George said. "I need you and your manliness back at work". He squeezed his shoulder and let go.

"I won't stop hearing about this for the rest of the day", Fred sighed and he and Hermione let go of each other. "We have to meet up and celebrate another day".

"Celebrate?" Both Hermione and George said (kind of) at the same time.

"Yes. For being one month clean! … of drugs", Fred added the last part when two girls gave him funny looks. "I had morfin once and never looked back". The two girls left.

"Really?" George said, a little excited. "One month already? I thought that I hadn't seen the same sadness in your eyes for a while". George said the last part more sarcastically.

"That's amazing", Hermione said. "How is the urge?"

"It's still there, but it's greatly reduced", Fred said with a shy smile. "I still think I should wait a little longer before I have my scar removal. You know, just in case. One month isn't that long consider how long I have been doing this".

"One month is still a big deal", Hermione said, her bright smile made Fred feel much warmer on the inside. "I'm proud of you".

"Hopefully I'll keep making you proud by not giving in", Fred said, looking slightly unsure of himself.

"I won't be disappointed in you if that happens", Hermione assured with a kind and genuine smile. "Having a long period of time between each time you give in is still a huge win. So this won't be for nothing no matter what happens".

"I agree and this is all very sweet", George said and grabbed Fred's arm. "But we got work to do so say goodbye to Hermione and come and do what you're supposed to do".

Fred kissed Hermione quickly on her lips and said goodbye before George dragged him away. Still smiling, Hermione turned around and was met by a jealous look from a student, Mclaggen, who walked away as soon as her eyes landed on him. What was that all about?

"Apparently being in a relationship means that men will be all over you", Ron said jokingly as he and Harry walked over to her. "I also got this for a lower price for telling Fred that you were here". Ron showed off one of the twins' products. "I assume he had something important to say?"

Ron really seemed to be happy about them staying friends at last. Neither Hermione nor anyone else had been able to sense jealousy from him for a while. Her being with someone he cared about probably helped him to get over her easier.

"He didn't propose if that's what you think", Hermione answered. "He just missed me".

"He is more of a romantic than I ever thought he would", Ron said as the treo walked towards the entrance. "Quite interesting to see".

"He seems happier too, right?" Harry asked. It sounded like he needed confirmation that something in this life was actually getting better.

"Yes, he does seem happier", Hermione answered. At least for the moment.

* * *

This wasn't a good night for Fred. Many nights were bad, and this was one of them. He wanted to sleep, but despite him only being able to sleep when it was completely dark he found himself unable to even lay down on his bed without having the light in his room on.

Fred was currently sitting cross legged on his bed and tried to come up with arguments against why he should break his abstinence from self-harm. Something that most likely sounded stupid to others, but it wasn't that easy. He couldn't stop thinking that it wasn't actually that bad if he relapsed. Yes, people would be disappointed and he would be disappointed in himself for having to start over, but was starting over even a bad thing? Especially if giving in felt so good at the moment. No, it wasn't worth it. Fred ALWAYS felt like shit afterwards and it made him so happy that he had been able to go a little more than a month without hurting himself. But was it worth it? Was it worth not hurting yourself if you had to fight the urge for the rest of your life? No Fred, you won't have the urge for the rest of your life so of course it's worth it. Fred hadn't been trying hard for that long. He was removed from the toxic environment now, he had a better chance at getting better. Still, sometimes it felt worthless to even try.

Should he bother George? He had been debating wherever to ask his brother to distract him or not. Fred wanted to be alone, but at the same time wanted someone to talk to. He wanted to walk to his brother's room and ask for comfort, but at the same time he didn't want to bother someone who was wasting energy to help him with his emotional turmoil on a daily basis, someone who was also most likely asleep as well. George would be mad at him if he relapsed or was in distress without telling him, but Fred didn't want his loved ones to cater to him 24/7. He just had to hold out until morning. Then he could talk to George and show that he could be alone without hurting himself. He would be fine.

"Yes, I'll be fine, I'll be fine…". Fred left the bed and walked back and forth a few times before going to his nightstand to pick up his sleeping potion. "I… no, I'll sleep later. I don't want bad dreams. I'll be fine, I'll be fine…". Fred put it down again and started to clean his room. A better environment would most likely make his sleep better.

"I'll be fine, I'll be fine". Fred was finally done with his room and took one glance at the potion before exiting the room. Maybe he should clean the entire flat? He would be so tired and don't have much time to think about the possible nightmares. "I'll be fine, I'll be fine… ".

Fred started with the twin's living room, then he went to the kitchen and became light headed because he accidentally inhaled too much detergent. He had to open the window and breathe in the fresh air for a few minutes before continuing to scrub the floor.

"I didn't try to kills myself with the detergent at least", Fred commented and chuckled. "Fuck I'm tired. I'm getting high on tiredness, everything is fucking funny…. saying fuck is the most hilarious thing right now!" He went silent to be able to hear George if he had accidentally woken him up. "Yes, stay asleep George. Don't see how weird your big brother is being".

He cleaned everywhere except for the bathroom because he didn't trust himself in there at the moment because he remembered exactly where George had put his new razor. Which then reminded Fred that he needed to shave soon. Cleaning the entire flat was one thing and taking care of basic necessities was another.

Exhausted, he walked back to his bedroom. It felt like he could fall asleep without his potion but he knew better. He would become more awake when he laid down and then start to think again and he didn't want that. Fred actually didn't want to go to sleep at all but it was tree in the morning and he had to get some rest for work tomorrow (or more like later that day). Taking the potion scared him, but he tried to tell himself again that he would be fine.

Fred picked up the little bottle, measured the correct dosage, and poured the liquid into his mouth. He waited a few seconds before he forced himself to swallow. It left a bitter taste in his mouth, but he didn't care. He had to go to bed; he just had to.

Slowly, Fred dragged himself to his bed and laid down. He pulled the covers over himself and closed his eyes. _"I'll be fine… just talk to George in the morning. Maybe write Hermione a letter as well, maybe even write mom one. I don't send letters that often to her anymore because she is less worried nowadays. But she'll definitely be happy to hear from me… I just have to fall asleep… nightmares aren't that bad. Just fall asleep". _

Fred opened his eyes. "_ Fuck that". _He almost flew up from the bed and walked back and forth again. He also pinched his cheeks and rapidly blinked to try to keep the sleep out of his eyes, but the potion just made him more and more tired.

"I don't want to sleep, I can't!" Fred grabbed his hair in frustration. "I can't have bad dreams tonight, I just… ". His tries to keep himself awake were futile; he needed something stronger.

Fred half ran half walked out of his room and into the kitchen. He was about to grab some fire whiskey, but his moment of impulsivity was stopped by him not being sure if it was dangerous or not to mix alcohol with the potion. The least thing he wanted was for George to find him passed out or dead in the kitchen so he decided not to take that risk. Instead he ran to the bathroom, the room he had previously ignored, and closed the door behind him. He turned on the water in the shower and climbed into the bathtub. The cold water gave his body such a chock that he almost jumped out of the tub again but he forced himself to stay. He even intentionally adjusted so the water would remain cold for a while longer to make sure that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep.

"Not feeling quite as nice as a bottle of fire whiskey", Fred mused and chuckled despite how much he was shaking from the cold. "But getting drunk would have made me fall asleep eventually… I wonder what will win; ice water or a strong sleep potion".

Fred had pulled all nighters several times, even a few nights in a row, but he had never done so after taking his potion. He had never heard that something bad would happen if you didn't go to sleep. It would probably just make him extra tired.

His wet clothes clinged to his body and his white shirt became see through because of the water. Both of those things combined made his scars show through and he couldn't stop looking at them. He pulled up one sleeve and traced his finger over his forearm. Some of them were small and clustered while some were raised and hard. When did he ever have smooth skin there? Could he remember how it felt like to have normal skin without any bumps? With the way he was now; would he ever know how that feels again?

He leaned back and closed his eyes. He grabbed the sides of the tub to make sure that he wasn't slipping and swallowed a couple of times to get rid of the lump in his throat. _"I'm such a fucking mess… what am I even supposed to do now? I'm cold and bored and I don't know what time it is. Fuck I'm cold, but I'm not falling asleep". _

Fred stared numbly at the end of the tub in front if him. He knew that he should turn off the water and get out, or at least remove his clothes and make the water warmer. However, he wasn't going to do any of those things.

The cold water keeping him awake and the sleeping potion trying to make him unconscious were battling with each other. It made him nod off and wake up constantly, which made his neck hurt and his body sink lower into the tub. Luckily, the plug wasn't in so the water ran down the drain. Which meant that he wouldn't accidentally drown if he actually fell asleep.

_"Why am I feeling like this lately? I thought I was fine, but I've had several tough nights now. Is it because of what's happening to the world right now? Am I actually this bothered by it? I know you-know-who returning is a pretty big thing, but I don't have the same personal experiences with that man as, for example, Harry have… I don't fucking know anymore". _

The door the the bathroom opened and a tired George walked in, but stopped in his tracks when he saw Fred. Fred opened his eyes and turned his head to look at the intruder. Maybe it was because Fred was extremely exhausted, but he found the scenario more funny than embarrassing. Which wouldn't have been the case if he was more awake.

"Fred… ?". George looked both really confused and really worried at the same time. "What the bloody hell are you doing?"

Fred looked from George to himself and back to George again. "Sh-shower-r-ring", Fred stuttered. He was really cold right now, but he made no attempt to get up or get himself warmer.

George hurried to the bathtub, quickly turned off the water and grabbed a towel. "Merlin's beard, you're freezing!" George exclaimed. He leaned over Fred and put the towel on him. "How… how long have you been here?"

"I-I don't kn-know", Fred answered and clutched the towel closer to his body and started to dry his face.

George grabbed Fred's upper arms and helped him up from the tub. Fred immediately created a puddle under him when he stood on the bathroom mat. George grabbed the towel from his hands and wrapped it around him.

"This couldn't have been a weird morning shower if you don't even know for how long you have been here", George mumbled and made Fred sit down on the toilet lid. "Wait here, I'll go and get another set of clothes before you get yourself sick. Try to dry yourself in the meantime".

George hurried out of the room and Fred pulled the towel tighter around himself. The embarrassment he was previously devoid of slowly crept up on him now. He still found the situation a little funny, but he felt mostly shame. Why couldn't he stop making people worried about him? Why did he have to be so weird? Fred couldn't come up with any excuse to tell George to explain why George found him fully dressed in the bathtub, so he couldn't lie even if he wanted to. He wondered what George thought that he was doing. George shouldn't think that he was trying to drown himself at least…_shouldn't _.

Speaking of the devil, George returned and put a set of dry clothes on a dry spot on the floor. "Change into these and meet me in the kitchen", George said sternly. He left and closed the door behind him.

Fred sighed and it took him a few minutes before he had the courage to leave the semi warmth of his towel to get out of his wet clothes. He stood up and immediately felt much colder. With a bit of a struggle, Fred slowly removed his wet shirt, pants and underwear and put them in the bathtub so he could properly take care of them later. He used the last dry part of his towel to dry himself a little more before he threw that in the tub too and grabbed a new towel.

George returned with his new clothes and left again to give him privacy to change. Fred dried himself a little more until he was sure that his clothes wouldn't stick to his body and picked up his new clothes. He noticed that the shirt was short sleeved, which he assumed was a conscious choice on George's part. Fred picked up a new, fluffier, towel. He wrapped it around himself before leaving for the kitchen.

George pointed at one of the chairs and Fred sat down on it. "This doesn't look good, right?" Fred asked.

George sighed. "It doesn't look good, no. I found you showering in ice cold water with your clothes on early in the morning. And what the bloody hell did you do before that? Probably not sleeping because you look like a zombie and I have never seen the kitchen or YOUR room this clean before".

"Wait until you see the rest of the flat".

"Fred!"

"Sorry. Shouldn't have said it like that. But I did in fact clean our whole house". Minus the bathroom. There was no point in not being honest with everything right now. It felt extremely relieving that the night was over. He felt much better now when he escaped another night with possible nightmares.

"I'm not going to say that I don't appreciate how clean you made the place. However, this doesn't seem healthy", George closed his eyes and sighed before looking at Fred again, who was strictly staring at the floor. "Look, I know that you did all this because you didn't want to have nightmares… which have made you unfit to work today - don't look at me like that. You'll get too tired during the day and you might even have given yourself a cold because of the shower".

"I know you want me to come to you with this, George". Fred looked up at him with a sad smile. "But I can't wake you up every time I have bad dreams. You're not our mom, and it's bad enough that _one _ of us haven't gotten enough rest for work today. No need for both to be exhausted". Fred put his elbow on the table and leaned his head against his hand with a sigh.

"But what you're doing now isn't helping now, is it?" George asked and sat down in front him. "Would it work if we slept in the same room? I mean, I'm not going to cuddle you like Lee does of course. But maybe you don't want to be alone? Maybe I should temporarily move my mattress to your room at night?"

"That won't be necessary, George", Fred said and shook his head. "I'm sure this is just a temporary problem".

"Hence why I'm _temporarily _sleeping in your room. Tell me, for how long have this been going on this time?"

"Ehm… for a few weeks maybe?"

"Yes I'm definitely moving in", George said and stood up. "I'm going to make some tea, do you want some as well?"

"Shouldn't I get coffé instead? … no, if you're forcing me to stay home from work you want me to rest so coffé is not needed. I'll have some tea as well". George nodded and turned around. "By the way, I didn't relapse", Fred added and let the towel fall off his shoulders. "I know you want to check".

"You have been honest with me today so I'll trust you without checking", George said without looking at him and went to make tea.

Fred had mixed emotions about that answer. Obviously he was glad that George actually trusted him for once, but he wasn't sure that he deserved that trust. He had _almost _relapsed and spent hours in a cold shower. That sounded pretty self destructive to him.

**_"Can't you just take this as a win and worry later?" _**

_"Yeah, sure. My self pity must be quite annoying to listen to". _

George came back with tea for Fred and himself. "Thank you", Fred said and was about to drink his tea when George stopped him.

"Wait a little. You just made yourself cold, don't burn your mouth as well". George chuckled and Fred put the tea down on the table with a sheepish smile.

"You all can't take care of me forever", Fred said with a sad smile. "How long are you going to make sure that I don't go crazy? … or crazier, I guess".

"Depends", George said and blew some air on his own tea. "In a few years maybe… when you're feeling better".

"It will never go away fully, you know that".

"But you'll be better at handling it. More stable if you will".

"How can you possibly know that? That other horrible things won't happen before I learn how to cope with them like a normal human being?"

"Because we will be here helping you until you don't need that help anymore. I thought we went over this".

Silence. Both boys tried their hot beverages to see if the liquid was still hot and then took a large sip at the same time.

"We're both in sync, how adorable", George commented and Fred laughed.

"Yeah super adorable. I think some would rather say that it's creepy though".

George smiled. "Yeah, probably. How are you feeling by the way? You are clearly shaking so I assume that you really are out of commission for today".

"No-eh.. yeah, probably", Fred confessed and pulled the towel tighter around himself.

Denying that he wasn't feeling so well wouldn't do any good. It would only start an unnecessary fight. Fred also needed to take better care of himself. He still wanted a future when people didn't worry about him all the time and he was the one who had to make sure that would happen. This was a small step, but a step nonetheless.

However, it did truly feel like Fred constantly thought about getting better and that it was time to improve himself but then did stupid shit like relapsing into self harming or doing other things that made people worried like showering in ice cold water for hours. Someone listening to his thoughts 24/7 must have been exhausted and annoyed by how much he went back and forth between _"I need to get better" _and _"I need to do a thing that's going to make things worse". _

**_"You're not wrong about that". _**

"So you're going to bed and resting without any fuss?" George sounded very hopeful.

"I'm not going to bed but I'll put on a few layers, get my blanket and rest in the living room. I might fall asleep there anyway, but it will be harder for me to fall asleep later if I do". Fred had stayed awake several nights in a row so he didn't actually believe that statement. However, he wanted George to calm down and be able to work without worrying too much.

"Sounds like a good idea". George decided to not push it. "But I'll make sure that you take you sleeping potion later".

"Well it would be difficult for you not to see me take it if we're sharing a bed from now on… ", Fred joked, even if his mood sunk at the implication that he had to sleep later.

"That's not quite what I meant when I said that I would move into your room but if your bed really feel that empty… ".

"Always empty without you", Fred responded dramatically and George put his hand over his heart, equally dramatically of course.

"But anyway", George said and stood up. "I have to go and clean myself up and make breakfast before opening the store… you're sure that you'll be alright by your own?"

"I'll go downstairs with blanket and all if I can't be by myself", Fred promised. "Not to work mind you, but to sit in the back and complain".

"Sounds good to me". George chuckled before putting away his empty tea cup in the sink. "But, seriously… ".

"I'll be okay, I'll be okay. I'll let you know right away if I can't be alone. Now go and make me breakfast".

"I'm not your wife", George murmured.

"Yes you aaaareee", Fred sang and George gave him a half assed glare before starting to make breakfast. "Thank you caregiver!"

George gave him a funny look. "Was that an insult towards me or you? Implying you're that incapable of taking care of yourself".

"Yeah, it kind of backfired on me. Not gonna lie". Fred smiled sheepishly. "Or you know what? Your mentally incapacitated brother needs to be fed. Feed me, daddy".

"Please just call me caregiver again", George fake pleaded and both laughed.

It was fine, fine for now. Fred decided to just enjoy the present. He knew that he would feel horrible again in the near future; might even be during the time George was at work. Fred had never been naive enough to think that one happy moment meant that he would never feel bad again. But instead of thinking about that, Fred decided to just think happier thoughts just for the moment while he could. Things would get worse, he needed the breaks.

* * *

Everyone knew beforehand that things would become worse. Deep down they did, but there was a difference between _knowing _something and _experiencing _it.

This wasn't the first time Fred had experiences death in some way; technically this was the fourth time. First time it was with Loré and Loré's victims, second time it was Fred's own suicide attempt, third time it was Cedric's death… and fourth time it was _this. _This touch of death was worse than the other ones combined because it felt like hope died as well.

No one knew how to properly process the news that Dumbledore was dead. By this point Fred had mastered only speaking enough for people not to ask him too many questions when these kind of things happened. He didn't want to bring too much attention to himself after all. Fred just had to wait until after the war to be traumatized… when everyone else were traumatized as well. At least they could relate to each other more.

**_"I don't think this is the right time for that kind of thinking". _**

_"Maybe not. But I need to do what I can to not be a annoying depressed freak, right?" _

**_"Damn, who hurt you?"_**

_"Your sarcasm is oddly amusing today". _

"What are you laughing at?" Ron asked, a little annoyed. "I'm glad that at least one of us can get any enjoyment out of this situation".

"Well, I am crazy Ron". Fred changed his position on the couch so he was laying down. "And I have a sarcastic shit in my head. I thought you would prefer him making me laugh instead of cry". That comment clearly made people uncomfortable but Fred thought that any distraction from the death was secretly welcomed. As long as the distractions weren't too _extreme _of course.

Ron stared at him from across the room. "I would prefer if you didn't have that voice at all… Hermione isn't going to be happy about this, you know".

Fred raised himself up again and looked at Ron, then George before looking back at Ron again. "Are you really going to put that stress on her? If you want me to not be doom and gloomy all the time I suggest you nag on me to take those meds _after _things are calmer".

George looked at Fred sadly "Can you stop mate?"

Fred looked up at him back. "Stop with what?"

"Being-". George sighed. "Don't… don't use this against him".

Fred frowned. "Using what? I don't understand what you're talking about".

"Just forget it, mate", George said and leaned his head on his hand that was propped up on the armrest. He closed his eyes and sighed in disappointment.

Fred glared at him and sat back up again. "You don't get to tell me I'm a fuck up and then be silent just like that. How am I supposed to stop doing something if I don't know what I'm supposed to stop doing?"

"You're doing it again!" George exclaimed to his two brothers' surprise. "I didn't say you were a fuck up, only that you were fucking up. There is a difference. Can't we disagree or criticize you without you making us feel bad about it?"

"Wowowowow", Ron said and stood up. "Where did all this come from?"

"He was using his illness so you won't tell his girlfriend that he isn't taking his medication", George said and Fred clenched his fists.

"Really? _That's _the basis for you conclusion that I'm a manipulative piece of shit?", Fred exclaimed back and stood up; towering over his brother.

"I didn't say ma-".

"No wait, sorry, there I was being manipulative again. I meant to say: what an _amazing _manipulative shit I am! Does that sound better? Because I'm manipulative if i'm negative towards myself, right? Or do you want me to go and tell my stressed out girlfriend who is worried to death about her best friend and her family now when you-know-who is growing stronger!? Or do you want me to take pills that take _weeks _before they work and in the meantime they make me want to off myself!?" George stared at him in silence. "I have tried to not talk about myself when Cedric died, and I stayed silent when Dumbledore died. But thanks for calling me exactly what I was actively trying not to be. Thank you so much".

Fred turned away from them and massaged his temples to sooth his oncoming headache. He was furious and wanted to leave but George decided to stand up and finally speak before he could do so. "Fred, I-".

"No fuck you George, just fuck you", Fred said quietly without looking at him. "Go and calm your fucking nerves so you don't go and accuse mom of being bipolar just because you haven't smoked today".

Fred hurried out of the room and out of the house. The cold night air hit the exposed skin of his neck, face and feet but he didn't care. He breathed in and out a couple of times until he finally calmed down; now he could finally think through the conversation more logically.

It was a low blow, attacking the fact that George was willing to still battle his cigarette addiction despite all the relapses he had recently. However, George didn't have the right to be mean out of the blue like that, especially because this touched upon something Fred had been self-conscious about for quite a while. He never wanted to become someone who manipulated other people with their mental illness, but now he couldn't tell the difference between that and just acting like everyone else. For example, now he questioned if he withheld the information about his medication from Hermione for her sake or his own. It was probably for both of their sakes but he still couldn't shake off the feeling that he did something horrible.

Was it only just a feeling if George had noticed this as well? Did Fred actually subconsciously manipulate people or was George just reading too much into it as well? It didn't matter, because there was no time to be the victim right now. Even if George wasn't the only one who had several relapses…

The door opened again and Fred turned around to face the person interrupting his thoughts. George stepped out of the house and the boys stared at each other for a few seconds before George walked a few steps to the right and leaned his back against the building wall. He pulled out a package of cigarettes from his pocket and a small box of matches. He put one of the cigarettes in his mouth and hesitated for a few seconds when he got eye contact with Fred again before litting it. Fred sighed, walked over to him and leaned against the wall next to him.

"Is this you being even more petty to me?" Fred asked. "Because not even you are this petty".

"I just don't see why I should hide this from you when you know what's going on", George said and breathed out the smoke he had just inhaled. His voice had definitely gone a little darker and huskier through the years. Hopefully, everyone just assumed that puberty was the culprit… but Fred didn't think that would be a solid excuse now when they were young adults. "You're not telling anyone about this, right? They have worse things to think about".

"Wait, are we both manipulative or are you being a hypocrite?" Fred asked and took George's cigarette from his hand. George was just about to complain when he froze in shock when Fred took a small drag and blew the smoke with just a little bit of coughing. "These take a while to get used to, it seems", Fred commented. "How… I was just about to ask how someone get so addicted by then I remember who I was and what kind of shit i'm up to". Fred lifted his arm for a few seconds before letting it fall to his side while giving George a cheeky grin.

"You don't need another addiction", George spat and tried to take the cigarette from Fred but Fred just giggled and held him back with one hand while taking another drag with the other.

"What else was I supposed to do with the packages you left me? I'm not your cigarette nanny anymore… and before you ask, yes Hermione knows so I don't need to be manipulative towards you this time".

"Why are you doing this?" George asked and stopped struggling to get his cigarette back.

"Why are you assuming that I'm trying to hurt you or something? I'm just doing whatever I can to be stable enough to not be a mess when shit is going down. I really don't think lung cancer is going to kill me when you have been fine for all these years. I already have to put more energy into fighting my self-harming, who cares if I have to learn how to stop smoking as well?"

"I care! It's my bloody cigarettes who made you start to begin with!" George cried.

"No it's my own addictive personality's fault… not that am addicted quite yet because so far I'm still in the period of thinking this is bloody disgusting. Maybe I'm not being manipulative, maybe you're just too much of a coward to do anything else than fucking coddle me. Even I realize that killing yourself during a war is kind of redundant". Fred took one last drag before handing it back to George who reluctantly took it.

"Look, I'm sorry that I flipped out on you for no reason", George said with a sigh. "But every time you say things like that I get this horrible nauseous feeling in my stomach. I guess my worry have started to take a more physical approach and I get angrier at you for that… I guess I'm, along with everyone else, just tired of you being sick".

"Well I'm tired of that too. But it's not like I've gotten much time to get better, George. After the war I'll fucking make sure that I'm institutionalized if that makes you feel better. But now I feel shitty, you feel shitty and everyone else feel shitty. If there was no time for me to get better when I had to deal with regularly going through the halls my rapist had walked through, having the threat of you know-know-who over you really doesn't give you a fucking break. The only thing I can do is to fake it until everyone makes it".

George coughed violently because he almost accidentally inhaled the whole cigarette. He looked over at Fred; red faced. "So we're supposed to pretend that you're fine until this is all over? How the fuck is that supposed to work? Look, what I said was shitty. I'm sorry that I implied that you shouldn't bring up things like you did but this is a much worse choice".

"I really don't agree", Fred said and glided down the wall until he sat on the slightly moist grass. He stretched his arms over his head until he heard a small pop in his back. His sleeves went down; exposing his last night's activities and they stayed down when he lowered his arms and placed his hands on his lap. "I think we should make a deal".

With his eyes on Fred's arms; George followed suit and sat down next to his brother. "What kind of deal?" He asked and took another drag from his cigarette; still not looking away from Fred's arms.

"That we're not going to be up in each other's addiction business until the war is over", Fred said and quickly continued before George could start his rant. "Look brother, you and me aren't going to survive this war if we're battling this instead of using it to cope. This could have been worse, we could have been addicted to alcohol or hard drugs. If I'm accidentally putting myself in danger then I'll obviously tell you or someone close by. Else, let's let each other be".

George opened and closed his mouth a couple of times before staring at the ground. Fred knew he was asking for a lot and he couldn't tell if he was in fact being logical or if he was just so desperate to hurt himself that he was willing to die a little on the inside every time he saw George smoke. He had scars on almost every body part as this point (only one _specific _part of him had yet to be scarred) and he knew he was well on his way to not have any smooth and normal skin on his body left. Knowing that he could get the scars removed unfortunately made it a lot easier to put them there in the first place. He didn't need the same consequence thinking… or maybe he did because he would never get them removed if he never stopped making them. This whole thing was a mess.

"I don't think I could be able to just let you do this", George said and gently grabbed Fred's arm. "I really don't think I could".

"You'll get used to it… you kind of already have in a way. I mean, you're not almost crying anymore", Fred pointed out. "And it's only a temporary thing. Do you want me to stop bugging you about smoking?"

"It's not the same thing".

"No you're right. This doesn't mean death-". Fed pontes at the healing wound on his arm. "-but this means death". Fred pointed at the cigarette in George's hand. "Look, I don't like watching you smoke any less than you like seeing me do my thing, but you know I'm right".

George sighed and nodded sadly. "Then I'll accept your deal… if we have some ground rules… just to make it easier for the other person to handle the other one's self destruction".

"Sounds good", Fred said. "I promise to not overstep twice a day… but I'll obviously not do it at all if I can help it. Not making a routine out of it just because". Fred hoped that George wouldn't realize that twice a day was much for the type of sessions Fred could have. One session could be anything from one quick cut to scolding hot metal making deep slices across his thighs. _"Hopefully he won't get into the specifics". _

**_"Fred… get a fucking grip". _**

_"What do you mean?"_

**_"You're acting like a child who intentionally misunderstands his parents so he won't get shit when he gets caught". _**

"And I'll only smoke two times a day", George said and looked into Fred's eyes. Fred wanted to ask how many cigarettes he intended on smoking each time but held himself back. He didn't want to risk George asking him about the amount of cuts in return.

**_"You think he is thinking that he hopes you won't get into the specifics as well?"_**

_"... ". _

**_"You both are such pathetically selfish assholes right now. You realize that, right?" _**

"Sounds good to me", Fred said and they shook hand. "Your cigarette is almost out". George glances at his cigarette and quickly changed its position so he didn't accidentally burn his own hand. He was just about to put the fire out under his foot when Fred extended his hand towards him.

**_"Really Fred? You're pushing your luck". _**

"What?" George asked but quickly realized what Fred was on about. "No, fuck you".

"You might as well get used to seeing shit", Fred said with a shrug.

George was hesitant before he surprisingly actually gave his cigarette to Fred. "Well… you're already watching me when I… so… ". Fed nodded, took one last drag from the cigarette and pulled up his sleeve a little more to find an untouched part of his skin; careful not to burn his clothes in the process. "This is so bloody fucked up", George murmured and if Fred was paying more attention he would have noticed that George was close to tears. Fred just ignored him and pressed the butt of the cigarette hard against his skin. The small burn made a little hiss sound and small strands of smoke erupted but Fred welcomed it all with open arms. The smell and sting was familiar and it helped him forgive himself a little easier for being such an asshole to his brother. Fred let the cigarette fall to the ground and then he buried it underneath some of the gravel so no one would find it.

"One instance of self harm down for today", George said with a sniffle. "One more to go". George laughed but the tears in his eyes betrayed him. Fred turned to look at him with sadness in his eyes and wrapped his arm around his twin's shoulder.

"If I make my behavior more normal to you then it wouldn't make you feel as bad when I do it", Fred reasoned as tears slowly fell down George's cheeks. "Not saying that you have to watch every time I'm doing it of course".

"But I don't-don't want it to be normal, Fred! I don't want to be jaded like you! I want to care, I want to react I… ". George covered his mouth to hold back a sob.

**_"Before you open your fucking mouth , actually think through this. Think about him. He doesn't want to become a crazy heartless psychopath who talks nonchalantly about the weather while a rotting corpse is in the same room… you know, like you. He wants to be a human after everything is over. Don't take that from him". _**

The voice was right, what Fred was trying to do wasn't right. Yes making George more thick skinned could help him during the war but it would hurt him much more in the long run. Fred didn't even feel insulted that George said that he didn't want to be like him; no one should want to be like him!

"I'm… I'm sorry George", Fred said quietly and hugged him closer. "That was fucked up and I didn't think… heh, you're right, this is very fucked up".

"How is that funny?" George said while chuckling. "And why is that funny to me?"

"Because it's better that it's funny rather than sad?" Fred suggested.

"Yeah, I guess", George said and wiped his nose on the sleeve of his shirt. "We should go in soon. It's cold".

"Soon?"

"I don't want them to see that I cried". George, not so gently, rubbed his red eyes with his sleeve.

"I understand". Fred looked up at the sky.

"You're not going to start a cliché monologue about the stars, right?"

"Would that make you laugh?" Fred asked. "The stars sure are bright tonight. Just like your beauuuutiful eyes".

"There are no stars out right now, you twat". George laughed. "Or did you mean that my eyes are just as dull as the sky? Thanks, love you too".

"I should have said that your eyes are just as bright as the stars only _I _can see".

"That's worse", George said and laughed again. "But that would have sounded less like an insult".

"Then let's pretend that it's what I actually said", Fred said and both laughed.

"Thanks, I'm so moved that you think my eyes are so bright", George remarked sarcastically. "Even though it sounds a little bit narcissistic because we look the same".

"We all know that I am a narcissist, George", Fred joked. And they both laughed for a few seconds before they calmed down a bit.

"You _really _think we're going to survive this?" George asked.

"I was serious when I said that want to try getting better after the war. I plan on keeping it that way".

George chuckled. "I guess it's a good sign when the suicidal guy is intending to stay alive".

Fred also chuckled. "Yeah, I guess you're right", Fred said. "It doesn't look like you have been crying anymore".

"Good, then we can finally go inside". They helped each other up. "You should go and properly wash your burn wound as well".

"Yeah probably", Fred said with a sheepish smile as they walked into the house.

* * *

Fred was really proud of himself, which he usually wasn't. The voice even mentally patted him on the back for being calm. Obviously he did freak out, everyone did, but he only outward freaked out like a normal person and not like he usually would have. That was a win, at least _that _was definitely a win.

Fred had been internally freaking out to some degree ever since they all agreed to risk their lives to get Harry from Private drive. Bu that freak out couldn't compare to the full blown panic he felt right now. Obviously Fred knew what he agreed to and he was all for it, but again knowing something and experiencing something was two very different things.

When Fred arrived at the burrow with his dad, he felt a little relief but couldn't calm down properly until he saw that everyone was okay, especially his brothers and Hermione. However, he did the complete opposite of calming down when he saw George. In that moment he wanted to scream and even laugh because how horribly ironic it was. Of course George was the one who would be permanently disfigured and not Fred who mutilated himself every day. It was so fucking _unfair _. George didn't deserve that shit, he didn't deserve to be hurt.

Of course Fred kept all this to himself and was pretty calm when he knelt down in front of his brother on the couch even if he wanted to cry and hug him to death. The news about Moody made him freak out even more. His girlfriend's arms around him made it easier to power through but all he wanted to do was to get away and hide.

"Fred?" Hermione whispered in his ear but it sounded more muffled than it should have. Every sound in the room sounded more muffled now when he thought about it. "Are you there?" Fred was thankful that she asked him so quietly to not attract any attention. He also thought it was a little amusing how she worded her question.

"Not the time", Fred whispers back and turned back to George who looked slightly out of it. Hermione squeezed him one more time before standing up and leaving to (most likely) talk with Harry and Ron. "Good luck getting a cigarette now", Fred joked when she left.

"Sod off", George forced out and Fred chuckled. "You're not planning on cutting off your ear as well so we still match?" George jokingly asked and Fred chuckled a little louder.

"I'm not at that level of crazy, _thank _you very much", Fred answered. "Or is that something you secretly want me to do?"

"No I'm not at that level of crazy either… or".

"That's romance for like serial killers. Would you be the ear to my only ear?" Fred said with a funny voice and a George chuckled with a wince. "But anyway, you should rest. I'll talk to you later". George, being exhausted, only nodded and closed his eyes. Fred stood up and quietly walked out of the room and up the stairs. He couldn't stay with the rest right now. Being alone was the best option when he could barely contain his feelings.

Fred walked into the bathroom and locked the door. Then he crawled into the bathtub, sat upright with his arms wrapped around his knees. It didn't take long before the tears started to fall. His whole body was shaking out of fear and convulsed with every sob.

"Th-they are a-all going to d-die", he sobbed. "He almost d-died".

**_"Is it just now you realized that you're not the only one who could die in this war? I know you are in reality fine with whatever your outcome could be, so I guess you're terrified that everyone else will die instead? Like George almost did? Like Mad eye just did? Are you the only one allowed to die now?"_**

"I n-never said that!" Fred exclaimed and buried his face in his knees to muffle his sounds so no one would hear him.

**_"But that's what you're thinking. It's alright if you leave and hurt everyone but God forbid they leave and hurt you. That's selfish, you know". _**

"I d-don't want to hurt anyone a-anymore. I am g-going to stay alive".

**_"It's good and all that you don't intent on killing yourself but what about doing your best to keep yourself out of danger? Not doing that is just as bad as offing yourself as far as I'm concerned". _**

"I know! I s-said that I was going to s-s-stay alive, d-didn't I?"

**_"I'm going to keep you to that then". _**

_"When did you become my bloody life coach?"_

**_"Some change. You have changed". _**

"I g-guess", Fred murmured and then cried silently to himself.

**_"You don't have the water on this time so you are at least one step in the right direction when it comes to your meltdowns". _**

Fred laughed out loud through his sobs. "Thanks man. Yeah I'm not having a cold shower this time at least. Still in a bathtub like a weirdo but at least I'm not making myself sick again. Major improvement". Both Fred and the voice laughed this time.

A knock on the door interrupted them. "It's me, Hermione, can I come in?" Fred heard his girlfriend from the other side say. "Please", she added before he could come up with an excuse or make a joke to distract her.

If he spoke he would give himself away that he had been crying… but she could probably already tell that he had been doing that because she have to have heard his voice, or else how did she know it was him? What if his voice didn't give him away and she just wanted to talk because this was a very straining day? "Yes, of course", Fred responded and pulled himself up from the tub. There was no point in lying to her or try to make her go away.

Fred felt a strain in his back and he massages his back muscles while he walked over to the bathroom door. Hermione immediately walked into the room as soon as Fred let her in. Probably wanted to get away from prying ears as soon as possible.

"You are becoming very friendly with the voice I hear", she stated after closing and locking the door. She didn't sound very pleased by that information.

"Yes, he have gone easier on me lately", Fred agreed. "I'm not sure if we are friends yet, but I think Jules' partner therapy have helped a lot… too bad I won't see Jules in a while". Fred sounded a little sad at the end.

**_"So we're a couple now? Well we are headmates. Jules will be alright as long as he keeps a low profile. You'll see him eventually again". _**

_"I like headmates". _

Fred frowned at the look on Hermione's face. "Isn't it a good thing that he is getting along with me rather than bullying me?"

Hermione sighed and gave him a small smile. "Of course it's better. It's just… we would all prefer if it was gone and you becoming friends with it might make you less reluctant to want that to happen".

"I'm really not sure that my willpower plays a big role in if the voice stays or not", Fred said and sat down on the toilet lid. He decided not to bring up the fact that the voice probably wouldn't disappear at all.

"I guess you're right", Hermione murmured. Fred knew that she didn't quite agree with him that him being friends with the voice was a good thing. She could be a really stubborn person. "It's better than him telling you to hurt yourself at least". Craving closeness all of sudden; Fred extended his arms towards her and beckoned her to come closer. Despite looking exhausted, Hermione gave him a honest and warm smile before walking over to him and sitting on his lap. They wrapped their arms around each other and enjoyed the silent comfort.

They hadn't been able to get a lot of alone time since Fred left Hogwarts, so this small bathroom felt like the most romantic place at that moment. There had been times Fred had been convinced that the distance wouldn't make their relationship last, but with every letter she sent made him more and more sure that what they could have could survive everything. Yes, he knew that sounded awfully cheesy.

"You have been crying", Hermione stated; it was not a question.

"Yes", Fred simply answered. "I don't think I have to explain why".

"No. Unless it isn't related to George or the war itself". Hermione buried her face in his neck. "I think you know what I was fearing when I realized that you were in here".

"Yes. I'm sorry that I scared you", Fred whispered and swallowed the lump in his throat. "I didn't think about how this all looks". A depressed person locking themself in a bathroom was apparently not usually a very good sign.

"Does that mean that you didn't hurt yourself this time?" Hermione asked, sounding hopeful. Fred was extremely thankful in that moment that he hadn't done anything that day so he wouldn't make her sadder.

"I just needed to cry out alone. Didn't want the attention when other things need that attention… I actually didn't even think about hurting myself this time now when I think about it". That revelation truly shocked him.

Hermione looked up at him, with the brightest smile he had seen in a while, and pecked him on the lips with excitement. "That's truly something I needed to hear right now. I'm so glad that it didn't even cross your mind this time". She hugged him closer and his heart melted. Obviously he did still harm himself, but there was no way he would bring up his deal with George to her. It did bring some level of guilt in him, but he knew that staying quiet about it was for the best. At least for now.

"It seems like I can react to bad things like normal people do", Fred joked with a small laugh. "At least sometimes".

"Sometimes is all I'm asking for", Hermione said. "Sometimes is still bloody brilliant". Fred truly appreciated how people reminded him that every step was a victory. For him, sometimes leaving his bed was tough but Hermione would just tell him that she was proud that he could go up at all. He didn't deserve her kindness, he knew that she would be happier with a boyfriend who brought her less stress… but only if she didn't have any feelings for Fred. Breaking up with her became a ridiculous thought every time either him or the voice reminded him that she would remain just as worried about him if he made her leave him, but with the added bonus of heartbreak. So the options were Hermione either having to willingly leave and find happiness with someone else when she didn't like him like that anymore… or she finding happiness with a recovered Fred. So far the second option seemed more likely, so he wanted to try his best to make that possible.

"I really love you, you know", Fred murmured.

"You better", Hermione answered with a laugh.

"Damn I'm a bad influence on you if that's your response".

"You usually think that's a good thing", Hermione pointed out.

"Not when I'm proclaiming my everlasting love!" Fred exclaimed dramatically and Hermione laughed again.

"I guess I love you too", Hermione finally admitted.

"Merlin's beard woman, can't even get a proper I love you from you", Fred teased. "I thought I was supposed to be the one who can't take anything seriously".

Hermione giggled and looked up at him; making sure that they had eye contact. "I love you". Fred made a choked sound and looked away. "You see! You are flustered from me being serious! I bet that's what you even tried to do to me".

"I'm not flustered", Fred said and looked back at her. "Do you see any hint of red on my deathly pale skin?"

"A little actually".

"Lies. But yeah, I did want to catch you off guard".

"And it backfired, I assume".

"I did not get flustered so no. My plan just simply did no work. That's a completely different thing Granger".

"Whatever makes you feel better, love".

"I feel really attacked by this conversation", Fred said and looked around the room. "We're in a bathroom".

"We are indeed in a bathroom".

"We shared sweet 'I love you's in a bathroom".

"We indeed did that… want to go to another room? People ought to want to use the bathroom eventually". Hermione got a point and it did seem like a more pleasant idea.

"Yeah sure. Does it still look like I have been crying?" Fred asked and Hermione took a good look at his face.

"I don't think so. So let's leave". She stood up from his lap and helped him up too. Hand in hand they walked over to the bathroom door, unlocked it and exited the room.

They almost immediately stumbled upon Ginny who gave them a funny look. "What were you two doing in there?" Her voice suggested that she had already made up her mind about what happened.

"Nothing you're thinking about", Hermione said, a little too defensive. "This is hardly a time for that sort of thing".

"I dunno. It's apparently good for comfort", Ginny responded and crossed her arms with a curious look on her face.

"Don't say _apparently _like you wouldn't know", Fred fired back teasingly. "Harlot".

"If you weren't my brother, I would have beaten you up for that", Ginny warned. "Or I might just do that because you _are _my brother".

Hermione looked back and forth between them. "Sibling love it's finest", she sighed. "But back to the subject. Nothing happened, we just needed some time to ourselves to process what have happened".

"Exactly", Fred agreed. "So you don't have to defend my honor, little sister. Because I couldn't defend yours-".

"Sod off", Ginny said; rolling her eyes with a small smile on her lips. "Just because I dated a couple of blokes doesn't it mean that I shagged each and everyone of them".

"Yes it does. I would if I were in your place", Fred joked.

"If you were dating several men?"

"Exactly. That's _exactly _what I meant". Fred tried to sound as sarcastic as he could.

Ginny chuckled. "I strongly doubt you would… even if it was women and not men".

"Thanks for not calling me a slut, sister", Fred said and dramatically fake cried of happiness. He clearly was way too into the joke so he didn't realize what he actually said next. "Don't worry! My virginity is still inta- I mean, I'm not sleeping around". He changed mid sentence when he realized but he felt like he made it worse by doing that. Both Ginny and Hermione looked at first a little shocked before looking at him awkwardly.

"Ehm", Ginny said with a small cough to clear her voice. "It's good to hear that you're not being a manslut. I mean, you are in a relationship after all". She was clearly trying to make the situation less weird by going with the last part of his joke. Fred appreciated that.

"Yeah... you better keep enjoying being a manslut while you still can", he responded and she slowly nodded.

"Yeah", she said, not quite listening to what he had said. "You must be exhausted. At least your body should. You have a sleeping potion, right? It's probably time to take it".

"Yeah", Fred said. "You're right. See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah. I mean, goodnight". Ginny smiled at him before disappearing up the stairs.

Fred turned to Hermione. "I'm… I'm sorry, I forget what my words mean sometimes. I swear I didn't actually think about _that _when I said-".

"No it's alright, it's alright", Hermione assured and grabbed his other hand as well. "Sometimes we slip up. This kind of miscommunication happens a lot. It's just a temporary mood killer, don't worry".

"Yeah I guess", Fred sighed. "I just didn't want this to happen, especially not today".

"I understand that, but hating yourself over a small mistake isn't going to make this all better". Hermione looked in the direction Ginny went. "You think she is okay? She definitely won't be scared or anything by this conversation but she seemed to want to escape".

"She and I haven't really talked about what happened to me", Fred explained. "It's not really a subject we talk about. I'd imagine it's awkward for a little sister to hear that shit about her older brother anyway. Me accidentally mentioning it now is the closest we have come to breach the subject".

"Yes I can understand that it feels like a weird thing for you two to talk about", Hermione said. "But I don't think this was the best reaction".

"What is a good reaction really?" Fred asked.

"That's a good question", Hermione said as they started to walk up to the twins' room.

"When do you think it's okay to joke about it?" Fred suddenly asked.

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Joke about what? I hope it's not what we just talked about".

"Why not? I joke about other things", Fred said and opened the door to his room when they arrived. "Like when me and George joked that I wouldn't be able to be a death eater because I have no room left on my arm for the mark".

"He was probably not as okay as you with joking about that", Hermione said and entered the room. "He might be more fine with those jokes than us, but he's probably not as on board as you think".

"How can you be so sure?" Fred asked curiously and walked in after her.

"Because it's _your _coping mechanism, not _ours _. He wants things to be normal again. Be a little careful with your jokes".

"Alright. I'll trust you on this", Fred said and sat down on his bed. He looked sad, but Hermione knew it wasn't about what she just had said.

"You should take your potion and then go down and say goodnight to him before you go to sleep", she said and he nodded.

"Yeah, I'd like that… I have been thinking, I'm the self harmer here but he is the one who will be permanently scarred. How is that fair?"

"Things aren't fair, you should know that more than anyone", Hermione answered. "But don't think about that. Be happy that he is alive and is going to be okay".

"I'll try", Fred promised. "Are you staying here for the night?"

"Do you mean in this room?" Hermione asked.

"Yes. I doubt they will get George up here tonight so his bed is available if you don't want to share. Maybe you want to take his in case you want to wait until marriage for us to sleep next to each other", Fred joked and Hermione chuckled.

"I don't appear that prudish, do I?" Hermione asked sarcastically while she walked around the room to take a proper look. "You haven't lived at home since leaving school, right?"

"Yeah", Fred said, a little absent minded. "Hopefully we can return to our own flat after the wedding. If we won't be killed by doing that, that is".

"What's on your mind?" Hermione finally asked. "I can see it in you that there is something that makes you uncomfortable". Fred chuckled like he thought she was ridiculous but she noted that he avoided to look at her. "Is it weird to _you _to share a bed?" She asked teasingly but the twitch in his face told her that she was on the right track. "Because I can take George's bed no problem if that's the case".

"No, it's… you're getting more comfortable", Fred said hesitantly.

"Isn't that what I'm supposed to be around you?" Hermione raised an eyebrow.

"Yes of course… but, you seem more comfortable with… you are not reacting the same way anymore, so are _you _ready to do… _more _?" It was clearly hard for Fred to get out the words. He wasn't vague on purpose. It didn't matter, Hermione still thought that she understood what he meant.

"I never intended for it to sound like I wanted us to do anything more than just sleeping, Fred". Hermione took a step closer to him. "I'm sorry if it sounded like I implied anything else".

"No! I mean, I didn't think you asked for anything… it's just that… I just.. _you're _ready and _I'm _not". Fred looked really small and insecure.

"And?" Hermione asked. "I knew this would happen before I agreed to be your girlfriend. I'm not asking you for anything… you don't need to be worried about that, not like I immediately want a child or anything like right now anyway".

"But what if I can't-".

"You're worrying about things you don't have to worry about yet", Hermione said. "There is no way I'm in the mood at this point in life anyway. Right now I'm just happy to see you alive and well. Let's worry about normal things when we are normal". Hermione knew that she was mostly trying to pass the subject rather than trying to truly convince Fred not to be worried. She didn't do that because she agreed with him and didn't want to tell him. She didn't think less of either him or the relationship just because he wasn't comfortable with having sex. Hermione was just tired and didn't want to talk about that right now. One man had died that night and another almost did as well… and maybe this was Fred's way of making them not think about that. A distraction.

Fred didn't look like he was any less worried but nodded; understanding. "Yeah, this isn't the time… I'll take my potion". Fred walked over to the opened bag next to his bed and dug for a few seconds before standing up straight with the bottle in his hand.

"I don't want you to think I don't care about your feelings or anything like that", Hermione said.

"I know. I shouldn't have brought this up now when my brother is literally downstairs bleeding on the couch we sat and ate on for just a few hours ago". Fred's voice cracked in the middle and he drank some of the content in the bottle he was holding before putting it down on the nightstand. He walked over to the door but paused and gave Hermione a smile. "I'll be right back. My bed is your bed… the blanket on the other hand". Hermione chuckled as Fred left to go back to the living room.

Fred walked over to the couch and knelt down. He could hear voices in the kitchen but otherwise the twins were alone. George seemed to be asleep but Fred didn't mind the silent company. The rise and fall of George's chest was comforting enough. Fred's eyes wandered back and forth between George's face and the barely covered hole on the side of his head. Despite despising his brother's injury Fred did have some sort of morbid curiosity about it. Maybe that was normal for someone who is used to that kind of things? He didn't know and he obviously wouldn't bring that up with anyone because that was fucking weird.

Fred felt his head getting heavier and heavier. He didn't want to leave but he couldn't stay there all night. It would have been easier for him if George could at least say good night. He wanted to talk to his brother so badly but waking him up would be selfish.

"Let's hope it can't get worse than this, right?" Fred said and choked a little on his chuckle. He gently traces his fingers through the part of George's hair that didn't have blood in it. "Let's hope nothing worse than a lost ear will happen, right?" He removed his han, stood up and turned around.

"Right… ", Fred heard a tiny and almost unnoticeable voice behind him. George sounded barely awake.

Fred smiled lightly before leaving the room. He didn't want to stay and keep George up.

Hermione already laid down in his bed with her back facing him when he returned but she didn't seem to be asleep yet. She was still wearing the shirt she had when she was transformed into Harry but otherwise she was just in her underpants. It made Fred glad that she trusted him enough to be undressed like that… he was also glad that he was very much attracted to what he saw. He didn't have a hard on or anything but the attraction was definitely there. At least that part of him wasn't broken

Fred removed his clothes until he was only in his trousers. He sighed and crawled into the bed behind her; wrapping his arms around her body.

"Did he put your mind at ease?" Hermione asked, sounding tired.

"He was sleepy but yeah", Fred murmured. "Goodnight Hermione".

"Goodnight Fred".

* * *

It was the night before Bill and Fleur's wedding. It felt weird to celebrate something like that at a time like this but Fred didn't complain about the distraction. It felt kind of normal for once... but only kind of.

Fred turned towards his closet where his suit was hanging with a look of disgust in his face. Why would his mother, the only woman in the world who was forced to love him, force him to wear that? Couldn't Bill have let everyone wear whatever they wanted? Fred had been rocking bed hair and barely clean shirts for a while now and everyone knew he was pulling it off.

George looked away from his own suite; he shared Fred's disgust. "Why are you disturbed by this, Fred?" George asked. "You actually have a girl to look good to in that thing, I'm just going to look weird for myself… ".

"You'll look absolutely adorable to me".

"I always look absolutely adorable", George answered. "Speaking of your girl, is everything okay between you two? You aren't hanging out as much".

"I assume we both just have a lot on our minds. I mean, she said that she had a mission with Harry and Ron eventually. I'd imagine she is planning for that".

"You assume?"

"I haven't asked her", Fred said. "It just seems like the more logical explanation. She is still looking at me the same way". Fred didn't want to bring up his insecurities again. That could wait.

"If you say so… ", George said and fell into his own thoughts.

Hermione and Fred's relationship had been a little strained since they got Harry from Private drive. Fred had expected that to happen because of the times, but he knew he was making her exhausted as well. He didn't blame her, someone like him was a handful and that's not his self-loathing talking. He wanted to let her focus on herself and the mission, and after that her parents and whatever damage the war would give her. Hopefully Fred would be able to get in touch with a psychologists when this was over so he didn't have to rely on everyone as much. Preferably the one he went to previously but he didn't know if that was possible even if Jules managed to stay alive. A lot of people would need that service later.

"You should understand how these things can put a distance between couples", Fred commented. "Isn't that why you didn't want to date Angie yet?"

"I guess", George murmured. "How do you think she is doing?"

"Better than us, I hope", Fred answered. "Not that I can know for sure. Mina and Angelina's closeness have been going up and down since she walked in on me slicing my arms".

"I… I can imagine that", George said awkwardly. He turned to look at Fred again. "How's _that _life going for you right now? Have you wasted your times today?"

"Nah. Felt like it would be a mood killer to get blood on my suite tomorrow so I haven't done anything bloody since two days ago, just to make sure. I use other, not as effective, methods instead".

"Dare I ask what? I really hope you're not withholding food or something like that".

"Nah, I didn't want to go down that road again", Fred assured. "I use other things like-". Fred raised his foot. "-putting rocks and other small painful objects in my shoes-". Fred pulled up his pant leg. Some of the skin there, that wasn't covered in scars, were red and hairless. "-using tape-". Fred lowered his leg and raised the other one, pulling that pant leg as well. There were red thin circles around his ankles that were shaped lite skin tight bracelets. "-I use rubber bands here-". He lowered that leg as well and wiggled his fingers. "-And I, today, started to rub painful things in the wounds around my nails".

"Wouldn't the nail thing count as bloody?" George asked with a sigh. He was uncomfortable but knew there was nothing he could do. At least this wasn't the worst thing Fred could have done.

"No, it's not the same thing. I have that confirmed", Fred said. "And I never said those weren't from dry hands".

"You kind of did just right now. You _confirmed _it, if you will". George looked away. "I assume you'll go back to your normal habits after the wedding".

"Yes, this is just temporary".

"Hermione doesn't know, does she?"

"Only you know. Like I'm the only one who knows about your smoking. It have to stay like this".

"Indeed", George murmured before spacing out again.

Sometimes it was difficult for Fred to know if George was worried and didn't show it as much because there was nothing he could do and telling someone would make it impossible for himself to get away with his shit… or if George was just becoming numb and apathetic to the situation. The second one didn't sound bad in a sense that Fred could feel way less guilty because he wasn't hurting him but it did worry Fred that George might start to see a fucked up behavior like this as normal. George was probably used to it to a certain degree before but now it was different. Before George was making sure that Fred wouldn't hurt himself and now he was just supposed to get over it and let it happen.

The door opened and Hermione walked in. Fred and George turned to look at her, but her eyes were only on Fred. "I want to talk to you".

George sat up straight on his bed. "If this is going to be a breakup thing I need to know in advance so I can return shortly to console him", George commented and the couple glared at him. Fred was a little offended that it sounded like comforting him was a chore or a job, but it wasn't like he could blame his brother.

"George", Hermione warned before sighing. "Can we talk in peace? .. I'll come and get you if this would turn badly".

George looked at Fred who nodded at him in return to show that he would be alright. George sighed, stood up and left the room. Hermione closed the door behind him and sat down next to Fred on his bed.

"He seems to be extra worried about you", Hermione commented.

"Yeah… ", Fred murmured. "So I understand why you didn't tell him the truth".

"The truth?"

"Yeah, that you're here to either break up with me or pause the relationship", Fred said with a sad smile. "Don't deny it".

"I'm not denying anything", Hermione said and Fred's smile probably looked a little weird because he was trying to hold back tears. "But I'm not asking for a pause for the reason you think".

"So you're not rethinking our relationship and realizing that it's too stressful right now?" Fred's voice cracked a little at the end and he looked away from her.

"I need to make sure that people aren't getting hurt because of my involvement with the mission-".

"Our family is heavily associated with Harry so I'm targeted anyway", Fred pointed out.

"I also need to keep my head on the mission and not on anyone else. Not on my parents, not on you".

Fred didn't feel offended by that because he knew by now that Hermione could be a little clumsy with her choice of words. He was curious what she meant with her parents but knew that she would shut down if he pushed that subject right now and they had other things to talk about.

"Will you care about me less if you break up with me?" Fred asked. "Because I don't think that's how it works… unless you already don't care".

"Of course I care", Hermione said and narrowed her eyes. He still didn't look at her. "But the thing is that I shouldn't. I'm stressed out and things are just going to become worse from now one".

"I still don't understand your logic", Fred confessed. "Do you still love me?"

"Of course I do", she answered in a heartbeat. Fred finally looked at her and there was no hesitation in her eyes.

"Then I accept our pause. Would you be terribly mad if I hooked up with guys while we're on a break?"

"Yes because that would mean that you lied about not being ready for sex", Hermione said. "But I guess we're technically allowed to do those things now".

"I'm not doing anything that makes either of us uncomfortable", Fred promised.

"Me too", Hermione agreed. "So I guess Ron is out of the picture?" She joked and Fred chuckled.

"Yes he definitely is. And I'll promise to not sleep with anyone… not like that's a difficult thing to promise… ".

"I promise to not do anything with anyone if you stay away from girls", Hermione said; knowing that she probably wouldn't do anything with anyone anyway. "I would become too jealous".

Fred chuckled. "That's cute… you never said anything about the guys though", Fred joked.

"That was a conscious choice of words", Hermione said. "I wouldn't mind because we, as you would say, compete in different races".

Fred looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "You realize I'm actually not gay, right? That's just me joking around".

"You joke around quite often about being with men", Hermione pointed out with a small smirk. "So some attraction might be there. Maybe you should take some time experimenting".

"You're supposed to be on my side here".

"I am on your side", Hermione said.

"I meant on my side as you _defending _me when other people think I'm gay, not on my side as you saying: you go girl, go get that dick".

Hermione burst out laughing. "You don't want me to be _supportive _?" She teased.

"The only thing you're being supportive of is your own sexual fantasies right now", Fred said and wiggled his eyebrows. "But anyway, I'll stay away from girls if you stay away from Ron and Harry".

"Now you left guys out too", Hermione pointed out with a smug grin. "And Harry too? None of the guys I'll be around? Both are off limits?" She joked.

"I can promise to keep my hands of George if that makes it better", Fred joked back and Hermione looked at him amused but slightly disgusted. "Him and every girl that isn't you. So deal?"

"So all the other boys are not off limits?"

"Shut up".

Hermione laughed. "Deal", she said. "... this doesn't feel like a breakup…. which I guess it isn't".

"Yeah", Fred agreed. "Feels more like you're trying to set us up for a threesome with a guy".

"I was just joking!"

"There is something in your eyes that tells me that you're not!"

"Stop talking about making out with guys and I'll consider taking it back!"

"I'll never stop joking about that!" Fred shot back and both laughed. Fred wanted to add that she didn't have to worry about him 'losing his virginity' with someone else but he knew that statement would most likely change the tone and subject drastically. "Do we have to stop acting like a couple right away or can be spend more time together?"

"We can third wheel George", Hermione suggested. Fred assumed she meant that she could spend the night in his bed again; something she hadn't done since George returned to the twins' bedroom when George could finally walk up the stairs again. No one would assume they would be doing anything that would risk creating another Weasley, and not just because George would be in a the same room as them.

Fred guessed that everyone assumed he was unable to do anything like that. Not a bad assumption consider that he flinched every time someone accidentally touched his lower back. Luckily his mother never mentioned him when the talk of biological children ever came up, but that could be because she was planning on bugging the soon to be newlyweds about it instead. Fred was still thankful. Not that he didn't want to have children… but the road to getting there was still out of the question and he didn't need the pressure.

"Sounds good", Fred said and wrapped his arms around her. "You probably have somewhere to be but can I just hold you for a moment?"

Hermione melted in his embrace. "Yes, of course... I can stay for a few minutes". She buried her face in his chest and wrapped her arms around him as well.

They sat there in silence until Hermione giggled when Fred's breath hit her neck. Fred smirked and blew more air to make her giggle again. He chuckled and placed a small kiss on the skin under her jaw. One kiss turned into three kisses. She smiled and moved her head to make make it more accessible for him. Quiet giggles turned into small moans as he started to suck on her neck instead.

"Wha-what are you d-DOING!" She exclaimed and pulled him off her. He was worried for a second that he had gone too far for her but the concerned look in her eyes told him that it wasn't her boundaries she was thinking about. "You aren't ready, remember?"

"I have been thinking and not _everything _is off limits. I can still touch you", Fred said and pulled her closer. "Both of us just have to say stop if it becomes too much, okay?"

Hermione hesitated before slowly nodding. "Okay". She didn't know how she felt about her not being able to touch him back, but she knew that this would make both of them feel better. Even if he would be the one doing everything.

Fred's lips were back on her neck. She groaned and grabbed his shoulders. He wrapped one arm around her lower back and pulled her closer until she was sitting on his lap. He unbuttoned the first button on her shirt and waited for a minute to see if she wanted to stop. She removed his hands but continued to unbutton her shirt herself before he would think that she didn't want him to continue.

"You don't have to be nervous", Hermione said and removed her shirt completely. She removed his face from her neck and pressed a kiss on his lips. "I'm okay with whatever". She was usually self conscious about the way she looked but those thoughts disappeared when she was with him.

She smirked at him as she unhooked her bra before he could clumsily attempt to do so instead. She hesitantly removed the piece of clothing and become both more shy and confident at the same time when he stared wide eyed at her.

"Suddenly, you are fifteen", Hermione teased and his cheeks turned red as he chuckled.

Fred then placed kisses from her collarbones down to her chest and started to suck on the most sensitive part of her breast. She moaned a little louder than before and grabbed his hair. Fred massaged her other breast gently with one hand and unzipped her pants. She wasn't exactly sure how far he was willing to take this but her mind was a little too occupied for her to dwell on it. She let go of his hair and muffled her shocked groans in the palm of her hand as he put his hand inside of her underwear and started to rub her. Not because she was loud yet, but she didn't want to risk anything just in case.

He pulled away from her just to carefully lay her down on the bed before he resumed his previous position. He removed the hand he had on her chest in order to more easily pull down her pants and underwear a little more before carefully pushing in a finger. It wasn't that painful for her but it didn't feel super pleasurable there either yet. He sucked harder on her nipple so she pressed her hand harder against her mouth to cancel out the sounds.

It became easier for him to move his finger so he pushed in another one and started to move them in and out. She finally started to feel pleasure from that and grabbed his shoulder harshly with the hand she didn't use to silence her sounds with. He started to finger her more forcefully and it didn't take long for her to come. It was a completely new sensation and and almost failed to silence the long moan she let out.

While she laid down and tried to catch her breath, he started to laugh and removed his fingers. "That was quick. I sure am lucky to be with the most easily satisfied girl in the world", he teased and wiped his fingers on the bedsheets.

Hermione glared at him and started to pull up her pants. "Quick? I highly doubt you have any experience to compare to. Besides, I am- debatably- the girl in this relationship so it's a good thing if _I'm_the one that doesn't last long".

"I'm sorry that I laughed. it's just… you know, Knowing that this removes a little pressure for the future because I don't have to be afraid that I won't be able to last". Fred laughed again. Despite his teasing, Hermione was actually really relieved. Him being happy rather than traumatized was a great sign and he would probably gain confidence from this. He even mentioned about them going further in the future without looking sad or anything like that. "But wait a minute. Why are you _debatably _the girl? I told you that I wouldn't go for the guys when you are gone!".

"Not to nit pic but you actually didn't", Hermione pointed out as she put on her bra. She would have preferred to clean herself up first but she couldn't just walk to the bathroom naked. "You haven't made a good defense against you liking men at all through this conversation".

"Because nothing I say will help my case", Fred said and handed her shirt back. She immediately started to put it on. "Are you alright? Everything I did was okay, right?"

"I would have stopped you if you overstepped a boundary", Hermione assured and kissed him. "And yeah I'm definitely okay with what happened. Not just because it felt good but also because I'm glad that you felt comfortable enough to do this… you putting a pillow on your lap just now wasn't subtle at all-". Fred looked down with red cheeks and a sheepish slime. "-Want me to be a look out for you to go and take a cold shower? Or do you want me to leave so you can take care of th-".

"I'll go for the cold shower, thanks", Fred said quickly and smiled at her. The way he answered that made Hermione start to question if he was even able to touch _himself _without freaking out. Maybe that was just her thinking of the worst case scenario, and that he just didn't feel like doing that right now. Still, the possibility was still there and it worried her. However, now was not the time to ask about that.

"I'll go and make sure that no one will see you like this", Hermione said and hugged him. "But I need the shower after you".

Fred smiled. "I'll bring clean clothes to you afterwards… what are you doing?"

"I want to make sure that you don't think that this meant nothing", Hermione said and hugged him closer. "You know, one less thing for you to worry about later".

Fred looked like he wanted to make a joke but instead closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around her in return. "Thank you", he said quietly.

They sat there for a few seconds before Fred interrupted the silence. "I love this but it's very uncomfortable right now and-".

"Yes of course!" Hermione flew up from the bed and walked over to the door. She opened it and looked around; sighing in relief because no one was there. She half expected George to be there with a smug smirk but luckily he did actually give them privacy to talk. "I'm just going to see if anyone is in the bathroom", she said to him and he nodded.

Hermione walked to the bathroom and back as quickly as she could and told Fred to hurry. He quickly flew up from the bed and ran to the bathroom and locked himself inside. She walked over to the bathroom door and slid down the wall next to it until she sat on the floor. She felt a little gross because of the bodily fluids but otherwise she had no complaints. The time waiting could have been wasting on getting new clothes instead but Fred did offer to get them for her and she didn't want to just leave him right now. It didn't feel right even if he seemed to be fine.

His mood could be a little unpredictable so he could get really sad over things that didn't seem like a big deal. She had to admit that it sometimes felt like he was overreacting but she never told him that because she knew that it wasn't his fault and those things weren't overreactions to him. Sometimes Hermione felt like a bad girlfriend when she couldn't fathom why he was sad, why he hurt himself on a otherwise good day or when she did things to avoid talking about things that made him sad. It wouldn't be good for her to never take breaks from his anguish but it didn't mean that she didn't feel bad for taking those breaks. It hadn't come up in their conversations yet but she suspected that he had started to self-harm again. She felt selfish because she didn't bring it up but now wasn't the right time for her to try to get him to stop again. As long as he didn't show signs of wanting to kill himself again; she had to stay out of it for both her and his sake. But after this was over, she was going to drag him back to st. Mungus and force him to talk to a psychologist again. If he refused she would definitely make sure that he was institutionalized or something like that. Harsh maybe but if he needed serious help then he sure was going to get it.

Hermione heard a sigh of relief from the other side of the door and chuckled. She felt really flattered that she he was attracted to her in that way. She had been wondering if maybe he wasn't feeling that sort of attraction at all because he never actually showed that sex actually was on his mind. But he was indeed attracted to her, very much so. His trauma really was the culprit for him not being able to perform and she felt bad for doubting his words.

Thinking about what they has done together brought a small smile on her face and made her temporarily forget the doubts. Even if they hadn't gone all the way, it still felt really special to her. If this counted as losing your virginity to lesbians, why wouldn't it count like losing your virginity to her? Or did both of them have to finish for it to count? Then what did this sexual encounter count as then? Half a virginity lost? No this definitely count to her so she didn't care what others would think.

The door opened and she stood up. Fred walked out of the room. "The emergency is over", he said and she laughed. "The shower is all yours". She thanked him and walked passed him into the bathroom; locking the door behind her.

Fred sighed and started to walk to Ginny's room to get Hermione some spare clothes. He knocked on the door. "Ginny, I'm getting something. Are my precious sister decent?"

"Your precious sister is wondering what you possibly need that would be in her room", Ginny answered back. "Yes I'm decent". She sighed.

Fred saw that as her saying that it was okay for him to enter. He opened the door and walked in. "Well, precious sister, my lady needs a change of clothes. She is in the shower, not what your indecent thoughts think that she is doing".

"What do you think your precious sister would think Hermione would be doing?" Ginny asked from her bed. Fred walked over to Hermione's bag. "Do you even know what a lady wears?" She teased.

"How am I supposed to know what your indecent thoughts are going", Fred answered and Ginny murmured that she wasn't a slut like he insinuated. "And of course I know what a lady wears. Always extra space for the bulge, right?" He asked and she choked on a laugh. "Yes… what a lady wears… ". He said as he went through his girlfriend's bag.

"Is Hermione really okay with this?" Ginny asked skeptically.

"Yes, I obviously asked her in advance. Do you take me for a perv, sister?" He teased and pulled out a shirt that showed a little cleavage.

Ginny scoffed. "She shouldn't have let you choose her clothes apparently".

"This isn't even that bad". "_ I have already seen more of her than this shirts shows". _"I'm trustworthy. We're one of those uncomfortably close couples".

"Uncomfortably close enough for her to trust you to not dress her up inappropriately?" She teased.

"Of course", Fred said and pulled out underwear he thought would look cute on Hermione. "We kind of jumped over the honeymoon phase and the wedding night so we have never been one of those passionate and annoying couples who just lusts after each other all the time.". _"A little bit of a lie, but well". _"-It's not like I'm perverted enough to dress her in _your _clothes. She dresses like a middle aged conservative woman compared to you". She didn't respond to that so Fred feared that he had almost pushed a button he shouldn't have pushed. "Look". Fred looked at her. "I don't actually look down on you or find you disgusting for being with different guys. Clearly someone had to get that kind of life in my stead". Fred chuckled and pulled out pants and socks before zipping up Hermione's bag again. "I'm just making fun of you because I'm your loving older brother".

"Yeah… I know", she said quietly and watched Fred as he stood up with Hermione's clothes in his arms. "Maybe you should hid her underwear a little more before leaving the room".

"Oh-yeah! That's a good idea". Fred adjusted the clothes to cover the undergarments. He walked over to the door but Ginny stopped him again.

"You know that _I _don't think that _you _are disgusting either, right?" She said.

Fred chuckled and looked at her. "Thanks for accepting me for sleeping around with guys too. I'm glad we're accepting each other".

"You know what I mean", Ginny said quietly. "Just because we never talk about what happened to you and that I'm uncomfortable with the subject doesn't it mean that I am uncomfortable with _you _or disgusted with _you. _I.. I don't want you to think that".

Fred gave her a small smile. "I never thought those things. I know it's a weird subject for us to talk about… it's weird subject for me to talk to any family member about".

"I wanted to make sure". Ginny said. "It's still good for you to hear this from me though, right?"

"Yeah, it does make me feel a little better. Thanks". Fred held the clothes with one hand while opening the door with the other.

"I'll probably be able to talk to you more about it in the future… if you ever want to talk I mean", Ginny said, a little awkwardly but her words sounded genuine.

"Thanks but you don't need to be my psychologist, you're young and have your own problems. I appreciate you wanting to be supportive but I really don't want everyone in this family to help me with my emotions instead of taking care of their own lives. You don't need to be involved in everything. Our parents, George and Hermione are already too involved already".

"What if I want to be more involved?" Ginny said dryly. "What if I don't want to be left out like a little kid?"

"Is that what this is about?" Fred asked and looked at her with a disappointed look. "You wanting to play an adult and babysit your mentally disturbed brother?"

Instead of starting an argument, like Fred had expected, Ginny calmed herself down and looked at him with sad eyes. "No, I'm sorry. Yes I do feel like I'm being treated like a child in all this but I do actually care about you. I worry about you a lot… I am the one who seem to know the least about you, even traitor Percy knew more".

"Don't say the name of the disowned brother", Fred said. Conveniently forgetting that Percy was the one who disowned them. "And yeah, I get the frustration. Look, I don't have time now to talk about my life and what not. But if you have something quick you want to ask me then go for it".

Ginny hesitated for a moment. "Do you think... that you'll either try to kill yourself again or hurt yourself? Is the voice still there?"

That wasn't a quick question, but Fred let it slide. All those three things were things that other people in the house already knew the answer to, which told Fred that she truly had been left out.

"Not at this point in time… yes and yes". He decided to be completely honest even if she looked noticeable sad by his answers. "I am planning on keeping myself alive and haven't considered to seriously take my life in years", Fred assured. "But the other two things are a little harder to get rid of".

Ginny nodded slowly and blinked a couple of times quickly. Fred knew she probably hoped that he would leave before she cried. "Will the other two things… ever disappear? And when was the last time you hurt yourself?"

"Do you really want me to an-".

"Yes, I do. I asked for this", she stated.

"Very well. I'm keeping myself from doing any damage to myself until the wedding is over but I'm going to be honest and say that it probably won't last longer than that. Three days without it is already too much". Ginny nodded but couldn't look at him anymore. "And the voice will probably never disappear but he is kind of a chill guy now. Was the one who talked me into at least waiting to hurt myself for the wedding's sake… anything else? I need to go and give my naked girlfriend her clothes".

Ginny looked like she wanted to ask more but she probably didn't trust her voice so she only shook her head. She couldn't really deny the reality of the situation now when she knew what was happening.

"Come to me another time if you have more questions… and I'll also consider your offer to come to you". Fred smiled at her one more time before he left the room and closed the door behind him. He walked away quickly before he could hear if she was crying or not. The guilt felt so bad that he wished that he hadn't told her anything, but she wanted to know and what is done is done. No turning back, but maybe she would realize now that staying out of his crazy shit was the best option.

Fred knocked on the bathroom door and Hermione wasted no time opening it. She had one towel around her body and one around her hair in a turban. "Why did you take so long?" She asked.

"I had a heart to heart with Ginny and it took it's time… besides, I also had to make sure that you had to look fabulous". He wiggled his eyebrows at her. She took the clothes, thanked him and closed the door.

"I see that you really wanted to dress me well", she commented. "Cute outfit that matches? Pervert or is it your latent attraction to men who gives you a sense of fashion?"

"None of those options sounds appealing to me so I'll just answer both", Fred responded and he heard her laugh from the other side. "Are you really trying to convince me that I'm gay even after what just happened?"

"Last time I checked it's possible for some people to be attracted to both men and women", Hermione pointed out. "Maybe I am just really aiming for that threesome", she teased and Fred jokingly said: "AHAAA!" which made her laugh again.

"Could you imagine if I just came home to my parents one day and said: you have met my girlfriend Hermione, and here is my boyfriend Bob". Hermione continued to laugh. "I'm just giving them a higher chances of getting heart attacks at this point".

"We're not having a threesome with a man named Bob".

"What if Bob have a nice d-".

"What the bloody hell are you two talking about?" George walked over to them. "So she didn't come to break up, she came to suggest the opposite? You inviting this Bob guy? Throuple?" George talked like he was aware of the fact that it probably wasn't like it seemed. Fred still wished he could have joined the conversation at a different point...

"Hermione is accusing me of liking men so I'm accusing her of wanting to sleep with me and another guy at the same time", Fred explained.

"Is that other guy nice-dick-Bob?" George asked teasingly and Fred's cheeks became a little pink of embarrassment. "So Hermione came just to tell you that you're gay?"

"She is _not _the one who is deciding people's sexualities", Fred said. "And I'll explain things to you later. The only thing you need to know is that Bob doesn't exist and I'm definitely not attracted to him".

The door opened and Hermione stepped out. "And other guys?"

"You know what? Let's just invite every guy we meet into one big pile for you, Hermione".

"Not _every _guy I hope", George said. "I'll gladly take our family and leave the country when that happens".

"Take Harry with you", Fred said. "Would be too weird if he stayed, even if he just watched".

"Maybe he should take me with them as well if you want to have this party for yourself", Hermione teased.

"Still not gay", Fred said and walked away. The other two followed him; laughing. "Not bi either", Fred added before Hermione could bring that up again.

"So you know the word for it", Hermione said and George raised an eyebrow at her. "Is that when you like both girls and guys?"

"Yes", she responded.

George looked back at Fred who had just arrived at the twin's door. "Are you sure you're not that?"

"Not you too!?" Fred exclaimed and locked himself in their room.

"You think you can escape the gay thoughts by doing this?" George said and knocked on the door. "They can still get to you in there!"

Hermione turned to George. "I'll go and see if your mom needs help with preparing dinner. I wish you good luck on getting him out", she said and disappeared down the stairs.

"Traitor!" George exclaimed before returning to knocking on the door. "Open the door, Freddie!"

"No!"

"Come out of the closet!"

"Back off my ass!"

"Literally nothing you say helps your case!"

"Can't a man joke about wanting to make out with a dude without people thinking I actually want to do that!?"

George laughed. "You joke about making out with guys too often for people not to question anything! … are you actually uncomfortable with us talking about this? Do you a_ ctually _want me to stop I mean?"

Fred was silent for a moment. "I don't know… we have dragged this joke out for a long time now". Fred unlocked the door and opened it.

"And you're sure you're not _uncomfortable _with the joke? You just don't think it's funny anymore?"

"I own a joke shop, brother". Fred grinned. "Comedy timing is a specialty".

"_ We _own a joke shop", George corrected him as they walked into their room and sat down on their beds again.

"Yes comrade", Fred said. "And you still don't get the timing correctly".

"I think walking in on you talking about a guy named Bob's dick is perfect timing", George pointed out. "But sure I'll switch subject. What did you two talk about? I assume you talked about your relationship and planned on making it stronger-".

"We paused it". Fred cut him off and George's eyes widened.

"What? You did what?"

"We paused it, took a relationship break, temporary break up… whatever you want to call it".

George looked shocked. "Wha… you spoke to each other like you were as close as you used to… are you alright?"

"Yeah. Like I mentioned, this is only temporary. We'll work on our own shit meanwhile. The reason why we got to the subject of me wanting dick is that we made a pact about which people were off limits for us while we're _single _".

"And guys were not off limits for you?"

"That was Hermione's idea!"

"Are you two actually going to be with other people while you're broken up?"

"I don't see how we would have the time, but I'm okay with her being with others", Fred answered, honestly.

George eyes him suspiciously. "Are you okay with it because you can't go the whole way with her? And you want her to still have that experience?"

Fred mentally smiled. Even if he hadn't been able to go all the way with Hermione, he was still able to do something and that really made him feel much better. It made him feel like he was doing better, considering the circumstances. He didn't get any flashbacks, froze up out of fear or anything like that. He didn't feel like shit afterwards either… he just felt like a better boyfriend and- don't laugh-_manlier. _The last part maybe sounded a bit weird but not being able to perform had made him feel a bit emasculated. Not in a way that made him feel more feminine, but in a way that made him feel less of a man. Fred knew that was stupid because he would never think that another guy in his position would be a lesser man. People are always harder against themselves.

"I guess", Fred said. "I trust her. These are stressful times so if she needs it she needs it. I won't be hooking up with anyone for obvious reasons. Can't hook up with my girlfriend, can't hook up with anyone else".

"Makes sense", George mused. "But are you really sure that you're okay?"

"I might not be later, but now I logically know that we need this".

"I appreciate that you're honest with me about this". George smiled at him. "Just come to me when you're feeling insecure or something like that about this".

"I appreciate your availability", Fred said and both chuckled. Fred was still a little adamant on telling George every time he felt bad because he didn't want to come off as manipulative again. Yes, he was still butthurt by that conversation.

**_"It's difficult to know who to trust with shit nowadays". _**

_"That's why Jules was great. He was paid, so he got something out of it. So he could be as patient with me as needed". _

**_"True, my little homo. True". _**

_"Not you too!"_

"You want us to distract each other from our bad habits until tomorrow night?" George suggested and Fred was confused. "Not fair that you go without your habit if I don't go without mine".

"That's so sweet of you", Fred said. "Keeping yourself from ruining your lungs for a day or two. What did I do to deserve a brother like this?"

"I'm off your ass if you're off mine", George said dryly.

* * *

Fred walked over to Hermione's table. She was really beautiful in her dress, but he was bias after all. He sat down and they smiled at each other.

"I hope I'm not intruding, miss Stranger", Fred said and handed her a drink. "But a single old gentleman like myself couldn't help but-".

Hermione chuckled and rolled her eyes. "We don't have to act like strangers". She took a sip. "Where is George? Sneaking off with one of Fleur's family members?"

"Him and I are both gentlemen, thank you very much. We both wait for our women".

"How sweet", Hermione said sarcastically. "How does it feel now when the oldest brother have tied the knot?"

"It's a little odd, but I'm really happy for him", Fred answered. His smile turned a little more sad. "I just wish the whole family could have been here… ".

"You want to talk about him?" Hermione said, not saying Percy's name out loud on purpose.

The sadness in Fred's face immediately disappeared. "No, of course not. It's _better _that he isn't here. Why would I care?"

"Because this might be the first time he is questioning his family… but the second time he is questioning _you _", Hermione remarked with a stern look in her eyes.

"Please not now", Fred said and looked at the dancing newlyweds instead of her. "It's their wedding day". Hermione sighed in defeat and let it go.

"I refuse to force people to wear suits on our wedding day", Fred stated.

"I think we have to be officially back together before we get engaged", Hermione commented.

"There is no law that says that we already have to be in a relationship for us to be able to get engaged", Fred pointed out. "And I'm not that arse who proposes on a wedding. It was a promise, unless we find other people or fall out of love, we'll eventually get married… at least that's the end goal I have in my head when I get into relationships… yes, I know we technically aren't in a relationship now but you get the point".

Hermione smiled warmly at him. "I see a wedding in our future too… but no suits? You can wear a dress too if you want".

"I can't say what I'll say in the future, but right now I'll say that you might be able to convince me to wear a dress", Fred said and Hermione chuckled. "Mom would throw a fit though".

"You don't think she'll be there for her lesbian daughter's wedding?"

"Wha Gin- aha you meant me". Hermione chuckled a little louder this time. "I'll look better in a dress than you".

"I think the guys will agree with you".

"So we're back to this are we".

Things escalated quickly. A patronus interrupted the festivities and Fred only managed to grasp the fact that the minister was dead before everything went down.

Death Eaters arrived within a fraction of a second and hell broke loose. The wedding turned into a battlefield as champagne glasses in everyone's hands were quickly replaced with wands. Fred and Hermione also joined in while hurrying through the tent to get to their loved ones.

Hermione saw Ron and was about to call for him when she realized something. She turned to look at Fred. "I'll miss you". She clearly wanted to say more than that but instead hoped that Fred understood everything she had squeezed into that sentence. It didn't take Fred long before he did get what she told him; _I need to leave now, I don't want to, I'll still think of you when I'm gone… I'm gonna miss you... _

"I'll miss you too", he said quickly and pushed her towards Ron's direction and ducked before a spell hit them. "Get out of here!" Fred exclaimed and she nodded before she grabbed a startled Ron's shirt and ran away.

This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. It happened too fast, no time to say goodbye or tell each other what they really needed to hear. But maybe this was for the best? A long heartfelt goodbye wouldn't make it easier, only harder, for them to part ways. Now the worst was about to come and they would have to see each other on the other side when this was all over.


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N:** Yes the chapters are a lot longer than they were in the beginning but I just wanted to be done with the story so I could leave it behind me XD

* * *

"George, are you sure you don't want to come with me?" Fred asked. "I mean, I'm thankful that you cover for me so mom doesn't know that I left but it would be funnier if you joined me and Lee on the radio show today".

The twins hadn't been able to stay in their own apartment for long after the wedding before they got threats and had to move back home again. It meant that the twins had to work from there instead to still be able to make profit and it was quite stressful. However, they still loved their business and couldn't risk losing it.

They took a break from taking orders from customers, partly because Fred was supposed to show up to the radio show. It wasn't the most important thing in the world but if it gave some people small hope then it was worth it. Plus, there might be a chance that Hermione could hear him.

They hadn't had any contact since she left with Harry and Ron and it was painful. It was bad enough that they were far away from each other without being able to communicate, but knowing that she could be in danger without him realizing was _killing _him. There wasn't anything currently that could make him feel calmer either, but if she would feel better by hearing him then that was enough for now.

George looked up at his brother from his position on the coach. "I'm pretty tired so I don't think I'll be very entertaining".

"Make sense". Fred nodded. "You lose energy faster because the hole in your head make it harder to contain".

"Exactly", George said and stood up. "I'll go and clean up the mess we made with the letters".

"No you won't".

"Yeah, I'm going to probably make the mess worse". George snickered and walked away.

Fred wondered briefly if George had added a drink or two to his cigarette intake today, but it wasn't like he had the right to judge… because he had also taken a drink or two. Not that the twins were becoming alcoholics, it was just a fun day to drink on apparently.

Looking at the clock; it was time to go. Fred decided to leave and just trust that George would stay away from the alcohol cabinet while he was gone.

* * *

Fred and Lee laughed as they put away the equipment. "I really don't know what's so funny", Fred said.

"Me neither", Lee said with a chuckle.

"Did you also have something to drink before you got here?"

"No I'm just extremely sleep deprived", Lee explained. "Gives you a weird high apparently, not that I stayed up because I wanted to. Still there is a interesting side ti it. I have had good bad ideas all day".

"My sleep deprived state is usually horrible, so unfortunately my _high _isn't as fun as yours seems to be", Fred said and sat down on the ground after he had packed away the stuff he had agreed on taking care of. "Do I dare ask what your quote _good bad _ideas are?"

Lee grinned. "I don't think you want to know all of them. But I almost did suggested, before we went on air, that we should read a love story between you-know-who and Severus Snape".

"That would be too hot for some people". Fred chuckled. "Especially because my tipsy arse and your sleepy arse would go way too far with it… while my girlfriend was listening and I don't want her first time hearing my voice in a while is me sexting you as you-know-who".

"Why would I be Snape!?"

"Because you have the same hair as him now".

"Okay Weasley, try to be in my position with the show and take regular showers". Lee sat down next to Fred; both laughing. "But in all seriousness. Girlfriend?" 

"No we aren't back together, you're right", Fred said with a sigh. "I don't know when we could have reconciled if that was the case. Just a force of habit".

"I thought so, but you still like each other so why does it matter?" Lee nudged his shoulder with an encouraging smile. "Do you think she was listening?"

"I hope she was, yes", Fred said. "At least if it wouldn't be a mood killer".

"Why would it ever be a mood killer?"

"Well… if she just rolled out of bed with a random guy… ".

"Dude stop it", Lee said seriously as Fred burst out laughing.

"That was a joke, Lee", Fred assured. "I don't think she would do that even though I did give her my blessing".

"You did? Are you a cuck?" Lee asked; half seriously and half joking.

"No I don't enjoy watching my girl have sex with other men", Fred said and half assed slapped Lee on the shoulder. "I just want her to try to enjoy her stressful time… ".

"By sucking of other dudes?" Lee asked in disbelief. "Why would she even agree to that?"

"Before you go ahead and continue accuse her of being excited about being with other men, I'm allowed to be with other people as well", Fred snapped at him. "But none of us are going to fuck other people so just drop it".

"I… I still don't understand why you both agreed to it".

"Agree and agree. We're not together so even putting up rules for each other is too much for a _broken up couple _".

"What kind of rules?" Lee asked. "No babies?"

"I don't want her to be with either Ron or Harry and he doesn't want me to be with girls… Be honest with me, do you _really _think she would go ahead and pick up guys?"

"No you're… you're right about that". Lee sounded a little defeated… then his interest peaked again. "Girls? Not guys?" Lee pointed out, amused.

"Not this again", Fred groaned. "Hermione seems convinced that I secretly want men as well so she joked that I should _experiment _while we're apart".

"Wait, what? I was just joking when I said that. You know, to lighten up the mood because we two make gay jokes all the time", Lee said a little taken aback before he burst out laughing. "That was actually part of the conversation? That you are allowed to be with guys because of the jokes you have made? Sorry mate, I can see that this annoys you but that's just priceless to me". Lee laughed harder. He was even coughing because of lack of oxygen.

"You must be truly exhausted if this makes you choke", Fred said, more amused rather than annoyed.

"Would you rather have me choke on something else? Now when you're _experimenting _?"

Fred let out a surprised laugh. "That was awfully bold of you". Fred's face turned red.

"Aw how cute. No witty comeback", Lee said in a teasing way, even if you could see that he was a little bit embarrassed about that comment as well. Fred didn't know if it was because he felt like it sounded too much for a joke or because someone with Fred's experiences might be super uncomfortable by that kind of comments. However, Fred's light mood seemed to tell Lee that he shouldn't be so worried. "So have you had any boy on boy action yet?"

"No. If I can't even have sex with my girlfriend, why would I do anything with some random guy I'm not attracted to?" Fred asked with a raised eyebrow.

"You're thinking too far", Lee said and wiggled his finger at him. "Would you ever kiss a guy?"

"Kiss?"

"Yeah. You know, either for pleasure or gay-for-pay", Lee explained. "Have you actually thought about it? No judging here. This is a judge free zone".

"Would _you _kiss a guy?" Fred rebutted. "For _pleasure _or _gay-for-pay _".

"First one, definitely not. Second one, depends on how far and for how much", Lee responded, quickly and honestly. "But I'm willing to do a lot of things these days. I'm not attracted to anything about dudes but maybe it would awaken something inside of me… or just make me more sure about only being into birds". Lee smirked.

"I…. I did not expect you to give an honest answer", Fred admitted.

"And I didn't expect you to ignore the question all together". Lee smirked. "So which is it?"

Fred was silent for a few seconds before looking at the floor with a quiet chuckle. "I don't know anymore Lee. I mean, do you think that me joking about it all the time is me just hoping that everyone think that the thought of me actually liking guys is ridiculous?"

"That's exactly what I think", Lee said. "I mean, it could just be you joking or it could be something else. You're the only one who'll know".

"I guess it's not the weirdest thing now, but… isn't it weird for _me _of all people to like guys?"

"Judging by your vocabulary in recent years, you coming out would be the most normal thing to ever happen… at least in my opinion".

"Yeah but… it's _me _".

"Yeah and _you _don't have to be immune to the gay feels just because you're _you _. I don't really understand your argument here".

Fred looked like he wanted to further explain but held himself back. Lee decided not to dig too much into that this time. "Remember that I have those good bad ideas?" Lee asked and leaned closer to him.

"Yeah?" Fred said.

"I might have one of those right now".

"Really?"

"Yeah… look". Lee seemed a little hesitant. "We both want to get rid of some confusion. Doesn't mean that we're panicking over some latent sexuality, we might just be confused by our own jokes because of the times… I'm just going to be blunt here. Want to just kiss and get this shit over with?"

Fred blinked slowly in shock. His first instinct was to make a joke but he knew that Lee was both serious and vulnerable. "Lee… ".

"I'm not in love with you. This is not an elaborate plan to get between you and Hermione", Lee assured him. "I just think we can help each other out. Wouldn't it be nice to have actual proof that you don't fancy boys?"

Fred thought it through, there was nothing to lose. He had jokingly thought about kissing him before, but that was only because Lee was like a brother to him so it was truly a funny thought and Fred didn't know many guys that he trusted… was the trust thing the actual reason as to why he didn't look at blokes that way? Because a bloke messed him up? No, couldn't be.

Fred shrugged. "Why not. It's not cheating and it could be a fun thing to laugh about later… just, let's keep it between us for now".

"Yeah", Lee said. "There are more important things for everyone else to think about anyway".

"Yeah", Fred repeated. They looked at each other awkwardly with equally awkward smiled. Both sequentially moved closer to each other. Fred decided to take the first step- as the only one of them who had been proven to be in a relationship. He placed a hand on his friend's neck and both started to laugh and look down at the ground. "This is ridiculous".

"Don't insult your gay experiment", Lee said, sounding fake hurt. "Let's just shut up and not make this more awkward than it already is".

"Yeah… ", Fred murmured with a small nod. He wanted to remind Lee that this was his idea and therefore he should be the one making a move but he didn't have to before Lee finally bit the bullet and pressed his lips against his. It was quite _different _from what Fred was used to… but he was usually kissing a girl who he really liked and not one of his best male friends.

It didn't last long. Both pulled away and looked a little thoughtful for a few seconds. Lee didn't look like he had discovered something new, rather he looked a little amused and relieved. Fred however just felt really confused. Obviously he knew for sure that he wasn't attracted to this guy because it felt almost like kissing a sibling but the experience wasn't actually bad when you removed their friendship from the equation. However, Fred couldn't tell if he was just nonchalant about kissing guys or if he actively enjoyed it.

"You look like you still have questions", Lee said with a chuckle. "Want to try again?"

"Am I supposed to be the half gay one?"

"I'm just trying to help out… maybe you should find someone who isn't this close to you?"

"Yeah. I might just be weirded out because it's you… no offence". Fred finally let go of Lee's neck.

"Mate, we both find kissing each other disgusting and none of us should be offended by that", Lee said and both chuckled. "I would rather not do this again. We need to find you another experiment for you… unless you _really _want to make out with me".

"I _really _don't want to", Fred assured him. "But how in the world am I supposed to go and find a guy when I'm neither looking to date nor hook under these circumstances? Shouldn't this wait until after the war? Or never? I have a girl waiting for me".

"And you're also confused man", Lee said. "I don't want you to stress over too many things… Might help you stop using yourself as a cutting board all the time".

"I'm… I… ", Fred stuttered. "I really don't think my sexuality is the reason why I am like this".

"That's not what I meant! I'm just… I just think that this is a good opportunity to discover yourself and maybe be a little calmer before you are tied down with a girl and fighting a war… be a stupid kid one more night, right?"

Fred sighed and smiled at him. "Right… still, remember what I told you before how hard it would actually be for me to find a guy that fits the requirements?".

"I can ask some guys I know", Lee said. "A lot of guys seems to question if they like other guys these days".

"Ah, that explains why you're pushing me to kiss guys so much", Fred said. "You have been gay match maker before".

"It's the most normal thing I have done for a while, to be honest", Lee confessed. "It isn't related to any other shit that have been going on".

_"So this is for both of our sakes… I have been in weirder situations, so why not?" _

"I won't lose anything so why not?" Fred grinned. "Can't be that hard finding a better kisser than you".

"Sod off mate", Lee said and playfully hit his arm. "I can hurry and get a curious dude now if you want to… do you have any preferences?"

"Dude I don't know", Fred said. "I didn't even know you had that many friends because you only really hung out with us".

"They are family friends… and blokes who heard that I helped their friends experimenting… is this my legacy? The bicurious hero?"

"Merlin's beard I hope this is your legacy". Fred chuckled. "So you'll just apparate away now? Really? Do you have guys waiting in a line?"

"Pretty much… it almost feels like I'm doing something illegal… ".

"You are! The radio show! Not the finding guys who kisses each other thing". Fred laughed.

Lee stood up. "Yeah you're right. Wait here and I'll get you a better experience".

"It feels like you're buying me a prostitute or something", Fred commented.

"Of course I'm not… he's the one buying you". Lee winked at him before disappearing into thin air. Fred didn't have time with a comeback before he was alone in the room.

Now when he had the time to think, this was a very impulsive and random thing. Fred had never expected that him talking shit to Lee in a radio show for Hermione to possibly hear… would escalate to him making out with several guys. Lee being the one pimping him out was unexpected as well, but if this kind of thing helped Lee Feel useful in a more normal way then Fred couldn't judge.

The thought of a random guy coming over made him nervous. Lee was probably smart enough to warn the guy about his boundaries beforehand so he didn't have to worry about his traumatic experiences paying an unwelcome visit. However, he did still feel a little excited… which should have been proof enough that he was enjoying this too much but he still wanted to make sure. A small part of him did hope that he was just a confused straight guy for a _certain _reason. But he didn't dare bring that reason up with Lee or anyone else in case they either overreacted or told him that he was ridiculous. Fred would rather wait to talk with a professional about that when things calmed down after Harry had taken care of you-know-who… him and Harry could go to the therapy sessions together after this, hand in hand.

Lee reappeared and Fred's heart started to beat faster. He hadn't turned around to look at his newly arrived friend and the unfamiliar guy yet.

"Fred, I have someone to introduce you to", Lee said, sounding a little out of breath.

"You didn't need to rush", Fred said and turned around. Half of him was glad that Lee had chosen a pretty attractive bloke. The guy looked young, tall, had very short and dark hair and had some muscles on him. The other half of Fred wasn't as thankful because he became both more nervous and excited at the same time. "But I'm not complaining".

Lee and the guy chuckled. The stranger didn't look nervous, but then again Fred probably appeared more calm than he actually was so that could be the case for him. "I like your attitude", the guy said, his voice was deeper than Fred had expected. "And I'm glad that he didn't prank me by bringing me to an ugly guy".

"Funny, I thought the same thing", Fred commented with a chuckle. "Glad we both have the same level of trust in him".

"Do you two even need the making out part anymore?" Lee asked teasingly. He didn't appreciate being the butt of their joke.

The guy turned to look at him. "That might just be a bonus at this point".

Lee looked between him and Fred and smirked. "You're making him flustered, thank you".

"I'm-I'm not flustered!" Fred exclaimed and stood up. "Stop trying to make this awkward, Lee".

Lee lifted his hands in surrender. "You're right, that's not the most productive thing to do right now". Lee beckoned for Fred to come closer and Fred obliged. "Why don't you two become a little familiar with each other before… well, before you become _familiar _with each other", Lee suggested and walked away.

The guy stepped closer to Fred and extended his hand towards him. "I'm Shane", he said and Fred took his hand. "You're Fred, right?"

"Y-yeah", Fred forced out after looking Shane in the eye.

"Are you nervous, mate?"

"A little bit, to be honest", Fred admitted shyly. "I hope you know how far I actually expected us to take this… ".

"Yes. Only kissing and no hands below the belt. No questions asked", Shane recited and Fred nodded. Fred also appreciated that Lee added the last part while recruiting a makeout buddy for Fred.

"That's right", Fred said. "So… have Lee helped you kiss a few guys already?" That might not have been the best thing to ask.

"No… only kissed one dude but not through this… _service. _Hence why I'm confused in the first place. You?"

"This is my first time using the Lee-homo-service as well". Fred chuckled. "But I don't have a crush on a guy, if that's what you're asking. Just generally confused".

Shane grinned. "Then I hope I make you less confused".

"I hope I make you less confused too", Fred shot back with an awkward chuckle. He laughed harder internally at the fact that a war was going on that got several people killed and he was about to kiss a guy. It was a morbid kind of irony. However, like Lee had said; it was something normal for once and the distraction was more than welcome. Way better distraction than cutting himself so no one should complain about this.

Thankfully Shane was more confident about the whole thing and decided to take the lead by getting so close to Fred that their chests were touching. He then placed one hand on Fred's upper back and one on under his chin to angle Fred's head upwards (because Shane was a bit taller). "Last chance to stop if you really don't want to do this", Shane said and the taller boy really had no idea how much Fred appreciated him for making sure that he was actually into it. "I won't be disappointed if you say no". The guy _really _knew how to make Fred calmer. Lee was a good matchmaker.

"Thanks but don't worry". Fred gulped. "I am all for this", Fred assured. "Don't let my nerves fool you… please just go for it".

Shane laughed and obliged. Fred was a little shocked at first but closed his eyes and returned the kiss in no time. There immediately was a huge noticeable difference between kissing Shane and kissing Lee. With Lee it felt weird and it made the whole ordeal odd, but this wasn't unpleasant at all. Frankly, Fred actually liked it. It was different from kissing a girl, which was neither a good or a bad thing. Obviously, boys didn't have the same soft skin, the same body that pressed against Fred's, the same smell, same hands or the same height. The experience didn't give him the same warm feeling that kissing Hermione gave him when he was kissing her but he suspected that was more because of the fact that he had genuine feelings for the girl. So it wasn't the difference between girls and boys, rather the difference between someone he loved and someone he didn't.

Fred placed his hands on Shane's shoulders and deepened the kiss. He opened his mouth a little to let Shane's tongue in. There was a feeling of fear in him during the whole ordeal but he knew that it was more because of himself rather than Shane. Fred hadn't had the best experiences with men in this kind of situations before.

Shane suddenly pulled away and Fred didn't complain because he had forgotten to breathe through his nose during their makeout.

"I had to put an end there because I wanted to go further. Don't worry, it's not like I need all my power to hold back from doing so", Shane explained. "But that told me enough. Obviously I can't say I'm fully straight now".

Fred couldn't help but laugh. "No I would have judged you a little if you were still confused after admitting to wanting to go further. I really appreciate that you respect my boundaries and that you don't ask… like you previously said that the terms Lee gave you were… ".

"We aren't supposed to make each other uncomfortable", Shane shrugged. "And I don't know you so I'm not going to ask a lot of invasive questions. So, back to the subject at hand. We know what I feel about this, are you still confused?"

"I… I don't think I can look my girlfriend in the eye and say that she wasn't on the right track about this with a clean conscious", Fred admitted with a little laugh and let go of Shane. "But I can sleep well at night if I tell her that I wasn't the girl in this experiment. Sleep very well in fact".

"We are guys, none of us is the girl", Shane reminded him and let go of him as well. He looked a little embarrassed that he had been holding him like that for so long. "And she might believe you as long as she don't see me… wait, girlfriend?"

"Don't get the wrong idea! We're on a break and this was actually her idea!" Fred quickly assured him. "Ask Lee if you don't believe me. She would just be amused by this and probably happy for me in a way".

"I'm… I'll choose to believe you", Shane decided. "But in case you're actually cheating, you're a piece of shit".

"I would be one, yeah. But like I said, not the issue…. what do you mean by 'as long as she doesn't see me'? You think people would automatically assume you're the man, or whatever?"

"You mean the top?" Shane asked, amused. "Fred just look at us. I'm taller, I'm the only one who is regularly working out and I'm the one taking the lead. You're not exactly screaming alpha".

"Hey-j-nhg- You got me there", Fred said and both laughed. Fred turned away a little from Shane. "Lee! You can come back!"

It didn't take long before Lee ran into the room again. He had a big shit eater grin on his face. "I don't see any disappointment in your faces. I take it that you are both satisfied?"

"With your service?" Fred asked. "Yes, but it's still weird to me that finding guys who want to kiss each other is your side business".

"Don't judge me, you used this service". Lee crossed his arms. "Are you ready to go Shane or do you want to go back for seconds? He is cuter when you don't know him well".

"I'm always cute", Fred shot back. "You just can't recognize true beauty".

Shane looked back and forth between them. "And you wonder why people would assume that I'm the top?" Shane asked Fred teasingly and Lee burst out laughing.

"Okay, Leave. You're taking their side".

"I'll take you back", Lee assured Shane when he had calmed down a bit.

"Sounds good", Shane said to him before turning back to Fred. "If I'm single in the future you know who to go to if you want to make out some more".

Fred laughed. "Sure thing. Good luck with your guy!"

"Good luck explaining this to your girlfriend when you get back together!" Shane called back before he and Lee apparated away.

Fred didn't see any reason to tell Hermione about this anytime soon. Maybe if she desperately needed a laugh, but else it could wait.

Lee came back minutes later. "Sooo. Do you also need a moment to yourself or… ".

"No I'm not… well, this is probably a little _awkward _for me to admit, but you have already gotten this deep in my privacy so why not".

"What do you mean? You already took care of business when I was gone? No shame in that".

"No! It's… I can't actually do that".

Lee's smile disappeared. "What do you mean exactly? Doesn't things work down there or-".

"Everything works fine. I'm just… I just _can't _". It was way too awkward for Fred to try to explain but the slightly horrified look on Lee's face told Fred that Lee seemed to have understood what he meant.

"Ohh, you can't without- I'm sorry for the comment". Lee looked more and more ashamed by the minute. "I guess I don't always get how much it actually affects you. I'm really, really sorry… ".

"It's alright, you didn't know", Fred assured him with an honest smile. "No need to freak out. Now you know… wait, what did you mean by 'also'... did Shane need 'alone time'?"

"No that was just a joke", Lee assured, but he answered too quickly for Fred to not be a little suspicious. "But nevermind that. I'm glad that you told me about this and I'll think about my words in the future", Lee promised. "So. Have you embraced this part of yourself now?"

"Yes but I need you to promise me to act like this never happened until I have decided to bring it up", Fred said. "This isn't the time for me to 'come out'. So joke about my sexuality as much as

you usually do but at this time in my life I'm a heterosexual man".

"You mean you're straight as long as the war is going on?" Lee asked to make sure that he knew what Fred was on about. "Because sure I will keep quiet, but you must admit how ironic it is that you're supposedly 'straight' during this time when you just did the gayest thing".

"That is truly ironic", Fred admitted with a chuckle. "But I didn't just mean the war… I meant that we have to keep quiet about this for a longer period time… ".

"Longer? What… well, of course. It's your decision. You're straight for now". Lee nodded at him. He didn't quite understand the situation but still respected Fred's decision. He could ask Fred about his reasoning another day. "Thanks for helping me clean up".

"Thanks for… the… gayness, I suppose", Fred said hesitantly and Lee chuckled.

"You're welcome. You should probably go back home before people start to worry".

"Good idea", Fred agreed. "We're not gonna be weird about this, right? Because we homo:ed up each other?"

Lee laughed harder at his friend's choice of words. "Definitely not. If I'm desperate we can even homo up each other again".

"Please no".

"Please yes", Lee teased back. "I'll hear from you later".

"Yes, you too". Fred smiled at him before apparating.

He didn't feel the need to hurt himself for the rest of the day.

* * *

Fred was the only one who wasn't surprised by George's raspy and constant coughing. In Fred's opinion it was even expected. Not because George was becoming sick, but because years of smoking do catch up with you (at least according to Fred's research). George was extremely lucky that his family wasn't as researched on cigarettes because that form of addiction wasn't as common among wizards. Hermione would have been on George's ass a lot if she had been there. Gosh Fred missed that woman…

Molly looked at George with worry in her eyes as she patted him on the back while he was having one of his coughing fits. "Are you sure you're not becoming sick, dear? This have been going on for a few days now", she asked and Fred thought that he saw a hint of guilt in his twin's eyes. Fred was probably the only one who noticed because he was the only one who knew what to look for when it came to George.

George smiled to their mom in a way that said that he was fine. "Maybe I have a small cold. Or maybe I did have and it åassed because I feel fine but a cough can stay for a really long time".

Fred couldn't help himself but make a snide comment. "Maybe it's just the war. Brings out the _bad _in all of us". For anyone else it just sounded like he was making a general comment about how horrible the war was but Fred could see in George's glare that he knew better. Fred was picking on his habit and how it had become worse.

Molly agreed with Fred's supposed sentiment and started to worriedly rant about the war. None of the twins listened to her. Fred did pretend to listen while ignoring George who was still glaring at him.

Fred started to have a small talk with Molly when she finally personally addressed him. He didn't know if she was actively choosing to not ask anything about his well being or if she just didn't think about it. Either way was fine to him. The woman was stressed enough with, for example, one of her sons being who knows where.

Fred tried his best not to think about Ron for kind of the same reason people tended to not ask him about his mental state anymore; the reality that Ron could die seemed far fetched because of denial and a lot of other things already stressed him out. Of course he cared about his little brother, but the defensive mechanism he had put a lot of effort in assured him that Ron would be just fine. Along with Hermione and Harry. That's what he had to tell himself and it was hard to feel guilty for it.

_"I'm supposed to stay alive, aren't I? Try to be morally correct constantly during a time like this. I. Fucking. dare. you". _

**_"Calm down faggot. I'm supposed to be the only voice in your head, right? Because you don't need to justify yourself to me". _**

"Are you becoming sick too?" Molly asked when she saw the far away look on Fred's face. She placed a hand on his forehead.

Fred chuckled tiredly and removed her hand gently. "No I'm just a little hungry I think", Fred lied.

"You're lucky. I'm supposed to start cooking anyway… but go and lay down just in case, alright?" Molly begged and the worry in her eyes made Fred feel guilty that he assumed that she ignored to ask about his well being previously on purpose. She was always worried about them, she was their _mother. _His mom probably just knew that he wasn't going to be completely honest with her anyway or that he would (after all this time) _come to her _when he was feeling like shit. If Fred was even a little bit hungry before, he certainly wasn't now.

Fred forced himself to smile the most genuine looking smile he could muster. "Yeah. If that makes you less worried then I'll take it easy". She smiled kindly back and he walked over to the entrance of the kitchen; accidentally stumbled into the doorway and winced when his arm came into contact with the wood. He looked back and saw that his mom had her attention on the vegetables she was preparing to chop. Unfortunately, George had noticed. They looked each other in the eyes for a few seconds but that was all it took for Fred to know that he was busted. Not busted for just self-harming of course. Fred hadn't hit his arm that hard, most of the impact was on his shoulder, but he winced like he had hit himself really hard. Fred knew that George knew that something was a _little bit _off, but it remained to see if George actually felt like he should bring it up or not.

Fred broke the eye contact first and left. He walked up the stairs and was about to go into the bathroom to inspect the damage, but then he noticed that George was coming up as well. Feeling like he was being tested and not wanting to make a big deal out of it; Fred just walked to their shared room instead.

He picked up a few letters from the ground with orders and the notebook they used to keep tabs on their products before he sat down on his bed. Might as well do some work. He recently actively tried to do most of the letter opening since Lee once sent a fake flirty letter to him to "thank him" for last time. Luckily George didn't get the chance to see it before Fred got rid of it. It was not fair to be angry at Lee because without the context only he, Fred and Shane knew what it truly was about. George would have just thought it was a out of the blue joke and besides, Fred did send a worse letter to Lee beforehand. So Fred did deserve the scare he got.

After Fred had destroyed Lee's letter, he started to wonder if it was mean of him to not tell George about this new revelation. It hadn't occurred to him previously that George might be offended that Fred kept this from him even if it was Fred's personal business. Thanks to certain incidents that had happened in Fred's life, every single thing he kept from others made him feel like he was committing a horrible act. He sent Lee a letter back and asked him about it to get a more objective opinion and Lee said that even if he thought Fred should eventually tell people he still believed that it was Fred's business only and that he should only share if he wanted to. Fred agreed.

George discreetly eyed Fred suspiciously when he entered their room and Fred pretended not to notice. A little childish, he knew. The younger twin walked over to his own bed and sat down; pretending to be busy with something that Fred didn't really pay attention to.

After a moment of silence, George finally said: "What you said before was unnecessary, you know". He sounded annoyed.

Still without looking at George, Fred responded with: "I don't agree. I helped you to keep the narrative that you wasn't sick. Just that the war was too much. That doesn't count as being all up in your business about the smoking". Fred pretty much just bullshitted all that on the spot but he agreed pretty quickly with his own words so he felt like his previous statement was justified.

George rolled his eyes. "So you were not being passive aggressive back there?"

"Passive aggressive? Did you mean _worried? _I was worried, always am but I shut up about it… but if you think that I did go too far then go ahead".

"Go ahead with what exactly?"

"Go ahead with poking in my business in turn", Fred retorted. "That's what you actually want. You're not actually that annoyed at such a vague comment".

"Is that what you're assuming?"

"Well.. fuck, sorry that I assumed that you cared more about me than your cigarettes". Fred sounded more annoyed rather than angry. He knew that his assumption wasn't wrong, George was worried but just too stubborn to admit it yet. Maybe wording his sentence like that was a little too harsh but he was really not in the mood for the bullshit right now.

Fred continued to work silently with the letters and was too much into his own angry thoughts that he hadn't realized that George had moved across the room to Fred's bed. In fact, Fred didn't notice his presence until George grabbed his arm and Fred groaned loudly in pain. George let go of him with horror written all over his face and Fred grabbed his bleeding wrist with a painful expression.

"I didn't… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to grab that hard. Shit!" George grabbed a shirt from the ground and Fred, not so gently, took it from him and held it against his wound.

"You didn't. It's just not healing properly", Fred assured and tried to not show that he was more annoyed than he appeared. Most of the annoyance was directed at himself for not having taken care of it sooner. "Might be an infection or something or just too deep for me to be able to properly tend to it".

"What? Aren't you cleaning your wounds when you're done? Or thinking at all?"

"Says the guy who is coughing up tobacco", Fred shot back coldly. "I have sent for something I can use to properly clean my wounds because it would be suspicious if I took more from the family supplies. But I need your assistance with something". George was silent; he probably didn't know what to say but he clearly didn't like the situation and was somewhat angry with Fred's actions and calmness. "I'm definitely not going to bleed out because the wound isn't located in a critical place".

"Well that's good fucking news", George spat sarcastically.

"I need you to go and get some things for me that I can't get in this state without spilling evidence everywear". George made a baffled sound. Fred knew he was holding back a laugh that was provoked by the morbid situation and Fred's wording. "I know this will sound strange but this is a legit method. I need you to steal some of mom's needles and thread-".

"What? So you're a torn up teddy bear now?"

"Take that sarcasm down a notch, young man. I'm bleeding through my favorite pyjama shirt right now. I would appreciate the help and no, I'm not going to mom for help".

"I'm sorry but I think you would prefer this instead of me screaming at you because you're a fucking idiot". Fred was taken aback by that. He hadn't expected George to be so affected and blunt about it. George had recently acted more apathetic but now it had apparently crossed a line. "And are you actually suggesting that you're capable of _sewing _on yourself!? No wait, you probably fucking _are_capable of that because you're fucked up enough. Just _look _at this, _look _at you!... It's not your shirt by the way, your favorite pj shirt is red. It's my shirt you're ruining… ".

"Well, the shirt is technically red now".

"Honestly, fuck you".

"No, go and fuck yourself! I don't bloody need this right now!" Fred exclaimed and George was visibly shocked by the out of the blue outburst. "You're being so fucking rude for no reason. If you aren't going to help me then fuck off. I'll fetch what I need when the bleeding isn't as bad. Leave me alone and smoke away your sorrows like usual, won't ya?" Fred looked away from his brother while applying pressure on his arm. He couldn't care less that he was indeed ruining George's shirt (George would have to get rid of it later to not alert their mom). George was the one who gave him the shirt and George was being a bitch. Fred knew George was most likely just extremely worried and had been holding back for so long, but he refused to take shit right now.

**_"Yes girl, finally get balls and stand up for yourself". _**

_"Been extra emasculating since the gay thing I see". _

**_"Overcompensating. Because there are a lot of new joke opportunities you can't take because you're supposed to be straight". _**

_"Oh that's right. Thanks, keep the work up girlfriend". _

**_"Don't you dare drag me into this". _**

George walked out of the room and the tension in the air immediately disappeared. Fred had a lump in his throat but he'd be damned if he cried. He really wanted to go to the bathroom and hold his arm under the stream in the sink but he couldn't go out and risk people seeing him like this. Maybe screaming at George wasn't a good idea if he really needed the help but he couldn't help himself.

The blood was slowing down but Fred had started to feel a little light headed. He used his right foot to drag George's pyjama pants towards himself as well and wrapped it around the blood soaked t-shirt. Not because he wanted to be a bigger asshole but because he couldn't reach any other suitable item and using his bedsheets would just be a huge giveaway to what had happened. Using George's shirt didn't make him feel guilty but using his pants without his permission was another story. He felt guilty and even more like shit than he did after his screaming match with George. Why did he have to walk into the damn doorway? Why did he have to accidentally cut too deep this time?

He knew the answer to the latter question; his hands had been shaking. Nightmares still appeared, nothing new. His sleep had become way worse in general because of how hard it was to get his proper medication nowadays. He refrained from telling anyone about the medication issue though. Fred had his suspicions why his nightmares was especially brutal lately, which made him refrain from talking to anyone even more.

The door opened and Fred looked up quickly; worried because he knew that he couldn't hide the situation from the person walking in. Luckily, and surprisingly, it was George again. "That was a quick smoke break", Fred stated, not wanting them to fall into an uncomfortable silence again. He hoped it didn't come of as rude or snappy in any way because he didn't have the energy to fight again.

"I see that you used more of my clothes", George commented, not really sounding angry anymore.

"Not out of spite", Fred hurried to explain. "I am just trying to stop the bleeding. I'll buy you new clothes if you don't snitch on me".

"Intending on getting rid of the evidence I see. I didn't smoke by the way… but I did plan on doing just that at first". George threw something on Fred's bed. "You want to move to the bathroom?"

It took a moment for Fred to realize that George had gotten exactly what Fred had asked for; thread and a needle. He did ask for more than one needle but George might have just assumed that he misspoke or something. However, Fred wasn't going to nit pick. He instead nodded at George. "Yes, can you be a look out? I don't want anyone to see me like this". Fred didn't look George in the face so he couldn't tell if George was still annoyed or had calmed down.

"Yes, I can do that", George said and opened the door. He looked around before telling Fred that it was okay to go now. Fred put the needle and thread in his pocket before quickly grabbing his arm again. Then he carefully stood up and walked past George, through the hallway and into the bathroom. He locked the door behind him and walked to the sink.

After throwing the shirt he had used as a bandage in the bin and holding his arm under the stream of water for a few minutes he wrapped the still clean (ish) part of the pyjama pants around his arm and put the needle and the thread next to the sink. He doubted that it was exactly what he was supposed to use but he digressed. Both needle and thread was probably too thick and it could cause more damage if he didn't shove the needle through enough skin. It wasn't like he had much of a choice. For some reason this creeped him out more than self-harming did, and he had been pretty_creative _on that part. Maybe it was something about the needle that made him uncomfortable. However, he knew that he was still able to go with through it.

The words _'this is a stupid idea' _were repeated in his head over and over again. He decided to clean the needle with soap and water. Alcohol would have been a better option but he didn't have any yet and didn't dare to waste any more of his parent's ointments and such. Fred cut a long string of pink (George decided to be a little funny, Fred assumed) thread, putting it through the needle and started to unwrap his makeshift bandage. The bleeding wasn't as bad anymore but the hole was gaping too much for him to just leave it alone and hope it heals somewhat decently.

It didn't go perfectly. Fred managed to onöy tear right through the skin the first couple of times, which caused a little more bleeding and he started to feel stupid about the whole situation. When he started to dig in a little deeper and further away from the lips of the wound it started to get better. It sure stung a lot and he was freaked out by the fact that those materials where either going through or soon becoming a part of his body. It didn't give him the same feelings self-harm did, not at all. Or maybe that wasn't completely true, the shame was still very much present but the cause of it was at least different. Now he truly felt that he was truly fucked up to be able to do this shit. George was right, he was so far gone at this point.

It was times like this that Fred just wished that he could go to bed, fall into a dreamless sleep and just wake up when things were better. If only there was an easy solution to stop being a freak.

One last time, Fred pushed the needle slowly though the layers of skin in his arm; the thread burned slightly when it followed the trail that the needle just went and a few drops of blood erupted from the new wounds. He then removed the needle from the thread, tied the thread safely in place and cut off the excess. The handiwork wasn't impressive at all; it looked really ugly and there was a tiny beads of blood coming from the new holes he had made in favor of sewing in his arm. It was still much better than before so Fred couldn't complain too much. He threw the pants he had previously used in the bin like he had previously done with the shirt and at first he covered the clothes with layers of toilet paper but decided just to tie up the almost filled trash bag when the blood from the clothes just bled through the paper. He then washed off his arm with water again, took more toilet paper and wrapped a few layers around it. Then he put the needle and thread back in his pocket, picked up the trash bag and walked out of the room and down the stairs to throw it out.

Unfortunately he just had to walk past his father. "It's not often I see you do any chores without being told to", Arthur commented. "Thank you".

"I have lived in my own house so I had to learn how to do things without being asked to", Fred answered back with a small smile.

Ginny came up behind him from the kitchen. She eyed the bag suspiciously. "I was in the bathroom not long ago and it wasn't this full", she said, a little bit accusingly. Fred and her hadn't had any deep conversations since their last one but she had started to hover over him like the others and clearly acted more on guard. He couldn't blame her.

"A nasty nosebleed can waste a lot of toilet paper", Fred answered and was damn proud of himself for being that quick with a halfway and decently believable lie.

"Nosebleed?" Arthur repeated. "What happened?"

_Shit. _"I... wasn't _gracious _enough when I left the bed… please don't make me specify, I hoped to _not _have to explain this embarrassment".

Arthur patted him on the shoulder and walked past him. Ginny looked like she barely accepted his excuse but stayed long enough to show that she was there if he wanted to talk before she also left. Fred sighed in relief and went out with the trash before hurrying back up the stairs and into his room again.

If George said anything Fred didn't notice because he was too exhausted. Instead Fred walked past him (if he was even still in the room, it wasn't like Fred actually paid attention) and crawled underneath his blanket. It might have looked ridiculous but he wanted to feel alone even with someone in the room. He didn't want to talk to anyone, he didn't want to move. Neither did he necessarily want to sleep. He just wanted to lay there and rest. Unfortunately, the rest of the world hadn't agreed on his plans.

"Did it go well?" George asked and Fred didn't answer.

_ "Of course it did. I didn't bleed everywhere when I came in, did I?" _

"Does it hurt much? Did you actually get an infection?" The man didn't give up.

_"It hurts a lot, my arm is pulsating. No it might not be infected after all but who the hell bloody cares? Will you please just scream at me again and then leave me alone?" _

"Do you need anything? Any meds you need to take or water or something? Maybe something sweet to combat possible lightheadedness because of blood loss?" George did sound sincere and Fred really didn't want to be an asshole and to just answer him before things escalated again but he didn't have energy.

Fred wasn't stupid, he knew that this was his mental state telling him that he definitely wasn't fine up there. This wasn't any normal tiredness, but it sure was familiar. Luckily, he wasn't a lost teenager anymore or anything could have pushed him over the edge. It still wasn't a good sign though. It was a very, _very _bad sign.

"I'm sorry for how I reacted earlier" George finally said. It felt nice to hear that George wasn't going to talk like the argument never happened anymore. Fred didn't just want to put it behind them in a way that suggested like nothing happened. This whole _'I won't get into your business if you don't get into mine' _-thing didn't work anymore and they needed to talk about it. "Haven't smoked today because I haven't gotten the chance… I'm not saying that you should forgive me on that basis of course. I should still control myself. I am worried about you… Please talk to me. You might as well say something because I'm not leaving the room until you do". Fred felt the bed cave in next to his stomach, which meant that George had now sat down on his bed. "Can I at least get any sign that you're not slowly bleeding to death under there?"

_"Dramatic". _

Fred poked his arm out from under the blanket; the very same arm he has just sewed on of course. The toilet paper was still covering the wound but Fred couldn't bother unwrapping it. He heard George chuckle humorlessly as a hand carefully wrapped itself around his own hand. A rather unexpected move. Fred had just assumed that he would just take a quick look at his arm and not hold his hand. "This wasn't quite what I meant but at least I got some sort of response… you probably need a proper bandage over that but the bleeding isn't that bad so I assume your handiwork was good enough. How tired are you?"

_"Why do you keep asking that?"_

"I'll be right back". George let go off Fred and Fred heard him walk away, open the door and leave. Fred though it was a little funny that George didn't stay after saying that he wouldn't leave before Fred talked… he was also a little disappointed.

It didn't take long before George returned. Fred heard something made of glass being put down on his nightstand before hands were feeling around under his blanket until one of them caught his upper arm and pulled. Fred groaned in return but didn't do much to fight against his brother.

When George had pulled out Fred's face and right arm he put both his arms under Fred's armpits and pulled his whole upper body into the light. Fred groaned again and closed his eyes.

_"When did the light in the room get so bright!?"_

George forced him to sit upright and propped him up against the wall. "Here", George ordered and Fred opened his eyes. George was holding a glass of pumpkin juice in front of him.

"I just want to sleep", Fred said (whined) but George just shook his head.

"You bled through a shirt and a pair of pants. You need this", George insisted and forced the glass into Fred's hands. Fred murmured a tired "Fine" (or he think he did, might have just thought it) before starting to drink the sugary drink.

It didn't take long for him to actually feel a lot better. He was surprised; he just felt like absolute shit and just needed juice?

**_"You are exhausted because of blood loss, your fucking idiot. Not because of an out of the blue mental relapse". _**

_"That actually makes sense and it makes me feel relieved…. why didn't you tell me beforehand?" _

**_"... I was tired because of blood loss as well, remember?" _**

_"Ah yeah. Sorry". _

"Are you feeling better?" George asked carefully and sat down next to Fred. "Or do you need more?"

"No I'm alright… thanks", Fred murmured with his eyes on the almost empty glass in his hands.

"So you can talk?" George teased. "That's a good sign".

"I guess… we should talk, shouldn't we?"

"Yeah". George sighed. "I'll be the one who talks the most because I can see that you still lack energy. Just answer me as thorough as you can. We are worried about each other".

"Yes", Fred agreed.

"And this deal we have isn't working because of that".

"I agree".

"So we might have to rethink this".

"... I… I guess".

"I know it's hard as fuck", George said. "But I don't want this to become a habit. One time cutting deep enough so you have you sew is bad enough".

"I never planned on making _this _into a daily occurrence".

"Was it a planned occurrence at all?"

"No…".

"So what I said still stands. It can happen again. You hurt yourself worse and worse because what you normally do isn't enough anymore".

"Just like you? With the smoking?"

"... Just like me". They were silent for a few minutes.

"What are we supposed to do?" Fred asked. "Because I agree that something has to be done but none of us want to bloody change".

"Doesn't mean that it's hopeless… you're a living proof of that".

Fred finally looked at George, this time with a frown. George was looking down as well. "Don't make be unintentionally laugh George. I am just as pathetic as you when it comes to addiction".

"You were fine when you got the help that you needed and you had actually improved a lot despite falling back into old habits… I think you can be fine again… I think _I _can be fine again as well, but we need to support each other instead of letting each other hurt ourselves".

"It's gonna be even harder now when we have much more to stress about, you know".

"I know, but we have better things to look forward to… like the girls. Angelina and Hermione will see that we have fucked up but maybe they don't have to see us _continue _to fuck up. We are both in a worse state of mind in general because of this shit. How are we supposed to handle any shit that will come our way if we can't even cope properly?"

George was completely right of course. Going on like this was not an option. This had been a horrible idea from the start.

Fred sighed. "Taking it slowly seems like a good start. Maybe for one week we'll only do one fuck up a day and after that we try to fuck up less… and after that we find each other if we ever get the urge… sounds reasonable?"

"I guess but will the same plan work for the both of us?" George asked sceptically and looked back at Fred. "Withdrawal works differently, doesn't it? And the reasons for our addictions are different as well? Like the part when we have to use our copic mechanism less and less makes sense for my habit while the part about talking about emotional turmoil instead of acting upon the urge make sense for your habit. Self-harm is a habit you're supposed to just stop doing and I don't think talking will stop my body from wanting nicotine".

"I know you deep down don't believe my self-harming is just as bad as a _proper _addiction". Fred rolled his eyes. "But I can't 'just stop doing it'. It's more than a copic mechanism at this point. It actually releases endorphins in my body, just like your smokes do to you".

"I never said any of that", George said and crossed his arms. "I believe that it's a hard habit to break. I just worded it in a stupid way".

"You think your habit is harder to break- don't deny it! Anyway, I won't be able to stop unless I take it slowly. Just like you. Maybe talking about your feelings isn't going to help you but maybe I can help to distract you when you're becoming stressed… not in the same way I'm keeping you from smoking right now of course". Fred chuckled.

George chuckled as well. "Yeah I hoped this wasn't what you had in mind", he remarked sarcastically. "But you have a point… about the _other _things you said, obviously. We need to help each other and take things slowly".

"Yeah… boy I don't look forward to this".

"... Me neither", George agreed and both chuckled again. "So one smoke break a day… ".

"And one blood spilling occurance a day as well", Fred added, putting effort into making it sound a little less bad than it was to not sound too dramatic…. but maybe 'blood spilling occurrence' was a bit too dramatic as well.

"Should we make another pact that the person who breaks that 'once a day' rule will be locked this a room for a whole day?"

"Like cold turkey?"

"Yeah I think so".

"I think you assume I will be the one to fuck up… you know, the dude who have sometimes gone one whole day or two without hurting himself".

That seemed to surprise Georgea little, but he quickly looked sceptical instead. "Are you talking about the time around the wedding?"

"Not only. I have had better days sometimes. I'm not like you, I am not doing this kind of thing at every opportunity I get. If I can get by without it I try to avoid hurting myself", Fred explained with a shrug.

George seemed very happy to hear about that. "Really? I'm glad to hear that you're able to do that". George had a bright smile on his face. "That increases my hope for you".

"Thanks but this should also be proof enough that you are the one who would be forced to pretend to be sick so I can lock you in our room for a whole day".

"No, it just means that I have to work hard". George rolled his eyes. "Doesn't mean that I'm just going to cave in just because you don't cave in as easily".

"You sure? I mean, I definitely believe that you will be able to stop smoking but it sounds like it will be difficult".

"It's not that bad! I won't actually need the cold turkey method… ".

* * *

"It's worrying how many times George have become sick lately", Molly commented as she and Fred (against his will) were cleaning the table after dinner. Unfortunately, Fred was the last one who finished eating and that's why he was actually made to help out. Not because of the goodness of his heart or anything like that.

Fred did his best to hide his smirk. "You shouldn't be too worried. He is probably not resting enough when he gets sick so he just gets himself sick again. Him and I are working hard on our business even now".

Molly stopped what she was doing and walked closer to him. "I am really proud of you two, you know. I should have trusted you more beforehand… I'm glad that you manage to provide for yourselves while doing something you both love doing". She went back to what she was doing and Fred just stood there, flabbergasted. "I can take it from here. Go and check on your brother".

"Um… yeah, thanks - for what you said! I appreciate it and I think George will too". Fred passed by Molly to leave the kitchen when she gently grabbed his arm. He knew that she could definitely feel the odd texture his skin had.

"It's okay for you to ask for help now as well, you know", She said kindly with a bittersweet smile. Fred was terrified that she would lift his sleeve and not only see the normal disgusting scars but also see the fuck up he had gotten from when he had to sew on his arm. He hadn't removed the stitches yet and feared that they were well on their way of becoming a permanent part of his body. A deeply uncomfortable thought but what was he supposed to do if he removed them too early and started to bleed again? "But I know that maybe your mother isn't the ideal person to go to". She sounded really sad and Fred felt really guilty. "You are talking to someone, right? I don't want you to feel alone again". Fred made a small choking sound and looked away to blink away tears. From the outside it might have looked like a overreaction but it really wasn't. He had convinced himself fully that he shouldn't talk about his issues now and felt incredible guilty every time he did say anything. He also felt guilty because he had relapsed several times and he knew that she suspected that he had.

_"Please don't look at it, mom. If you cry then I'll cry". _

To his surprise, Molly let go off him. "I trust you to make good decisions. But I am here if you need anything". Fred swallowed and nodded at her and she smiled at him again before he left. He had wanted to say something back even if he knew that his reaction was enough for her to understand. Saying nothing at all felt wrong but he literally couldn't get any words out without possibly crying.

Before returning to his room, he went to the bathroom and washed his face a couple of times. He didn't leave the bathroom until he looked somewhat normal again.

When Fred entered the twins' room again, George looked up at him from his own bed with his arms crossed and a pout on his face.

"Don't look at me like that", Fred said. "This was your idea and you were the one fucking up".

"Once a day doesn't work so well for a smoker!" George whined.

"Don't be dramatic, you smoke like five cigarettes a day still". George had a sheepish look on his face. "You'll get used to this after a while. Remember, you'll be super proud when you don't smoke anymore. Just think about that".

"I'm trying to, but it's not always that easy".

"Believe me, I know. But I'll be there when it gets hard. You know that, right?"

"Here to lock me in my own room, yeah I know". Fred hit George in the face with his own pillow.

* * *

Fred woke up in the middle of the night. Not the first time and not for a new reason. He felt like complete and utter shit. His mind was in a dark place and he was constantly going back and forth between just handling it himself or waking his brother up. Disturbing someone's sleep wasn't an appealing thought at all, especially if it was for nothing. Fred didn't even know what kind of help he wanted… or maybe he did but wasn't sure that it was the support he was going to get and if George was going to understand. Okay, correction; Fred knew exactly what George had to do to _not _make the situation _worse _but he didn't know what George had to do to make it _better _. Yes, that sounded like a much better description of the situation.

Fred sat up in his bed, pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. Could he fall asleep again? Could he stay awake but not do anything stupid? He almost wanted to sit in a cold shower again but he assumed George wouldn't appreciate that. George might even be able to convince Fred that it could be considered self-harm because staying up all night in cold water isn't exactly good for your body. Did it count as harming his body though? Even if he didn't do the shower thing again, forcing yourself to stay awake like this couldn't be good for you. Was this good enough reason to disturb George? Even if there was a chance that George would be too tired to understand the situation? Yes, the question was yes. George would want him to tell him when he was in distress like this. However, Fred didn't know how to wake him up without getting too close. It wasn't like he was too lazy to leave the bed, it had more to do with where his mind were.

After a few minutes of arguing internally about what he was supposed to do he finally made up his mind when he realized that he was only going to become more and more impulsive if he stayed awake. Which would make him more vulnerable and there generally were more pros if he just got help from George.

**_"George would benefit from that as well". _**

_"By becoming sleep-deprived just like me?" _

**_"How does it make you feel when you help him quit smoking?"_**

_"Well… a little guilty because he's clearly in pain when it comes to his addiction". _

**_"Yeah, 'a little'. Not what I was asking for. What are the 'stronger' feelings you are feeling when you're helping him?"_**

_"I feel… trusted and needed". _

**_"Exactly". _**

_"And I… and I focus more on his problems than mine in a healthier way and… feel like I don't need to hurt as much". _

**_"Ding-ding-ding-ding-DING!"_**

Fred knew there was no way that he could wake George up without annoying him… mostly because he would have to throw something at George from his position. Hopefully, Fred could explain shit quickly enough for George to realize what was going on.

He looked around his bedside until he saw a sock on the floor and picked it up. His movements were stiff like his muscles were either numb or had turned into stone. It both made sense to Fred to feel that way and didn't make sense at all. His body was clearly in a state of panic but his mind was more rational than it should have been. Was this what dissociating felt like or was he just much less rational than he thought?

Fred made the sock into a ball for better aim and good impact before throwing it at George's face; not hard enough to accidentally hurt the guy but at least hard enough for George to just not shrug it off and go back to sleep. When the sock hit George, Fred was at first afraid that he didn't hit him hard enough because it didn't look like he was that bothered, but George did actually start to blink several times and sat up slowly.

"Wha-whatrre u…", George murmured. He looked annoyed, really annoyed, which was not good.

"I-I'm, I-Im sorry". Fred surprised himself when he stuttered. Apparently, his movements weren't the only thing affected, he could barely speak and was for some reason really scared for no reason. Even if George became so annoyed that he just went back to sleep, it's not like they would become enemies later on or something like that. Still, Fred was probably not as rational as he had assumed after all because he was afraid and he couldn't lean on the fact that George would be awake enough to pick up on the clues. "I'm just.. I'm just… ". And Fred didn't know how to explain himself or what he needed. He didn't know if it was because he was panicking too much or because he didn't know how to word it in a way that conveyed that he needed support but that it wasn't life or death. Probably both, together.

George's face was still scrunched up with his eyes barely open. It didn't look like he was any wiser. "It's late Fred. Is this a bad prank?" George groaned and Fred violently shook his head because he didn't trust his own voice.

Fred made a few more pathetic attempts to try to make George understand what was going on but he couldn't produce any coherent sentence. He was about to just give up, tell George to go back to sleep and just keep himself up all night again when George suddenly looked a little more awake and seemed to have realized what Fred was trying to tell him.

"Bad dream? Like _really _bad?" George asked, making sure that Fred knew that he wasn't just asking about any _ordinary _kind of dream. Fred nodded. "You can't go back to sleep yet, right?" This time Fred shook his head instead. "You need to calm down first? Are you feeling really bad right now?" Another nod. "You want me to come over?" This time Fred was shaking his head so violently that his neck hurt and his eyes were wider. Fred saw different emotions play over George's face. First there was confusion, then uncertainty and then hurt. Fred felt guilty in return.

It wasn't personal, Fred just couldn't stand anyone being close to him right now without freaking out more. Especially a _certain _kind of people. This was was a state he had been in many times before but only recently did he realize that the "hugging someone until they are calm again" method didn't suit everyone all the time. However, he didn't want to hurt people's feelings because of the fact that he didn't want to touch them… maybe if he had just told people that beforehand it wouldn't be as weird…

**_"I'm glad you managed to figure that one out without my help". _**

Thankfully, George seemed to drop his feelings of rejection pretty quickly for a easily annoyed and tired mess. "Oh, it's alright. Is it because of your dream and because I'm a-".

"Guy. Y-yeah", Fred confirmed with an internal sigh of relief. Hopefully George would leave it at that.

It wasn't like Fred thought that George would hurt him or something like that but his body just had a really bad reaction to guys in general when he was like this. Which was probably the main reason Fred never would be able to be in a relationship with a man (if Hermione ever broke up with him… officially this time). Which was something that put him down because he didn't want something to be so debilitating in such an intimate and personal part of his life. Thankfully it wasn't as bad as it would have been thanks to the fact that he was in love with a wonderful _woman _who loved him back… and he could put all his focus on the intimate problems there instead.

George sat up straight and leaned his head on his hand. "Did I ever tell you that Fleur sucker punched a death eater on her wedding day?"

Fred's ears perked up at that. "Is that - is that". Fred took a deep breath. "Is that actually something that happened… or is it just something your tired ass would think is hilarious. Her in her wedding dress beating up death eaters is a quite funny image, I must say".

"No it actually happened!" George assured. "She is not body builder so it wasn't the hardest punch imaginable, but she was super pissed that they ruined her day and it was glorious. Obviously she had to pick up her wand and fight of the rest that way".

Fred chuckled. "Are you reeeeeally sure that this wasn't just part of a dream?"

"Our dear brother, the groom, can back me up on this. I solemnly swear".

"Don't use that line in vain".

"I'm sorry I have sinned".

"The muggles say 'father' after they apologize for sinning", Fred told him and got a half disgusted face in return.

"No way, why would that be?"

"Because they call the dude they confess to father?" It sounded more like Fred was asking rather than answering. "I don't have a better explanation".

"Do they all have issues with their dads?"

"I don't know. Probably. Ask Mione. Point is, you still said it the wrong way".

"Sorry. I meant to say: _'I'm sorry for being bad, daddy' _. There, much better? Take it or leave it".

"I'm just going to accept this because I don't want to risk you going further with this… ". Fred just now realized that he didn't seem to have issues talking anymore.

"You have too much faith in me. I'm too exhausted to be creative". George interrupted his thoughts.

"No, apparently you're more sexually desperate when you're exhausted instead… ".

"What do you mean?"

"Have you already forgotten? _I'm sorry for being bad daddy. _Did you want me to spank you or what?"

"Ugh it sounds weird to hear it back", George shivered over dramatically. "And no, my ass is for my future girl only".

"So you're into getting pegged then?" Fred teased.

"I'm not sure that I remember what that was. But consider my wording before, I can guess what that means… ".

"Y'all accuse me of homosexual urges and then come out with things like that".

"I don't think pegging would count as a homosexual urge if it's only with a woman", George suggested but his face quickly showed how much he immediately regretted saying that. Fred grinned. "I was just trying to point out that you are still the gay guy no matter wha-".

"You were pretty quick on defending pegg-enthusiasts there", Fred said smugly. Even if he did agree with George's statement about it not necessarily being guy, he intended on milking this. "Is this you coming out as a part of that group?"

George was awake enough to be smart about his next move… but it his words were a last minute decision though. "Mom, dad… I'm coming out as someone who like that my girlfriend use a fake dick with me".

"Oh my son!" Fred cried out in a fake girl voice. "I'm so proud that you trusted us enough to tell us about your sexual activities!" Fred cleared his voice and made it sound deeper to imitate the father this time. "Son, I am disappointed in you. No son of mine will stick something up where the son doesn't shine. This is a jerking-out-with-your-dude-friend-while-you have-awkward-eyecontact kind of family. N-nothing else!" Fred's voice cracked at the end because he only barely managed to say all that before he burst out laughing.

George gave a shocked kind of laughter before he started to burst as well. "Wait, what?" He said and continued to laugh. He wasn't in character anymore. Fred didn't give up on his own character though and continued to make the "father voice" while he could barely contain his laughter: "Th-thats right son! The only penis shaped things for us belongs to the dude next to you beating his meat. No homolos here".

"No homourasioises here", George said with the same voice. "We can't even say the name of those people! That's how straight we are. Just ask Jeff here who I'm currently having a jerk off race with".

"You're probably very ashamed right now of your ways, son!" Both continued to laugh and it became harder to breathe. George sounded like he was choking at this point and Fred had tears in his eyes. It probably wasn't as fun as they thought it was but they were really sleepy at this point. Not that it mattered. Fred felt much more relaxed now despite a little weird feeling within that erupted from the subject of the conversation. George would most likely accept him if he came out but It still felt weird joking about sexuality when George didn't know about that part about him. Not a big worry of his though so nothing worth concerning over.

They both calmed down and heaved for a few seconds before George gave a small chuckle. "We went from not being able to really talk about sex to _this _", he pointed out.

"We also went from talking about Fleur punching death eaters to _this _as well. Which is what I _thought _you were going to say, but your realization is much more touching… albeit in a weird way".

"Well yeah. It's nicer to be able to joke about these kind of things in greater detail now without feeling really weird about it".

"Yep I agree… thanks by the way. This have been really helpful".

"Are you ready to go back to sleep?" George asked carefully.

"Not as ready as you clearly are but I won't keep myself awake. You can go back to sleep now".

George hesitated. He was clearly still very tired but he wanted to make sure that it wouldn't be bad if he fell asleep too soon. "Are you sure?"

"I am. We'll talk more in the morning. The urge to do something stupid is gone for now", Fred assured and George smiled at him before yawning.

"That's good. Wake me up if things are bad again". They told each other goodnight before they laid down and turned away from each other.

Fred could tell that it didn't take too long for George to fall asleep. He couldn't blame the guy. Unlike Fred George actually had a body with a working "sleep system" (or whatever to call it). It sometime amazed Fred that other people could just lay down for a few minutes, close their eyes and fall asleep while not being terrified of bad dreams. After all, Fred was someone who needed help falling asleep and have a dreamless sleep. Even dreams were something that Fred couldn't take for granted. Not when he could risk giving his PTSD room to play. Sometimes he felt jealous because other people could have good dreams but tonight wasn't one of those times.

Fred turned towards George with a thankful smile. His twin really had been able to soothe a lot of his anxiety for at least the moment. George has realized, despite being extremely tired, that Fred just needed him to distract him and not start to comfort him and talk about his dream. That conversation could be saved to another time when Fred wasn't as freaked out and emotional (or when George wasn't about to fall asleep). The fact that the younger twin could fall asleep so quickly made Fred feel way less guilty about waking him up too so this was a good situation.

He was starting to get tired and some of the fear surfaced again. Fred closed his eyes and repeated a mantra in his head:

_"I'm safe, I'm home, I'm with good people, he is not here, he can't get to me... I'm safe, I'm home, I'm with good people, he is not here, he can't get to me… I'm safe, I'm home, I'm with good people, he is not here, he can't get to me… ". _

**_"You'll always be safe from him, you are home with good people, he will never know where you are and he'll never be able to get to you"._**

* * *

George thanked Fred the morning after Fred had woken him up in the middle of the night. Fred was visible confused and for a moment feared that George didn't quite remember what had actually happened. Luckily George realized how confusing it was and explained.

"I meant 'thanks' like 'thanks for trusting me and letting me help you'. Much better choice than sitting in a bathroom under cold water, don't you think?" The last part was him teasing but Fred didn't miss the sincerity in his words.

"So you want me to keep disturbing your sleep?"

"If you feel like you need to… because it did help, right?"

Fred smiled. "It did help. I'm very thankful".

"Thankful enough to _not _keep me locked in this room all day?"

"That was your idea! Your rules! … wait, you broke the rules again!? When!?"

George burst out laughing. "I'm just messing with you!" George assured. "So calm your a-cups". Fred did feel more relieved at that than he had expected.

"How dare you call them a-cups? And how dare you trick me like that?"

George chuckled. "I'm glad you got your priorities straight there".

"At least that's straight", Fred murmured before thinking. Luckily, George didn't seem to quite catch that.

"Huh?"

"I said damn straight", Fred said, a little louder.

"Sounds about what I thought you said", George mused. "But remember, waking me up when you really need to talk is good. I'll be there when it gets hard. You know that, right?"

"Mimicking my words I see". Fred smirked. "But yeah, of course I know".

* * *

Avoiding your cravings sure wasn't easy. George didn't have to be locked in their room anymore, but it took _weeks _before he managed to drop a lot of his urges. Fred had never been locked up but unfortunately him holding himself back had resulted in him having to stitch himself up more than once. Those times would result in the ugliest scars yet but Fred had no one to impress so he didn't worry about it too much at the moment.

This last week, Fred had managed to not harm himself at all and George has stuck to holding himself away from his cigarettes for as long as possible. One week completely clean, to which they did celebrate with a bottle of fire whiskey and puked the next day. It was a bad decision and they made everyone worried. But it was worth it and they both found it hilarious (in a albeit morbid way). No one knew why they decided to empty an entire bottle between just them. Everyone probably just assumed that it was because of another _special _reason. Sure it was a good reason to celebrate on some level but not like the twins did when they celebrated being one week clean. They had gotten word that Harry, Ron and Hermione had gotten to Hogsmeade and possibly Hogwarts. That was the first good news in so long. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from Fred's shoulders now when he knew that they were definitely alive (and somewhat safe). Maybe he could even get a chance to meet Hermione! The thought exited him.

**_"Now you really can't fuck up. You can't hurt yourself before you meet her. It's bad enough that you're just one week clean… don't be mistaken, it's a good thing to celebrate but I don't think Hermione will see it that way. At least not at first". _**

_"I won't be completely honest with her. I still think that making her worried about me is a horrible decision. Not what she needs right now". _

**_"You're going to make it worse for the future but I'm completely for your decision". _**

_"Yeah I kind of have to pick my poison here". _

**_"And if it's not working out, you can always call Shane and hope that it didn't work out with that guy he liked"._**

_"I'm starting to think that you're the manifestation of my my impulsive homoerotic urges. Because you sure tease me a lot about this"._

**_"It's really not that deep mate, I just like to tease you". _**

_"Yeah, I know". _

* * *

It felt like everything just stopped existing around him. He forgot where he was, he forgot what he had planned to say, he forgot what he was supposed to do and what was actually happening. When Fred's eyes stared into Hermione's, he forgot everything but his own present emotions. The anguish he had experienced and tried to hold back before was resurfacing among the current thoughts that came up:

_"Is she alright? Is she going to be alright? She looks really worn out! I probably do too. Did she miss me as much as I missed her? Is she happy to see me?" _

Fred tried to walk over to her but accidentally stumbled over something and fell. Luckily someone caught him. He would have assumed that it was George if it weren't for the fact that he stood further away than Fred from the portrait that covering the way that they used to get to there.

Looking up at the person who prevented Fred from falling to the floor; Fred just went through a similar anguish and train of thoughts once again. Except a few more thoughts were added of course. Fred wanted to either tease and make the situation light like he was used to but he also wanted to yell and be angry. But they just stared at each other silently. Just like when Fred forgot what to say when he saw Hermione, the other male looked like he had forgotten what he was supposed to say as well.

"I don't want to thank you for catching me. You're still an idiot", Fred murmured and stood up straight with some help from the other person. Everyone were probably staring at them but Fred didn't pay them any attention.

"I know", Percy said quietly, his voice cracking at the end. "I'm an idiot, I was an idiot before as well. I was wrong".

"Yes you where… both of those things". Fred's glare turned into a smirk. "It took _this _for you to finally confess that you're an idiot, huh", Fred barely managed to hit him playfully on the shoulder before he was pushed to the side by his overzealous parents and siblings who all wanted to either talk, hug or yell at him. Fred chuckled and stepped away.

"Fred?"

Fred turned around at the mention of his name and faced Hermione. "... hi". Fred knew he sounded a little awkward.

Hermione smiled warmly at him. "Hi… you look… alive".

"That's the nicest way anyone have ever told me that I look like shit". Fred chuckled. "You look _alive _too".

"And I'm glad that we both _are _alive too".

"Yeah, even if we're going to fight for our lives soon", Fred added with a hollow chuckle. It was sad that they could only truly and properly reunite the moment before truly going to war. What a cruel joke.

Hermione was silent for a few minutes; saddened by the reminder so Fred decided to lighten up the situation. "So did you sleep with Harry or Ron while you were gone?"

Hermione looked a little baffled by the question until she realized what he was referring to and laughed. "Yes, obviously. Everyday. Have you slept with any girl?"

"Yes, everyday. I was drowning in them". Fred decided to not ruin the moment and remind her that he was still unable to sleep with anyone.

**_"But you're perfectly fine with making out with boys?"_**

_"I'll get around to tell her another time! It's not important!"_

Hermione started to laugh and Fred was taken aback for a moment because he had for a moment forgotten what both of them just told each other before he laughed along.

They laughed for a few seconds before Fred cut it short by being the first one to ask the question both of them were dying to ask. "Does that mean that you want me back when this is over?"

"Yes… in highsight, I'm not sure what breaking up with you actually accomplished. I was still thinking a lot about you… and you were equally in danger", Hermione confessed.

"I was thinking a lot about you too". Fred scratched his neck. "So I hope to see you on the other side". Hermione stopped smiling and it took way too long for Fred to realize that his words were chosen poorly. "I didn't mean in the after life!" Fred chuckled. "I meant on the other side of this mess! In my head this thing that's going on, this war, is like a long thick mist so me wording it like that makes more sense to me… because, you know, the other side of the mist. I see it as a mist because it feels like it's going on forever but it's actually possible to get out of it. You know?" Fred knew his explanation was very clumsy but the stern look on her face made him nervous, even if he was in fact telling the truth. He wished he knew what she was thinking about.

"How-".

"We should probably prepare ourselves for the battle", Fred cut her off. He had an inclination of what she was about to ask. It was a little rude, but this wasn't a good time to discuss anyone's well being.

"Fred", she said like a warning. "Did you-?".

"We should probably-".

Hermione grabbed his arm and he knew in that moment that it was over. She pulled up his his sleeve to reveal one of his ugly wounds he stitched up himself plus many more less deep ones. Fred looked away; couldn't even look at her face because he was so ashamed.

"It's nothing. It's not important right now", Fred murmured but she still held onto him. "We can talk about it-".

"For h-how long?"

"It's not important".

"But-".

"It's not important!" This time Fred was pretty sure that he had gotten the attention from his family. He turned to look at Hermione again so he didn't have to see their reactions. Now when he finally looked at her he could see that his yelling startled her but she quickly resumed her angry expression.

"At least tell me how recent, Fred", Hermione ordered. Fred didn't answer so they just stared at each other silently. Hermione's eyes narrowed. "You are not coming with us". Fred's eyes widened.

"That's not for you to decide! I'm not a risk for myself!"

Bill decided to butt in. "Are you sure about that? Because you could have fooled me". He crossed his arms and Fred glared at him and snatched his arm back from Hermione.

"I haven't tried to off myself. That should be proof enough!" Fred exclaimed.

Their mother stormed over to them with their dad in tow. "It's not!" She roared. Yes she did hint previously that she knew that he had relapsed but definitely not to this extent. Even from far away you could see that he had clearly done more than _occasionally _given in. "I'm not letting you go out there! You're leaving with the others!"

George, being the only one who seemed to be on his side, stepped over to them. "The guy he used to go to said that this doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to die. I can vouch for Fred. He wouldn't want to die this way".

Fred smiled at him to silently thank him. However, the others weren't buying it. Arthur shook his head. "This isn't the right place and time to take these kind of chances, George. I understand that you want to defend him but we can't take that risk".

"Exactly", Hermione chimed in. "We're not trying to be mean. We care about him and don't know for sure that he cares about himself too". George looked like he wanted to argue but he seemed to realize that his attempts would be futile so he just looked down and glared at the floor… even if FRed could tell that he did in fact look a little relieved that Fred wasn't allowed to participate in the battle.

Fred turned to look at the rest of the family but none of them looked like they were going to butt in. Charlie stood like Bill with his arms crossed and a serious look on his face, Percy looked like he wanted to say something (probably lecture Fred) but he didn't feel like he had the right to do that right now, Ginny looked conflicted, Ron looked conflicted too as well as a bit angry and Harry looked uncomfortable and deep in thoughts. Fred sighed in defeat. Not because he actually agreed that he shouldn't be allowed to fight but because this was hogging time they didn't have.

"Just leave me behind then!" He exclaimed and angrily walked past them to the portrait. "But don't fucking die on me! Or you might as well have let me come anyway!" He heard them call after him but he didn't care. Neither did he care how childish he acted or how he stupid it was that he decided to part with them while fighting. He knew that he couldn't distract them while they were getting ready no matter how much he wished that he could convince them that he wouldn't get himself killed on purpose. That's why he just up and left instead of either arguing or having a long conversation where they told each other to not die. Still, it was immensely unfair that they could go and risk their lives just like that. Did they think that it was better for them to die rather than him or did they just think that he was too weak to fight?

**_"They would rather that you felt the pain of losing someone than them". _**

_"I really don't think they are that selfish and cold. They wouldn't want me to live with that". _

**_"Perhaps I worded it poorly. I didn't mean that they wanted you to suffer. They just didn't want to suffer again and didn't consider that you might have to feel the pain instead". _**

_"That… That first thing you said did not come off that way at all". _

**_"I'm angry too remember? I don't think about every single word I use!"_**

_"Fair enough". _

With sunken shoulders, Fred walked with the younger students who weren't allowed to fight through the small passage. It felt wrong to leave everyone and he felt pathetic because he couldn't do anything.

_"Am I just going to wait for them to tell me that they are still alive? How am I supposed to do nothing!?"_

**_"Yes, How?"_**

Fred was finally through the tunnel and came face to face with professor Dumbledore's brother… Fred couldn't currently recall his name.

"I thought only the young ones weren't supposed to be fighting", the older man commented when he saw Fred.

"Yeah… I… I was just making sure that my younger brother was in fact leaving and not planning on sneaking back again".

**_"Oh..."._**

"Ah, you're one of the Weasleys, right? Many siblings?"

" Oh Yeah". Fred nodded and looked around until his eyes landed on a random red haired student that was about to leave the small building. "That's my brother over there". He pointed at the boy (or now when he looked closer, he could see it was a girl with short hair) and the old man (seriously Fred needed to remember his name) only managed to get a quick glimpse of red hair before the student disappeared. Not the most polished of lies but it was at least successful.

"Okay. Then I assume you're going back?"

"Yeah… I just want to _really _make sure that he doesn't come back. Stubborn younger siblings, you know". Fred walked out the door before he could get a response.

**_"Ah, if you went back immediately they would just have send you back again. You need to wait until it have already started to make sure that you will actually be a part of the battle. And waiting in the tunnel is a bad idea in case more people will hurry to get out later. Am I correct?"_**

Fred leaned against the wall next to the door after making sure that he couldn't be seen through the covered windows. He felt awfully calm for someone who was about to enter a battlefield.

**_"Well it's not like this is the first time you have walked into possible death. It's familiar in a way, right?"_**

_"Yeah, it is. It's the only comforting part of this. But the difference is that I'm an adult this time and not a child". _

**_"And that you're not actively looking for death this time. You accept that it can happen but you want to stay alive". _**

_"As long as I'm not left behind… like I kind of am now but more permanently". _

**_"Yeah I know… The tunnel is long, you can probably go back pretty soon". _**

_"I might as well go back now before the other Dumbledore starts to think that I just tried to escape like a coward". _

**_"Hopefully you don't actually have to show him that you actually know his name". _**

_"Don't laugh at me". _

Fred stood up straight and walked into the house again. He walked across the room and through the portrait hole without staying to chat with the old man…

_"Aberforth! It's fucking Aberforth! I remembered!" _

**_"Aberforth and Albus… their names are twinning more than yours and George's". _**

Fred only walked past a couple of people on his way back and the rush in their steps told Fred that the calm was gone and the storm had arrived. One person annoyingly ran into him from the direction he came from and he almost fell over.

"Be careful… what are you doing here?" Fred asked the young buy, Colin, Fred remembered his name was Colin. "Aren't you too young? Go back!"

"But I-".

"Go back I said! You won't get passed me!"

**_"Hypocrite… ". _**

Colin glared at him with his fists shaking.

_"I'm not. This is different"._

**_"Can you explain to me how it's different? You're holding him back the same way the others held you back". _**

Colin looked like he was about to have a long speech about how he needed to be a part of the battle, but it seemed like the adrenaline he previously had in his body that gave him courage to go back inside was slowly fading. Fred assumed that it was because his thoughts had been challenged and he started to remember his fear.

"I … What am I supposed to do?" Colin asked, sounding both desperate and defeated.

"Live and see how a life is with … Voldemort gone… ". Both flinched when he said that name. "Or gather your strength and come and fight later. We might need a backup then anyway".

Colin nodded with an unreadable expression before turning around and running back. Fred wasn't convinced that the younger boy wouldn't just do exactly what Fred had done but he really couldn't stand there and guard.

Fred continued to walk until he was back where he last saw his family. The room was empty; no one could stop him from fighting now.

_"He is a child who don't have enough experience with fighting or have the stomach to actually kill someone". _

**_"Huh?"_**

_"That's the difference between me and him. Yes I'm young but I have a bigger chance of survival". _

**_"That's true but you didn't have these arguments in your head when I asked"._**

_"I couldn't properly explain them until now". _

**_"Sure… are you sure that you're able to kill?"_**

_"I don't know… and I never wanted to know… "._

**_"Wanted to know if you really were more alike with murderous Fathi than you would have liked?"_**

_"Y-yeah…". _

**_"Well… unfortunately, you'll know soon enough". _**

Fred dug his nails into his palms.

_"Will you… will you turn bad again if I survive this and get worse? Will you hate me again?" _

**_"... I don't know… ". _**

Fred wouldn't get a much better answer than that. He put his bloody hand over his beating heart and swallowed. There was no turning back now. He pulled out his wand and ran out of the room. Immediately his senses were assaulted by stark reminders of the reality of the situation. He breathed in the heavy air; thick with dust and burnt brick, his nose clogged up with sot, he heard voices; loud and terrified going silent after the sound of explosions and his eyes caught lights in red and green fly across the hall in the distance; searching to destroy.

For a moment, Fred was a bit caught off guard but he quickly got used to the situation. A part of him hated himself for being able to recover that fast. His mind was alert enough that he managed to take cover before he was hit by a spell that caused a huge dent in the wall behind him. Something was immediately set or in his mind and his wand was raised and he sent a huge light that hit the man in the chest. The man in turn flew backwards to the ground and Fred was left in shock by his actions.

_"That… that was too natural". _

**_"Don't freak out over this. He might still be alive, it wasn't the killing curse"._**

_"I'm freaking out over the wrong bloody thing even!"_

"Wh-Why am I not freaking-freaking out because I pr-probably killed someone?"

_"Why am I freaking out because it wasn't something hard for me to do!?"_

**_"KEEP YOU HEAD IN THE GAME!"_**

Fred snapped out of his emotional turmoil and fired at more death eaters that came his way. They were a little more difficult to handle because they weren't caught off guard like the first man had been. One person sent fire at Fred so he had to lift his arms in a cross over his face because there weren't anything near he could use as protection instead. Don't be mistaken, it was extremely painful to the point that he screamed in agony but Fred assumed that the hardened skin on his arms from years of harming himself probably softened the blow at least a little. Being used to the pain; he could use the moment they probably assumed that he was going to fall to the ground in pain and fired back at one of them square in the face before running away with the remaining death eaters firing their spells after him.

Fred managed to run into another corridor and into one of the rooms. He closed the door behind him and finally, with dread, looked at his arms. Not only did it sting worse with every movement he made, but it looked disgusting and horrifying. His red blistering and sticky skin had melted through and over the last remains of his sleeves. Now when he could relax a little more because he wasn't in the heat of the battle anymore, he realized that a big portion of his shoulders and thighs had burns on them as well. Not nearly as bad as his arms but still _really _painful.

With a more clear mind he realized that this was a bad place to hide because he would have nowhere to escape if they walked in through THE ONLY WAY OUT. So he had to leave before they found him because a quick look around told him that there were no hiding places available to his size. Fred turned around back again and left though the door. Unfortunately the men from earlier were just a few feet away so Fred immediately had to resume running again with occasionally shooting an ill aimed spell at them.

He arrived at the staircase and saw another death eater fighting someone below so, without thinking of course and because he really needed to get away from the people chasing the guy who killed their mate, Fred flung himself at the death eater and both fell down the platform into a staircase that just moved in their direction. Fred felt pain throughout his entire body, especially his chest and ribcage, but this time the scream was caught inside of his body. It took a few seconds, that felt like minutes, before he could breathe properly again because the impact had seriously pushed all the air out of his lungs (or at least that's what it felt like).

**_"Do you feel like a hero?"_**

_"I feel like a dumbass. But nothing seems broken at least"._

**_"Well you helped the person that death eater was dueling with and you fled your aggressors. Two birds in one stone I guess… albeit in a stupid way… why isn't the guy you tackled attacking you?"_ **

Fred already knew the answer but looked anyway. The man's skull was crushed on a heap of rocks on the broken part of the staircase. And the only reason why Fred wasn't in a similar position was because his his own head was actually on the death eater's stomach… so Fred immediately backed away with a horrified look on his face. He also forced himself to look away because the sight was a little too fascinating for him.

With a loud groan of pain; Fred forced himself in an upright position and stood up. He grasped his hurting rib cage and looked around for the person who was dueling the guy Fred just… the guy that just died. He hoped that the student had been an asshole and had ran away instead of checking on him and hasn't been killed just before Fred tackled the attacker and was in fact one of the bodies on the floor. It's not everyday you wish someone was a mean coward but this wasn't a normal day.

Fred picked up his wand and and started to walk the rest of the way down the staircase and through the corridor on the other side. Half of him wished that he could find Hermione, George or anyone else he cared about and the other half hoped he wouldn't find them so he either wouldn't die in front of them or distract them enough to get them killed in front of him. Both of those scenarios sounded likely, especially the first one because he didn't know the extent of his injuries. He really didn't want to prove them right about him just getting himself killed, but he had unfortunately so far taken every step to prove himself wrong. Yes he didn't intentionally do this to himself but the others probably wouldn't see it that way. He didn't want to die, which was another thing they were wrong about but if he died away from them then they would never know that.

His thoughts were disturbed by more lights and explosions in front of him at the end of the corridor. He did for a moment heavily consider to just hide and try to tend to his probably severe injuries but he couldn't let himself do that. Instead, as fast as he could, he went to the source of the commotion and started to fire at where the green lights came from without looking at whoever he was fighting with. Which in highsight would have been a better option.

"Fred? What are you doing here!?"

Fred was startled for a moment and only barely escaped another blast of fire. He turned to the source of the voice with a sheepish grin. "Oh hi Perce! Just helping a brother out even if he was a moron!" He yelled back before continuing to fire at the death eaters. Percy ran toward him while also attacking the enemy.

"You still seem to have a hard time with authority I see. Not listening to what people tell you to do". Percy sounded more amused than annoyed.

"You're not going to lecture me now are you?" Fred asked, clearly surprised.

"There is no point in doing that now!" Percy disarmed one of the death eaters before blasting him across the room. "Besides, I have missed being around my reckless little brother… what happened to your arms!?"

"It wasn't my doing if that's what you're implying!", Fred bitterly assured as he shot down a chandelier from the roof that hit one of the death eaters in the head. It wasn't clear if he died or just passed out. "Be glad it wasn't my face!"

"I didn't imply that!" Percy exclaimed and pulled Fred towards the entrance. "Why are you still out here!? Those look like third degree!"

Fred got the hint ran into the corridor but stopped and turned around again to see that Percy had set fire to the books that laid between the brothers and the death eaters as well as the rest of the room. Percy then locked the door behind them and ran away with Fred close behind. Fred didn't like that he just saw his brother potentially kill people in that way but times like these didn't allow them to be passive. What Percy did was necessary no matter how bad it felt to see him do that.

"I can still fight so my arms won't be a problem", Fred assured Percy, deciding not to verbalize his thoughts.

**_"How long can you fight with that pain in your ribs though?"_**

Fred ignored the voice and continued. "But enough of that. You have been here longer than me, why am I more injured? I'm not complaining that you seem unharmed of course! I just think it's a little unfair".

"I'm more careful than you and have had more training for these kind of situations", Percy explained. They both stopped at the end of the corridor to catch their breaths. Percy was clearly more out of shape.

Fred grinned. "You might have that but I'm still more athletic than you and I haven't played quidditch in years".

"I was never into sports", Percy said coughed. "But anyway, tell me if the pain is too much".

Fred nodded. "Yeah, I wouldn't want to be in the way. Come on, let's go".

They started to run again. They went up the stairs, jumping over the dead death eater from before on the way. Fred had to stop himself from telling him that he was the culprit for that one. Wouldn't have been a good or appropriate brag.

They immediately started to fight a few death eaters again when they left the staircases. Fred couldn't tell if some of them were the ones hunting him before or not (not like that was important). The pain got worse in his arms and ribs; most likely caused by his movements. It made moving more and more difficult, which did surprise him a little. It surprised him because he was used to getting more used to the feeling after a while because that's what happened when he self harmed. This was a little bit different though. He wasn't even sure that these wounds would ever be able to heal fully. Fred couldn't recall exactly what spell had been used so for all he knew it could be on the same level as the spell that permanently removed George's ear.

Fred shook away these thoughts and walked closer to the death eaters with Percy. He couldn't be distracted by his fears now. One misstep and he could get killed… one misstep and _Percy _could get killed. They needed to have each other's back.

Percy got hit in the shoulder by a spell and screamed in pain. Fred fired back before staring at Percy who was grasping his shoulder with a face scrunched up in pain.

**_"Distracted…"._**

_"What!? But I wasn't distracted anymore!"_

**_"No I know. You are the one distracting him". _**

_"!?"_

**_"He is too occupied with being worried about you to worry about himself"._**

**_"You... keep... Messing up... I... see", _**A third and painfully familiar voice whispered in his head.

Fred's eyes widened and he was filled with more rage than he had felt before. He saw red and fired more spells at their attackers.

_"No, you're not becoming a voice in my head now! You already took everything from me! You took my innocence, my trust, my childhood, my relationships, my sense of control! I WON'T LET YOU TAKE MY MIND AS WELL!" _

The death eater that hurt Percy tried to attack Percy again but Fred sent a spell his way that made him collapse on the floor. It made him satisfied that he could save him but something felt… off. Fred didn't know what it was. He looked at Percy and was met by a look of horror. Fred looked around until his eyes landed on three familiar faces a few feet away; Harry, Ron and Hermione. At first he was happy and relieved to see them, seeing that his little brother, a boy that was was like a brother as well and the women he loved were alive and seemingly unharmed. However, he quickly saw how their expressions mirrored Percy's. With a frown, Fred turned back to the death eater on the floor.

_"What happened? Why are they looking at me like that?"_

**_"It seems like only your subconsciousness remember what spells you sent out"._**

_"What- No! I didn't!"_

**_"Look at them! Look at the body on the ground! You know _****_exactly_ ****_what spell you used!"_**

_"The unforgiv- No!"_

Fred once again out his hand over his rapidly beating heart and held onto the fabric of his shirt tightly. His eyes were wide and he was sweating. He forced himself to snap out of it rather quickly though and continued to throw different kind of spells at the death eaters; more fiercely than before because Percy was either still in shock or was a bit weak from his injuries. The reason why Fred could recover so quickly was because he just sternly told himself to stop worrying about how much he was freaking everyone out by acting like a _monster _.

_"Maybe this was the real reason to why they didn't want me out here"._

**_"Because they were worried that the even more fucked up part of you would awaken in the right environment? No, I don't think they knew this could happen. I don't think even you knew even if you were afraid that you could become like him. You know, more like him than you already are". _**

_"Shut u-"._

**_"Watch out! To your right!"_**

Fred threw himself at Percy, pushing the older male from harm's way, and felt even more pain erupt in his body because of the sudden movement. Within a second the wall they just jumped away from exploded and Fred felt something hard struck him straight in the head and his right side. It felt like a strike of lightning went through his body as he fell to the ground. Everything was dark but he could swear that his eyes were open. He was exhausted and it seemed like the pain from earlier had truly caught up with him now and also connected with the new pain. It was very unlikely that Fred would be able to move… not like he wanted to move. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to stay awake or not, it was really hard to think clearly with all these things going against him.

_"I might have permanently damaged my arms… I might have permanently lost my vision… I might have permanently ruined my relationships with everyone because of what I just did… "._

**_"You don't know any of that for sure". _**

_"It doesn't matter… I can't keep myself awake for long anyway… I really hope Percy is alright at least. Please tell me that he is alright"._

**_"You know he is alright. Who's arms do you think are around you right now? Do you feel them?"_**

_"Yeah… I do now. It feels good. I can't remember when he hugged me last. It doesn't feel awkward, like I would have thought"._

**_"It's a gentle touch, isn't it? He isn't angry"._**

_"Yeah… it is"._

**_"He is probably begging you to wake up"._**

_"... b-but I am awake… Percy! I'm here still!"_

**_"You're fading…"._**

_"I feel water drip on my face… please don't cry brother". _

Fred tried to force himself to lift his arms but he couldn't no matter how hard he tried. He was slipping further and further away. It should have been scary but he was so far gone at this point that he just wished for anything at all to take him out of this state when he was a prisoner in his own body. Even if that meant death.

The voice laughed. **_"What happened to the 'not gonna die in this battle to prove them wrong' mindset". _**Fred laughed internally as well.

His muscles relaxed and his body was completely still after he inhaled his last desperate breathe. His body could neither see, hear, breathe or feel. And the the only thing that was left was the shadow of a small smile on his face.


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N:** The last chapter. Thanks for reading this far! Hope my negativity about my own work wasn't too off putting.

* * *

_Why can't I scream? It h-hurts"._

_Fire licked his skin until he was engulfed in flames. He couldn't tell exactly where the flames were coming from but something was burning his head and arms to the point he feared that they would melt off. Why did it feel like this? What did he do to become like this!? _

_"Help me! Please help me!"_

"He is getting a fever. He is burning up!"

_"Who-who is that? … doesn't matter, I'm not burning anymore". _

"No, no, No! Stay wi-".

_A powerful force pulled him downwards so violently that he swore his neck snapped. This time he could scream… or at least it __felt __like he was screaming. His voice was getting strained and the breath was leaving his body like it would have if he screamed but he couldn't hear himself make any sound. _

_He might have escaped the fire, but the force pushed him into something that felt like ice cold water. Bubbles erupted from his mouth as he continued to scream when he was pulled further and further down. _

_"Help me! Somebody!"_

_Fred finally stopped sinking quite a bit away from the surface of the water, but not far enough so he wouldn't be able to see the dark blue sky on the other side. He was neither sinking or rising; he was just floating. There as a huge pressure in his chest like he couldn't get enough air and even though he felt like he couldn't breathe it still didn't feel like he was choking to death. Maybe a more accurate explanation would be that it felt like someone was sitting on his chest but he still managed to get barely enough air because the person wasn't heavy enough to cut off his airflow immediately. _

_The surface of the water changed before his eyes. Above the water was no longer a sky, instead he saw the hallway of Hogwarts like he was staring through a giant window to the castle. _

_A much younger version of Fred walked into the scene unfolding in front of him with Angelina and Katie. It saddened him a little to see Alicia because they hadn't really talked for a while. _

_"You're keeping secrets", Angelina said to the younger Fred._

_"I'm not! Stop going on about that!" He exclaimed with a annoyed pout. Katie and Angelina eyed each other with knowing glances. "What!?"_

_"I think he is having a crush on someone", Angelina loudly whispered to Katie._

_"I think so too", Katie loudly whispered back. They clearly meant for their friend to hear. _

_"I don't!" But the redness in his cheeks betrayed him and the girls laughed._

_Meanwhile, the adult Fred floating in the water was very confused. He didn't remember this. Apparently he had a "crush" on Angie longer than he had thought, way before they got together (and then realized that they didn't actually like each other that way). It was kind of adorable. He couldn't quite tell when this memory took place, but it was definitely before puberty really happened. So before Fred started to hurt himself, but the voice was already present. Had he started to throw up meals yet at this point? Maybe? Fred wasn't sure. Why was he even watching this in the first place? _

_The scene shifted to something he actually remembered. He saw himself, older this time, sitting in Jules' office._

_"Have you tried sleeping without the potion one night like I asked?" Jules asked._

_"Yeah and I still have nightmares. I don't get it. Harry saw someone die not too long ago and he is more stable than me. I'm obviously glad for his sake but why am I still having nightmares like this?". _

_"You are two different people", Jules said. "Yes you both have been through bad things and both of you have even gone through some similar things-". _

_"Similar?"_

_"Yes, you told me you saw Loré kill someone… I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said his name". _

_"No, no it's alright. I can't be terrified of the name forever". _

_"Maybe not but you still flinch when you hear his name. It takes longer for some people to get better, especially for people who don't quite know everything they need to know to try to cope"._

_"What do you mean? I know that I have suffered from Schizophrenia for a long time because of stress from the second war that triggered a certain gene or something like that. I know I'm traumatized and have issues with relationship because of what that man did to me and I also have issues trusting others because I kept all my suffering to myself". _

_"But there are things you are having problems with but don't really like to talk about yet. Like why it bothers why why there are people who think that you are into men the degree you are and it feels like you think that there might be more things left you can't remember". _

_"I just don't like when people think I am something I'm not. I can assure you that it's not deeper than that". He chuckled. "But why would you think that I think that there might be more shit in my life?"_

_"Because you can't properly accept that you weren't at fault for what happened to you. Which is not uncommon". _

_"Yeah, but you told me once that he erased every memory I had of him and the only memories that was recovered was the once that were around the sessions we had plus when he took me to that party, right?" _

_"Yes that's correct". _

_"So what did I say to him outside of the sessions? Plus, could that memory thing they used on me even recover all the thoughts I had during the missions? Maybe I joked with him in the same way I joke with Lee and other guys and he didn't realize that it was jokes?"_

_"Even if he believed you were serious, he still should know better than to drug you the way he did", Jules pointed out. "But you are correct about the assumption of the memory recovery process. It can't recover all your thoughts and feelings 100 percent… is the part about the jokes the reason why you don't like that people think you like men? You're afraid that people will take advantage of you again if they think you would like it?"_

_"No! Or, I don't think so… I don't know!" Fred in the memory sighed deeply. "I don't know anymore what I think"._

_"It's because there are things you don't want to have to deal with so you escape. That's what's slowing down the healing process". Jules got complete silence as an answer. "Healing can take a long time. That's why it is good to lay everything out so you can learn how to handle it. That would make the process a little faster". Still silence. "But it's important that you don't push yourself too much too soon. This is something that you have to learn how to handle in your own time. I'll be there when you are ready to talk about it". _

_Fred in the water wasn't sure what to think about this. Was this really what people were forced to see when they died? Their unfinished business? His dying friendships with people and his mental health? What sick and sadistic game was this!? … dying. Fred had forgotten for a moment that he was _**_dying. _**_Or maybe he was already dead and was currently being punished in the afterlife by being shown his regrets. Not that he agreed that he deserved such treatment. But maybe using a unforgivable curse actually cursed your soul. He didn't know, he didn't pay that much attention when it came up in class. _

_He saw himself at Hogwarts again outside of the great hall. This time he wasn't with his friends, but alone. Fred wondered what kind of regret he would be shown this time. He looked just as young as he did in the first memory, so the memories didn't seem to show up in chronological order. Weird, but maybe there was some reason to it… or he was just so brain damaged at this point that it was too much to ask for things to make sene. _

_Fred's whole body tensed up when he saw the man walk over to his younger self. His younger self, still being innocent and unaware of the darkness in the man's heart, smiled at the man._

_"I thought you wanted to pretend that we didn't know each other", Loré said with a small smirk. A smirk that induced trust when Fred was younger, now made Fred disgusted. _

_"No one I know is here right now", his younger self said. "And I'm not ashamed of you or anything. It's just that me being around the school counselor is a dead giveaway that I'm not… you know, sane". _

_Loré laughed and Fred felt like he was about to throw up. He hadn't felt this terrified in a long time, even if he knew that he couldn't be hurt by him anymore. "I know, you don't need to explain yourself… but I would like an explanation as to why you're leaving the dining hall early". _

_His younger self looked down at the ground with shame on his face. He trusted the man enough that time to not sugar coat when things were bad. "I couldn't eat". _

_"I thought that had gotten better". Loré looked worried and it caught Fred off a little. He had forgotten that Loré actually did genuinely care for him to some degree… which made what happened even more confusing and hurtful._

_"Yeah, but the karma voice is a bit weird today. I assume it's because I stayed up so long planning a prank". _

_Loré chuckled. "Should you really be telling me about a possible prank?" _

_"I trust you not to snitch. You will enjoy this too anyway". _

_"Then I look forward to it. But I would prefer if you also got some food in you before that". _

_"Don't worry about that! It's not like I'll go without any food at all-oh! I almost forgot!" His younger self pulled out a small box from his pocket. "My parents sent some baked goods, but I didn't want to eat everything they sent me so I repackaged some to give to you as a thanks!"_

_Loré looked back and forth between the box in younger Fred's hand and his face with a shocked expression. "Are you sure? Wouldn't you rather give it to a friend or maybe some little girl you fancy?" _

_His younger self shook his head and extended his hand further in Loré's direction. "I want you to have it! Besides, you're like a friend too". _

_Loré smiled warmly and took the box. "Then I can't say no, can I? You sure can be adorable when you want to". _

_His younger self turned red in the face but Fred couldn't tell if it was because of anger or embarrassment. Probably the latter because that did make more sense. _

_"I'm not adorable!"_

_"Looking the way you do now, you're not helping your case", Loré teased and put the box in his robe pocket. "I guess I'll see you at your next session?"_

_His younger self nodded; still red in the face. Loré ruffled his hair and walked away chuckling as Fred's younger self glared after him. The last thing present Fred saw before the scene disappeared was a small smile on his younger self's face. _

_Unlike before, a new scene didn't unfold. Instead Fred started to slowly sink down. Not in the same way he did before when something was clearly pulling him. This time it were calmer, like the water was simply gently pushing him towards the bottom of the sea. _

_Fred was even more confused now. What kind of unfinished business was the third memory trying to portray? That he hadn't confronted Loré again before dying? How was he even supposed to do that? Wasn't the man in Azkaban? Maybe he needed to know exactly if Loré was punished enough for what he did? Could that really be why? _

_Fred's eyes widened when he just realized something; that last memory shouldn't have been available for him to see. Like JUles in his second memory said; he was only able to recall the memories he had of the man that took place during specific times. Maybe him dying helped him accidentally unlock another memory? Completely unnecessary. What was he even supposed to do with that?_

_The surface of the water appeared smaller and smaller as Fred sunk deeper and deeper into the lukewarm water. He stopped when he felt something underneath him. He saw up from his position on the sand and it didn't quite feel like he was underwater anymore. Sure his hair was still flowing and he still felt the feel of water on his skin but now he would move, talk and breathe like he was on land. _

_Slowly, Fred stood up and looked around until his eyes landed on a shadowy figure a few feet away. He didn't know why but he felt like he needed to go there. Without feeling the need to hurry, Fred took his time walking over the the figure. _

_"Are you death?" Fred asked and stopped not far from the person. Fred could see now that it wasn't a normal human being, but a human shaped cloud of black smoke. _

_The cloud turned around to look at Fred. Even if it wasn't structured enough to have distinguished features, Fred could somehow just tell where the cloud was looking and what kind of expressions it pulled. _

**_"Joking in your last moments I see". _**

_Fred laughed. "I didn't recognize you from far away at first". _

**_"It's weird that you recognize me at all from anything that isn't my voice. You know, because I'm usually only a voice in your head". _**

_Both chuckled. "Yeah I guess", Fred said. "You know why I just saw all that? Like is there an actual meaning to it?"_

**_"I only know what you know". _**

_"Yeah I know that". _

_The could sighed. _**_"Well I only have the same assumptions that exists in your head. Maybe not the things you desperately want to be true though. I don't think this is necessarily about several cases of unfinished business, although I agree that you do have that. I think this is all related to one single thing that you have refused to acknowledge. A thing that wouldn't have been a big deal if you hadn't made such a big deal out of it in the first place". _**

_"What could that be?" _

**_"The last thing that you refuse to deal with. The thing that have been eating you up inside because you blame so much on that. The guilt, the control you either thought that you should of had or did actually have but was stupid too stupid to take advantage of". _**

_Fred closed his eyes and inhaled a shaky breath. "Do I really need to acknowledge that now? When I'm about to die anyway". _

**_"You could still survive". _**

_Fred chuckled bitterly. "Let me guess, I need to want to be alive enough for me to survive? And you're supposed to convince me that life is worth living or some shit like that? Because let me tell you, that's unnecessary-"_

**_"Actually no. I can see it in you that you actually want to go back and fix everything that you need to fix. You don't want your life to just have been misery and suffering. You want to try find a way to be happy this time around when you have just been given the courage to face everything. Also, you don't want to hurt your family again and you kind of want to prove them wrong by coming back to life. Out of spite". _**_Fred laughed with a sheepish smile on his face while he scratched his neck. _**_"But unfortunately, you're kind of dependant on the outside to stay alive. I mean, all the willpower in the world can't keep someone who is severely injured alive". _**

_"Sooo… I'm just going to sit here and wait? Boy that's anticlimactic". _

**_"Yeah. And boring too". _**

_Both of them sat down on the sand and gravel. There was a comfortable silence between them because none of them felt the need to say anything right now. _

_Fred knew that he would definitely have chosen death in a heartbeat if he was younger. He might have had more things so suffer from during the past years like the death, war frustration at not getting better fast enough, issues with trust and not feeling like a man or a proper boyfriend because of the aftermath of the assault. However, he was older and stronger. Yes, it would be a pain when and __if __he could come back to life. Not only did he have more psychological issues to unfold and digest, but who knew what damages had been done to his body and how long those would last? Yeah, it wasn't going to be easy but he wasn't about to die this way! _

_The water turned lighter. Fred looked up and was horrified to discover that it was because it was day now and the light from the surface got brighter and brighter. _

_"I-is this the light? Am I going to die!?" Fred started to hyperventilate. It wasn't fair, he was ready to try! He was ready to try for real this time! Was his body beyond saving this time!?_

**_"Fred, listen closely. Calm down first because you apparently can't hear clearly when you have a panic attack"_**

_Fred did as he said and heard an unfamiliar voice call for him to respond and wake up. It was most likely a healer trying to communicate with him. _

_Fred had to narrow his eyes because of the brightness. Despite that, he was extremely relieved that he wasn't going to die yet. _

_"I'm here! I'm alive!" Fred exclaimed to the light and turned back to the voice. "Do I just swim up or what do I do!?"_

_The voice laughed. _**_"You'll know soon". _**

_Fred smiled and quickly stood up. His smile disappeared quickly though and he turned to the voice again who was slowly getting up too. "You know. There have been times when I wished that you were a real person… even before you became pleasant to have around". _

**_"Yeah I know". _**

_"And you probably also know why". _

**_"Yes I do. It's because, if I was real, you wouldn't have been so alone. Even when I was against you, no one understood you and knew as much about you as I did". _**

_"But unfortunately… you're just… me". Fred chuckled sadly. "You have a completely different personality than me but everything you know are things I know. Every time you insult me, you just told me things I thought about myself as well and when you helped me you were just the manifestation of my optimism… or something like that". _

_Fred saw eyes, identical to his own look at him sadly. The voice sighed and put some of his own red hair behind his ear. This was the first time it actually truly felt that they were the same person, because now he wasn't looking at some mysterious being; he was looking at himself. _

**_"It's getting brighter in here". _**

_"Yeah, it's hurting my eyes". _

**_"It's time to go now… want to hold hands or something?" _**_The voice joked and Fred laughed. _

_"Why not? This is a beautiful moment! Besides, I don't think I'll ever get the chance to hold my own hands like this again". _

**_"This is the least sad way you could give yourself comfort"_ **_, the voice said with a smirk and extended his hand towards Fred. Fred grabbed it. _**_"So how is it?" _**

_"I don't know. Not as awkward as I had expected". _

**_"Good, because you better hold on tightly". _**

_"Wha-". _

_Fred and the voice started to float upwards now. It felt like he was under water again and it once again became a little hard to breathe. He had to grasp the voice's hand harder to not float away from him. _

_At first they went upwards slowly but soon, the same force that pulled him into the water was grabbing onto them and their speed increased to a uncomfortable degree so the water was hurting Fred's skin. _

_The surface got closer and closer and Fred's eyes hurt more and more. The frantic voices calling out to each other and to him to say with him got louder and louder as well. The pressure in his chest built up and he extended his arm towards the light, hoping to reach it as quickly as possible. _

_The light was now everything he could see. He lowered his arm to cover his eyes as he breached the surface, finally felt the air in his lungs and-_

Pain. Everything, absolutely everything; **pain.**. Fred's eyes shot up as he took some desperate and raspy breaths. His head hurt so much that the bright light in the room made him so nauseous that he had to close his eyes to prevent himself from puking. Which in a way was a good sign because that meant that he hadn't lost his vision. His rib cage was burning and his arms were stinging like someone was currently pouring boiling hot water on them.

"Mr. Weasley? Are you awake?" The person sounded frantic but at the same time a little relieved.

Fred coughed and nodded. His breathing was probably desperate and irregular because of the pain. He forced his eyes open but kept them narrowed. The face of a middle aged female healer was the first thing he saw.

"Can you talk?"

Fred's throat was hurting really bad as well and it felt like someone had shoved gravel down his vocal cords, but he still managed to force out a weak yes,

"Good! Good. On a scale of one to 10, with 1 being completely fine, how much pain are you in right now?"

Fred started to try to say something again but started to cough violently again. At first he wasn't sure if he was imagining things or not when he felt himself cough something up, but the look on the healer's face told him that he was definitely not imagining things. It could have been dust or gravel or something else he had in his mouth from the explosion and had accidentally swallowed when he woke up. The healer didn't look horrified, more sympathetic and a little worried, so he wasn't coughing up blood or something like that…. the explosion…

"My-my.. f-family", Fred forced out. He was holding back tears at this point and wanted more than anything for the pain to stop. But he had to know about the others. Had he even managed to save Percy? Was Hermione alright? Was George? Was he the last survivor? If that was the case then what the hell did he fight for!?

"I need you to calm down sir", the healer said and pushed him down. Fred hadn't even realized that he was trying to sit up. "I promise you that your family's alive and that they would prefer if you stayed alive as well. Now please, how bad is your pain lev-".

"10!" Fred exclaimed and the tears finally fell. He wanted to ask about Hermione and Harry as well but he wasn't sure that this healer knew who Hermione was or anything about her and Harry's whereabouts. Which could be a good sign if that meant that they didn't need medical care.

Fred didn't know if it was because it looked like he was about to trash around or something, but someone moved to hold him down as well but didn't seem to realize that grabbing his arms was a bad idea. He screamed out in pain as a gloved hand not so gently touched his badly burned upper arm. The hand pulled away pretty quickly which was also a bad idea because some of the skin stuck to it and ripped. It was just a little but enough to bring significant amount of pain.

Being too curious to think properly, Fred finally took a good look at his arms and started to freak out. He hyperventilated and his tried to regulate his breath again which only made it harder for him to properly get air into his lungs. It somehow looked worse than before, or maybe it did look like this previously and he just didn't pay much attention. The big yellow blisters that looked like they were about to burst covered red, fleshy and melted skin that was attacked completely to what was left of his sleeves. The healers would have to _peel off _his clothes and it was _disgusting. _Most of his previous scars couldn't be seen anymore but some bumps on his arms were definitely from the times he was cut periciliary deep. It didn't even look like arms anymore! It looked like something sick, something dying.

"We need to sedate the patient! We can't treat him like this!" Fred was panicking too much. He didn't know exactly what they did, but it didn't take long before he became exhausted and quickly fall asleep.

* * *

There were notable improvements in the pain levels when Fred woke up again. His body still hurt but it was much more bearable. His ribcage felt fine, the headache was gone and his arms felt numb. A quick look at his arms and he saw that both were wrapped in thick bandages, which meant that they hadn't been properly treated yet so he must be on painkillers. It shocked him that they hadn't started to heal his arms yet. He suspected that it was either because the magic used to burn him made it more difficult to heal or because they didn't want to risk freaking him out by removing his self harm scars before he was ready to have them removed (like when he had attempted suicide). The first option sounded more likely because why would they risk his life because of something like that?

With limited mobility, Fred turned his head to look around the room. It wasn't quite as empty as he first had expected. A healer was to his left; fiddling with a plastic bag on a stand with a small and long tube that was connected to Fred's arm with a needle.

_"The good stuff", _Fred thought and was a little too entertained by his own joke.

He saw Percy in one corner with his head in his hands and George leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, looking like he was deep in thoughts, in the other corner. Fred felt extremely relieved that they were okay. He wasn't sure if the healer actually told him the truth before or not. Not necessarily because he thought she lied, it was more that he wasn't sure that she knew about every single Weasley and might have missed one or two when she counted them. Fred assumed that there was only two people in the room right now because more weren't allowed. He hoped that the reason why Hermione wasn't there was because George as his twin and Percy as the guy who he almost died for demanded to be there and not because she didn't want to be with him after what he had done.

Obviously him killing people during a war wasn't the reason as to why he was convinced that he might have ruined everything between them. Even him using the killing course wasn't necessary the deal breaker either. Fred probably looked like he had lost himself when attacked the death eaters. It was bad enough that he had relapsed horrible, she wouldn't be able to handle someone who was probably not as traumatized as everyone else about killing someone. Was this what he had been built up to? Why didn't he feel as bad about this as the assault? Maybe he would feel horrible about this later as well? He hoped so and it wasn't everyday he wished that he felt worse than he already did.

"I'm sorry", Fred murmured and the other three in the room probably got whiplash from how quickly they turned to his direction. They stared at him like they weren't quite sure if he was awake yet or if they just heard things. Fred's eyes were probably not open wide enough for them to see that he wasn't unconscious. Blame the light in the room. "This is such a familiar scene... I'm sorry that you had to see me like this again", Fred said and he really meant it. Percy and George immediately flew to his bedside with tears building up in their eyes.

"You fucking idiot!" George sobbed and buried his face in Fred's chest. Fred was really glad that he was on painkillers for his probably broken ribs in that moment. Percy looked like he wanted to hug him as well but wasn't sure that he was allowed. He probably felt guilty for Fred being there. Fred would have felt guilty too if he was in his place.

Fred eyed Percy's bandaged shoulder with a relieved smile. He didn't seem too hurt. "I'm glad that you're okay", Fred commented and Percy looked appalled.

"That _I'm _okay!?" He exclaimed like he couldn't believe his words. A few tears fell down his face.

"Yeah. Or else, why do I lay here?" Fred joked but regretted his words as soon as he said them when he saw how the guilt intensified in Percy's face. "Don't look at me like that. You would have done the same for me and I was hurt before I found you anyway. Come and hug your badass younger brother now", Fred demanded. Percy didn't look fully convinced that he shouldn't feel guilt but still smiled and walked over to Fred to also half lay on him to hug him. Fred sniffled and wiped away some of Percy's tears.

The healer looked at them with a worried expression. "Mr. Weasley. You still have broken ribs so they shouldn't put too much weight on you even if you can't feel a thing right now!" She exclaimed and both George and Percy immediately jumped off him. "We haven't been able to heal you yet because we currently can only stabilize our patients and not properly tend to them. We are very overwhelmed".

"I understand", Fred said but one quick glance at Percy told him that his older brother wasn't as understanding, but would keep his mouth shut. "How badly am I hurt? Give it to me straight, I'm a big boy".

The healer smiled at him warmly. She most were most likely just happy that her patient seemed to be fine. "Except for the broken ribs, you have second degree and third degree burns on your arms and legs. You have damaged nerve endings on your arms, caused by the previously mentioned burns… or some could have been caused by previous _endeavors _". Fred smiled sheepishly at her. He assumed that she was intentionally vague when she talked about the self-harming to not alarm his brothers. Even if it wasn't necessary, it was still a nice gesture. "You also had a small concussion and some really minor injuries to your face and body like bruises and shallow wounds. Everything is treatable".

Fred nodded to show that he understood. "Well that's good news". His expression turned worried as he looked at Percy. "Did anyone else… ?"

"No one in our family is more injured than you", Percy assured. "But I can assure you that everyone is angry to some degree… some are _really _angry", Percy said and discreetly hinted at George by quickly glancing at his way. Fred wasn't too surprised, George was oddly silent after all.

"Did… did we win?" Fred hesitantly asked and Percy nodded at him with a tired but happy smile. Those news didn't surprise Fred too much because he probably wouldn't have been allowed to be treated if they hadn't won. It felt weird, really weird. It didn't feel like much of a difference while, at the same time, it felt like the heaviest weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He wanted to ask about casualties but decided not to for now. He just wanted to let them be happy that he wasn't dead before they were forced to give him the bad news. "Are… are Hermione here?" He dared to ask.

"Y-yeah. She is outside… mad as hell, but outside", Percy assured. "Do you want me to get her? Because that could be a little hard because there is a two at a time rule and you have a big family wanting to either hug or hit you".

"You're not… is it too late to pretend to be asleep?" Fred asked and Percy lightly slapped him on the shoulder. Fred was once again thankful for the painkillers because he was sure that he had burn wounds there. "Okay, okay, okay I'm sorry. Can you at least warn them not to crush me when they come in because of my ribs? … and can we get a moment alone?" Fred asked and quickly glanced at George.

"Yes, of course", Percy said with a understanding nod. "I'll try to keep them away for as long as possible… I can't promise anything however, we almost lost you. Remember?"

"Yes and I can assure you that this is the last time", Fred promised. Percy smiled at him before leaving the room.

The healer turned to Fred again. "I'm going to look at another patient. I'll let you know when we can proceed to heal you".

"Thank you. Take the time you need, I'm alive and happy". The healer chuckled before leaving. Now the twins were alone. Fred didn't exactly know how his twin was going to act now but he really didn't look forward to it. George did NOT look like he wanted to joke to make this better like Fred did. Fred sighed. "Look, I know that none of you wanted me in there in the first place. Even if you actually tried to back me up back there. I would have preferred being just as fine as you seem to be-".

"Why couldn't you just have stayed behind? Why do you have to keep almost dying?"

Fred blinked; shocked. "Would _you _have stayed behind? I saved Percy you know! I helped taking down death eaters!" Fred left out how Percy most likely wouldn't have been close to death anyway if he hadn't been there in the first place. Frankly, Fred wasn't actually sure that he accomplished shit. He was probably mostly useless during the fight even if he did … _reduce _the number of death eaters slightly.

"I can't lose you! You can't keep doing th-ah!" George grabbed his side with pain written all over his face. Fred immediately sat up, which probably wasn't good for him but who cares? He couldn't feel anything anyway.

"George!? Are you alright!?" Fred exclaimed and sat up slightly.

"Just a nasty bruise- LAY DOWN! Stop hurting yourself and lay the fuck down!" George ordered in a tone Fred had never heard before. With wide eyes; Fred complied and slowly laid down again.

"I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry", Fred said, almost begging, to try to defuse the situation but George was still very angry and… hyperventilating? "Please, calm down George. I'm alive and I'll be fully healed. I'll never be put in harm's way like this ever again".

"But what if this does happen again!? How-how am I supposed… ". George almost lost his footing and grabbed the bed frame for support. Fred finally realized that George's breathing wasn't caused by anger… but by _panic. _George was having a panic attack. That did explain why he was so quiet before and why he was so hectic now.

"George stay with me. You're not thinking about what you're saying. I am NOT going to lay in this bed again until I'm old and pruny, alright? Sit down! You're becoming light headed". Obviously, that was a mistake.

George glared at him like he was going to attack him (but Fred new better of course) "DON'T TELL ME TO- !".

Fred flew up, clumsily grabbed George's hand and put it over his heart. George's angry expression dropped. He was still not breathing properly but having the literal proof of his brother's well being in his hand did seem to calm him down somewhat. "I. am. alive", Fred said; making sure that every word was truly registered in George's brain. "I. am. well. Trust me. Look. at. me". George's eyes widened as he just realized what he had done. Fred swore that his twin was holding back tears but George just pulled back his hand and backed away. "George… ".

"I n-need… I just need to… ". George swallowed nervously. "I just need to take some fresh air".

"George…". Fred said again but George just shook his head and quickly left. Fred sure hoped that George was just out for fresh air and wasn't going to smoke, but Fred wasn't very optimistic.

Fred was worried but it had to wait. It didn't take long for his parents to run into the room. Apparently Percy couldn't hold them back much longer, but it seemed like they had calmed down a little while waiting on their turn. At first it did look like his mother was going to pounce on him but stopped herself. Percy didn't forget to warn them of his injuries after all.

Molly, while sobbing, gently grabbed his hand and kissed it while stroking his cheek. She repeated this motion over and over again. She didn't say anything but she didn't need to. Tears build up in Fred's eyes and he started to silently apologize over and over again while she constantly assured him that he hadn't to apologize and that he did good. He noticed that she had a few scrapes in her face but otherwise she seemed fine. His father looked just a little worse off but not to the point of worrying Fred.

"You have to stop scaring us like that", Arthur said with a tired smile as he ruffled Fred's hair. He had clearly been crying. "Don't look at me like that, don't feel guilty. I'm proud of how hard you fought. We shouldn't have doubted you".

"N-no I understand", Fred assured him. "I seem to be the only one of us in this position… ".

"Don't feel bad about that", Arthur said. "There are people who were hurt worse… or dead. I'm just glad that you aren't any of those". Fred nodded and wrapped his fingers around his mother's hand to the best of his abilities.

"How long was I out?" Fred asked. "I forgot to ask earlier".

"It's the day after the battle now", Arthur answered. Which did make sense because the healer did say that they were just stabilizing people at this moment so a long time couldn't have passed. "The healers were so sure that you would have received an infection or a cold. But so far that doesn't seem to be the case, which is good because they weren't sure that your body would be able to fight it off right now. That's why you probably won't see Charlie today, because we suspect he might have a cold. He doesn't agree with the decision of course".

Fred chuckled. "I didn't agree when everyone told me to stay back yesterday either so you might need to keep an eye on him".

"You are brothers after all", Arthur sighed. "But keeping him away might be good anyway".

"So he is one of those who want to hit me?"

"What? Well, he is mad but I don't think he'll hit someone with... broken ribs and burned arms". Arthus sounded sadder when he said that last part and his eyes were now on the bandaged arms that laid on each side of Fred's body.

"I'm still relieved that he can blow off some steam because it was bad enough that George was angry", Fred murmured and looked down.

"He was just really worried", Arthur said and put some of Fred's hair behind his ear. "I don't know how your conversation went but he really needed to calm down... I assume this brings back memories".

"Yeah… ", Fred mumbled with a sad expression.

His parents stayed for a couple of minutes before Arthur reminded his wife that more people wanted to meet Fred. She hesitated at first, not wanting to leave her baby, but Arthur managed to coerce her into leaving with Fred telling them he would see them later. The next two who walked in were Bill and Ginny. Fred didn't doubt that it would have been Charlie and Bill if Charlie hadn't been held back.

Ginny looked worried for a moment. "Are you in pain?" She asked. "You have tears in your eyes".

"Let's say for the sake of my manly ego that it's because I'm in pain", Fred cheekily responded and she rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, you're obviously okay I see".

Bill chuckled and, just like Arthur had done previously, ruffled Fred's hair. Fred glared at him and mumbled something about how his beautiful hair didn't deserve this kind of treatment. "You gave us quite the scare".

"Yeah. Just like last time, I know", Fred said and looked down; ashamed.

It was silent for a moment until Ginny started to talk again. "Not quite", Ginny said. "This isn't at all like last time. Any of us could have been laying where you are right now or be gone like Lupin-".

"Lupin is dead?" Fred cut her off and she immediately looked like she regretted her words. She had assumed that he already knew.

"And Tonks", Bill added. He didn't bother beating around the bush. Fred would know eventually and they couldn't just straight out lie now.

"What?" Fred looked back and forth between them. "But what about their son?"

"He'll be alright". Bill had a small and sad smile on his face. "He have his grandmother and our family if needed".

Not wanting Fred to dwell on it too much Ginny continued with what she was going to say before. "What I meant to say was that we all prepared ourselves to lose someone. It wouldn't have been realistic for us all to survive so you being like this is a miracle".

"I agree", Bill said. "This could have been any of us. So holding you back yesterday wasn't very fair, but we didn't want to risk increasing the probability of death. But this could have been Percy or myself. I mean I was caught of guard several times during the battle, like at the staircase when someone surprised me but suddenly stopped when I ran away… I came back later to see that he had fallen down from where he was standing. Despite the sight, it's fairly amusing because it's not a very dignified way to go … what?"

Fred stared at him, dumbfounded, before he had to do his best to not smirk. "The moving staircases?"

"Yeah. But he didn't stand on them so that can't be the excuse for him to fall".

"Are you sure that he died from the impact and that you just didn't hit him with a spell before you escaped?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. I didn't have any advantages position wise and didn't really manage to hit him. Hence why I ran away to fight death eaters further away".

"Did he hit his head badly or something?"

"Yeah it seemed so. Not a pretty sight". Bill shivered. "Why are you asking so much about that?"

"Head injury? Are you sure?" Fred finally let the smirk show on his face. "Cuz I could imagine, for no reason at all, that your ribs would take a really nasty hit as well… I guess he didn't have something or someone to make the fall easier for his head". Fred added the last part to really make sure that Bill and Ginny wouldn't just assume that he fell on his own and almost got himself killed in a_ 'less than dignified way' _.

At first his siblings looked confused but pretty soon Bill's eyes widened when he realized what Fred might be hinting at. "Did you have something to do with that?"

Ginny looked at Bill with a confused frown before looking back at Fred. Fred chuckled and said: "Maaybee. Two out of six siblings saved by me. Not bad, not bad".

Now Ginny's eyes widened now as well. "You took that guy down?"

"Don't be too impressed Ginny", Bill said. "He broke his ribs, obviously he fell with the death eater-".

"I didn't fall down with him like a clutz!" Fred exclaimed as his siblings laughed. "I tackled him while running away from the fuckers who burned me. It was a noble sacrifice".

"You're a dumbass!" Ginny exclaimed. "And it's not sounding like everyone was completely wrong to want to make you sit out the battle… ".

"Hey fuck you". Fred tried to cross his arms but quickly gave up because of his limited mobility and pouted. Ginny laughed at his response and then laughed harder at his poor attempt at crossing his arms. Fred murmured that she shouldn't laugh at her poor injured brother while trying his best not to smile.

"But anyway, I guess I'll have to thank you for helping back there as well", Bill said. "But I wished you had paid enough attention in defense against the dark arts classes".

"Tackling is a good tactic, mind you", Fred remarked sarcastically. "And it takes way more upper body strength than holding a wand".

Ginny rolled her eyes. "Maybe but just holding a wand could have saved you from the injuries you received from that fall".

"Let's just… let's just focus on the fact that we are all alive and-soon-to-be well", Fred said and the other two chuckled. "I'm glad that you two aren't making this too emotional. Even if I did probably scare you and remind you of darker times".

"I think things have been far too serious for too long", Ginny said and Bill agreed. "And you wouldn't want us to cry all over you like mom probably have".

"You're correct about that… I'm also glad that you're not furious with me like Charlie or freaked out like George. Speaking about him, have he acted really weird since you met him after the war was over?"

Bill and Ginny looked thoughtful for a moment before Bill answered: "I guess now when you mention it. I can't blame him though, I have no idea what he saw during the battle but… let's just say that he haven't been able to enjoy the victory at all. To put it mildly".

"What do you mean? Don't leave out any details".

Bill sighed. "Well immediately when the battle was over and you-know-who gave us an hour or so to collect our fallen and tend to the injured, he was terrified-hysteric as one could say. He couldn't calm down before he had made sure that his family was alive and well but when he saw you he… ".

"He what? Bill, please just tell me", Fred begged.

Bill scratched his neck. "He had a complete meltdown. We had to stop him from screaming and attacking Percy. It took awhile to make him understand that you were still alive and even longer before we could convince him that you could still be saved. I suspect that he already had it in his head that the second time you were near death would be your last. Which, to be fair, is similar to what I've been thinking… ".

"Can I ask why?"

"Well. You have already survived once, why would you have the luck to survive again?" Fred was silent. "Anyway, he finally calmed down when the healers told us that you had woken up but was put back to sleep again. He apologized to Percy and, as you already know, they demanded to stay with you until you woke up. For their sanity I'd imagine".

Ginny looked at Bill. "And George freaked out again when he was in here. We heard him yell". Ginny looked back at Fred. "We saw him run away… I'm worried".

Fred gave her the most reassuring smile he could give her despite him not believing that everything was fine. "He have been very stressed lately and this was pushing him over the edge. He'll be fine. We just need to give him time". Ginny didn't look fully convinced but seemed to accept his words. It's always easier to accept that everything is fine and that hadn't changed.

Bill looked a bit sceptical. "I guess", he said and put his hand on Ginny's shoulder. "We should probably let the next ones see him".

"Yeah", Ginny said to him before looking back at Fred again. "We'll see you later. It's nice to see that you'll be alright". Her and Bill walked across the room and exited through the door.

Fred didn't have to wonder for long who would be next when Ron, accompanied by a shy acting Harry, walked in.

"You look terrible", Ron commented and Fred chuckled.

"Thanks. You too", Fred said sarcastically. He was relieved that his younger brother wasn't going to make this too emotional as well. "In fact, I was just about to ask you if you had been burned as well because your face looks-".

"Sod off", Ron muttered but couldn't stop himself from smiling. "Doesn't seem like you're in pain. That's good".

"They have really good stuff here that makes me forget that my ribs are in pieces and that my shirt is currently a permanent part of my skin", Fred joked.

Ron looked disgusted. "Doesn't… doesn't that freak you out?" He asked. "I would be a little freaked out if that was the state of my body". Ron shivered.

"Not really right now. Nothing I could do about it. Want me to move and see if you can hear my broken ribs move around? You know, like a rattle".

"You're a disgusting man".

Fred started to laugh and Ron sighed with a small smile. He was just happy that his brother was fine. Harry was still quiet and Fred definitely took notice. "You're okay over there, Harry the big hero? … Dumb question. You have probably been through a lot at this point. I'm glad that you came to see me. You know, because you really are family and you're not thinking about beating my ass like my absent sick older brother. No need to act coy".

Harry's mouth opened and closed a couple of times before he finally managed to squeeze some words out. "I'm sorry. It's my-".

"Technically this is my fault", Fred cut him off. "I was told to stay behind and I was like fuck it and what did I do? Immediately get myself hurt… by the way, that Colin guy who used to follow you with a camera... What happened to him?"

Harry raised an eyebrow. "He was too young to fight I believe. But he came back later to see how it went. I don't know exactly where he is now. Why do you-".

"It's good to hear that at least he knew what _stay back _meant and actually followed that order. But anyway, don't blame yourself for anything kid. And if you need anyone to talk to then I might be a little more understanding than others. I also obviously am 100 percent behind therapy as well of course, so you could give that a try… Whatever you choose".

Harry smiled coyly at him. The young boy looked extremely exhausted. "Thanks", he said quietly. "Is that something you're going to continue?"

"The therapy thing? Yeah definitely", Fred said and he could see that Ron looked relieved to hear that. "I hope I can go to the same guy but it's not the end of the world if it's not. I sure have shit to unload".

"I can imagine that", Ron mumbled while quickly glancing at one of Fred's arms. "Wouldn't want you back here".

"Yeah". Fred smiled. "Me neither… don't take this the wrong way, I'm glad that you two are here. I'm just wondering… is there someone else waiting to see me later?"

"You mean Hermione?" Harry asked and Fred nodded. "Yeah, she wanted to talk to you by herself. Don't worry, I don't think she wants to officially break up. I don't know what she accidentally might tell you because of how she is now, but she clearly missed you when we were gone and it was hard to make her leave your side when you were unconscious".

"Exactly", Ron agreed. "You have nothing to be worried about".

"That makes me feel a little more optimistic", Fred confessed.

They chatted for a bit. It started of pretty casual before Harry and Ron filled Fred in on what happened during their mission and what happened while Fred was unconscious. Fred was really fascinated by the fact that Harry died and came back. He internally joked about how Harry had beat him when it came to the close to death race. That wasn't a appropriate joke to make out loud. The part of their story that went over what happened at Malfoy Manor made Fred's blood boil and he desperately just wanted to see Hermione even more but didn't want to make his brother and his brother's best friend believe that he wanted to get rid of them.

"I think we should leave now", Harry told Ron. His mood had noticeably improved since he stepped into the room. "I think we have made her wait long enough and I would hate if she had got her just to be ushered out because visiting hours were over".

Ron nodded. "Yeah I would hate for that to happen as well". Ron turned back to Fred. "It's good to see you awake again. I hope you'll get healed soon".

"Me too brother. I can't do much now". Fred looked a little sheepish as he demonstrated how limited his movements were. "But one more thing before you go. Can you please check up on George and ask others to do the same? I really don't think he is fine".

Ron's eyes widened. "Not fine in what way?"

"I'm not implying that he'll try to commit a younger Fred move", Fred assured before he caused any more freak outs. "But I think he still needs to know that I'm not the only one who are allowed to ask for help. I think it's good to show support as early as possible. Just in case. At least tell him that he isn't alone or ask him if he is alright. Small things can help".

Both Ron and Harry nodded and assured him that they were going to try doing that before they left. Fred closed his eyes and sighed; mentally preparing himself for what was to come. He knew now that she wasn't afraid of him at least… frankly, know when he thought about it, no one seemed freaked out at how he was behaving during the battle. Maybe he didn't look as crazy as he thought? Maybe they did realize that he was just trying to protect his brother when he used the unforgivable curse and that he wasn't actually enjoying the killing. He might not be super traumatized at the moment for what he did that but he started to suspect that it was because it hadn't properly registered in his mind yet. Because he did in fact in a way feel a bit detached from his memories of the situation. Whatever that was a good thing or not was yet to be seen.

The door opened and Fred quickly opened his eyes. Hermione walked in with her eyes glued to the floor. She looked up at him quickly before looking down again when she closed the door. She stood there for a couple of seconds before she finally dragged her feet across the floor. That didn't make Fred so optimistic anymore. However, he did feel extremely relieved and happy to see her alive with no visible injuries. Not matter the outcome of this conversation; at least she would be alright and that's the most important thing.

"Are you here unwillingly or something?" Fred joked to try to ease the tension but she continued to look at the floor even when she was at the foot of his bed where she stopped. "I didn't really know in what direction this conversation would go… I still don't know actually. However, I prepared different things to say for different scenarios… unless you want to say something?" She was still silent so Fred cleared his voice and continued. "First of all, I'm not sorry for disobeying you when you told me to stay back. In case you were here to be angry at me for doing that. I didn't go in wanting to die, so you all were wrong about that, but I'm not angry at any of you. I understand your reasoning. I also believe people with mental issues aren't allowed to fight in battles in the muggle world?" Silence. "Okay, scenario two. A little more optimistic one. I heard that you were really worried about me after I got hurt and I'll assure you that I'll make a full recovery as soon as they have the time to heal me. I'm in no pain whatsoever right now so don't think I'm joking through the pain right now. So you don't have to worry about me". Silence. "Okay… scenario three. A bit related to scenario one. I'm sorry that you had to see that I had relapsed. I'm going to be completely honest and tell you that I relapsed before you left with Harry and Ron and I'm barely over a week clean. I haven't been able to get my medication or been able to talk to anyone properly so this was the only thing that helped me cope with the situation. But I tried to stop for a time as well, hence why I have gone a certain time without doing anything. I'm still fully committed to stop, especially now when I can finally get help again. If this is too much stress for you then I completely understand. Maybe you want to continue the break to focus on yourself while I try to get better at the same time? Because I understand if you need to focus on your own mental health. I assume most people need that now". Hermione was still silent but he could see that she tied her fists when he talked about the third scenario.

Fred waited a little longer to give her space to talk but she still just stared at the ground with her messy hair covering her face. It was impossible to see exactly what she was feeling but she was obviously not holding back smiles or laughter or anything positive. "The fourth scenario was the most likely one for a while". Fred sighed. "And that is… well if you don't think I'm good for you at all then I understand. I know how I was during the battle and what spell I used… I didn't know what I used until afterwards because all I saw red but still… like I said, I don't think that this scenario is just as likely anymore but-". Hermione finally looked up and Fred could see that she had been holding back tears. He realized that's probably the reason as to why she was silent, she was trying to not cry and she tried to collect herself to properly talk to him… and he just made it worse. She stomped over to him, grabbed his face and pressed her lips against his. At first he was shocked but he quickly kissed her back. Her tears hit his face but he didn't mind. It was like she was desperately trying to convey all her feelings through the kiss; all the things she couldn't say.

They pulled away and rested their foreheads against each other while breathing heavily. "I'm not angry at you", Hermione finally said; her voice breaking at the end. "I'm so bloody happy that you're alive".

"Me too", Fred breathed out. "And I'm happy that you're fine as well". Hermione started to laugh before finally smiling.

"I was really scared you know".

"Yes I know and I'm really sorry. I can definitely promise you now that I'll be way more careful from now on".

"I'll hold you to that", Hermione said and rested her head in the crook of his neck. "Did you prepare for this scenario?"

Fred chuckled. "No there is only so many things you can prepare for".

The healer soon returned and smiled at the sight. "Visiting hours are unfortunately over. But you'll be able to visit him tomorrow". Fred assumed she didn't comment on their position because laying on him was fair game as long as it wasn't on his ribcage.

Hermione lifted her head. "Okay. How long do you think he'll stay here?"

"If things are going the way they should, he should be allowed to go home tomorrow. The potion we'll use to heal his ribs and the ointment for his burns need hours to do their job. Unfortunately mr. Weasley, I can't promise you that you'll be able to sleep through the night smoothly. We need you off the potion that helps you with your pain so it won't risk intervening with the treatment".

"So first you'll cut off the painkillers and then wait until it have left my system before treating me?" Fred asked to make sure that he understood the process.

The healer had a apologetic smile on her face. "And the treatment for your ribs won't be painless either am I afraid".

"That's okay", Fred assured her. "If I can come home tomorrow without any health issues then another restless night is completely fine… speaking of that, I should probably owl later to get time with a healer if I want to continue with my medication right?"

"Yes exactly. We prefer if you meet with a professional before we'll feel comfortable giving you your medication. Even if it's medication you have been on for a while. Not to probe, but what kind of medication is it? I'm obviously only asking out of necessity. A lot of people will try to contact us now when the war is over but if you really need your medication then maybe I can help speeding the process up?"

"That sounds great. I mostly need my sleeping medication and my anti-depressant... I think you have probably seen the reason why that last one is needed. You know, with the scars".

The healer nodded and Hermione decided to chime in. "He is also a diagnosed schizophrenic". Fred gave her a angry look but she ignored him. "He needs medication for his psychosis".

The healer's eyes widened and she looked at him. "Is that true? I haven't really read that part of your file because it wasn't relevant to your current care".

**_"Just answer yes mate. You could always explain to Jules or whoever you'll meet that I'm not a bother anymore". _**

_"Who said that I didn't think you were a bother?"_

**_"Fuck you". _**

Fred chuckled but stopped himself when he realized were he was.

**"** **_But still. You need to prioritize others over me. If you need to get rid of me to really be a part of the real world. Then do it. You _****_know _****_it's the right choice". _**

Fred sighed. "Yeah that's true. You have my permission to check my file if you don't believe me. I also need to start meeting a psychologist again. But it's not as urgent of course as the medication… Is Jules still… you know, _alive?" _

She didn't drop her smile so Fred immediately felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. "Yes. He laid low but didn't need to get into hiding because of his blood status. He is fine and I'd bet he would be so happy to hear that you're alive". The healer turned to Hermione. "If there is nothing more you want to know I unfortunately have to ask you to leave. But don't worry, you can be with him as much as you want tomorrow".

"He have a big family that would want his time as well", Hermione said and kissed Fred on the cheek. "But I'll come over tomorrow".

"Yeah I'll see you then… say sorry to Charlie from me!" Fred called out when Hermione left the room.

The healer walked over to the plastic bag that was connected to Fred and slowly removed the IV from Fred's arm. "The pain will soon come back. I'm sorry that you can't have any of your family or friends… or girlfriend here when that happens".

"Don't be. I'm tired of them seeing me in pain anyway".

* * *

"George.. ". George turned away from the window to face his newly arrived twin brother. There wa no smell of nicotine on his breath, which felt like a good sign. "My ribcage is back in place now if you want to try to hug me again", Fred joked and raised his arms out but put them down again when George just continued to stare at him. "Look. I'm back and I'm not going anywhere. I-".

"The letter on the chair". Fred stopped talking looked confused. "Pick the letter up and read it".

"Is something up?"

"Just do it please".

Fred looked at the letter he was walking about and slowly picked it up while George stared at him. Reading the letter only made Fred more confused. Nothing about it would explain why George was acting the way he was. "I have read it now. Can you now tell me what's up?"

"Who is it from and what is it about? Tell me!"

"Okay, okay! Merlin's beard. It's a letter from Angie writing that she is happy that we are alright and that she will come and visit soon… you know, good fucking news! So why are you like this?"

George calmed down significantly when Fred told him what the letter was about and turned back to look out the window. "I know that it was good news… I just wanted to double check".

"Okay, you are acting really weirdly now! I don't get-". Fred's eyes suddenly widened. He took a step back and almost stumbled over something on the ground. "George… ", Fred said, pleadingly. He wasn't quite hyperventilating yet but it could start any minute. "Don't tell me that-".

George quickly turned to Fred and he looked really worried when he saw Fred's reaction. "N-No! I'm not seeing things yet! That's why I'm constantly testing to see if I see or hear things that aren't there. No need to freak out, please just… I'm sorry".

Fred closed his eyes and breathed in and out slowly a couple of times before opening his eyes again. "No I'm sorry. I shouldn't have reacted so strongly but I couldn't sleep all night and I've been very stressed lately like everyone else".

"You didn't sleep?"

"Painful recovery but enough about me. You haven't seen any sign of developing schizophrenia, right? You're just _afraid _that you will, correct?"

George nodded. "I could get it. If you can then I can… I s-saw terrible thing-things when the school was attacked and then I almost lost you _again _. Then Harry died but then he came back and now I can't fucking calm down! What if I-".

"Become mad as well?" Fred asked with a smile and took a step closer to him. "Then we'll deal with it then. Earlier than what happened with me so you won't go through exactly the same thing".

"I'm… I'm scared", George admitted and Fred put his hands on George's shoulders.

"You don't have to be. We were there for each other before the war, we will be there for each other afterwards as well. I'll help you check for signs until you're sure that you don't have the same thing as me. But _if _you become the same as me then I'll help you as much as I can. I know what it feels like so I'll never judge you or underestimate your problems".

"I… ", George started to say but looked Fred in the eye silently for a while. Then he moved closer and wrapped his arms around Fred's middle. Fred smiled and moved his arms from George's shoulders and hugged him back. "I didn't give you that hug before".

"This is what I wanted", Fred teased and George chuckled. "I hope anything I said went through that big hole in your head and into your brain". George laughed harder.

"Yeah maybe soooomething did", George said and leaned back a little to look Fred in the face. "Thank you, I mean it".

Fred beamed. "And I'll absolutely be there for you. _I _mean it". They hugged each other closer again so they weren't face to face anymore. "But you definitely have to owl st. Mungus and ask for a psychologist as well… don't make that face you know I'm right".

"How do you know that I'm making a face? You can't even _see _my face right now".

"I know you. I'm going back to therapy and I'm dragging your ass with me. It helps a lot and they will be able to professionally decide if you have any of my mental illnesses or if you have something else".

"How many things did you have now again? Is there really anything left?" George teased and Fred chuckled.

"How dare you! I'm only diagnosed with PTSD and Schizophrenia! Maybe Depression as well but they weren't clear about that. Especially because the PTSD is covering a lot of ground. I don't really care, I get the treatment I need… or I guess, I WILL get the treatment I need".

"Was PTSD that trauma disorder?"

"Yeah. I think the most common, but not the only, causes are sexual assault and… and war. So I really, REALLY want you to talk to a psychologist to make sure that you won't develop that... I guess a lot of people might develop now".

"Now you don't have to feel alone anymore".

Fred laughed. "Exactly. This was all an elaborate plan to make you all just like me".

"I always knew there was something evil about you", George teased before they finally pulled away from each other. It did start to become a little awkward to hug each other after a while. "But you're right. I'll try the therapy thing".

"I'll hold you to that", Fred promised. "And I'll be really annoying until I have seen you send the letter".

"You're already annoying", George teased and laughed when Fred hit him playfully on the shoulder.

* * *

Jules was noticeably happy and relieved that Fred was alive and eager to meet him even if Fred did confess about his relapses. Apparently Fred being eager to get help is a sign of major improvement and relapses were normal and could be worked on. It made Fred feel a lot better to hear.

"Is there something special you want to talk about? Because we don't have to dig too deeply the first time. Sometimes you can just have a chat", Jules said. He was sitting a lot closer than he usually did but Fred didn't really mind anymore. He had missed this man too much to be afraid of him.

"There is one thing that I need to talk about because it's something that have been there for a long time, but I've just ignored it… I don't want to talk about the war stuff this time. I think I need a little more time to properly process those things".

Jules gave him a encouraging smile. "That's completely fine as long as you don't hold things too yourself for too long".

"Don't worry… I have just had this on my chest for so long that I need to talk about it now when I finally accept it".

"What is it about?"

"It's… it's about the man".

"The really bad man?"

"Yeah him… I think that I… I think that I… ".

"Take your time. Do you want water?" Jules gestured to a jug with water on a table close to the window.

"Yeah if it's not to much trouble… might be good to prepare the tissues as well to be on the safe side".

Jules smiled at him, went and brought a glass of water and the box of tissue he always had close by and returned to Fred with the items. Fred thanked him and put them down on the small round table in front of them. He took a small sip from the glass and continued. "I think that I… at least on a subconscious level… liked him. Like, _liked _him". Fred immediately regretted saying that because Jules might be a really good psychologist and was super friendly but he was also a middle aged man. Who knew what his opinions about that kind of stuff was?

"In a romantic way?" Jules didn't sound judgemental, only curious at this new breakthrough. "Do you remember more things now? Is this something you have known for a long time or is this just something you believe because you still thinks that you were somewhat at fault for what happened?"

"It's a mix of the first two I guess", Fred said and looked away from Jules. "I have memories of being extra kind to him in a way I have only been to siblings or crushes… at least at that age. Hence why he was so convinced that I wanted what he did to me. Him removing my memories have mixed things up more than I thought. I once dated my brother's sort of girlfriend but I never had feelings for her, at least not when I actually think about it. I used to think that it was because it was expected of us to get together or something like that… but I had memories of being into someone and either I just assumed it was her when people mentioned it or because he removed my memories of him all I had left was _affection _and _the girl who wants to date me and I could date her _so I made the obvious assumption".

"But didn't you say that you rejected all his advances?" Jules asked. "And that you were confused that he felt something for you at all because you saw him as a friend? Maybe you just think that you liked him just because you being attracted to males must have meant that you must have given a male a reason to do something. At least in your opinion Which could explain why you were so afraid for so long to accept the fact that you liked men".

"That's why I said subconsciously", Fred pointed out. "Like I liked him, but didn't know that was possible and I was a little kid. So I liked him but didn't know or want to do anything about it. I'm not saying that I was in love with the guy, probably just curious. I don't think it was completely innocent when I sat on his lap". Fred sighed. "And about the other thing you said, I believe that you're probably right that a part of me didn't want to admit that I just didn't like only women because I feared that it would open up for more guys to think that they could take what they wanted… but it was also something else about that… it felt weird to admit to liking guys after being assaulted by one, you know? Like I don't want people to think that the assault was what made me this way or that I liked what he did to me".

"I can understand that but I want you to know that anyone who believes that your sexuality is caused by or should diminish the seriousness of your trauma is not worth your time". Jules smiled at Fred as he drank more of his water to get rid of the lump in his throat. It did feel nice to hear Jules saying that but it also made him emotional. "But when it comes to the first thing you said. It's fully possible that you're correct and just remembered things a little differently at first because you didn't understand everything at that time or because you didn't have all your memories. However, it's a little hard to know for sure if you did like him like that or not. There is also a possibility that you blame your sexuality for leading him on because you still can't let go of the fact that you didn't have any control over the situation. Even if you liked him, that don't excuse his behavior at all as well".

"I… suppose that could be true as well even if I still think that my suspicion is correct". Fred sighed and leaned further back into his chair. "I sure have a lot of shit to unpack".

Jules grinned. "That's why I'm here and I really think you'll be able to really learn how to cope with everything this time around".

Fred grinned back. "Thank you. Thank you so much".

* * *

Fred sighed nervously as he stood beside Hermione outside of her parents house. A year and a half had passed since the war and they had been able to together find her parents in Australia and restore Mr. and Mrs. Granger's memory a few months ago. It didn't take this long because they were necessarily that hard to find but because Fred and Hermione also started to look pretty late. They started late because they had to spend time healing from the things they had been through first. Obviously many wounds were still fresh but it became very obvious that Hermione needed her parents as much as Fred needed his. Arthur and Molly were there for her but it just wasn't the same.

This wasn't the first time Fred had met her parents but he had never had dinner with them with just him and Hermione so this was different. Fred hadn't properly met them before the war even if he was made aware of that they (surprisingly) knew that he was dating their daughter. They hadn't met yet most likely because Hermione didn't like talking about that kind of things with her parents. Which was fair, Fred wasn't much to brag about during that time anyway because he was a suicidal kid when they got together anyway.

This time was different because the happy couple had some good news to share when it came to their relationship. "Are you really that worried that you'll make them dislike you?" Hermione asked and took his hand. "They already like you for being there for me for so long".

"Yeah, but what If I accidentally make inappropriate jokes? It's just so natural to me".

"That won't happen", Hermione assured (and warned). "I trust you that you'll do just fine. They have only heard good things about you from me. I promise".

"Thanks for lying to them for me", Fred joked and she pretended to me annoying with him.

Mr. Granger finally opened the door a few minutes after they had knocked. He had a apologetic smile on his face for making them wait as he welcomed them into the house. He gave Hermione a hug and shook Fred's hand after he had closed the door behind them. He lead them into the living room where his wife was, who also welcomed Hermione and Fred in a similar way.

"It's good to finally meet you properly", Mrs. Granger told Fred.

"I agree. I'm really glad that I can meet you two like this too", Fred answered.

"See Hermione", her dad teased. "Even your boyfriend think it's weird that you haven't introduced him yet even if you two have dated for years".

"You wouldn't have left me alone if I told you that I got a boyfriend in my fourth year", Hermione murmured before realizing her mistake.

"FOURTH YEAR!?" Both of her parents exclaimed at the same time. Hermione's face turned red and Fred couldn't help but laugh.

Deciding to get her out of the embarrassing situation Fred grabbed her hand and kissed it, making sure that her parents could get a good glimpse of the reason for the visit.

The parents' eyes widened and Mrs. Granger looked at Hermione all giddy. "Are you engaged?"

Hermione was taken aback at first by the sudden change of subject but the quickly nodded with a bright smile on her face as she showed off the ring a little better. Her mother grabbed her hand gently, looked at it and then hugged her again. Fred felt a gentle hand on his shoulder and was met by a smile from the bride to be's father. He took that as a good sign that he wouldn't get his ass kicked for this at least. So far so good.

Some time later all four sat and had tea around the kitchen table. Mrs. Granger was eagerly asking Hermione about their engagement and plans for the wedding and Mr. Granger was asking Fred about his business. Fred was a bit worried that his line of work would seem a little weird or undignified in some way to them but his future father in law seemed pretty impressed that he owned his own successful company. Even if it was a joke shop. So far it went smoothly.

Mrs. Granger stopped talking to Hermione for a moment and turned to Fred. "Can you pass me the biscuits?"

"Yeah sure", Fred said and handed her the small plate before he spotted that her cup was empty. "Do you want some more tea as well?" She nodded and thanked him as he lifted the teapot so his loose button down sleeve went further down his arm. He poured her some tea without realizing that she looked at his arm with a raised eyebrow.

"What's that on your arm?"

Instinctually Fred flinched but then realized where he was and pulled up the sleeve further; showing smooth skin with a tattoo of a long arrow, that you could see were made out of small flowers if you looked closely enough. "It's a tattoo. Me and my twin got matching ones with our partners' HEAVY involvement". _Hence the flowers and simple design _was left unsaid. Mrs. Granger took a closer look. Fred continued. "It symbolizes always moving forward. You probably won't see his tattoo though because he decided to put it on his chest". Over his lungs.

"That's really sweet", Mrs. Granger said.

"Nice choice of tattoo as well", Mr. Granger said. "I think tattoos are interesting but I would never be able to pick something to have on my skin for the rest of my life… no judgement at all but did you use the term partners before because your brother are… you know".

Fred smirked. "Homosexual?" Fred was really tempted to say yes. "No I would previously say 'our girlfriends' but I'm engaged and my brother isn't yet so I'm using the word partner until then". Mr. Granger looked a little bit embarrassed by his assumption and Mrs. Granger laughed at him.

"R-right", said and Fred held himself back from also laughing. "Either way is fine to me. I wouldn't have thought differently if that was the case and-".

"It's alright", Fred assured him. "No harm done. I know you aren't like that. I understand the confusion". Fred managed to defuse the conversation and they started to talk about other things again. Meanwhile, he could tell that Hermione looked at him in a way that suggested that she knew that he was very close to tell her parents that George was in fact gay.

* * *

The happy couple was warmly welcomed when they returned to the borrow. The whole family wasn't home; only George, Ginny, Ron, Harry and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. Percy had moved back to his apartment a while ago and both Bill and Charlie had returned to their respective home and work as well. Luckily Charlie managed to patch things up with Fred without beating his ass before he left.

Fred noticed that Lee had come over as well. Which wasn't unwanted, but it was unexpected. "Hi mate. Cheating on me with my twin?" Fred asked when he walked into the living room with Hermione. Lee sat on the couch next to George.

"I didn't know how to tell you", Lee said and grabbed George's hand. "But you're not the only engaged man here anymore". George laughed and pulled away his hand.

Fred put his hand over his heart. "How could you betray me like that!?"

"You got engaged! You deceived me first!"

"I thought you wanted to be my side chick!"

"You-ah! You got me there. I'm sorry George but I can't resist him!"

Ron walked past them with Harry and murmured about how weird his brother was. Fred called: "I love you too! Not like I love Lee though!" after him.

"What am I marrying", Hermione mumbled under her breath and Fred exclaimed how offended he was that she referred him as a 'what'.

The four of them (the only people in the room) talked about nothing until Molly came with a bouquet and a card. "I forgot that someone sent flowers", She said.

Fred looked at the flowers with suspicion. "Who would send Hermione flowers-oh". Molly handed Fred the bouquet and card. He looked at the content in his hands and then back at her. "This was for me?"

"It was probably for the both of you but the person is most likely friends with you and didn't know that you moved back to your apartment with her", Molly suggested. "I didn't read the card so I can't know for sure. Anyway, I'm going to go and continue making supper". Molly smiled at him and started to walk away. Hermione caught up with her and said that she wanted to help. At first Molly hesitated and said that she didn't need to but quickly gave in and the two women left. Hermione sent Fred the thumbs up before she disappeared.

Fred looked back at his brother and his friend who both had cheeky grins on their faces. "Mom is probably right guys. Don't even try it".

"Try what?" George asked innocently.

"Insinuate that this is from a guy wanting to court me or something".

"No that's too obvious", Lee agreed. "Soooo who is it from?"

Fred didn't quite trust that they wouldn't soon start to make jokes about it so he quickly started to read the note and his eyes widened.

"Well, what is it?" George asked, noticing his brother's distress.

Fred glared at Lee. "Dude why the fuck did you tell him where I live! This is so awkward now", Fred whispered loudly. He didn't want to risk his parents hearing him.

Both George and Lee looked confused. Lee asked: "What are you talking about? What did I do?"

Fred made sure that his parents weren't present before he started to read the letter out loud. "I know you want more so hit me up if that girl bores you - S". Fred looked up again. "And who the bloody hell do you think S is!?"

George's eyes widened as well and he looked like was internally fighting between laughing and being concerned. "Shane?" He asked quietly. "I thought you were joking about that".

Now Fred turned to glare at him instead. "I tell you something that I have been keeping to myself for a long time and you think I was joking?"

"You joke about kissing guys all the time", George pointed out. "You didn't sit me down and tell me you liked blokes, you just told me about it quickly and left the room. Never mentioned it again! But now I know that it happened and I support you liking whoever you like but why does this guy think you're willing to leave your fiancé?"

"I don't know!" Fred whisper/yelled again. "I thought he was a decent bloke! Gave me shit for thinking that I was a cheater… ".

Lee finally started to burst out laughing. It looked like he had been holding that in for the last few minutes. At first Fred was confused and he was just about to ask what was funny until he realized what was going on. Fred narrowed his eyes. "So this is why you came over? To fuck with me?"

"Yeah my dude". Lee wiped away some tears from his eyes. George, deciding that it was fine now, started to laugh as well. "I spend money on those flowers so you better appreciate it".

"Even though the gay half of me does appreciate the beautiful flowers", Fred joked and the other two laughed again. "This could have started unnecessary drama if Hermione was the one who read this".

"I know. That's why she was in on it".

"She was!?"

"Well when you told me that you actually decided to tell her and George about what you did with me and Shane I decided that this was a good opportunity to mess with you".

George looked shocked once again. "You told the truth when you told me about Lee as well!?"

"Why you never believe me, brother?"

"Lee is the guy you joke about the most!"

"Yes, so it made since that he was my first gay thing". Fred crumbled up the note and put it in his pocket. No need to risk any family member finding it. "Anyway, I'm tired. Can you put the flowers away for me Lee?"

"Why would I do that?" Lee asked. "You're not my pregnant wife, you can do it yourself".

"I am your pregnant wife now and I have just met my in laws… and believe me, you want to be in the kitchen". Lee looked at him with a raised eyebrow for a few seconds before just deciding to take the flowers and leave for the kitchen. Fred sighed and sat down next to his twin.

"Did her parents grill you?" George sounded actually sympathetic.

"Not really… just a lot of excitement".

"I can imagine that", George commented before they fell into a comfortable silence for a few minutes.

Fred was the first one to say something. "They accidentally saw my tattoo".

"Did that make them think that you were a thug or something?"

"Not really… it just made me think about how they would have reacted if I still had my scars".

George smirked smugly. "So you are relieved that we talked you into getting rid of them two months ago after being seven months clean and not let you do it on your 'one year clean anniversary'?"

"I guess. It would have been very bad if they thought I was still like that … but don't be too smug about being right".

"That's impossible", George beamed and chuckled. "It still amazes me to see you have smooth skin. Haven't seen normal skin on your arms and legs in so long".

"Yeah it sometimes amazes me too. I'm still not fully used to it. Such a drastic change but a good change nonetheless. I can finally wear shorts and short sleeves outside again. It's nice".

"Do you... still feel the urge?" George hesitated a little when he asked.

"For a long time I had from time to time but didn't act on it because I felt like I could cope with my thoughts and emotions in other ways… only recently I don't have the urge at all and start to be a little confused as to why hurting myself would help at all. It's very confusing for me to think like this. It's a good sign but it's very alien to me".

"I think I get it". George nudged his shoulder. "Sounds similar to my old smoking habit… You know, I still sometimes have bad dreams about the war as well. I haven't dreamt about you being hurt for a while but I know that I would probably need a lot of time to get used to you being away from my sight when we don't live together anymore… ".

"Well a lot of time haven't passed yet". Fred smiled at him and squeezed his hand in an encouraging way. "I still have nightmares about what happened to me as a child but now I can sleep most nights without potions and Jules think that I can soon try to go without anti depressant meds! It gets better. Some things takes a long time, _some _things fix themselves almost immediately and some-".

Fred was cut of by a loud happy yell from their mom who ran into the living room with tears running down her cheeks as she threw herself at Fred and wrapped her arms around him. George looked really confused. Hermione and Lee stepped into the room as well and he looked at them for any help. Hermione looked happy but secretive and Lee looked shocked and speechless but also happy.

Hermione, finally realizing that George was confused, giggled. "It seemed like I should have given Fred a little more time to explain things. Ops". She didn't sound too apologetic though.

"Explain what?" George looked at her with a frown. Hermione looked a little coy as she rubbed her stomach and George's eyes widened and his mouth dropped as he finally understood what was going on. He looked back and forth between Hermione and Fred (who was still being suffocated by their overly excited and happy mother) without being able to utter anything for a while.

Lee was the first one of the two who were able to come over his shock. "You're okay over there buddy?" He asked like he hadn't just been speechless himself.

George finally closed his mouth and managed to find his voice again. He looked at Hermione with the most excited grin. "You're… you're serious? You're pregnant?" She nodded eagerly and as soon as Molly had finally let go of Fred to go and dote on the expecting mother George also pounced on Fred and hugged him tightly. Fred just let it happen.

They weren't just happy because Fred and Hermione was expecting a child… it was because it was _Fred _and Hermione who were having a child. Fred was going to be a dad. The same Fred who previously at one point couldn't even take care of his own business without freaking out. It was a huge sign that a _massive _improvement had been made.

Hermione murmured to Molly and Lee that they should probably leave the boys alone. Molly immediately agreed and sent out to find her husband to tell him the news and then she was probably going to tell the rest of the residents and later owl the rest of the family. Hermione chuckled at Molly's excitement and pulled Lee out of the room and into the kitchen again.

Fred chuckled nervously. His face was still wet from his mom's tears. "I swear I was just about to tell you before Mom came in and attacked me. What I was about to say was 'Some things takes a long time, some things fix themselves almost immediately and some things improve faster than you'd think without you realizing it' … and then I was going to be like 'tadaa! Baby!' Obviously in a more sensitive way".

"I'm sorry for attacking you as well". George pulled away and wiped under his own eyes to make sure that the tears building up wouldn't fall down his face. "I'm just so happy. I didn't know that you had become comfortable enough to… be able to make a baby".

"I can see that", Fred teased and chuckled again. "I still have my issues with doing that kind of stuff but only sometimes. Hermione is truly a brilliant and patient woman. Even if this isn't something I'll be able to do as often as other guys yet, I'm still really pleased that I was able to reclaim this part of myself. At least to some extent".

"Well I'm really proud of you". George beamed. "Even if I can tell that this clearly wasn't a planned pregnancy... This wasn't the reason for your engagement, right?"

Fred chuckled, shook his head and ruffled George's hair. George removed his hand and glared at him for doing that. "No we have wanted to get married for a while. The pregnancy is the reason why we decided that now was the time though, but I had planned on buying a ring long before we realized that a happy little accident had occurred".

"For how long have you known that she was pregnant?"

"Only like a week or so. We decided to tell her parents first- hence why they got so excited to the point that I became exhausted. We choose to tell them first because we told my side of the family about the engagement first".

"I guess that's fair… her mom didn't act as crazy as ours did, right?"

"No she didn't. I knew nothing about excitement yet before I entered my house again today. How innocent little Fred was…".

"Yes he was", George agreed and they chuckled. "But… do you think that you're ready to have a kid?"

"I don't think you ever really are completely ready for a kid", Fred admitted with a sigh. "But I think I might do alright. Hermione just finished school and I have a steady job. Also, both of us are stable in the mind so we saw no reason to terminate the pregnancy… I am scared sometimes though".

"That you'll be a bad dad? I think that's a normal fear. You would get along really good with your child".

"No I mean… well that too but I'm also afraid sometimes that I'll give him what I have".

George frowned. "Well depression have just as big of a chance to get to the baby without you being it's dad and the baby can't get PTSD without actual trauma. Like you and me had… if you meant schizophrenia, then you shouldn't worry. I didn't get that _with _trauma so I doubt that your child will get that _without _trauma. I know what I'm talking about. I have a psychologist too, remember?".

"You don't know yet if they will go through any trauma", Fred pointed out.

"Either way. Whatever will happen to him or her, I am positive that you'll be able to be there for he or she… I see know why you used 'they'. Can't wait until we know the gender but it's still too early I assume". Fred nodded at that. "But still, you have been able to be there for me despite your own problems. If your child goes through horrible things and develop schizophrenia then your child will have the most understandable and caring dad in the world… are you crying?

"You're mistaking _my _tears for the ones our dear mother covered me with".

"No I'm not".

"Yeah you're not".

George wrapped his arms around Fred again, both of them had tears in their eyes this time. "I'm so proud of you".

"And I'm so happy that I have you", Fred added. "But… you realize that Angie is going to expect a ring soon as well, right? Seeing me and Hermione like this. At least within the next couple of years".

"She and I haven't dated for as long as you two have but I can imagine her thinking about it once or twice because of you. Whatever happens, we will be more careful than you two and NOT get pregnant before we're married".

Fred smirked. "Are you sure about that? Maybe we have the same bad luck with condoms".

"_ Yes. _I'm sure. We have obviously been doing this for longer time so we know what we're doing".

"Whatever you say", Fred said teasingly and George let go of him

"Is this going to be the new thing? You joking about me accidentally getting her pregnant because I joke about you liking dudes".

"Well… the joke about me turned out to be true". Fred looked really smug now. "So the joke about you-".

"Not gonna happen. Nu-hu. You won't be right about this!"

**_But two months later, it turned out that Fred was indeed correct…. George fainted… and Fred and the voice were the only ones finding the situation hilarious._**


End file.
